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Are you a Bio Mom or a Step Mom? - Page 4

post #61 of 67
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
My husband had raised one son when I met him. I don't count him as a child because the work was all done before me. We don't say 'step,' just mom and dad. I had our son 1 year and 3 days before our daughter was born to his previous wife. BF is totally uninvolved and BM is deceased. So technically I am a bio mom of one and a step mom of one, but I just say mom of 2
Wait, are you raising the ex-wife's daughter?

Then technically you'd be:
stepmother to your husband's son
biomother to the son you share
adoptive mother to the daughter

to be technically "step", your spouse would have to share biology with the child...and it sounds like only his first son does (through mother)...am I understanding that correctly?

Heh. Isn't it fun trying to chart out family trees for broken/blended families. I hate when the kids have to do family trees for school projects. It's never as neat and easy as the handouts demand.
post #62 of 67

family tree

Oh, it gets better.

technically, she isn't his 'ex' because she is dead. He was a widower when we got together. His oldest actually isn't his at all. Never formally adopted, and the bio father was about as worthless as my son's bio father. Lived in the same town and never ever met his son.

So, my husband has already raised one child he had no bio connection to, and he has done wonders with the second one-my son.

And here I am as the SM or AM to our daughter, and I feel so inadequate because I have so much trouble loving her some days. He is by far the better parent.

Add to that that we're trying to create a healthy idea of what family is, and you've got an entire side of her family we don't associate with, and my family we avoid as much as possible due to their unhealthy influence on the kids. It's hard to try to stress a healthy family relationship when you actively avoid most of your family for your own mental health!

This brings back so many memories of my own childhood. My mom hated my aunt, who I reminded her of, apparently. Now here I am as a mom, and I see traits in my daughter that remind me of her wacko mom, aunts and grandma.
How do I get rid of this?

I know the damage this can cause, but hubby and I both agree about these people, and how do you keep them away without actually telling the kids they're toxic? For starters we moved to an island. When the kids ask us if we're going to visit rural kansas or california, we tell them planes and roads go 2 ways. We're trying to let them figure it out for themselves, but it's so hard to not just say 'grandma's nuts and has funny ideas about relationships,' or 'your aunt stole your inheritance.'


the temptation to just spill it all to both kids is so great, but I know I can't do that. I have to find a way to get past my feelings about all of these people so the kids really can figure it out for themselves when they're older.

post #63 of 67

Did you ever wonder if anyone has a "functional" family? LOL I think our cultural ideal of "normal" is based more on wishes than reality...

Hey you could always just tell your kids what we did when ours were trying to make a family tree...Forget the biology; "Family" is the people who love you.
post #64 of 67
Oh, boy, no kidding! It is so not simple. My poor DS4 is trying lately to understand all these relationships and there's no way.

Now, there is one massive wrinkle that we avoided. Not long after DH and I married, my XH and DH's XW dated for awhile. : Can you even imagine? : I was so icked out by the whole thing (I guess I still am), and so relieved when it was over!
post #65 of 67


sometimes it's just nice to know I'm not alone.

post #66 of 67
I have 2 bio children and 2 stepkids, but honestly, my stepdaughter, is 14 years old, she lives with us, and I don't like to call her my stepdaughter, she's even older than my sisters(the one that follows me), she's more like a sister to me, I care for her, I love her, I respond to her as a mother though, she helps me with the girls etc.

While my stepson, that lives with his bio mom, he's 17 years old, and everytime he comes here we(him and I) end up having a fight, he doesn't like me, he just tolerates me, he doesn't even like his bio sister, he so doesn't like my daughters, he even gave DD1 a package of peanut cookies once, and he knows, he have been old a thousand times, that she's allergic, I don't know what could have happen if my DD wouldn't have asked me to open the package for her.
He doesn't respect the rules of the house,he's direspectful to me in my own house, and he thinks, it's my fault that DH and his biomom divorced, but there's a big detail, when I meet DH he was already divorced, I have tried to talk with him, but I just can't.
But I don't really consider him part of my family though, Chrisy is part of my family, she even calls me "Mom"
post #67 of 67
I am a bio-mom to 4. DH is a step-dad to my older two. My kids don't legally have a step-mom, but their dad has had the same girlfriend for almost five years (since before we split up!!)

I am also a step-mother (in waiting), because DH has a son that was placed for adoption about 11 years ago. One day, we will find him and hopefully bring him into the fold.
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