Do you think this is fair? - Page 2

[anubis]

When I went to school, kids would hand out invitations on the breaks to the kids they were friends with. It never seemed to lead to anyone feeling left out, but it did sometimes go in the other direction a bit. I remember 'having to' invite a very unpleasant girl to a birthday party because the girl she was best friends with was coming. No one actually told me to invite her but it seemed rude to me not to. Well, she came over and b*tched and moaned about everything and was not invited the next year. So, if anything, I'd say in most cases that I'm aware of it led to unwanted INclusion instead of feeling excluded. I was invited to a lot of birthday parties I didn't really even want to go to myself.

That said, I think it's fine for kids to invite friends to birthday parties at school. I think of it as an opportunity to learn discretion and diplomacy. I know I learned to not hand out invitations in front of kids who weren't invited, as well as decline invitations without hurting anyone's feelings.

I'd give kids some credit there, they usually don't want to hurt other kids' feelings. I'm not generally in favour of banning something because it could potentially upset someone.

[operamommy]

Our school doesn't hand out directories. The thought of someone having to get that together every single year for 700+ kids, plus the expense, is just mind-boggling.

I don't know if I would use the term "fair" in answer to the OP's question. Life isn't fair, and kids know that waaaay before 6th grade. But I'd say that perhaps some parents have been about lax in helping their children learn the politest way to handle invites. I'd encourage my child to hand them out before school if possible, but I'd be truly surprised if my 6th grader's feelings were hurt because he didn't get an invitation passed out during class time. Most likely the reason he's not getting invited is that the kid isn't his friend anyway, kwim?

My dd, who's in the 2nd grade, talked about the birthday party of one of the girls in her class that she didn't get invited to and seemed to not have an issue with invites being passed out. The girl having the party wasn't a friend, so dd didn't mind at all.

[Momtoatweenandteen]

Originally Posted by philomom

Most decent public schools do not allow this. A directory is published so you can send invites to a child's home. No need to cause hurt feelings at school.

Our school does publish a directory each and every year. By the way, that is a good point!

[Momtoatweenandteen]

Originally Posted by wasabi

Sure for elementary kids but 6th grade is middle school. They don't even have a "class" any more. It wasn't a big deal to me when I was in middle school to be aware that other people who I wasn't friends with had parties.

Sorry, I failed to mention, here, where we live, 6th grade is still housed in the elementary schools...7th and 8th grade is middle school for us.

[Momtoatweenandteen]

Originally Posted by shanagirl

I agree it's rude. I think some people are misunderstanding your post-- you are not asking if everyone has to be invited --just if you are only inviting some girls from a class, you should give them invitations privately, not in class. This is just basic manners. If I give a party and invite some of my friends from work, I NEVER invite them in front of people at work I'm not inviting. If I have a bunch of friends over for a party and a few of us want to get together for something else a few weeks later, we don't bring it up in front of people we're not inviting. Why would we teach our kids any different? This is basic courtesy.

And anyone on these boards has internet access so looking up addresses should be no problem. A sixth grader could do it, and as far as I can tell, kids love getting real postal mail if it's interesting. What's so hard about mailing them if you are preparing an invitation?

Thank you Shanagirl, that is my point!
You listed some great examples of common courtesy in general!! I agree 100%.

[Ruthla]

I think the "elementary school rules" of either not giving out invites in class, or inviting the whole class (or all the boys or all the girls) should apply to all grades in elementary school. In middle and high school, it's not JUST that the children are older- there's unstructured time between classes to hand out stuff without obviously excluding somebody. In a tiny private school where the setup is more like an elementary school, even at the high school level, I think the same rules should also apply.

Yes, kids will talk about who's invited and who's going and somebody's feelings could get hurt even if the invites are mailed out. But that's still not an excuse to hand out the invitations in a way that's blatently rude to those not invited.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

But that's still not an excuse to hand out the invitations in a way that's blatently rude to those not invited.

I guess that's why I'm not with the majority on this one. I don't see anything rude about inviting one's friends to one's birthday party, and not inviting people who aren't your friends.

