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MIL's Help After Birth? - Page 2

post #21 of 43
I WISH I could keep mine away. They live on our property and their house is only 500 or so feet away from ours.
I'd love if they'd take the older kids maybe and entertain them for a while, but I just wish they'd leave me, dh and the baby alone for a few days. I've actually been thinking for the last couple of days to come up with some way to make sure noone comes around, no MIL, SIL's or anyone. Since we're hbing though and they know it, I'm afraid as soon as they see the midwife come up that driveway they'll be making a b-line straight here. The thing that really sucks is they have a key!
I'm going to have to talk to dh and have him explain to him that they aren't to come around until we call them. But I just know that if they are taking care of the older two, they'll come up with some excuse as to why they need to get into my house.
post #22 of 43
My IL's aren't coming out until the baby is Christened(which will be right after Easter). I haven't seen my MIL since our oldest was Christened(at 5 weeks old). Thank goodness my DH loves my mom! She only lives 7 miles from us!
post #23 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meems View Post
Hi, new here, but couldn't resist replying to this one.

I have to say, one of my few stressors is my MIL. She means well, but I am terrified that she will try to come here all of the time and stress me out. She told her dr that she couldn't schedule an appt in Feb b/c she was having a baby... the dr replied, "you are having a baby?" and she was like, "well, no, my daughter in law is, so Feb is out!" and I'm wondering, what are you going to be DOING in Feb?

Also, she called me early in my pg and said her girlfriend wanted to give me a shower. And I was pretty much not interested. So what happened? It was "Grandma shower"!!!! And now she has toys, supplies, and a CARSEAT for MY BABY! I said to her last night, I don't think you're going to NEED a carseat!
HOLY COW!! Do we have the same MIL? Now, she wouldn't get a "grandma shower" but for the rest-- yes, my DS is her baby... not mine and DH's.
post #24 of 43
Not in your DDC, but wanted to comment anyway. I'm 29 weeks and we recently decided to move me temporarily down to Oklahoma (from Maryland, where we have no family) to have the baby--loooong story, but it will be much less stressful for me. I'll be renting a house from my MIL, who lives right next door!! I was initially worried because I don't want her to just come over anytime (oh, and she doesn't know it's going to be a homebirth yet...on the bed she's loaning me! ), but she has already put that worry to rest. She has clearly stated she doesn't want to be at the birth or anytime close to it. She knows my family isn't allowed to visit during our one-month babymoon and has expressed an understanding that she won't have much, if any, access in the beginning as well. (Phew!)

I'm with other posters...don't have her come out to "help." Doesn't sound like she'd be very useful anyway.
post #25 of 43
Do NOT have her over if you are not comfortable. It may be a touchy subject but it'd be even worse if you were just home with your newborn and had to deal with it. Just politely decline.
Get a postpartum doula. In fact that's my advice for everyone else in the same boat.
Ditch the un-helpful family! Or, if they are there visiting anyway and they mean well but don't really know what to do, start bossing them around, "I need the floors done (there's the mop) and it would be great if you could throw in a load of laundry and order a pizza, thanks so much " etc....
post #26 of 43
The thought of my MIL coming to visit really stresses me out. We get along ok, and once she's here I am sure it will be fine. But just the thought of her coming out to visit (we live about 500 miles away) is very stressful for me.

I really want (at least) a week or two (or more!) to bond with baby and get BF established. I want to walk down stairs with my boobs hanging out... or not dressed, not showered... and not worry about who's going to see me. I just can't be comfortable like that in my own house with my ILs here. I want to be able to BF on my couch downstairs, and not feel like I need to retreat upstairs to my room every time I need to nurse.

She won't drive here, so I will have to drive her anywhere we go. And I think she wants to visit when my mom is here... I only have one guest room so I am stressed out about where she would sleep. And I stress about the length of time she will stay. She works Mon - Fri ... so just a weekend would be ideal (for me) but I don't know if she plans to take time off work.

I try to explain some of this to my husband, but he's excited for her to come out so he can show off his son. How do you ladies say no to your MIL so easily without a fight from your husbands?

My FIL plans to come out "the weekend after my due date" which could mean 2 days later (my DD is on a Wed) or 9 days later. What if I go post term? UGH. Now I am all stressed out, all over again! LOL

At least I won't have a fight about no visitors at the hospital this time! She cried when we told her we didn't want visitors until AFTER baby was born (with my son... we lived very close then)... so guess who won that one? :
post #27 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaricopaMom View Post

