Do you know your childs friends?? spinoff

[HollyBearsMom]

The thread about B-day party invites had me really surprised. The reason a lot of mom said they wouldn't mail invites is because the didn't know the names of their children's friends. This really surprised me.

To me it is one thing to not know all your kids friends when the first start a new school/playgroup/whatever but that did not seem the case in some examples. Many moms said not only did not they not know the last name of these kids they had no idea who the parents were yet at the same time said that these were theirs kids "close" friends and only "close" friends were invited to the party. How do people not know the names of their kids "close"? How can parents not bother to find out? Personally I got back and forth on the invite thing but this thread is not about that.

My son is in Pre-K and I have made it point to get to know my sons friends and their parents. This is actually very hard for me since I work full time. Since he started school in Sept. 5-6 kids have emerged as my sons "group" for lack of a better word. He has been invited to playdates, to parties, to the movies. I have invited these children into my home as well, I would never allow these with out knowing or at least talking to the parents or without knowing the children. If nothing else the book Protecting the Gift taught me to follow my instincts and ask questions. How can I do that if I don't know these kids or their parents?

Now again I use the term "know" a little loosely in the sense that before my son would go to someone elses house I would call and introduce myself to the parent, ask about any details that are important to me, discuss time of the playdate etc. The first one would never be a drop off, I would stay for the first. Then I would reciprocate as well and invite the mom to stay. if I was comfortable we would go from there.

And my son is only in pre-k! When my son is a tween/teenager I think it will be just if not MORE important to know his friends and their parents. I don't need to be friends with them but I want to know their name, where they live, have a phone number, know if the child has siblings, especially older ones, have pets, keep guns in the house, etc. I would not allow him to invite people into my house by only knowing the first names. And I would never let him attend a party when all he got was an invite handed to him at school. I would ask and expect (even a 9-or 10 year old, heck my 5 year old knows his friends last name!) him to know who the kid was, his last name, how he knew him, etc before saying OK and then I would call the parents and introduce myself.

Forget how you feel about the invitation etiquette I guess I am just wondering- do you really not know the kids you invite to your childrens party or over for playdates? And do you let your children to go to parties/playdates/etc of kids you don't know?

[Storm Bride]

When my son was in kindergarten, I knew all his friend's first names. I knew also knew all of the parents. I knew generally where they lived (which townhouse division, for exampe), but didn't know exact addresses until and unless ds1 went for a playdate. He did very few playdates in kindergarten, as that tended to mess with my childcare provider's schedule. I only knew one of the parents by name. We talked a lot, but I never got around to asking names, and neither did they. We were just "Grace's mom" and "Kelly's mom" and such. In fact, I only found out Grace's mom's name last year - just before they all finished grade seven. Grace and ds1 had been in school together since kindergarten, and she'd been to several of ds1's birthday parties.

I knew the kid's last names in kindergarten, but not if new kids joined later in the year or in grade one. (The school sent out a list with the full names of all the kindergarten students at the beginning of the year.) Some of the parents didn't have phone numbers listed under the same surname as the child.

DS1 rarely played with his school friends outside of school, for a variety of reasons.

Of course, at my first wedding, we booked a tuxedo for a groomsman, and neither my ex or I knew his last name. We'd been friends for about three years.

I don't worry about the names of ds1's friends or their parents. I worry about where they live (either the address or knowing which house) and what kind of vibe I get off of them.

[Twocoolboys]

I make it a point to know not only my ds's friends, but their parents as well. Any friend that he has talked a lot about from school, I have invited over. I invite the parents to stay as well. Of course, they don't always and if they don't, I do spend a few minutes chatting with them and I will approach them to chat at school events if I see them. I figure as long as our kids are friends, then we SHOULD know each other.

Now, some friends of his we have over more than others (his best friend, for example, is over lots). Some friend's parents have reciprocated and invited him to their house and me as well. Some haven't, but I feel better at least knowing that I have made contact with the parents, know their name and they know me.

For the record, our school does have a school directory and with that and the class list, I know who my ds is talking about when he mentions a first name only and how to get in contact with them. Though, now that he is in 2nd grade, he generally does know his friends' last names.

