Let the second guessing begin.

[Shenandoah]

During my labor I developed a fever. It was caused by a uterine infection, so they say, and is fairly common in long labors. I'm on IV antibiotics and have been since immediately post-op. Troy has very bad jaundice especially given his age in hours. He has been under the bili lights since this morning. Now the pediatrician thinks Troy is developing an infection, which he is at increased risk for given my infection. Someone will be in to draw his blood within the hour and he may also be getting an IV.

If I had just scheduled a c/s at 38 weeks like the ob wanted me to the liklihood of any of this happening is reduced to nearly nil. But I wanted a vbac. I didn't even get a vbac. Hindsight is 20/20.

As I was writing this the ped came in and said they aren't waiting on the blood test results, they are just automatically starting IV antibiotics and culturing his blood for 48 hours. He also said I should not be beating myself up over this. He's clearly no one's mother.

[skueppers]

I doubt that you chose a VBAC because you selfishly "wanted it" for yourself. Like most mothers, you likely chose a VBAC because you believed it would lead to the best outcome for your baby.

Of course, like anything that involves statistics, what happens on average isn't the same as what happens in any particular case. Even if you decide eventually that it would have been better for your baby to have been born via elective c-section, there was no way to know that in advance -- you could only make your decision based on the information you had.

And of course, antibiotics are not the end of the world.

[MacKinnon]

You shouldn't be beating yourself up though... I know that is easier said than done, and that I am not in your position. But had you gone ahead and scheduled the section, you would be second guessing your decision for that and mourning the loss of your chance at a VBAC. You did the best you could, with the best information you had. Troy will be OK. You are a great mom and tried to do the best you could for your child. Be gentle on yourself mama.

[mzfern]

Hugs to you, mama Don't discount those great "time to live outside the uterus" hormones that Troy received because you let your body go into labor rather than schedule a c-section. There's always the possibility there could have been OTHER problems if he was born 2 weeks earlier. I tend to be a "what-ifer" myself, so I can understand what you're doing. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

[storychick]

I'll just second what everybody else is saying. You made the best choice you could given the circumstances... who knows what would have happened "what-if". Try not to beat yourself up.

[wendyk]

I'll also second (or, I guess, third) what everyone else is saying. The pediatrician probably doesn't know what to say- though I don't really find a lot of benefit in telling someone how they should or shouldn't feel. I know that when I was a pedi ICU nurse, stuff like that was said a lot (before I was a mother, of course) because we didn't really know what else to say.

At some point when life calms down, it may be easier for you to see that you did in fact weigh the possibilities and made the decision for a VBAC based on legitimate research. You did what you truly believed was best and it is an absolutely valid belief. It was not something you did to be selfish or to intentionally put your baby at risk.

Neither an IV or antibiotics are the end of the world in the big picture, but it's hard to see the bigger picture from where you're sitting. Having put in lots of IV's and given lots of antibiotics, I still (8 years after leaving that job)feel like they'd be pretty traumatic for me to have to put my own child, through. But, in the end and in light of a true infection, those things are good and far preferable to the alternative.

Try to find a place to cry if it would help. It's going to be OK.

[Shenandoah]

Thanks for the support Mamas. This morning Troy's bilirubin was down enough to stop the lights but he still has the IV antibiotics. He'll be here at least through 9pm Sunday. More likely they won't discharge him until Monday morning IF his labs all come back clean.

My doc says if I have no fevers today that I can be discharged at the end of the day. There is a free "family" room available for nursing moms who aren't patients where I could stay. It would be a mixed blessing to move to the other side of the floor. I could sleep uninterrupted by the nurses who seem to like to wait until I fall asleep and then immediately wake me, but I'd also not feel righ about asking for their help with other things and I'm definitely not at a point of self sufficiency yet.

Also, DH goes back to work on Monday. My mom can come help but she'd have my older kids all alone...something I'm not sure any of them are ready for. Not that I'd be any help if I were at home.

: :

[tannersmommy]

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. You are on my mind, and I hope that once you get home with Troy and are out of the hospital setting, maybe you will begin to heal emotionally.

I did all of the second guessing you are doing now after the trauma I had with my first birth/C-section. I thought about the birth, the disappointment, the sadness, the what-ifs every day for the first six months of Tanner's life and I really wasn't myself for all of that time. I feel for you so much, and I totally know what you mean about feeling like your body doesn't work or that it's broken.

I just want to give you a huge hug. And the best advice I could give would be to suggest that you find someone in your life with sympathetic ears who will let you cry and talk about what you're feeling. Maybe that's your DH, or your mom, or maybe a counselor. But I think if you talk about it, you might not spend six months recovering from this experience (the way I did).

Please don't beat yourself up about the decision you made to attempt a VBAC. It was the right decision, and I'm so sorry that it didn't turn out the way you had hoped. Baby Troy will be fine, and will be home in your arms so soon. Take good care of him and your older kiddos, and most of all, let others help you so that you can gently take care of yourself.