Oh My G*D! 16yo boy asks my 3.5yo ds to - UPDATE in post 129 - Page 2

[moondiapers]

Do NOT report this to the police. Report it to the agency that licenses her. They will be out there to her house within a day or two....the police may think it doesn't sound serious and not report it to licensing.

[CarrieMF]

When the "puppy dog kisses" episode happened, it looks like you're saying what happened was she talked to her 16 yo, who 'explained' what the interchange had been. From that, I assume she wasn't there when the "puppy dog kisses" thing went down. But now she's saying he's never been alone with a child. That seems odd.

I agree. If the 16yo has never been left alone with them then how would she have not seen that.

I would report it.

[ledzepplon]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

Do NOT report this to the police. Report it to the agency that licenses her. They will be out there to her house within a day or two....the police may think it doesn't sound serious and not report it to licensing.

Why not report to both?

Also, I agree with the "no advance warning" posters. It's your job to protect kids, not to spare the feelings of the other mama. Of course she will be upset, even devastated. Any moral person would be.

[ChristyM26]

Originally Posted by mammastar2

I understand you're in a terrible position. But you did say you had no reason to doubt your son.

When the "puppy dog kisses" episode happened, it looks like you're saying what happened was she talked to her 16 yo, who 'explained' what the interchange had been. From that, I assume she wasn't there when the "puppy dog kisses" thing went down. But now she's saying he's never been alone with a child. That seems odd.

I agree that seems odd. As a former victim of abuse, it can be hard for other people involoved to admit that somebody, be they son, daughter, husband or wife, could be abusing children. Especially if she's running a daycare. I can understand that you don't want to destroy her business but I wish somebody had done the same for me. Protecting the children needs to be front and foremost here.

Meeting with her 16 y.o. is putting your ds in a horrible position if he has been abused in any way. I would never have said anything - I would have been to afraid, especially with my abuser there.

While ultimately it's your decision to make, I don't think I would be comfortable letting it go. You know your ds... is there anyway that he could have come up with this behavior someplace else? watching a movie or tv show? watching you and your dh?

[Dreaming]

I'll play devil's advocate for a minute.
Let's say that you believe her and that the children are never left alone with the 16 year old.
Why wouldn't you send your children back there?
You say she's a good care provider.
She says she won't allow the 16 year old to be alone with the other kids.
Besides, it's clearly a "misunderstanding" and nothing really happened anyway.



HUGE red flags here.
I don't doubt your child is telling the truth.
I don't doubt that the DCP is protecting her business and her son.
I don't doubt that if you do nothing then worse will happen to other children.

[townmouse]

I'm so sorry

She has let you know that it has not been a priority for her to never leave the kids with the 16 year old. Off the cuff, she thinks she is always watching them, but didn't worry or intervene when 16yo takes child out of sight to visit the puppy, and you know she wasn't there for the incident with your child.

I see you've read Protecting the Gift...she's given you all the info you need to not believe the blanket statement about the kids never being alone with the 16yo.

She's told you, not in so many words, how it is. She may even believe she doesn't let them out of her sight, but she does do it. And she's taught them how to cover tracks if they are ever accused by daycare kids (I'm not saying she knew one thing about what happened, just that she's had the conversation with her kids that they may be accused. A 16yo predator would very easily be able to do what he did in a way that he could get away with it. "Mom warned me about people like you. But I'm never, EVER alone with the kids so he must have misunderstood something."

The DCP considering a cya lifestyle for her own children, and "mostly" watching that they aren't alone with the kids, would be fine be except that the boy is dangerous and her first response is to wonder if your child misunderstood.

You know your son. You know your gut. You know that this very sweet lady who is a great dcp, is making light of this and sweeping it under the rug. "When people tell you who they are, believe them."
(I don't know if this post helps, just thought an outside perspective from another deBecker fan might help)

[townmouse]

cross-posted with Dreaming, who said it shorter and clearer.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by ChristyM26

Meeting with her 16 y.o. is putting your ds in a horrible position if he has been abused in any way. I would never have said anything - I would have been to afraid, especially with my abuser there.

I wouldn't meet with them. Wouldn't want to put my child in that position, and it wouldn't change the fact that I would go back there.

[AidansMommy1012]

You have to report this. It s*cks, s*cks, s*cks all the way around, but it HAS to be done. No meetings, just do it. Even aside from the prospect of this happening to another child, it could really kill the trust your child puts in you if he reported a hurt--EVEN A PERCEIVED HURT--and you did nothing. If anything ever happened to him again, God forbid, he might not tell you this time if he thinks he'll be doubted. It's a horrible situation for your dcp, but it isn't your job to protect her. Your duty, as a mother, is to protect your child.

[peilover010202]

Originally Posted by ChristyM26

Meeting with her 16 y.o. is putting your ds in a horrible position if he has been abused in any way. I would never have said anything - I would have been to afraid, especially with my abuser there.

Only dh and I will be there for the conversation. Definitely NOT ds. I want to protect him. If anything, even if 16yo denies this, HE"LL KNOW THAT WE KNOW.