[oldcrunchymom]

My daughter is 8 (going on 9) and has lots of friends I don't really know. She has dance 5 days a week and is at her dad's on the weekends so there isn't much opportunity to do "playdate" type things (hence I don't know many addresses), but she has lots of friends nonetheless. She has innumerable friends at dance, no fewer than three of whom have come up to me and told me that my daughter was their "best friend" (note: she does have a best friend she sees outside dance, but it wasn't any of those girls ). They trade gifts and invites, etc. She has friends at her dad's apartment complex I've never even laid eyes upon. Same with her homeschooled friends from swim class and her Friday dance class (activities her dad takes her to). She has two friends near her grandmother's in Iowa she sees once a year or so and exchanges gifts and cards with. She has a couple neighborhood friends she plays with when we see them outside.

Now, you might call some of these kids "acquaintances" rather than "good friends." I don't know what your criteria are. But the fact is, there are kids she sees on a regular basis and considers her friends who I don't know the names of. Yesterday before dance class my daughter was feeling down and one of the other girls sat and gave her a hug and put her arm around her and said, "You can tell me what's wrong. That's what friends are for." I have no idea who this person is.

She isn't really to the chatter on the phone stage yet, but when she is I expect we'll know lots more addresses/phone numbers than we do now. Right now we have a few kids we see once in a while and one (her best friend) we see regularly. She has other friends she sees on the weekends but I am not there.

We live in a small town so you don't really need to know someone's address to get to their house (yes, the town is that small ). So we have three or four families in the general neighborhood we get together with but technically could not send mail to for lack of address. When we do cards and stuff we just hand them out. In a town this size it's not considered rude to hand deliver personal items, even *gasp* in front of other people.

[annethcz]

Yes, I do know all of my children's friends. For the most part. We homeschool, which really helps I think. I can imagine it would be difficult to meet all my kids' friends and their parents if my kids were at school all day.

Anyway, my kids' friends are neighbors, kids from our HS co-op, kids from church, or the children of my friends.

[yogamama]

I know my kids friends, but I don't necessarily know a few of the boys from school that my 7 year old son might want to invite to his birthday party. My son's school is pretty diverse and the moms that I am friendly with are not necessarily the moms of the kids that my son likes to play with at recess, etc.

I am a room parent, so that helps me get to know the kids in his class a bit better. But there are 3 second grade classrooms and I only know the kids in his class - not necessarily his lunch-room/playground buddies. His school is a large public school in an urban area and we don't have a family directory that helps us connect (don't get me started on this one...) My son went to preschool at a small Catholic school and I really liked the family to family connections that we had. At his current school I find that actually knowing other families is an issue.

Another example: his "best friend" from school is cared for primarily by his grandmother who speaks very little English. I called over winter break and asked if the kid could come over "tomorrow at 2pm for a playdate". The grandmother said "yes", but never brought the kid. We have know this family for over 3 years and have been to each others home on many occasions. I've tried to arrange playdates with the mom (she is an odd gal) and my rule is that we only invite their kid to our house, so it's pretty limiting.

Hooray for diversity, but it does have it's challenges.
Kathleen

[mata]

do you really not know the kids you invite to your childrens party or over for playdates? And do you let your children to go to parties/playdates/etc of kids you don't know?

I know all of their friends/classmates-and quite a few of their parents. In my oldest daughter's case-her first grade class has 8 kids who were in her kinder class, so I know them as well as their parents from last year. I spend two hours a week in the classroom with them, and once a week I have lunch with dd and talk with her classmates then. In the neighborhood-I don't let them play outside on their own, and know the neighborhood kids that come around as well.

In our neighborhood there are parents who just turn their kids out-and aren't interested in knowing the other parents or kids where their kids are playing. I'm not that way.

[yogamama]

If my son got an invitation for a party or a playdate from a kid that I didn't know, then I would go with. I would not let my kids go to a friends house unless I felt VERY comfortable with the parents.

[neptunemama]

My girls are 7 & 5 and I know all their close friends and the parents. I may not know every parent well but I know their name, face and have chatted with them. At my girls ages, I wouldn't let them go to a friend's house w/o me if I didn't know the child and the parents. However both my girls go to relatively small schools so getting to know the kids and their families isn't too hard.

