Ex-boyfriend didn't show up at memorial

[Greaseball]

This is just a rant - I was talking to my ex, Andrew, a lot after my brother Harley died, and I mentioned that there would be a memorial service for him, and then Andrew asked if he could go, so I told him, sure, I'd love it if you came. Harley had always really liked Andrew, as did my mother, and I knew she would also like it if he came.

So anyway, he didn't show up. It didn't bother me at first, except I was crying a lot and didn't have anyone for emotional support. I figured he had to work or something. But a few days later I still hadn't heard from him so I sent him an e-mail saying the service was really great, and still nothing. Eventually he sent an e-mail about an unrelated topic, and we never talked about the memorial. Then a few weeks later I sent him another e-mail about a funny story someone told there, and still he didn't comment on the story or why he didn't show up.

Lately I realized how much this really hurts. I could understand if he told me that he had to work, or even that he just changed his mind and decided he didn't want to go, but I don't know why he asked if he could go and then didn't show up and never said why. Of course I could always ask him why, but I figure something must be going on if he never said anything. Also since then he's gotten married and his wife doesn't want him talking to me, so now we don't even e-mail anymore. I run into him around town once a month or so, but I never ask him, partly because I get really emotional when I think about it.

Anyway...people probably think I'm too sensitive or something...but thanks for reading this. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it.

[PM]

I hate that! People are so selfish, thinking only of themselves. The same thing happened to me, sort of. It was my wedding. The best friend I had at that time (in my old home town) didn't show up. She said she had to get some work done. It was a Saturday at 6pm and she worked a 9-5 weekday job. Didn't bother to tell me about it, so of course we had the extra dinner for her (no small deal when hiring a caterer $$$). Well, the last time I went home to visit, she pulled the same shit. We hadn't seen each other in 2 years. We set up a date to get together for coffee. I sat there waiting. She told me later that she had to drive a friend to the airport!

I'm sorry about your brother. And about your hurt.

[lisamarie]

Greaseball~

I am sorry. It is so difficult when you are grieving and then people let you down emotionally, when you really need them. You are not being too sensitive and I'm glad that you can come here to share.

I have been in your situation. You are so hurt and mad and want to just know "why" they are acting the way they are. In my situation, it took me a few months to confront the person (my birthfather, John). I wrote John a letter and told them how I felt. My birthfather had not been very supportive of me after my dh died. He didn't call, write, etc. (he lives 6 hrs. away). So I asked "why". His response~he didn't know how to deal w/the grief, loss, my hurt and deep sorrow. He apoligized and we are rebuilding our relationship, very slowly, but it still hurts.

People do not always know how to deal w/their own grief and loss, let alone someone elses. So, they run away. It is so hard, when they do that. If you aren't ready to confront him directly, maybe type a letter on the computer, to tell him what you want to say. You don't have to send it, but sometimes writing helps. Then if you are ever ready to talk w/him about it, you can be a bit prepared on what you want to say.

Hugs~

Lisa

[Ahappymel]

Who shows, who doesn't...

Hi Greaseball,
It's strange the way people react at death. My mom recently died and what I've discovered is that everyone reacts differently. Just a thought...maybe your ex can't handle situations that involve death?
My mom's own brother didn't show up to her memorial service. My sister sat in the car and cried. Yet, my ex-boyfriend from 7 years ago did show which irritated me. I kept thinking, "Why would you show up at her Memorial Service [I didn't give him the info..he got it from a mutual friend] when you didn't even bother to visit her when she was terminally ill?" Someone suggested that he came as a sign of respect to me but he never showed up or even bothered to send congratulations at the birth of my son or my marriage. Hmmmm...people are funny.
Just a suggestion, Greaseball. I would tell your ex that you would have appreciated his presence as a show of support to you. Maybe then he'll come clean with you. Once you KNOW why he didn't attend, you can deal with that reason.
Right now all you can do is speculate and that would make me angry too. Maybe you should break the ice because it sounds like he feelsl too awkward to do it.
Much love and sympathy to you. I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like a loving sister who Harley was lucky to have.-Mel.

[Mommasgirls]

When my Mom died last year it was wierd who showed up and who didn't. Two of her brothers were no shows-one expected and one not. Her oldest brother doesn't deal with death-didn't attend his father or mother's funeral.However her younger brother was sent a plane ticket (not cheap Colorado to Boston) and still no showed and never called to explain. I have a horrid attitude about it . Of course I never called and asked for an explanation either I was way too hurt.
My mother always taught me to go and pay my respects. We have a large Irish Catholic family and I have cousins I haven's seen in ages but I still make sure to attend wakes/funerals no matter where they are because it's family and any support you can get at that time is welcome.
Laura

[Greaseball]

Funny to see this thread again...it's been over a year. I was thinking about it some more and I actually haven't seen Andrew for nearly a year either, and have been more upset with him for ditching me in my time of need, with his saying that his wife wouldn't let him talk to me. I think if our friendship was really that important to him he would have worked something out with his wife, especially since he is a grief survivor as well - his best friend died a few years ago, so he knows how important it is to have people to talk to - so I haven't really wanted to talk to him.

But I'm sure I will see him again someday and I just might say something.