or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Would you let a 13yo boy babysit?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Would you let a 13yo boy babysit? - Page 3

post #41 of 343
At *least* one in three of my female lovers and friends were molested as children... all by men who were heterosexually identified in their adult sexual relations.
post #42 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
more important that their boys not be assumed about based on their gender, than it is that my child not be sexually assaulted..
I just read that. Ouch. I don't want to get too personal, but I've been there it happened. if you want to talk about assuming I don't want to protect your daughter, ouch.

I never said that, I don't think any moms did. Where?

I think any of us that suggested a boy babysitter might be ok, were just saying to get to know him well. That's all, then consider from there.

I've taught self-defense to literally thousands of children and stranger danger to parents and children for over 10 years time. It's my job and I've heard all the stories. And I do it because I was that little girl. What you said hurt, that I take assumptions over my boys gender, as a protective mom of boys, in exchange for your daughter being sexually assaulted. Whoever suggested that?? All I did was share my own experiences, I never said what someone else should do. We all love and care for our children and just want what is best, I said we have to trust our instincts and I'd never want someone to go against that. That is key #1 in child protection to me.

Unsubbing, this thread makes me crabby now. lol
post #43 of 343
Luv ya, thismama, didn't mean for it to get heated like that. I'm sorry for anyone who has suffered this. We can point all day. It's out there. And we just need to protect our little ones in the ways we feel secure in.
post #44 of 343
I'm not assuming anything at all about your sexual abuse history, Live4Today. I do think that statements made here about not pre-judging based on gender, and people's poor sons, do suggest a valuing of boys in this more than girls (or boys, who we seem to have forgotten about) who may be molested.

x-post - ITA with you, Live4Today. I wish this was not a reality mamas need to figure out how to respond to.
post #45 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Live4Today View Post
I

I think any of us that suggested a boy babysitter might be ok, were just saying to get to know him well. That's all, then consider from there.
This exactly. Nothing is absolute. My 14 yo ds has babysat and my 11 ds does a mother's helper job on a regular basis. Both moms approached me and my sons about babysitting, specifically wanting them. They know me and my kids well. I did not realize (and perhaps these moms did not either) that there is such prejudice against caring young men being left in charge of younger children.
post #46 of 343
I know I unsubbed, but I had to share...

incase anyone was following thismama and my soap opera...we're friends again, I got over my crabbies.
post #47 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Live4Today View Post
I know I unsubbed, but I had to share...

incase anyone was following thismama and my soap opera...we're friends again, I got over my crabbies.
As did I. It's hard, it's a crappy issue however you see it, and I think we both are interested in protecting our kiddos.

I'm also not as extreme as I'm probably coming across.
post #48 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
At *least* one in three of my female lovers and friends were molested as children... all by men who were heterosexually identified in their adult sexual relations.
I'm so sorry to hear that.

I did some googling... it seems that there really isn't any reliable data available regarding the numbers of children molested. According to wikipedia, studies state that "the absolute number of children being sexually abused each year has been almost impossible to ascertain" and that "there does not seem to be agreement on the rate of children being sexually abused." The listed rates for girls in ONE STUDY range from 8 to 71 percent, which seems like such a disparity that the data is practically useless. I would guess our personal experiences probably reflect the disparity in the study.

Anyway... I didn't mean to derail this thread. I do realize that child abuse is out there and it happens, and I'm so sorry that even one person has ever had to experience it.

That said, I still think it's unfair to blame and fear an entire gender because of some horribly sick individuals.
post #49 of 343
I probably would not use a 13 yr old as a babysitter, but I would use one as a mother's helper. If you're home, you can supervise, but the young teen can amuse them while you cook or do other chores. I might even take the teen with me while I ran errands.

A mother's helper can play outside in the sandbox or on the swingset, play playdough, read, take a little one for a walk around the block in the stroller while you work with the the older child etc.

Creating a community of helpers is a wonderful thing. And the fact that he's hs'd is a huge plus. It means he can socialize with kids who aren't just his own age.
post #50 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
It's interesting though that so many here are taking the position that it is as or more important that their boys not be assumed about based on their gender, than it is that my child not be sexually assaulted.

That to me is the mark of a misogynist culture.
Yes. And it makes me absolutely livid.
post #51 of 343
I haven't read this whole thread, but my very favorite babysitter when I was little was male. My brother and I both adored Jay. Once, his younger brother watched us, and he was awful! Almost as bad as Rhonda. She was so bad she only watched us once. As it turns out, Jay is gay, though he wasn't out when we were kids. I suppose this lives into some sort of stereotype, though it's a good one, because Jay was very nurturing, and of course never harmed us in any way.

