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Would you let a 13yo boy babysit? - Page 8

post #141 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyWild View Post
This is a calculated risk that can be calculated out by having only adult women care for my child, thus leaving me with fewer fears. There are still plenty of risks out there, but this is one that is far less likely since I made this calculated decision. It is not unevaluated, in my case. I was never sexually abused, but I know plenty of women who were--all by males. My Dd has plenty of interactions with men and boys, and the decision not to have male caretakers is something she is oblivious to, so she won't have any problems coming from having been more protected in this way.
Have you seen the Freakonomics discussion about the statistics of parents who won't let their children play at a homes of gun owners vs. pool owners? Statistically, more parents say NO to letting their kids play at homes of gun owners, even though many more children die every year in swimming pools than from gun accidents.

This discussion seems to be another issue of perceived threat vs. actual threat. If 1-3% of men are child molesters, the chances are very small of your child's male care provider being a molester even if you chose a care provider totally randomly. Using your "gut" as well as other tools to educate yourself about a male care provider (e.g. interviews, references, background checks) should reduce that chance considerably.

Yes, even after all of that, you are taking a calculated risk when putting your child in ANYBODY'S care. Your child might be with a caretaker, teacher, clergyperson, bus driver, etc. that is a molester... or physically abusive... emotionally abusive... a substance abuser... mentally ill... or somebody who could in many other ways be dangerous to your child. Hopefully NOT, but there is always that chance when you leave him/her with anybody but yourself.

I don't think that simply keeping your child away from all men is going to provide the protection you think you are giving. You may FEEL that way, but the statistics don't (IMO) bear out the perceived threat vs. actual threat.
post #142 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyWild View Post
You think that children who are abused by women are less likely to report it?
Absolutely. Plus, I 've know many men who tell me they "had sex" for the first time with an older girl. They don't frame it as abuse, or report it, or even seem to have issue with it.
post #143 of 343
I wouldn't let a 13 yo babysit, male or female. But, I wouldn't care if it was a male babysitter or female babysitter, as long as they were the age that I felt was appropriate and as long as I felt like I knew the sitter and/or his or her family.
post #144 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor View Post
Absolutely. Plus, I 've know many men who tell me they "had sex" for the first time with an older girl. They don't frame it as abuse, or report it, or even seem to have issue with it.

So... they call it "having sex" and "don't have an issue with it." That doesn't really qualify as sexual abuse in my book.
Interestingly enough, I know one man who's confided to me that he was sexually abused by his own dad, and then again by another man (not a relative), but has said that he wishes one of his female babysitters would have "molested" him. I found that to be incredibly odd coming from someone who's been abused in the past, and I'm really at a loss of what to conclude from it. Maybe he's just not threatened by women or girls?


At the present time, I don't really trust anyone except my mom or dad to babysit my daughter. No way in the world can I imagine trusting any 13 year-old, male or female, to watch her. For me, it is less about fear of potential molestation than a fear about basic safety precautions in general.
post #145 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Viewfinder View Post
But, I still trusted my intuition even though my head could only seem to articulate, "I don't get why this guy wants to be a preschool teacher." My intuition, which was causing my stomach to tighten, was picking up that his intentions were not good.

So, yes, don't judge based on gender, but don't turn off your intuition based on not wanting to judge based on gender, because that might be all your head can tell you: "It's because he's a boy/man." If your intuition says "no," don't question yourself about why it's saying no.

.....

I'm not saying "be sexist." I'm saying, sexism isn't a part of this discussion. It's intuition, and it may not always speak to you in literal language... it may be in symbols. It may use a sexist symbol to tell you: "Not good."
This situation wouldn't arise for me, because my intuition/gut about these things doesn't need a symbol. If I get a weird feeling about somebody, especially with respect to my kids, I go with it. I don't label it, or even attempt to. I don't even label the person - I just acknowledge to myself that I don't feel comfortable with them, or with having them around my kids, and that's that.

Rightly or wrongly, I trust my gut a lot more than I trust statistics or safety rules like Gavin Debecker (sp?) puts in his books.
post #146 of 343
I have read PTG and can definitely see both sides of the issue.

