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Would you let a 13yo boy babysit? - Page 17

post #321 of 343
Jeez louise, I don't believe in casting the entire gender as unfit. I believe in giving myself the best odds, should I be requird to use a sitter I didn't know well. That doesn't mean I'm not going to be careful with a female sitter, or carelessly ignore warning signs. I don't believe gender is the only thing worth considering. But I think it's worth taking into account. I'd feel foolish if I ignored that just because I want to believe that a young boy wouldn't do that. (And I know a lot who wouldn't. I'd let my nephews babysit, but then I know them extremely well.) I don't think I'll feel too bad if my son loses a future babysitting job to a female sitter. He'll get enough advantages. I'd feel bad if he were called a potential molester or something, but then I'm not seeing anyone calling all boys molesters.
post #322 of 343
Then I'd suggest not using any babysitters at all. Being a girl isn't a guarantee of good kid skills.

Actually, since they might be forced into being nurturing when it isn't their nature or maturity, you might be setting them up for working out their issues with your children. Girls are FAR better at the pretense of maturity, even when it is not so. They also tend to be assigned skills to them that they may not actually have based soley on their gender. Or given the benefit of the doubt, because people think girls just own nuturing.

If you would be unwilling to have a 13 year old boy babysit, you should also be unwilling to have a 13 year old girl babysit.
post #323 of 343
Well I don't use a sitter. The question was a hypothetical. If you're talking to me, my first post on the previous page did say I thought 13 was too young. I also said (just up there) that I would use a boy I trusted, and would be careful for girls as well. The only difference is that I would consider gender and be more careful with boys.

I only responded directly to you b/c no one has said boys are unfit, and frankly I think it's a little unfair to paint this cautiousness (based on reality and stats) as casting "the entire gender unfit". I also don't think girls are inherently more nurturing, I just think they are less likely to molest.

ETa: in general, I just don't understand why people feel so badly for men, lest they be thought of poorly. It doesn't hurt my husband's feelings if I'm more cautious around men in general. He understands why.
post #324 of 343
I was sexually abused by men as a child and I would hire a male babysitter (in fact, I have). Not a 13yo, though--too young. I might be more likely to hire an adult male. Yes, it would be based on gut. I honestly never thought twice about this issue with the male sitters we've used (both are adults and friends of the family and one is also a dad). To me, they were no more likely to abuse my daughter than to smack her.

I think part of this discussion is this unspoken feeling so many women seem to have that men can't possibly be nurturing or genuinely interested in children, and that men are basically unfit for childcare--it's women's business by natural law. By this logic, a man who is naturally interested in children is believed to have a sexual motive. What an insult to men and to the future of parenting.
post #325 of 343
My daugher, has only been with a "baby-sitter" (besides grammy) once. He was male, my best friend's husband. It was for an hour.

My husband and I are trying to get out for a night sometime soon. One of the guys he works with has offered to watch our daughter. My husband knows him well, I don't get any "bad vibes", and this guy practically raised his baby sister.

I go with knowledge of the person, and whether I think they'd be capable of and willing to care for my daughter the way I do (or at least a close approximation).

13 is too young, imo, male or female. Otherwise, I'd not have a problem with it.
post #326 of 343
I have read every word of this entire thread from start to finish, and I am completely appalled and disappointed that the majority of posters don't seem to take child molestation very seriously. The statistical reality that most child molesters are males is just a harsh fact about the society we live in, and acknowledging that statistically males pose more of a danger to our children is just common sense, not "discrimination."

I am shocked and saddened by all the posters who have tried to argue that sexual abuse is not common and pervasive. : It a crime that takes place in secrecy and causes intense shame to its victims, so it is markedly underreported. If anything statistics relating to sexual abuse should be considered underestimates, not overestimates. (By the way, thank you to the posters who provided links to stats. Hopefully this dose of reality will open some posters' eyes to the fact that sexual abuse is happening all over all of the time to many, many children. Thus, we need to protect our children.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Statistically males are *much* more likely to sexually abuse. No, I would not leave my child with a male babysitter, with the exception of one or two men I trust. But generally, no. I'm sorry to say it, but it's the sad reality.