[frogguruami]

When DS was in school I sent them to school in a bag and asked the teacher to put them in their respective cubbies. The kids didn't even see them until they were home and unpacking their backpack. Of course DS was in K and 1st grade so the classroom dynamics may be different.

Originally Posted by Momtoatweenandteen

Do you think that kids who are having a birthday party should hand-out their invitations in the classroom?

My daughter is currently in the 6th grade, and even though she has a summer b-day, I would never think to give only the "select" few an invitation during class time.

As far as I remember, our school policy has been that unless you invite the entire class, the invitations have to be mailed, hand delivered and so forth.
Of course, not all parents abide by this rule!:

I personally feel this is very rude and insensitive on the parent's part.

[mcng]

fair is a place with cotton candy and rides it ain't life

I guess I take opportunities like this to be a learning experience. I can't shelter my children from the unfairness of life but can help them deal with it

[DoctorGirlfriend]

It's not about "fair," though...it's about being polite.

I didn't hand out invitations to my wedding at work, because not everyone was invited. They were mailed. If I had a party, I'd email the invitations, or make a phone call.

Why WOULDN'T you make a minimal effort to avoid hurt feelings?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by DoctorGirlfriend

Why WOULDN'T you make a minimal effort to avoid hurt feelings?

Well...probably because it never would have occurred to me that anybody's feelings would be hurt by not being invited to a birthday party of soemone they weren't friends with...or the wedding of someone they worked with. Why on earth would someone's feelings be hurt because a co-worker invited someone else to their wedding?

Do we have to invite everyone in the office to lunch everyday, instead of lunching with one friend? If I were inclined to have hurt feelings because of friends wanting to spend time together (I'm not so inclined), I think I'd be far more hurt by the regular, daily exclusions than by not being invited to a special celebration.

Honestly - even after several threads on this, I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around it.

[mahogny]

My son is in Pre-K, and when I asked the teacher about the best way to hand out invitations, she said to send them to school and she could put them in the kids' backpacks. No, we did not invite everyone - just 5 kids.

I did not know the kids' last names, and of course, my pre-K son didn't know their last names either, so looking them up in the phone book was impossible. The school was not allowed to give me last names or phone numbers (privacy and safety) so handing them out in school was the only option.

I never see the other mothers since the drop-off and pick-up for pre-K students is highly streamlined. The teacher and assistant take them out of the cars in the morning, and put them back in the cars when school is over.

I did give my son explicit directions to not talk about the party in class b/c some of the other kids' feelings might get hurt.

Until DS is old enough to remember last names, this will probably be the only way.

[Lousli]

I posted on another thread about this, but I'll say it again. Honestly, all the people who "don't get it" were probably fairly socially well adjusted people growing up who had friends. At least some friends. It may be hard to understand that there are children that don't have friends. There was a little girl in my class one year who had been abused in her past, was socialy terribly awkward, and to make matters worse, because of the past abuse, soiled herself in class. No one talked to her, no one sat near her at lunch. No one was her friend. There are children that are bullied and ignored and avoided by nearly everyone. I think it is a little much, even for a 12 year old, to be just told that life isn't fair and not to get hurt feelings when as the year goes on there are 20 birthday parties and she isn't invited to a single one of them. Oh, but she shouldn't expect to be, right, because those children aren't her friends.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Lousli

Honestly, all the people who "don't get it" were probably fairly socially well adjusted people growing up who had friends. At least some friends. It may be hard to understand that there are children that don't have friends.

I had one friend in 6th and 7th grade...then she moved. No - that's not the same as having no friends, but I was far from being "socially well adjusted". Except for that friend, I don't remember ever being invited to a birthday party between grades 5 and 9. I just can't see why that would upset me. Being spit on upset me - having the spitter exclude me from his party guest list...not at all.