A close friend, who is not gay, worked as a "manny" for several years in his late teens and early 20's. Now, he's a stay at home dad. He's a gearhead, did heating and cooling as a trade, and worked construction. He just likes kids, too.

FWIW, I know several people who were victims of sexual abuse as children, and three were molested by men, and two were molested by women. None were abused by sitters. Take from that what you will.
post #52 of 343
I would not leave him alone to babysit. I would consider using him as a mommys helper when I'm home, or take him with me on trips to the grocery store, etc., to help out with the kids (if I could afford that kind of thing). I would never leave a 13yo male with my child and there are very few 13yo females I would leave with mine, also.
post #53 of 343
Haven't read other replies, so sorry if repeating.

I personally would not hire a young teenager to be alone with young kids. I would not trust most younger teens to handle a real emergency (choking, fire, etc.) or frustrating situations (kids acting obnoxiously or whinily) with the same skills, clearheadedness, and patience as an older sitter. While I'm certain SOME could handle it, it's clear that you don't know this potential sitter well enough to know that he could.

Gender would not enter into my decision. IMO, the risks of a sitter molesting my children are statistically low enough, regardless of their gender, that it's not an issue. I also feel that it's just as wrong to discriminate based on gender as it is to discriminate based on race.
post #54 of 343
Yes. If I knew him well, just as if I knew a 13-year-old girl well, and my instincts said he would be a good sitter, I absolutely would. (Not at this point, obviously, because my kiddos are too young to need sitting, but when they're older.)

My husband was one of those kids, and he was AWESOME with the littles. Still is. He had a hard time finding sitting jobs though, and that always wounded him even though he understood the caution. Friends of ours have a 12-year-old son who helps out at our homeschool co-op. You stick that boy in a yard alone with 11 screaming toddlers and he handles them wonderfully. They all adore him and respond very well to him; he has infinite patience, common sense, and imagination (even when he doesn't know anyone's watching) -- far more than I did at his age. Gender wouldn't play as much a role in my decision as personality, practice, and my instincts.
post #55 of 343
Trust your gut. You are already having some kind of hesitation so I'd say no.
post #56 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by chinaKat View Post
However, I still don't buy the statistic that one in three girls were molested as children.
And you shouldn't. This is a World Health Organization stat that is very misleading and it refers to sexual abuse of all females, not just children. First, it's worldwide, so probably doesn't actually apply to your community. Second, the WHO counted abuse that was a result of the female being female. So, for example, beatings in Arab countries for women not being sufficiently covered were counted. Female genital mutilation in Africa was counted. As were rape, actual molestation and such. Also, sex between, say, a 17 YO and an 18 YO high school student was counted -- a bit of a stretch for me, personally. All terrible things to have happen, all things that shouldn't happen in the world. But not necessarily all things that are relevent to hiring a babysitter, IMHO.

Personally, I wouldn't leave any young child with a sitter so young, regardless of gender. And I wouldn't hire any sitter until after some serious interaction, observation, reference checking and so forth. But after that, male or female are fine with me. My son's DCP had a male assist. (high school age) for the first couple of years and he was DS's favorite caregiver. And I wasn't in the least worried about it. And the idea that my son will be blanket judged and condemmed on the basis of a seriously distorted version of statistics is really disturbing.
post #57 of 343
No. Never. No way.
I was babysat by boys mostly since my younger brother was a terrible kid. I am almost positive one molested me when I was very little. And we got babysat alot.
One of my male babysitters killed himself when he was in his early 20's.
I do recall them wanting to watch me change into my pjs and things like that but I was to young to remember. Like 2-3 Even if it was appropriate it did not feel like it to me at the time. No never no how.

ESPECIALLY not one I did not know.

I have a son. btw.
post #58 of 343
Knowing statistics doesn't help me at all choose between two sitters. That particular male sitter vs. one particular female sitter, the statistic doesn't matter. That one girl might be the one in a thousand (or whatever) that is the bad apple. I can just go on gut, observation, etc.
post #59 of 343
Ok. That is the thing about molesters tho. They are mostly male and they are sneaky.
post #60 of 343
Thread Starter 
I find this discussion fascinating. I remember when we were making the decision to homeschool, one of the many things we talked about was the safety issue. So I wonder, for those of you who wouldn't use a male babysitter, how do you feel about a male teacher? After all, that is a trusted adult who is left alone with and in a position of authority over your child.

I'm not sure how I feel about all this. I do agree it is wrong to judge someone based on their gender. But it can become difficult to sort out actual instinctual fear vs. hysterical fear.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Would you let a 13yo boy babysit?