This summer we advertised for a nanny position through the local university. We had over 70 resumes sent to us and, sadly, part of our selection process was the decision to only consider female applicants. DH and I really struggled with this and did feel very sad and guilty. DD even asked "why are they all just girls?" regarding our interviews. The bottom line was statistical probabilities and why take the chance when we really didn't need to.

OTOH, if there was a male I already personally already knew, liked and trusted that was available to babysit or nanny, I would not hesitate to hire that person. We have some good friends who have a 12 yo ds and I am already looking forward to him babysitting in a couple years.
post #147 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommytolittlelilly View Post
So... they call it "having sex" and "don't have an issue with it." That doesn't really qualify as sexual abuse in my book. .
Really? Even if the child involved was 7? To me, a 7 year old boy "having sex" with a teen girl is abuse, but I've met many men who felt like it was just their first time "having sex," so it isn't reported or included in any statistics.
post #148 of 343
Thread Starter 
Quote:
So... they call it "having sex" and "don't have an issue with it." That doesn't really qualify as sexual abuse in my book.
And what if we were talking about a 13yo girl and a 20 year old man? If we removed all these kinds of stats from the equation, the number of children sexually abused drops dramatically. No way is it fair to call it abuse when it's a girl but sex when it's a boy. Talk about sexism.

They "don't have an issue with it" that they know of. They are children. They have no idea of the impact these things have on them. That's why it is the responsibility of the adult to act in an appropriate way - we have an understanding about how these things can mess you up, without even realizing it.
post #149 of 343
I think it is also interesting to note that many people have expressed that they would worry about their dd's being molested by men, but have no fear of their ds's being molested by women. Someone posted that their exdh lost his virginity at 11 to his 17 year old babysitter...BUT HE DID NOT SEE IT AS ABUSE. So that may also be where some of the unreported attacks by women go as well...there may have been a more participatory part played on behalf of the boy. And I have heard a number of times of very young girls having been victimized by men where the girl felt she was "in love" and participated in the activities, but the offender (I do see him as an offender, no grown man should see an 11 year old as a potential date) is prosecuted for statutory rape. How many young women in the same age range have taken the innocence of very young boys but gotten away with it because it's not seen as abuse.
ETA: And for the record, I do see it as abuse when an older female in a position of authority, like a babysitter, uses a young male for sexual pleasure. A young boy does not have the ability to clearly understand that what is happening is wrong, even if he does participate, anymore than a young female really understands what real love is when she is with an much older man. I understand that the men in these cases as adults do not feel that anything was wrong with what happened, but I think that it's an attitude that needs to change.
As I am writing this I am seeing posts along the same line, so I'll stop on that line.
There were other points I wanted to mention, but I've had a very long day and have forgotten them. If I think of them before anyone else brings it up...I'll be back.
post #150 of 343
I had a bf who also "lost his virginity" at 12yr old by his babysitter. He didn't see it as abuse. I wonder if that's truly what he believed, though.

No, I would not leave my children with a male caregiver. I would not leave them with ANY male alone. Not an uncle, a teacher, etc. It is sad, but unfortunately, many, many girls are abused/molested and never tell.

Please, protect your children.
post #151 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommytolittlelilly View Post
So... they call it "having sex" and "don't have an issue with it." That doesn't really qualify as sexual abuse in my book.
It is in mine.

I was date raped.

I never said no. I was petrified and could come up with no words.

It took me nearly 8 years to realize that I was raped. I was 19. He was 26 or so. He used me to jack off. He took advantage of me.

He knew I was a virgin. I froze as soon as I realized what was going on and started trembling. He did not stop.

For a long time, I considered that my first sexual experience because it make me feel empowered.....like I choose it to happen. I did not want to feel like a victim or powerless. But it wsn't my first time......it was rape.
post #152 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
It is in mine.

I was date raped.

I never said no. I was petrified and could come up with no words.

It took me nearly 8 years to realize that I was raped. I was 19. He was 26 or so. He used me to jack off. He took advantage of me.

