I just need to get this out

[Amy&4girls]

I don't know if this is where I belong. But I've spent awhile reading lots of the posts here and can relate w/so many of them.
It's so hard for me to reach out..and hard to face alot of what is happening in our lives right now..and hard to face how I'm feeling. We are in a very difficult season of life right now. Honestly it feels like we've been more or less stuck in this season since our son's birth..and his death. Not that we haven't had any happiness in that time. But when the darkness is closing in on me..it's hard for me to focus on the good times. Right now I feel like something inside has broken..AGAIN! I can't handle anymore heartache. And I keep thinking that my family would be better off w/out me because I can't deal w/myself let alone everyone else. I feel so guilty for feeling like this..I have 4 precious girls who need their momma..esp right now. I feel like I'm failing everyone that I love. I feel guilty for everything. That's one of the few emotions I can actually still process. It's like I see what is happening..but it's happening to someone else..I don't "feel" it anymore. I just don't know how to keep going.

[canadianchick]

Sounds like depression to me. Not sure how you feel about meds but I think an anit-depressant and therapy would be a good place to start. I have been where you are and currently take medication and I will NEVER stop taking it..... I feel too hopeless without it. Any chance you can get in to see you doc at the beginning of the week? You mention your son's birth and death .... when did that happen?

[MyTwoAs]

It definitely sounds like depression to me. Depression is miserable, like you describe, its a darkness that you can't get out of it. Depression also comes with physical ailments as well. Last year I had the worst depression of my life (I have Bipolar Disorder) and I told my husband it feels like the worst flu you could ever have. I really urge you to at the very least seek therapy. If you aren't opposed to medicine then go that route. If you prefer naturally addressing things then get in touch with a homepathic or naturopathic doctor. Please take care of yourself, I know its hard but its oh so important.

Please also check in again and let us know how you are doing. Feel free to PM me if you'd like someone to just talk to.

[Amy&4girls]

Thank you both for your replies.

I am in such a bad spot..and I don't know how to get thru this. There are so many contributing factors right now. But I'm just at a point that I just can't take it anymore. I feel like I just need space from life..from my family. But I feel guilty for feeling that way..my girls need me. For weeks it has been where every day something is worse. I honestly just can't handle my life right now. Like I said things have seemed to just keep declining..and actually everything just really came to a head..and am now getting more immediate care than I was. I'm seeing a therapist and on meds. But it just doesn't seem to help. It does..I am able to see abit more clearly. But it is not helping me work thru this. I don't know if that makes sense.

canadianchick....It's been almost 7 yrs since we lost our son.

Thanks again

[Freeman]

Depression does feel horrible, and I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. Are there any support groups near you for families who have lost children? Sometimes being in touch with people with a common bond really helps me.

These may seem like small things, but are you exercising and taking nutritional supplements? If you have time, research essential fatty acids ("EFAs"), which can be found in fish oil/flax seed oil/cod liver oil, etc., and their effect on depression/mood. Also, calcium/magnesium/zinc, and just diet in general. These may seem like small things, but since you already doing meds and therapy (good for you for getting help), these may be something to look at.

Also, do you have social outings where you can just spend time with friends who make you laugh? This really helps me get "out of my head." I feel energized afterwards. And what about time for just you where you can do something relaxing? I'm sure you are busy with all of your children and maybe need some time to decompress. Good luck to you and hang in there!

[Amy&4girls]

Thank you.

I have to admit that I am not exercising or eating as I should..or sleeping for that matter. Nor do I have time/energy for social outings or things for myself. We are dealing w/a serious illness w/one of the twins. My 5yo (almost 6..and I haven't even THOUGHT about a bday party!) has some special needs. My 3yo is a very high needs child. And the twins are just little. So my time is completely consumed by the girls.

I'm sure this will pass..just have to wait it out