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my best friend lost her baby

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
She found out she was pg about 2 weeks ago and just got home from the hospital with an ectopic pg. Fortunately, her fallopian tube is still intact. I want to be the best friend I can for her, but I know that it will be hard on her with me being pg. She asked that I not come over to hang out tomorrow and I am absolutely fine with that; its what she needs right now.

The only problem is that neither one of us had told any of our other friends yet and were going to this week b/c they would figure it out by this weekend. We're going to a wine bar for a bachelorette party this weekend. I obviously don't want to share my news right now, so what can I do? Thanks.
post #2 of 14
I'm sorry about your friend. How sad.

Why do you think your friends will find out?
post #3 of 14
wow...that's so sad & hard for you both. Do you think she'll still be up to going to the party? i would definitely just invent an excuse about not drinking if she decides to attend, even if it's a lame one. i can't imagine that being with a group of festive girls excited by a friend's pregnancy would be the best time for her. i am so sorry!
post #4 of 14
Thread Starter 
Thanks. Yeah, I definitely want to give her some time to heal before she has to hear everyone congratulating me. I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to share the news anyway, but thought that it would not be possible to keep friends from realizing before then (Why aren't you drinking?) I just had what I believe to be a brilliant idea: I say that I have a sinus infection and am on antibiotics, therefore I can't drink. How's that?

Unfortunately, my friend feels like she has to go to the party b/c she's one of our friend's bridesmaids. I don't know as she would want to stay away anyway; she might see it as a way to put her mind on something else.
post #5 of 14
sabo,

i think the sinus infection is a good excuse. if people give you a hard time (just one would be okay!) tell them it's painful and you want it to go away as quickly as possible!

good luck in dealing with your friend's healing process. it must be hard wanting to be supportive and wanting to give her space at the same time, given the situation.
post #6 of 14
i too think the sinus infection is a good excuse, and kudos to you for being so considerate of your friend! im sorry to hear about her loss. i can't imagine.
post #7 of 14
Sabo, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It sounds like she has a great friend and support system in you. You seem very sensitive to her needs and feelings.

I was in a similar situation last March, only I was in your friend's shoes. One of my close friends in my playgroup found out she was pregnant right after I did. I had already announced my pregnancy, but she had not. Our playgroup was scheduled to go out one evening for a going-away party for one of our girlfriends. Two days before I ended up having a m/c. She was kind enough to let me know she was pg before she announced it to the rest of the group, kind of to give me time to process it. However, she did choose to announce he pg at our dinner. I didn't begrudge her for it, I knew she was really excited and wanted to share her news when we were all together, but at the same time it was extremely painful for me. I felt obligated to pretend like everything was fine and be really happy and excited for her in front of everyone, when inside all I wanted to do was scream and cry. I think the worst part was that no one took the time to pull me aside and ask how I was doing (they all knew about the m/c). I got home that night and had a horrible breakdown.

I say all this just to let you know that if your friend goes, she would probably really appreciate you keeping your wonderful news in a little longer, if possible. If that isn't feasible, or if someone blows your cover (my friends would be all over me if I didn't have a drink!), I think just taking a private moment to let her know you're thinking of her and asking her how she's doing could mean a lot to her. I didn't necessarily want my friends falling all over me with sympathy, especially at a party, but just a simple acknowledgment that I might be in pain would have meant so much.

Let us know how it goes.
post #8 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabo View Post
I just had what I believe to be a brilliant idea: I say that I have a sinus infection and am on antibiotics, therefore I can't drink. How's that?

or a bladder infection - used that one before and it worked
post #9 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by katydid6 View Post
if your friend goes, she would probably really appreciate you keeping your wonderful news in a little longer, if possible. If that isn't feasible, or if someone blows your cover (my friends would be all over me if I didn't have a drink!), I think just taking a private moment to let her know you're thinking of her and asking her how she's doing could mean a lot to her. I didn't necessarily want my friends falling all over me with sympathy, especially at a party, but just a simple acknowledgment that I might be in pain would have meant so much.
I agree with this, especially the part I've bolded. I've been in a similar situation, and having someone ask how I was, and acknowledge my pain, made a world of difference.
post #10 of 14
Thread Starter 
Yeah, I definitely hear what you are all saying about how hard it would be for her to have everyone finding out I'm pg right now. As soon as she told me she had a m/c, I decided that I was not going to tell anyone yet.

I talked to her earlier today and she had just told another one of our friends about it, so now she has someone else to talk with who isn't pregnant. Its really hard for me, b/c I want to be there for her. All of our good friends get together once a week at her house; tonight's the night and as I mentioned before, she asked that I not come. She felt horrible asking that and I just reassured her that I am perfectly fine with that, that I'll be there for her if she wants me around, but I'll also be away for her if she needs that. Unfortunately, no matter what, I'm a reminder of what she has lost. I just hope that she heals quickly and also conceives again soon so that seeing me isn't always such a horrible reminder, yk?

My dh is good friends with her's, so he went over and is going to say that I'm sick. If probed, I have a UTI and feel like crap, so my antibiotics cover for the bachelorette is set. I hate this; it makes my whole body feel sick. I know that there is nothing else I can do to help. I feel useless.
post #11 of 14
You are a true friend and a really wonderful person. I'm guessing you're doing your friend a lot of good right now, and she is probably at a loss of how to tell you. It's a tough situation and you're a real hero.


-H
post #12 of 14
So sorry about your friend! It is a tough situation to be in. Just you being their for her quietly is all you could do for now. I'm sorta in the same situation my sis lost her baby at 4 mos preg. she recently brought it up again to me about how she was feeling about it and I don't have the heart to tell her that I am pregnant. I can't keep quiet about it forever I know, but I just don't want her to be upset when I do.
post #13 of 14
Thread Starter 
I figured that I'd give you ladies a summary of how things went. Thank you for your encouragement and kind thoughts for my friend.

She told me today that the weekend was horrible, but wanted to be there for the bride and is glad that the weekend is over. Unfortunately, one of the bride's relatives is newly pg, so all that planning I did to prevent any baby talk didn't work out. Obviously, those discussing it had no idea about my friend's situation. That was hard for her.

Now, she has a few weeks to just relax and take care of herself.
post #14 of 14
what a tough situation.
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