He knew I was a virgin. I froze as soon as I realized what was going on and started trembling. He did not stop.

For a long time, I considered that my first sexual experience because it make me feel empowered.....like I choose it to happen. I did not want to feel like a victim or powerless. But it wsn't my first time......it was rape.

Yes, and you DID have ISSUES with it.
post #153 of 343
For the record, since everyone is reading a whole lot more into what I wrote than is actually there....

I was responding to the idea of what you would call having sex for the first time and any negative emotional/psychological issues with it. First of all, when people talk about having sex for the first time, they’re referring to intercourse – at least, that’s what I was referring to here. I do happen to be of the opinion that is *is* possible for a minor (in legal terms, under 18) to have consensual sex and not have issues with it. There’s certainly a grey area, but I do think it’s possible IN SOME CASES NOT ALL, PEOPLE. Nope, I’m not giving age ranges – but I’m sure not intending to say that any 7 year-olds would consent to sex.

I'm well aware that date-rape exists, and the confusing feelings that can result from that.
post #154 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommytolittlelilly View Post
Yes, and you DID have ISSUES with it.
Not until I watched Oprah and they were talking about sexual abuse.

Then it hit me like a TON of bricks and I started bawling.

8 YEARS after it had occurred. After I had bragged it up. Talked about it with girlfriends.....all in a positive spin way because I was so self conscious about how I "performed"

I put a happy face on and convinced MYSELF even. I wanted to feel as though I had a choice, not bad about not sayin no with words.

I wanted to be cool....not the girl who was raped.
post #155 of 343
***
post #156 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
Not until I watched Oprah and they were talking about sexual abuse.

Then it hit me like a TON of bricks and I started bawling.

8 YEARS after it had occurred. After I had bragged it up. Talked about it with girlfriends.....all in a positive spin way because I was so self conscious about how I "performed"

I put a happy face on and convinced MYSELF even. I wanted to feel as though I had a choice, not bad about not sayin no with words.

I wanted to be cool....not the girl who was raped.

Oprah is good for some things. I'm glad you were able to come to terms with it, at least on some level.

The vibe I got from your post, referring to you feeling petrified/frozen at the time, would seem to indicate otherwise. Please don't blame yourself for not saying no. I know it's hard not to feel like you had responsibility in it (and I speak from personal experience).
post #157 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommytolittlelilly View Post
Oprah is good for some things. I'm glad you were able to come to terms with it, at least on some level.

The vibe I got from your post, referring to you feeling petrified/frozen at the time, would seem to indicate otherwise. Please don't blame yourself for not saying no. I know it's hard not to feel like you had responsibility in it (and I speak from personal experience).
See....that is where the confusion began. I was planning on waiting until marriage. We were messing around (I had a skirt on) then I suddenly did not know what was going on. He was holding my hands and action was still happening below.....with out getting too graphic. That is when I paniced internally but rationalized that it was too late to say no because I was no longer a virgin If that makes sense.....

So instead I choked it up to my "first time" and giggled with girlfriends about how I got some and he didn't last long. I actually comvinced myself that it was true.

I heard he told all of our mutual friends how hot I was but was such a lousy lay. Instead of dealing with it head on and sorting out my true feelings about what happened, I had sex with 6 more partners, drank and partied, made out with girls.....all in the fog of being what I somehow convinced myself was "normal" Plus to prove to myself I wasn't a lousy lay :

It wasn't until I feel in love I started questioning my behavior. It WAS NOT me!!! I was acting out. So uncharacteristic of any of my beliefs. But I still didn't really get why I was doing it.

When I saw Oprah, she talked about being permiscious (sp?) as a result of sexual abuse and the lighbilb went on! It wasn't ME......it was symptoms of what had happened to me coming out through my behaviors.

I believe this is how many deal with sexual abuse and rape. Both men and women.

They come to terms with the situation by spinning how they view it. It puts then in a position of power as oppossed to being out of control of the situation.

I am sorry you experiened anything similar
post #158 of 343
AngelBee.
post #159 of 343
Thanks thismama
post #160 of 343
I'm glad to see you by the way.
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