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by peilover010202

Only dh and I will be there for the conversation. Definitely NOT ds. I want to protect him. If anything, even if 16yo denies this, HE"LL KNOW THAT WE KNOW.

I just read this thread and I agree with almost all the PP. You need to report this. Your statement above (my bold)-how does that help? So he knows you know, so what? You are walking away from the situation anyway since you said you will no longer use his moms services. He know that and that means you are no longer his problem, especially if the meeting further your decision not to report. And if she does talks you into staying he knows he is in the clear, his secret is safe.

Do what is right for your son and the other children- report the situation.

[Benji'sMom]

I wouldn't have a meeting with the woman and 16 yo. Because what's the point? 16yo feels embarassed, cornered, etc., L gets angry/embarrassed, it will just highten the anxiety for everyone. What do you plan on saying to a 16yo CHILD while you have him backed into a corner during this meeting? What kind of conversation can you have, and for what purpose? I can't imagine anything good would come of it. Just report it to child protection or the police.

And you say you are worried about L's livelihood in the event of innocence. If 16yo is innocent, then your DS1 is a liar. Do you think your son is a liar? Is that the purpose of this agreed-to meeting? To have a "trial" right there in the woman's house, so you can all decide if your DS1 is a liar? You already know in your gut what really happened, believe in your son and stay away from this preditor.

[JElaineB]

Originally Posted by peilover010202

Only dh and I will be there for the conversation. Definitely NOT ds. I want to protect him. If anything, even if 16yo denies this, HE"LL KNOW THAT WE KNOW.

So what if he knows that you know? It will just teach him to be more careful next time, to pick a kid who is less likely to tell his parents. Please do not meet with the 16 y.o. Nothing good will come of it. PLEASE report him to the authorities ASAP.

[peilover010202]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom

I just read this thread and I agree with almost all the PP. You need to report this. Your statement above (my bold)-how does that help? So he knows you know, so what? You are walking away from the situation anyway since you said you will no longer use his moms services. He know that and that means you are no longer his problem, especially if the meeting further your decision not to report. And if she does talks you into staying he knows he is in the clear, his secret is safe.

Do what is right for your son and the other children- report the situation.

I guess my thought is that he'll know his secret is out. And, if another family reports it to her, she'll know for certain it wasn't MY son who miscontrued anything.

I also just talked with a close friend who does home daycare and she agreed that it should be reported. So, I'm off to report...

[peilover010202]

Originally Posted by townmouse

You know your son. You know your gut. You know that this very sweet lady who is a great dcp, is making light of this and sweeping it under the rug. "When people tell you who they are, believe them."
(I don't know if this post helps, just thought an outside perspective from another deBecker fan might help)

Thank you for that. And, here's another that's stuck with me since I reread portions last night: Be slow to make decisions about who you include in your child's life and fast with decisions about who to exclude. (definitely NOT word for word, but the gist of it anyway.)

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by peilover010202

I guess my thought is that he'll know his secret is out. And, if another family reports it to her, she'll know for certain it wasn't MY son who miscontrued anything.

I also just talked with a close friend who does home daycare and she agreed that it should be reported. So, I'm off to report...

I am glad your reporting. I know it is hard but it the right thing to do. Think how the "other family" would feel to learn their child was not the first to be abused and the original family (you) did nothing. Lets us know how it goes.

[Guava~Lush]

im sorry, i just had to say how sickened i am this happened to your ds.

I agree with other posters as well.

I wouldnt personally feel comfortable meeting the the 16 year old, even with dh. He could be concocting any story. It wouldnt change anything. You trust your son. You wont send him back there.

I feel for that mama too. She got delt a sad situation.

[sebarnes]

I know this is a very hard for you, but I really believe it is the right decision. You should be aware that the police will probably advise you not to have any further contact with the woman's son, so the meeting will be a moot point anyway.

[peilover010202]

Originally Posted by Benji'sMom

I wouldn't have a meeting with the woman and 16 yo. Because what's the point? 16yo feels embarassed, cornered, etc., L gets angry/embarrassed, it will just highten the anxiety for everyone. What do you plan on saying to a 16yo CHILD while you have him backed into a corner during this meeting? What kind of conversation can you have, and for what purpose? I can't imagine anything good would come of it. Just report it to child protection or the police.

And you say you are worried about L's livelihood in the event of innocence. If 16yo is innocent, then your DS1 is a liar. Do you think your son is a liar? Is that the purpose of this agreed-to meeting? To have a "trial" right there in the woman's house, so you can all decide if your DS1 is a liar? You already know in your gut what really happened, believe in your son and stay away from this preditor.

Wow! This hit my heart, and you're right. I believe my son PERIOD. I'll call to cancel the meeting today. thank you for writing this. This boy is obviously troubled and it's not right for me to back him into a corner and get into an argument about it, that's not productive or helpful at all.

[Lovenest]

Get your kid out of there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The little boy I watch was molested at his daycare that he was in for 4 years.
It can happen!