No one talked to her, no one sat near her at lunch. No one was her friend. There are children that are bullied and ignored and avoided by nearly everyone. I think it is a little much, even for a 12 year old, to be just told that life isn't fair and not to get hurt feelings when as the year goes on there are 20 birthday parties and she isn't invited to a single one of them. Oh, but she shouldn't expect to be, right, because those children aren't her friends.

So - you think that she'd have felt better being invited to parties because of a rule. Would that make kids sit with her at lunch? Do you think her feelings were only hurt by not being invited to parties? The reality is that not being invited to parties is only a punctuation mark...these kids are being systematically excluded on a daily basis.

Besides - whether the kids hand out invitations in class or not - even if they don't talk about the parties - she's still going to know that her classmates are having birthdays.

[Lousli]

I don't think she should be invited to the parties because of a rule. But I think handing out invitations in class in front of the excluded children is incredibly rude. It is like rubbing their nose in it. What is the big deal about taking a little extra time or postage to ensure that the child hands them out before or after school or sends them in the mail?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Lousli

I don't think she should be invited to the parties because of a rule. But I think handing out invitations in class in front of the excluded children is incredibly rude. It is like rubbing their nose in it.

Okay. I get that you think that. I don't agree. I don't see what's rude about inviting your friends to your birthday party. I still find this whole argument...odd.

What is the big deal about taking a little extra time or postage to ensure that the child hands them out before or after school or sends them in the mail?

At this point in my life - no big deal at all. Several years ago - when I was literally combing my sofa for change to put on a party for ds1 at all, and had no money for postage, and had no time for anything (I grocery shopped for one of his early parties at 9:30 at night - after he was in bed)...huge deal.


I think on this one I'm going to have to just agree to disagree, and try to avoid the threads. The idea that it's rude to hand your friend an invitation to your birthday party - anywhere - is just something that I find over-the-top.

[DoctorGirlfriend]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I think on this one I'm going to have to just agree to disagree, and try to avoid the threads. The idea that it's rude to hand your friend an invitation to your birthday party - anywhere - is just something that I find over-the-top.

The idea is that it's rude to exclude others, when there's another way of getting invitations out to those who were invited. Do it before school, or after school, or make a phone call, or mail the invitation.

You're right, it's probably an agree-to-disagree thing.

[Storm Bride]

How does before school or after school change anything? Does another child feel less excluded if he sees an invitation change hands in the hallway?

Okay - never mind. I think I'll leave this one.

I do wonder, though - how long have these rules been in place at various schools? I'd never heard of it until someone mentioned it here a few months ago.

[DoctorGirlfriend]

It was in place for my grade school, in the early 80s.

[Kirsten]

Interesting thread.

I understand and agree with not being made to invite kids who the birthday child doesn't get along with. I just am firmly in the "it is rude to hand out invites at school" camp.

I was that kid who was friends with everyone. I was comfortable and welcome in the jock clique, the band kids, the stoners, etc. I would like to see every single kid I graduated with - our 20 year reunion is this summer!!!

My kids are invited to plenty of parties. Sometimes I am glad we don't do a written budget because I don't really want to know how much we spend on birthday gifts for my kids' friends.... :

And even though I don't remember being on the "I wasn't invited" side (although it surely happened), I STILL think that it is just plain good manners and kindness to mail invites.

What kind of CIA schools do some kids go to that you don't know last names of the kids, have no school directory or class list, anything? I have three kids - they have been in (counting....) six different preschools and elementaries. Every one gave us a class list, if not the whole school directory. It is one typed page for the class, and can be emailed out - how hard is that?

All six schools also had the "no handing out invites at school" policy. It isn't shielding kids from real life (as others have mentioned, kids do talk before and after the party - although I teach my kids that their name is mud if they do that about their parties or anyone else's); it is just kindness. I want my kids to be kind.

I find it odd that some feel handing out at school is their only option. If your child knows the other kid enough to want to invite them, I'd think you could call or email the mom and say "I'm Suzy's mom from this and such school and Suzy wants to invite Jimmy to her birthday party. Can I have your address to mail the invitation?" - or email to send the evite.

Actual enveloped invites are rare where we live. Most people just do evites now. Easy.