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Would you let a 13yo boy babysit? - Page 12

post #221 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by hhurd View Post
Well, perhaps that's because the thread is about hiring young male babysitters, and is not a support thread for abuse survivors.
Blech.

I'd just like to say that I think a lot of what was shared here in regards to past abuse has to do with disputing various false assumptions about it. It's something I'll think twice about doing next time.
post #222 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by tie-dyed View Post
I don't think you would "just invite whatever random female..etc.?"
In our case (hiring a nanny) it was basically inviting a random stranger into our lives. Sure we had an extensive interview process, background & referral checks and a few trial days with me at home, but I can't sugar-coat the fact that our nanny, who we grew to love & cherish *over time* was, essentially, a stranger when she first started watching our children.
post #223 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloverlove View Post
Ya know, this is just mean. Many of us have stated that we would not hire male babysitters BECAUSE of our past experiences. THIS is what is being dismissed. I certainly don't expect ((((Hugs)))) but I do expect to be HEARD from where I am coming from and not to be called DISGUSTING for my choices.
I am sorry you think it's "mean," but this thread is not about sexual abuse survivors. It is about hiring young men as caregivers, and I am sticking to the topic at hand. There was no snark intended, nor a dismissal of the trauma of abuse. And to clarify, I never called you or anyone else "disgusting." I think that word was used in reference to the content of the thread, and not the participants in it.

And, speaking of dismissing what people are saying, how about those of us who are raising sons and object to them being characterized as potential child abusers??? Are you not dimissing us because you don't think our objections are worthy of consideration???
post #224 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommytolittlelilly View Post
Yeah. I get the impression from some people on here that men and boys are suddenly breaking down the door to take childcare jobs. I can count maybe two guys I know of who ever even babysat. I know I considered babysitting to be hard work for little money. I would have rather shoveled snow or mowed the lawn, personally.
Well, the head teacher at my son's preschool is a man, and he's worked for the center for 30 years. Several of the substitutes are college age men, one of whom is studying early childhood education. I know that will make some of you shudder, but having male role models for my son was one of the things that my dh and I like most about his preschool. Jon, the headteacher, is considered a treasure in our tight-knit community.
post #225 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2alicia View Post
I haven't read the responses, just the original post. my response to the original post is: I wouldn't do it. I worked in a sex abuse treatment program for juvenile offenders at one point in my career and the boys who molested other boys usually did it to kids in their care while they were babysitting. The boys who did this seemed perfectly normal and didn't have any real obvious red flags that you would be able to tell that they would do something like this. I think every other counselor in that program felt the same way: they wouldn't risk using a male babysitter. They look and act just like everyone else and you would never suspect they are capable of the awful things they did to the children in their care. That doesn't mean that most boys would do this, probably only a small percentage would, but the ones that do are attracted to and express interest in situations where they would be taking care of young children- amongst others that have an innocent interest. It can be hard to tell what their motivation is until it is too late. molestation is unfortunately commonplace and happens all the time. adolescent offenders (vs adult offenders) are especially under reported as is sex abuse of boys (vs girls). pedophiles begin their career in early adolescence. my advice, keep looking. there are plenty of babysitters around, but they can be hard to find. get referrals for several from a local church teen group, high school child development class, community college child development class, other moms, neighbors, etc invite them over to visit. get a feel for each of them. check their references. talk to their parents. So far, I have only used female babysitters and intend to continue doing so.
Bolding mine. I just hope someone reads this post since it contains real data from someone who has direct, relevant experience.
post #226 of 343
I have not dismissed anyone. I have said repeatedly (and I know it is impossible to remember who said what, so no worries) that DH and I really struggled with the decision to only consider female nannys and that we felt very bad about it.

I also stated:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloverlove View Post
I have a son and a husband who used to work wih children, so I *can* understand why Mothering moms might be taken aback by the idea of not hiring male babysitters.
I just don't understand how people on "the other side" can't/won't even acknowledge that these concerns are not totally unfounded.
post #227 of 343
I think so. I've let dd be watched by a girl whom I believe is 12 or 13. (Is it bad I can't remember? But she's two. I'm not sure about a 5 yr old. Maybe after they've had some expereince being together. I started babysitting at age 9 for the girl next door who was 4 or 5. My mom was always home, so there were never any problems. (Except for the time I accidentally got us locked out, but we just went and played at my house!)
post #228 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloverlove View Post
I just don't understand how people on "the other side" can't/won't even acknowledge that these concerns are not totally unfounded.
Because the truth is really effing depressing and we'd rather be happy and pick daisies, lalalalala I can't hear you! :
post #229 of 343
I can see that part of the concern is an element of self-selection. So few boys are interested in babysitting that a larger proportion are bound to be potential abusers, whereas many, many girls/young women are.

