Oh My G*D! 16yo boy asks my 3.5yo ds to - UPDATE in post 129 - Page 6

[Mizelenius]

I have been re-readig Protecting the Gift (because of what happened with those 2 boys in MO. . .seriously freaked out here) and I thought this might help you clarify things. I know you've read it, but I thought this was important.

Signs of Denial:
-Rationalization
-Justification
-Minimization
-Excuse-making
-Refusal

Is there any chance that these fit?

Oh, yeah, and in the book, it mentions that most abusers have abused 30-60 children before they are ever caught.

[BookGoddess]

Originally Posted by Dreaming

You are going to do whatever you want.
However, I think it speaks VOLUMES that you are pulling your children out of that daycare and that your DH told the 16 year old to find a different school.
You are talking out of both sides of your mouth.
If you truly believed that the 16 year old was innocent, you wouldn't be taking the actions you are taking.

:

I feel sorry that I read this thread for it saddens me that you won't take any action other than to protect your own son. I have a feeling you're not going to report it to the police or the licensing authorities although you believe your son. I feel sad that other children are going to be molested by this teenager and he won't be caught until something far more serious happens to an innocent child.

[kyndmamaof4]

This is so freakin sad. I am disgusted. I truly don't think posting anymore will matter.

Those poor children.

[runes]

by not reporting, it's actually making it easier for this boy to molest more children. he's learning by trial and error how not to get caught and what to say/not to say to get away with it scott free. you're giving him a lesson on how to abuse while flying under the radar.

truly, :.

[queenjane]

Then ds1 said "are you mad?" to which I answered, no baby, I'm not. Then, ds1 asked if it was bad.

If the situation was totally innocent, if both boys were just playing around, i don't think your son would have asked these questions ("Are you mad?Am i bad?")

I think he asked those questions, because what happened made HIM feel "bad" inside, and because it felt wrong to him. I think kids can have pretty good instincts about this, about how certain people make them feel "icky" or wrong.

Nothing will happen to the older boy if you report it, there is no proof, nothing that will stand up in court. HOWEVER there will be a record so if something happens in the future it won't be treated like a "first offense." As far as i know, these sorts of reports are private, so i don't see how it will affect the mother's business. They may not even follow up on it, just file it. At least you will know you did what you could.


Katherine

[mamamelia]

omg.

If you truly believed that the 16 year old was innocent, you wouldn't be taking the actions you are taking.

couldn't of said it better myself. i'll let you in on a little something. my dh was sexually abused by his first cousin when he was 7 or so. he never told anyone out of fear but me. he also never told anyone because his cousin turned it into a game.. he made it seem like it was ok for years. like "how about i put my penis in your mouth and you do the same?" it's f*cken sick, sick, sick and makes me want to vomit. my dh never went out with a girl in highschool. he never went out with a girl until he met me. he did not know how to get close to someone without feeling shame. he went to counselling for a long time to help him heal.
he still doesn't want to tell anyone because he doesn't want it to cause a conflict in the family. you know what i told him? f*ck it and f*ck him. how does he get to get away with this sort of crap and my dh has to suffer for it? i see him at family gatherings and he says hello and i totally ignore him. HE KNOWS I KNOW..but do you think that has changed anything? probably not. so there is no point in the pedophile knowing that the victims loved ones know, if they are allowed to continue. no point at all.
btw my dh still hasn't said anything. he says to let it go because it doesn't affect him that much like it did 9 years ago.
honestly, one day i think i will say something. but i just don't know how. and i know it will be in front of other family members and not be pretty that's for sure. i'm actually scared i might strangle the bastard once i get started because what he did to my dh really hurts me. i'm very protective over my dh like he was my own son. i can see it hurts him and has affected him. and it's not fair. NOT FAIR.

that said, i DO understand how you feel in that you can't just report it because you know this woman personally and you have known her for years. it's like personal stuff mixing with business.

BUT, you must still please, please, please REALISE that abuse in childhood is a very serious matter... the effects last for life. it doesn't matter who's income it hurts. it will be hard but another income can be established. it's not the end of the world!!!!! honestly!!! but for an abused child...? it can be the end of the world. it can be the start of hell.

please trust your instincts and report this. if this happened to another child and the mother pulled her child out and didn't report this as a good deed to the day care provider.. and then the 16yo went on to abuse YOUR son, what would you think of that other mother? you'd be horrified at how someone could be so callous and let something as serious as this slide out of a 'favour' for the DCP and just protecting her own.
please think of the other kids involved. they are not your kids, true, but they are someone elses kids and i'm sure those parents want thier children protected from harm as well. i'm sure they love thier child as much as you love yours.

i mean if your not willing to send your sons back..... then you KNOW IN YOUR HEART, that something is not right.

please report this.

[living_organic]

I have a 3.5 year old...she pretends sometimes...never asks if it's "bad" or if I'm mad at her for something she's pretended...

I've been molested by a family member, I know that emotions get in the way of reporting, emotions caused my parents to let it go and my abuser kept abusing me...I stopped telling and he was more careful...

For a moment look objectivly...you said you would say the same thing we are saying.

So look at the facts...

DS has never "pretended" things like this before, ie "if you want to go downstairs, kiss me" then ask if it's bad...