Like the PP, if one of my girls got invited to a party and I didn't know the family I'd go along too.

[becoming]

Well, I know his friends' first and last names because he only has two friends (a boy and a girl) that he really plays with at school. I know the little boy's parents only because his mom was my high school math teacher. He has never been over to their houses, though, or vice versa. He has cousins and other friends (children of mine and DH's friends) that he plays with outside of school.

For his birthday party, we invited his whole class. I imagine until he is having sleepovers with other children, we'll invite the whole class to all his parties. And I don't intend for him to start sleeping over at other kids' houses until he is at least 7 or 8. He hasn't even slept over at my sister's house with his cousin (who is his best friend) yet.

Oh, and I stay with my son at parties, regardless of whether I know the parents or not. He would NOT want to be left by himself at a party, no way. He'd rather not go at all.

[OakBerry]

When ds started preschool, I didn't know any of the kids or parents. Yet we were invited to several birthday parties right away. Becasue of the "invite one, invite all" policy at his school. Even though I would be going to these parties with ds if he went, I declined. Now I know most of the kids and moms, and ds has about 4 friends that he is "close" with and we also see them in story time at the library or playdates. One of them I carpool with so we know each other pretty well.
We would go to these kids' parties if invited, but I'd still decline invites from the other classmates because I only know their parents on a "hi, how are you?" basis.

Now that I really think about it, I sort of noticed who my ds was playing with the most, and made it a mission to get to know the kids parents during pick up and drop off when we had time to chat.

I will probably be going with ds to parties and playdates until he is 10. I just can't imagine dropping him off at someone's house that I barely know. At least until I get to know and trust his friends' parents and see what their house and family interaction is like.

[lawgrrl]

Grateful for school directory

Reading this thread has made me realize what a great thing my son's school does by publishing a directory at the beginning of each year.

Even before the official directory was published, ds's teacher sent out a roster of names, addresses, phone numbers and email addresses of all the parents of children in her class. Generally I am a very private person, but I was grateful for the roster because it helped me get to "know" the names of all of my son's classmates and which parents went with which kid - if you KWIM. I was glad not to have to rely on my own memory when talking to other parents at pick up and drop off!

As for the birthday party thing, I have had mixed feelings about that and wondered if I should just ask ds (who is 4) whether or not he wanted to attend. I decided that, for now, we will plan to attend every party to which ds is invited unless we have a prior commitment. Of course if ds stated that he really didn't want to go to someone's party, I would respect that, but generally he hears the word "party" and is ready to go!

[levar]

I know all the names and faces of my son's Close friends, and at least recognize the face of the parents. That will never change. Before he goes for a visit I know first, last names of all family members and at least have a chit-chat with the supervising adult and step into the home, etc. I always present our 'calling card' to anyone we invite over and extend the invite to parents and siblings, etc. For parties I volunteer to help... I have a special "in" for this though since I make cakes and volunteer to do that and help serve, etc.

I grew up in a TINY town and everyone knows everyone, etc. I *think* behavior like this from parents was "norm" even through high school. At least it was from my parents and my friend's parents, etc. Certainly never stopped us from having fun (or getting into trouble) but probably did give the parents some 'peice of mind'.

One thing I've noticed that is VERY different is the ease of this for me now that I am not working 40 work weeks versus when I was. I still did behave the same though as did my FT working Mom, it was just ALOT harder not being in the school, on the playgound, and available (etc) evenings, etc. I also didn't reciprocate as easily, more meeting-of-minds at weekend sport events and school sponsored events, etc.

[Flor]

I don't really know my sons' friends, but they don't go anywhere with them, so? We have always tried to have dss (11) have friends over, but he doesn't want to. He is satisfied at home with us. He has friends at school, but they don't come over, and he doesn't go over to their houses. I'd like to meet them, but what can I do? He has a cousin who comes over every weekend. Other than that, he is happy at home. Ds is 3. We've had two playdates with his best buddy and he was invited to one bday party, which of course I went to with him.

I find the whole mommy-friend thing to be soooo hard. We aren't friends with their parents. I'm open to it, but I don't find the parents at eaither of their schools to be particularly social or to know each other beyond a casual wave at pick up time. I certainly go along and meet parents and such, but I don't think that tells me much about them.