My DH always was interested in babysitting but, other than his cousins, he never tried to find jobs becuase he was afraid of people finding him "creepy"--his teen-age way of not wanting to be thought a potential abuser.

Now I'm the envy of all my friends--my DH is soo much more involved that their theirs mostly are---he babywears and when I was PP when to bat for our family's (his term) nursing relationship with a pro-formula LC. But that is neither here nor there and I'm just bragging.

But to shift a bit--some of you are talking about essential strangers and others are talking about very being very, very cautious. I'm a middle-of-the-roader--my (stb) babysitter is somone I know from the local AP community. Not a stranger, but not a super-close friend. In the same AP community is a SAHD who is *great* with his daughter. We aren't best buds, we haven't known him for long, but we know him better than someone replying to an ad. And he's not a self-selecting male nanny (agree completely about the barfalonousness of the term "manny"); he's a SAH/WAH dad bc his wife needs to finish her degree on a schedule--it was impractical to do otherwise.

In such a hypothetical, would you feel better about hiring a man?

If I hadn't had other, unrelated reasons for working out babysitting with the mama involved, I would've tried to swap babysitting with this dad.
post #230 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
Because the truth is really effing depressing and we'd rather be happy and pick daisies, lalalalala I can't hear you! :
The truth that 97-99% of males will never lay a hand on a child (to cite an oft-quoted figure which I have no idea is "true" or not)? Hand me my flower basket...I'm going to pick me some daisies!
post #231 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by hhurd View Post
Well, the head teacher at my son's preschool is a man, and he's worked for the center for 30 years. Several of the substitutes are college age men, one of whom is studying early childhood education. I know that will make some of you shudder, but having male role models for my son was one of the things that my dh and I like most about his preschool. Jon, the headteacher, is considered a treasure in our tight-knit community.


Yes, men are beating a path to difficult and low-paying jobs like childcare. Next, there will be waves of them competing with women to become secretaries and garment workers.
post #232 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommytolittlelilly View Post
Yes, men are beating a path to difficult and low-paying jobs like childcare. Next, there will be waves of them competing with women to become secretaries and garment workers.
What? How did you extrapolate THAT from what I or anyone else posted?
post #233 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommytolittlelilly View Post
Yes, men are beating a path to difficult and low-paying jobs like childcare. Next, there will be waves of them competing with women to become secretaries and garment workers.
No no no! MAN-cretaries and garment MEN and MAN-nurses! Because whenever a man takes a low-paid pink collar job, we need to create a nauseatingly cutesy title to show how awesome he is for condescending to take such a position!
post #234 of 343
This thread is disturbing to me in so many ways. Much of what I feel has already been said, and I feel for both "sides", so I don't really have much to add to that part of the dicsussion. I do have a question I saw before, that I don't think was addressed.

How do we change this?

What can mothers of sons do to help their sons not be pigeonholed into the potential molester category? Is there anything we can do? Or is it a lost cause because of the alarming rate of reported and unreported abuse that plagues us?

My heart aches for all of those abused, and for all the innocent, decent men (and boys) out there who are passed over or categorized simply by virtue of their birth gender. I am fully aware of the male privilige in society, but I still don't think that it makes it right to lump them all together as potential abusers just because they're male. I hate the fact that my son will have to go out of his way to prove he's NOT an abuser. I hate that anyone has to go out of their way to prove they are NOT what any particular stereotype is. I hate the fact that there are so many people in this world who would abuse a child. I really, really do.

Discussions like this really depress me (this one, racism threads, etc.), because it seems like there's no way to move forward from the shadows of the past. :
post #235 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by tie-dyed View Post
In such a hypothetical, would you feel better about hiring a man?
I would have felt completely fine with swapping childcare in that situation. In fact, I would have been relieved to not have to go through the whole hiring "a stranger" process. This is, of course, given my guts felt solid and we did have some mutual friends in common. Also, I would be more likely to do ths in my situation, where my dcs are a litle older and can keep me in the loop.