When men stop raping women and children, I will reconsider my position.
: Yes, I agree completely. I would never leave my son or daughter alone with a male caregiver unless he had proven over time to be exceptionally trustworthy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I understand that mamas of boys feel protective. It's interesting though that so many here are taking the position that it is as or more important that their boys not be assumed about based on their gender, than it is that my child not be sexually assaulted.

That to me is the mark of a misogynist culture.
Yeah, I really don't get all the posters who think their sons' hurt feelings over not being allowed to babysit are more important than the life-long, soul-destroying, suicide-inducing, all-encompassing pain that is caused by sexual abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
And no, I will not let my daughter play in homes where there are older boys or adult men hanging around. Not unattended, at any rate. And ftr, my partner isn't offended at the idea that he might be treated the same way by other girls' parents. He'd rather everyone feel comfortable than try to push some bogus "gender equality" issue. He knows how many women are dealing with a past that includes exploitative men and far be it from him to expect them all to give him a free pass automatically just because *he* knows he's a good guy.

IMO that's part of what makes a good guy--not wanting to push women's limits.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazelnut View Post
ETa: in general, I just don't understand why people feel so badly for men, lest they be thought of poorly. It doesn't hurt my husband's feelings if I'm more cautious around men in general. He understands why.
Exactly! Real men aren't all insecure and bent out of shape by women being cautious around them. My brothers completely understand this. They rock!

Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
There is no 'prophecy' to fulfill. This is reality. I hardly think mamas sending our children out blindly is going to stop men from molesting girls and boy children. It hasn't so far. Men taking responsibility will stop it, nothing more and nothing less.
You put things so well, thismama. It's up to men. They need to stop molesting children. And the men who run the country need to make stiffer laws for child molesters. I vote for life-long imprisonment of child molesters. They are almost never rehabilitated, and they repeatedly molest dozens of children, so why should they ever be let out of prison?
post #327 of 343
Wow. The attitude towards men and boys I've seen here lately, repeatedly, on several threads can only be described as paranoid and hysterical. It's disgusting and deeply saddening and truly makes me wonder how our boy children are going to be able to become the loving, caring and nurturing men that this world so desperately needs. Educate yourself, know yourself, know your children and use your instincts and gut to guide you to be safe? Please. Hide behind some book you read and statistics and facts that can be manipulated by anyone to say anything at all? Not so much.
post #328 of 343
That tone is really unnecessary. Paranoid and hysterical? Please. So you vehemently disagree. Fine. I am proudly raising boys, but I am raising them knowing full well just how sexist our world is. It is my aim not to judge them or view them as less, but to raise them to be men who are not just empathetic, decent human beings, but men who are fully aware their privilege in a patriarchy and who don't abuse it in any way, shape or form.
post #329 of 343
No more vehement than the pages and pages of women writing off an entire gender. Paranoid and hysterical, yes, to me it is. It seems that people here lately have more love, compassion and understanding for their dogs than our fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, lovers and friends. That's extremely sad and upsetting to me as someone who is also trying to raise a boy who is sensitive, caring and understanding of the broader picture, who questions the status quo and who understands it is his duty as a recipient of privilege in this society to not stand idly by while others are discriminated against.
post #330 of 343
I can't believe this thread has come back. It raises & spreads so much antagonism and hysteria that I think it's more harmful than positive.

One can manipulate statistics to show whatever is wanted. Each situation and each individual is DIFFERENT. Yes, be aware. Be aware of everything in your life and your child's life but don't predicate all of your thoughts and actions based on fear. Be aware of the big dog down the street, be aware of the (un)registered sex offender in the neighborhood, be aware of the drunken teenager speeding down the street and be aware that some males are perverts waiting to burst out BUT please also be aware that not everything is as evil or destructive as one "perceives" it.
post #331 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazelnut View Post
Well I don't use a sitter. The question was a hypothetical. If you're talking to me, my first post on the previous page did say I thought 13 was too young. I also said (just up there) that I would use a boy I trusted, and would be careful for girls as well. The only difference is that I would consider gender and be more careful with boys.

I only responded directly to you b/c no one has said boys are unfit, and frankly I think it's a little unfair to paint this cautiousness (based on reality and stats) as casting "the entire gender unfit". I also don't think girls are inherently more nurturing, I just think they are less likely to molest.