I try to explain some of this to my husband, but he's excited for her to come out so he can show off his son. How do you ladies say no to your MIL so easily without a fight from your husbands?
You're not alone! It's not easy for me. Inlaw issues are probably one of the biggest things that dh and I fight about. DH sees my parents' as smothering and intrusive; I do believe they have issues with letting go of me and my sister as adults, but I also know they love us and want to have fun with me and my family and really do include my dh as part of their family. My inlaws, on the other hand, I find very cold and prickly; I have really never seen parents who seem less affectionate with their own children (and even grandchildren). They also clearly do not feel I am part of their family. When dh and I were dating for several years and went on a vacation with his parents, they went to great lengths to find one of the few pics of dh without me in it to include in their xmas letter, whereas my dh started making appearances in name and in photos in my family's letter less than a year after we started dating. When dd was 4 months old, we went to their house for xmas and 4-month-old dd got presents, dh got presents, we were expected to buy little presents for his aunts/uncles/cousins whom we never see, but inlaws got me nothing as a personal gift (they gave us a $100 check as a family)--and dh had trouble seeing why I thought this was rude. Then the following year, I got in big trouble with dh when I admitted that he had to tell me when he wanted to go see them for the holidays because if it were up to me, we would never go to see them for the holidays; I find the holidays at their house depressing; even though they have 4 children, none of them go there very much and even though we have a young child, they don't do any sort of Christmas morning/open your presents thing, and oh yeah, it's not fun to sit around while other people open presents and nobody got you anything.

Anyway, just to say that it is not easy and I cave a lot. If I were really strong, I would make them wait about 3-4 weeks. That would be my true preference. But I settle for "they can't come for the first week I'm home."
post #28 of 43
My MIL wouldn't come if I begged her to. She's very disapproving of our lifestyle and wanted us to stop having kids years ago. She's seen my 4 year old once and has never seen my 2 year old. My dh guilted her into coming after I had our 4th child and she was so mean to me. Told me I was a worthless mother and should get outside more. It made for a terrible start to my precious baby's life. So - if you feel like it would be really hard on you I would say don't do it. I just don't know how you would go about telling her.
post #29 of 43
Meems -- that sounds CRAZY. I would definitely have you dh and even your mom on high MIL alert for the first few weeks. Keep her away for a while until you feel like you're pretty confident and she won't be able to take over as much.

It took about 6 years into our marriage and a BIG almost seperation for dh to realize that his parents were really controlling and to finally see why I was so upset at them all the time. Men sometimes just don't see that their mothers are intruding in territory that should be their wives', KWIM?

At bit OT, but, yeah, what is with people thinking that "helping" really means "I get to hold the baby"? No, the point is, I'm the mom who is trying to breastfeed and respond to and learn about my child. You are, supposedly, here to help ME. So help already. When I went to visit my parents when ds was about 5 mos and VERY fussy still, she would insist that she could calm him down and would not give him back to me even though I knew he needed to nurse or have a fresh diaper. she would literally whisk him away to a different room so that I would have to chase my mother in order to get my son back. Well, except usually I would just wait until he had screamed 5 or 10 min. and then ask for him again.
post #30 of 43
Thread Starter 
I really do like my MIL. We get along well and she is interesting but she has the mentality of a 16 year old. Really. I am pretty sure I can put her off until spring. I am just torn because I feel I really do want some help and she would be it! Dh just works so much he can't be much of a help and he isn't taking off. I think this just now hit me and now I am realizing that it might not be the perfect babymoon. My kids are great and my 7 yr old son is so helpful that we will get along fine. They will fight each other to get things for me! I need to start making a list of easy dinners and get a grocery list ready!


Meems, I hope she is just acting a little wacky right now because she is excited but won't really be overstepping her bounds. Good luck with her!
post #31 of 43
I would not want my MIL to come to help after baby came. With dd she came 2-3 weeks after her birth and stayed just one night with two of SIL's children. It was fine, but even that was a little stressful. My mom came as soon as I went into labor and stayed for a week. There were times when it was stressful, but honestly, they stayed in a hotel, they cooked three meals a day for us, bought us a TON of food, went to the store for whatever we needed whenever we needed it (picture my milk coming in and my DAD running to the drug store to find me a hand pump cause I was literally squirting uncontrollably...it was awesome). This time I had mixed feelings, my parents are two hours away, and part of me wants them to come again, and part of me wants them to not come again so soon so we can adjust. I think they will end up rushing here to get dd from our friends house (where she will stay while I'm in labor) and help with her until dh and I and baby are home then I think they will leave and come back after a week or two. I really want some alone time with dh, dd, baby, and I...and in my head it sounds wonderful, but part of me is afraid that dd will get bored too.
post #32 of 43
I should also add that my MIL did not want to hold the baby (which was fine) and held her one time (only b/c I had to go to the bathroom or something) and she was very rough with her. It was sad.
post #33 of 43
yeah, Jilly, I've been worried about how we'd handle this, and I've kindof been working on it, in a mild way. After I heard about the Grandma shower and the acquisition of a carseat, I said to DH, "I am really worried. I think that your mom thinks she's going to be driving around w/ OUR baby!" and his response was "Well, she's not going to. We haven't given her any idea that that is what is the plan. We're going to take care of the baby, not her. Don't worry about her, babe!" Which was reassuring, and he even encouraged me to tell her that she wouldn't need a carseat. I said I didn't want to hurt feelings, and he said not to worry about that, just to respond. So that's what I did the other day. If nothing else, it made me feel better. I just think that I will have to have my husband tell her no visiting the first few weeks...
post #34 of 43
My MIL is a saint (doesn't even hate the Nazis, and she was born in Berlin and had to flee). I love her like I loved my Grandmom.

