Choosing the victim...
Originally Posted by oceanbaby
Well, it is a reality, I agree with you there. And I'm certainly not talking about blindly sending your children off with anyone. But I think the subtle messages we send to children absolutely to have an effect. From everything I have read about molestation, perpetrators look for easier victims, children who are less likely to tell, or are scared, or have low self esteem.
I wonder what cues they are discerning in the infant set? How can they tell which infants are going to be the easier victim, which ones will be less likely to tell, which ones are scared, or have low self-esteem?
In the case of my two year old daughter, the reason that pervert preschool teacher, just graduated college in early childhood education, btw--the reason he didn't pick her, is because I didn't give him the chance. The kids who he did pick were all 2 and under. I wonder how he chose his victims? "Hmm, which of these tots in diapers has less self-esteem? Which one is less likely to rat me out to his/her parents?"
I understand the desire to find a reason a molester chooses who they do, so you can teach your kids NOT to be that reason... it's in your desire to feel some control over this hideous thing. But you may be doing something I am sure you do not intend, because you espouse ideals of non-judgment toward young men for just being male. You're judging victims of molestation as being somehow less-than, somehow having attracted abuse to themselves with weakness... . I am sure you did not intend this or fully think it through... . While it certainly cannot be overlooked that victims are often re-victimized, and there are depths to plumb as to why they are... what needs to be focused on here is avoiding a FIRST victimization.
It used to be said of rape victims that they asked for it, they dressed trampy, they went out at night: and it turns out, rapists choose their victims for all sorts of reasons: they are blonde, they are short, they are tall, they are a certain age, they look like his ex-wife, they look like the girl in high school who rebuffed him, etc.. It doesn't matter if she dresses trampy or corporate, or seems "weak," or "scared," or what he thinks her self-esteem is. What matters is HIM, and HIS problem, not her. The same holds up for molesters of children. They all have different issues, and have various m.o.'s.
Molesters ARE all opportunists; they create it, or grab it when it comes their way. Given the opportunity, they will most likely act. The preschool teacher CREATED his opportunity, and chose almost ALL of his students. Lots of children do fight off molesters or attackers, either successfully or unsuccessfully... they clearly weren't "weak," yet, they were chosen.
Please mamas, please don't make the mistake of believing that if you are raising your child to be strong of mind and heart, to tell you if anyone messes with them, to believe in themselves and their personal power, that they are immune to attack, or that they will tell you. I know of infant victims-INFANTS! I know many more who were tots when first attacked.
As for telling you, if the molester has convinced the child he will murder you, the victim's parents, and your other children if the victim tells... that threat coupled with a possibly agonizingly painful violation of their body, and heiness disfiguring of that child's ENTIRE worldview is going to be a powerful argument against telling you... it might cause amnesia... yes, it well might, and does every day of the week and twice on Sundays. It may cause such amnesia, that the victim happily gets into the same car with the same pervert "nice" uncle to go to the lake again like every summer before, even when the child gets molested there every single time. Seen it. It happens.
Let me close by saying that I have a couple of 20 yr old nephews who were wonderful babysitters; learned excellent childcare from their daddies. Young men can do it, and can certainly be worthy of trust with children. It's great for the little kiddies, too, to see examples of boy babysitters, definitely. One of them just joined the military. Fine young men. I am 100% sure that if they were involved in this very conversation that they would say: "We understand why we may be judged... it is not without cause. We cannot change history or the statistics of the past, but we're going to try to change the future." They wouldn't probably use those words, but they would say the same thing. Young men are mostly a lot more perceptive that we're maybe giving them credit for on this issue.