L (DCP) Lied to you about 16yo being alone with day care kids. Or if not lied, then has very poor memory.

16 yo has had a troubled childhood.

TWO reports of inappropriate conduct from ds

You do not feel it is safe for your children to be there.


Let me tell you, my abuser had a daughter, after three sons. He was a distant and uninvolved dad, until the girl was born, he then insisted on co-sleeping.
And afew red flags went up with me, including how this little girl acts around him and she hates men.

I went to another board to get opinions on reporting this...so I did, it was hard, even though he had abused me. It was still family and I was shaking the entire time. But it was the right thing to do because children cannot defend themselves.

You likely came here seeking objectivity. But you already know what you need to do, you just don't want to because it's hard! And I've been in those shoes before...you know what to do, now all that's left is to do it.

[Jster]

I haven't finished reading this thread, but I have something important to share.


YOU ARE A MANDATORY REPORTER OF SUSPECTED CHILD ABUSE.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwi...a.cfm#notefour

Go to footnote four...in some states (Including Indiana), ANY person (not just teachers, doctors, etc.) who suspects the possibility of abuse must report it to the police.

So it's not just a matter of whether you want to or not, you clearly have had suspicions, you clearly have had a bad feeling (after all, no matter how much you want to give this family another chance, you aren't sending your own child back there, are you?). YOU are under statutory obligation to report this situation.

Does that mean this family is doomed? No, it means that they will be investigated. It means that if there's a problem, other children will be protected. And it also means that, if you fail to report it now, you could be held partially responsible for any future children who are abused, not just morally responsible, but legally as well.

I've been abused. I sure wish someone had listened to me. I also have a friend who was abused, once by an adult (and his family listened and took immediate action) and once by a 16yo. When he told his family (he was 4 or 5 at the time) they explained it all away, didn't do a darn thing. It's easy to think that the 16yo is a child and should be given some sort of benefit of the doubt, but you aren't a judge or prosecutor or psychologist, you aren't in a position to make that determination, and other children could very well be hurt. And if you've never been molested (thank your lucky stars!) you might not realize, but abuse, even "mere" molestation and touching, stays with a person FOREVER. Your child will already have to do that, he already did the right thing by telling, he already had a sense that it was bad, he's got good instincts now, but they might be lost soon if he realizes that listening to his instincts does nothing.

[Mizelenius]

to all of you who have gone through abuse. I read here on MDC that one of the most important parts of healing is that SOMEONE BELIEVES YOU. It sounds like this wasn't the case for so many of you.

I read recently in Protecting the Gift (for anyone who hasn't read it, run-- don't walk-- to get it . . .your library probably has it) that children are NOT resiliant, they don't just bounce back like adults so often say. We like to comfort ourselves that they will, but the stories here prove that it just isn't so.

Again, many, many s

[mammastar2]

Personally, apart from the legalities of it, I don't believe that one should need to be absolutely "sure" abuse took place in order to report it - this is serious stuff, and it goes way beyond wondering if diapers are getting changed regularly or something. It's about sexual abuse.

If you have concerns, you pass them along to the relevant bodies (licensing, police, CAS, whatever). They deal with this stuff regularly and they sort it out. That's not your obligation.

[peilover010202]

Thank you all for not giving up on me After a long talk with dh, I've decided to report this. I tried to call today, but they were already closed. So, I will call in the morning when they open.

I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...

[sebarnes]

Originally Posted by peilover010202

Thank you all for not giving up on me After a long talk with dh, I've decided to report this. I tried to call today, but they were already closed. So, I will call in the morning when they open.

I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...

Strength and Courage to you, your dh and your ds.

[living_organic]

It's very hard to report but it's the right thing to do!

[Maple Leaf Mama]

Thinking of the other children in her care right now and that you will be protecting them from possible abuse should give you all the strength you need to press forward.

[Jilian]

Wow, what a bad situation! I'm sorry you and your DS had to go through this. IMO 16 years old is certainly old enough to understand that this kind of behavior is wrong. I mean, a lot of people are having sex by age 16, they have to know that this kind of behavior is not apropriate with a child.

I think reporting it is the right thing to do. I'd certainly want to know about the incident if I had a child in this woman's care.

[Lovenest]

Im so relieved you have decided to report this boy.
It needs to be handled by professionals.

I will be thinking of your family.:

[BWife]

I will be thinking of you and your family in this emotionally taxing time.

[laketahoemama]

***SIGH*** of relief! As a parent of a 2 year old, I have to say that it's more frightening to think that there are people out there that would turn thier heads when a child might be in danger, than it is that there are child molesters out there.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by peilover010202

I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...

mama . . .doing the right thing isn't always easy-- why do you think so many people don't report it?

Peace and love to your family!

[PeacefulSeams]

I am so glad that you are reporting this. I know that it takes a lot of courage. I also encourage you to take your son for counseling. It will help him to process it more easily. Give your ds a lot of hugs. Make sure he knows it wasn't his fault and that you love him no matter what.He will need it now more than before. He may be feeling ashamed or bad even though you told him he wasn't.

I was abused by my stepfather for several years. It all started with "let me put my tongue in your mouth or you have to go to bed early." I was 8. It progressed from there. It finally stopped when I was 13 and he started the same routine with my younger sister. We told and it was over.