Unfortunately, she is elderly and so she is S L O W. She would like to help, but she drops things, gets tired, or needs too much instruction. I remember with DS2, she came to make me dinner, and asked her friend how to cook eggplant, then basically took 5 hours or so to cook dinner while I starved. She also tells never ending stories...

I told my mom not to come for DD3, but to send money for a housekeeper (3 days a week for 8 weeks!). It was cheaper than her airfare would have been and much much more helpful!! I didn't feel bad about bossing around the housekeeper, and she didn't speak much Hebrew or English, so I didn't have to chat all the time.

Tell her you would love to see her when baby is more interesting to be with, in a few months. Send her the names of some local hotels and restaurants!!
post #35 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meems View Post
Hi, new here, but couldn't resist replying to this one.

I have to say, one of my few stressors is my MIL. She means well, but I am terrified that she will try to come here all of the time and stress me out. She told her dr that she couldn't schedule an appt in Feb b/c she was having a baby... the dr replied, "you are having a baby?" and she was like, "well, no, my daughter in law is, so Feb is out!" and I'm wondering, what are you going to be DOING in Feb?

Also, she called me early in my pg and said her girlfriend wanted to give me a shower. And I was pretty much not interested. So what happened? It was "Grandma shower"!!!! And now she has toys, supplies, and a CARSEAT for MY BABY! I said to her last night, I don't think you're going to NEED a carseat!

Wow! My MIL didn't get a carseat, but did have a baby shower that her coworkers gave here. I had to set some major boundaries (after she came into the delivery room uninvited and took dd from the nurse before dh had a chance to hold her) and our relationship is rocky at best now. When dd was a few weeks old she gave us a gift certificate for a dinner cruise, but said we couldn't use it unless we left dd with her. I eventually told her to keep the gift certificate because it wasn't going to happen.
post #36 of 43
I have heard of Grandma showers, but usually they're just luncheons where friends can gather and get excited about the baby and give token gifts that would be passed on to the mother and father of the baby. Car seats seem like a bit much (maybe if the grandma was going to be a caregiver or something after the parents returned to work??).
post #37 of 43
I already told my mom and my dh no guests until after he goes back to work. He only gets a week off but I would like for us to bond as a family before having any guests that want to stay. My mom may come after that but only to cook/help with older kids. My MIL came last time for about a week and she was super helpful with my DD but I wasn't really in the mood all the time for company and she said she would cook a bunch for me but ended up getting take out the whole time. I already warned my mom that if she comes I will have a list of things she has to make me!~
post #38 of 43
[QUOTE]I have heard of Grandma showers, but usually they're just luncheons where friends can gather and get excited about the baby and give token gifts that would be passed on to the mother and father of the baby. Car seats seem like a bit much (maybe if the grandma was going to be a caregiver or something after the parents returned to work??).[QUOTE]

Yeah, exactly. Well I am wondering (and have since she got it!) whose IDEA this was or what kindof a caretaker she has led her friends to think that she will be for our child. We ARE going back to work, but I WAH ~70% of the time and my husband will just come home early so that I can see clients. We have NEVER given the impression that she would be a caretaker/ daycare provider, ever!:
post #39 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2mimi View Post
she said she would cook a bunch for me but ended up getting take out the whole time.
I love take-out and going to restaurants! MIL gets on my nerves because they are super-frugal (moreso than they need to be), so they never want to eat out, but MIL is really bad cook IMO. So when she comes, I do get a week of home-cooked meals, but nothing I want to eat. My parents are the complete opposite; also love to eat out and not worried about their spending, so whenever they come I love to try out new restaurants. Probably won't be doing a lot of dining adventures right after the baby is born, but I guess it just goes to show that "being taken care of" means different things to different people, and the best helpers are the ones that can identify what is most helpful to the person in need and do that--instead of what they think is best.
post #40 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by bethwl View Post
but I guess it just goes to show that "being taken care of" means different things to different people, and the best helpers are the ones that can identify what is most helpful to the person in need and do that--instead of what they think is best.
I totally agree. I love take out and eating out. I would much prefer my ILs to order food or bring food home than to mess around in my kitchen, making something I might not necessarily enjoy.

My parents, on the other hand, are welcome to cook in my kitchen.

What a double standard, huh?
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