ETa: in general, I just don't understand why people feel so badly for men, lest they be thought of poorly. It doesn't hurt my husband's feelings if I'm more cautious around men in general. He understands why.
Being cautious about men is very different than thinking that all 13 year old boys are potential predators.

Not necessarily directed at this poster - there is some prevasive feelings on this board that demonize or put down "male" type behaviours. Such as finding competition to be negative. Thinking it is only cool to not promote gendered toys - yet the toys picked are intentionally generally associated with "girl" play. Or only "boy" play to girls, but not to boys. I'm not surprised by this thread. Disappointed, but not surprised.
post #332 of 343
Well *shrug*. I don't see that here. I don't see poor boys and men being undermined here, or judged, or all viewed as predators.

Frankly I'm not surprised by this thread either.
post #333 of 343

oh he!! no!

I think 13 is too young to be left alone in charge of other people's kids. I would never have a male babysitter alone with my children either because I am a victim of sexual abuse and I would NEVER EVER forgive myself if something happened to my girls.

I would allow my m/w's almost 18 y/o son (second oldest of 8 children) ALONG with his teenage sisters to watch my kids for a few hours in their home but that is the ONLY exception.

To me leaving any child alone with any male caregiver is NOT smart. I know there are PLENTY of women predators (like my husband's birth mother) but I still feel it is safer to have a female babysit (the whole mothering/nurturing/more mature/level headed thing).

We only have a handful of people that we'd ever allow to watch our kids. A couple from our church with the same age children, a couple ladies from my APMoms group, a sweet couple in their 50's with grandkids (good friends we bought our house from and they still have 2 20+ y/o daughters still at home w/them), and then our very best friend (a female of course) who is now married and lives in TX.
post #334 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Basil View Post
No more vehement than the pages and pages of women writing off an entire gender. Paranoid and hysterical, yes, to me it is. It seems that people here lately have more love, compassion and understanding for their dogs than our fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, lovers and friends. That's extremely sad and upsetting to me as someone who is also trying to raise a boy who is sensitive, caring and understanding of the broader picture, who questions the status quo and who understands it is his duty as a recipient of privilege in this society to not stand idly by while others are discriminated against.
It is VERY OBVIOUS that you are not a victim of sexual abuse by a male.
post #335 of 343
Would that make her experiences and her opinions less valuable to you?
And, really, let's all please be careful judging other people. She may very well be a victim of sexual abuse. How horrible if we were to have to preface our comments w/this disclaimer! We should be able to talk freely w/o labeling ourselves and others.
post #336 of 343

To BusyMommy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Basil View Post
No more vehement than the pages and pages of women writing off an entire gender. Paranoid and hysterical, yes, to me it is. It seems that people here lately have more love, compassion and understanding for their dogs than our fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, lovers and friends. ...
THAT is NOT something written by someone who has experienced sexual abuse from a male. If she was she'd have more compassion to us victims and would not be calling us paranoid and hysterical! I will vehemently stand by this statement.

So it is okay for her to judge us paranoid and hysterical for not leaving our children in the care of males because we want to protect them, but not for me to make an observation of her statement (from which I withheld my personal opinion of such statement)?

I will now withhold my opinion of you defending her.....
post #337 of 343
I stand by everything I've said but I feel that this thread is moving into an area that should be in the "survivor's forum" and has veered waaaaay off topic.
So, b/c this is not the appropriate area for discussion, I'm bowing out!
post #338 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by BusyMommy View Post
.... your right to feel that only the opinions of those who have experienced sexual abuse are respected. ...
Where did I say that?
post #339 of 343
..
post #340 of 343
What is the big issue here? In my experience half my female friends were sexually abused as children.

By men.

Statistically, hiring a male childcaregiver is a big risk.

It is important to me that my daughter exit childhood without having to deal with this issue. VERY important. So I risk assess all men who are around her, and I would not have a male caregiver unless I really, really trusted him.

I really, really trust her father, and one male friend. That is it, so far.

"Sexist" or not, honestly I could give a crap. My priority is protecting my daughter, and all this giving of the benefit of doubt has not done the women of the world one whit of good so far.
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