Thank you, tye-dyed. I am sorry if I offended you earlier.
post #236 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post
My heart aches for all of those abused, and for all the innocent, decent men (and boys) out there who are passed over or categorized simply by virtue of their birth gender. I am fully aware of the male privilige in society, but I still don't think that it makes it right to lump them all together as potential abusers just because they're male.
If I were screaming at and spitting upon random men because I "lumped them in" with abusers, if I were calling the cops on every man I saw with a child, if anyone here were actively persecuting innocent men, maybe there'd be a reason for your heart to "ache" for men the way it aches for women who have been raped, battered, molested, sodomized and exploited. But since really men aren't hurting because of this, I think it's insulting to speak as though being sexually violated and physically and psychologically scarred is on the same par as someone not considering you as a babysitter. I mean for crying out loud.
post #237 of 343
I am not meaning to pick on you, hhurd, but I don't think the statistics are cause for flower-picking.

According to the US Census Bureau there are 100 million men between the ages of 15-65 in the US. My math isn't that great, but 1-3% of that is still 1-3 MILLION men. Given that many abusers victimize repeatedly before they get caught, well, I wouldn't bring out the flower basket just yet.

I agree, The4ofUs that this discussion is very disturbing. Worthwhile, yes, but I wish we didn't have to have it.
post #238 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
If I were screaming at and spitting upon random men because I "lumped them in" with abusers, if I were calling the cops on every man I saw with a child, if anyone here were actively persecuting innocent men, maybe there'd be a reason for your heart to "ache" for men the way it aches for women who have been raped, battered, molested, sodomized and exploited. But since really men aren't hurting because of this, I think it's insulting to speak as though being sexually violated and physically and psychologically scarred is on the same par as someone not considering you as a babysitter. I mean for crying out loud.
I clearly don't feel the same magnitude for the two different groups, but I still feel badly for both - why is it wrong for me to feel badly for anyone being assumed to potentially be something they are not? I just don't understand that. I can't not feel badly for men being held in suspicion, or at arms length by others because of the sins of the fathers (figuratively). It's not on the same par obviously -I mean really - I can't even fathom the pain of being abused - and I don't try to. But the other side of the coin is an issue, and I can feel for both sides. And really, my heart does ache for my son, to imagine him having to disprove unfair assumptions about him. I don't see what's wrong with that, either - he's my son.

I probably need to just stop reading this threads and threads like this, because I just don't see how we can ever move forward on any issues like this. I don't want people to forget what has happened in the past; we need to remember, we need to learn from the past - but I just don't see how we can ever move forward as a society if we don't do something about issues like this.


Subtle, under the radar discrimination hurts just as much as blatant discrimination. Majority or minority, it's still not right. I do what I can to treat people in my life the way I would like to be treated no matter who or what they are, and unless they are somehow posing an obvious imminent threat to me or my children and I find the need to defend myself. I try to call people out who are treating others unfairly when in my power...I feel like that's all I can do, but it doesn't feel like enough.
post #239 of 343
WOW. This is sad.

People have assumed DH was not DD Dad and been nasty in the past. A horrible incident happened when he went to pick up SIL and BIL from a hotel. They saw him and BIL with DD and automatically thought she could not be his kid and why are 2 men here with that little girl at a hotel. Meanwhile the real predators in suits and such just lurk and get a friendly smile and handshake! In our case this is also a color issue.

People ASSUME too much. We are conditioned to ASSUME any man or teen boy who likes children is a predator. Prejudice and stereotyping are dangerous. Follow your gut but grouping all males into the predator file is just as dangerous as assuming all people are good.
post #240 of 343
Funny story to lighten the mood:

When DD was about ten days old I had to go to class. DH had DD on campus (so we could nurse on class breaks) and he was walking around with her in a sling. An older woman came up to him, gave him an incredibly dirty look and with the snarkiest of snarky voices (according to DH) demanded: "Where is that baby's MOTHER?!?"

DH is pretty quick and didn't like the assumption that he was a pervert of some kind bc he was holding his own baby, so without missing a beat he replied "I'm not sure where her mother is. My husband and I got her in a closed adoption."

I love my DH....

Anyway, back to the regularly scheduled debate...
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