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I need help keeping my big mouth shut! - Page 2

post #21 of 27
I don't want to upset you, because it sounds like you have a really frustrating situation on your hands. I come from a very blended family with several stepsiblings/parents-and one of the first things that popped into my mind, after thinking, " Gee BM must be really cranky" is that a little bit of it may be your step-daughter testing you. It was said above that she thinks her BM can do no wrong, therefor she might be baiting you a little by using her mother. Mom may not have even said some of these things. I'm sure she is a great kid, but it can be very difficult, awkward and emotionally trying to have steps. I think gentle explanation of your methods and trying to involve her opinion would help in that situation. It would have for me.

Good Luck!
post #22 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by FairlightMuse View Post
I don't want to upset you, because it sounds like you have a really frustrating situation on your hands. I come from a very blended family with several stepsiblings/parents-and one of the first things that popped into my mind, after thinking, " Gee BM must be really cranky" is that a little bit of it may be your step-daughter testing you. It was said above that she thinks her BM can do no wrong, therefor she might be baiting you a little by using her mother. Mom may not have even said some of these things. I'm sure she is a great kid, but it can be very difficult, awkward and emotionally trying to have steps. I think gentle explanation of your methods and trying to involve her opinion would help in that situation. It would have for me.

Good Luck!
I think there could be some baiting/testing going on. My DD had this habit of telling us little things about her dad and gf that I really didn't need to know, like what kind-of soap they use, what lotion the gf uses, and so-on. In my case, it's hurtful, because I struggle with $$ more than they do, so I don't really care to hear about how the gf has two shelves full of perfume, KWIM? Sometimes I react with things like, "I don't like that kind-of perfume, I think it smells bad" or "getting weekly manicures is kind-of wasteful." I finally told DD that I really don't need to hear every last detail of what they do, because honestly, it riles me up. I also don't bite anymore when DD complains about stuff. Now, my DD will not go back and tell the gf what I said, so that's ok, but I think she is playing it both ways a bit.

(PS- I am the B-Mom that makes my DD responsible for bringing stuff back to her Dad's. It does come back clean, though. )
post #23 of 27
Another PS- XH is very critical of my parenting, and never has a nice thing to say about a thing I do (everything I do is wrong.) The kids don't really say that to me, though. It comes right from him.
post #24 of 27
Thread Starter 
Yes, in my quieter moments I imagine that DSD's mom probably hears a lot about what I say and do and it probably makes her just as crazy.

I do think DSD is baiting me somewhat - no matter what I do, she feels a need to tell me that her mom does it differently, or doesn't think such-and-such is a good idea, etc. She KNOWS this makes me mad, but she does it anyway.

I'm hoping she will outgrow it, but I suspect it will only get worse.
post #25 of 27
I think you've gotten some great responses. I think, too, that baiting is a possibility. My SS did it to an extreme during the first 2 years of DH's and my marriage and it almost got very ugly when BM threatened to call CPS, but fortunately we got around that when we repeated all the horrific stories he was telling us about her! But at any rate, your SD may just be trying to express her frustration about having you in her life but she doesn't feel able to do it directly, so she does it "through" her mother.

But even if BM is in fact speaking that way about you, breathe deep and take the high road! I would try total non-responses like "Hmmm," or "Oh?" Whether she's baiting or repeating what she really heard, it will get boring for her if you never react. I have a girlfriend from childhood whose parents divorced when we were in high school. Her dad never, ever once said an unpleasant word about her mom. Her mom talked critically about her dad constantly. This did not turn the kids against their dad! They got incredibly angry and frustrated with their mom and are closer to their dad to this day. I know it's not exactly the same situation since there were no stepparents, but even young kids know petty insecurity when they see and hear it.

And, FWIW, if BM is in fact speaking this way about you, just smile a little inner smile with smug satisfaction that she is so insecure that she has to stoop to this. Alternatively, feel a little sorry for her, but I'm not that emotionally healthy myself. It's easier for me to take the high road if I can gloat just a little while I ride!
post #26 of 27
BTW, how long since you blended? IME, this is very common in the first 2-3 years. Kids have to sort out their loyalties and that's big work!
post #27 of 27

you're the best!

Quote:
Originally Posted by SugarGlider View Post
Gosh, what an annoying thing.

My daughters stepmom is CONSTANTLY doing this crap.

My daughter is 11 and one day she asked why does she always say bad things about you and I sat her down and said Honey sometimes people are very unhappy with themselves and their own lives and to feel better and bigger they feel they need to tear down other people. It took a bit but she understood and I told her we have to let these things go and try to understand that she's hurting inside.

My daughter came home saying her SM had told her when she's 12 she can choose who she wants to live with... my daughter says "I sure don't want to live THERE!" SM hates that I'm a SAHM and get child support.

I really feel for all of you in this situation... it's so frustrating to have your children and step-children hear this crap and be affected by this crap and have NO control over it.

I know I can't be the only one who wishes they had responded that way! Good for you!

8)
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