or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Would you let a 13yo boy babysit?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Would you let a 13yo boy babysit? - Page 5

post #81 of 343
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Just like we are unlikely to get in a car accident tomorrow, but if she's not in a car seat if we are, she's far more likely to be seriously injured than if she is in a car seat.
Actually, if we're talking statistics, it's very likely you will get into a car accident tomorrow, far more likely than your child being molested or kidnapped.

Quote:
So, yes, don't judge based on gender, but don't turn off your intuition based on not wanting to judge based on gender, because that might be all your head can tell you: "It's because he's a boy/man." If your intuition says "no," don't question yourself about why it's saying no.
I completely agree with this. That's what I meant when I said instinctual fear vs. hysterical fear.
post #82 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post
Actually, if we're talking statistics, it's very likely you will get into a car accident tomorrow, far more likely than your child being molested or kidnapped.
Kidnapped yes. Molested no.

I am all for diminishing fear and paranoia about stupid things. All this hype about kidnapping is highly overblown IMO. "Stranger danger" I have huge problems with... I think it teaches children some hardcore fear well out of proportion to the reality. But being molested by men in positions of trust... well that's something that happens a lot, so it is a concern I take seriously.
post #83 of 343
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
My mom asked me in grade six if my elementary school janitor had ever said or done anything inappropriate. She didn't like the vibe she got from him. (I lied and said "no".) He was the only male she ever asked that about...and the only male who molested me.
A little off topic, but I can I ask why you didn't tell her? I am very curious about this. It's a big discussion dh and I after reading the Gift of Fear. He talks about having the kind of relationship with your child that lets your child feel safe telling you the truth, but we were both still so afraid that our children wouldn't tell us.
post #84 of 343
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Kidnapped yes. Molested no.

I am all for diminishing fear and paranoia about stupid things. All this hype about kidnapping is highly overblown IMO. "Stranger danger" I have huge problems with... I think it teaches children some hardcore fear well out of proportion to the reality. But being molested by men in positions of trust... well that's something that happens a lot, so it is a concern I take seriously.
Hmm, I don't know the exacts stats (no one does apparently) but I would guess on any given day, you are more likely to have a car accident than be molested. Although I do believe molestation numbers are high.

Would you allow your child to have a male schoolteacher? Or play at a friend's house when their father or brother or uncle was home? (I'm not trying to be argumentative - I am genuinely curious about this issue.)
post #85 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post
Hmm, I don't know the exacts stats (no one does apparently) but I would guess on any given day, you are more likely to have a car accident than be molested. Although I do believe molestation numbers are high.

Would you allow your child to have a male schoolteacher? Or play at a friend's house when their father or brother or uncle was home? (I'm not trying to be argumentative - I am genuinely curious about this issue.)
No, it's okay. I'm just saying what I do. It sounds worse on the internet as I type it out than it feels to me in my life, but anyway...

I believe molestation is more likely than a major car accident because of the sheer number of women I know who were molested, vs. the number of women who have been in a major car accident. I base my IRL decisions about my family on that kind of anecdotal information. But I imagine it would hold up statistically.

Male schoolteacher - Yes. My child will be older then (she is only 3 now). The environment will be different, with other students, other teachers, a system of accountability. That doesn't eliminate the risk, but IMO it lowers it a fair bit. The reality is my child could be molested during her childhood, I cannot entirely prevent that risk without sequestering her away, which it taking things too far IMO. Sort of like the 'stranger danger' approach to kidnapping. Well yes they could be kidnapped, but are you going to terrify them to prevent that risk? Yk? The response is out of proportion to the risk, IMO, as it would be if I said my kiddo couldn't have a male schoolteacher.

I can't say I wouldn't have some concern with a male schoolteacher, although I also think there are tremendous benefits. I would definitely meet him and the question "could this man molest my child?" will go thru my head, I can't say it wouldn't.

Play at a friend's house while a father/brother/uncle is home: Well, my child's caregiver's grown sons are sometimes home while my kiddo is there. They have police checks, but that means very little as we all know. I have wondered about the possibility for molestation, but then decided the opportunity would probably not present itself easily as the in home centre is small and my child would cry if alone with a man, because she is shy, which would alert the caregiver. This is how I think, how I feel I have to think.

Other situations I assess. She rarely plays at friends' houses, except those I trust. And in the situations I trust, yes she can be there while the papa is home. Of course, this is the papa I trust. I would assess each situation individually for how much I trust the male in the situation, and how likely it would be that he would have opportunity to harm my child.
post #86 of 343
The FBI, iirc, says the rate is between 1/3 and 1/8. No matter if the high end or the low end is the right one, that's high. Kidnapping is much, much rarer.

Car accidents have a much wider range of outcomes. People are generally fairly f*ed up after being sexually violated. But with a safety belt or car seat, you can weather a lot of car accidents pretty much unscathed. It's reasonable to expect that with precautions taken, damage from a car accident can effectively be minimized. But there's no such thing as a sexual fender bender. ANY incident of sexual molestation, no matter how minor, is likely to be psychologically devestating.

And no, I will not let my daughter play in homes where there are older boys or adult men hanging around. Not unattended, at any rate. And ftr, my partner isn't offended at the idea that he might be treated the same way by other girls' parents. He'd rather everyone feel comfortable than try to push some bogus "gender equality" issue. He knows how many women are dealing with a past that includes exploitative men and far be it from him to expect them all to give him a free pass automatically just because *he* knows he's a good guy.

IMO that's part of what makes a good guy--not wanting to push women's limits.
post #87 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
IMO that's part of what makes a good guy--not wanting to push women's limits.
Yeah! A guy like that is a guy I am significantly more likely to trust.
post #88 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
The FBI, iirc, says the rate is between 1/3 and 1/8. No matter if the high end or the low end is the right one, that's high. Kidnapping is much, much rarer.

Car accidents have a much wider range of outcomes. People are generally fairly f*ed up after being sexually violated. But with a safety belt or car seat, you can weather a lot of car accidents pretty much unscathed. It's reasonable to expect that with precautions taken, damage from a car accident can effectively be minimized. But there's no such thing as a sexual fender bender. ANY incident of sexual molestation, no matter how minor, is likely to be psychologically devestating.

And no, I will not let my daughter play in homes where there are older boys or adult men hanging around. Not unattended, at any rate. And ftr, my partner isn't offended at the idea that he might be treated the same way by other girls' parents. He'd rather everyone feel comfortable than try to push some bogus "gender equality" issue. He knows how many women are dealing with a past that includes exploitative men and far be it from him to expect them all to give him a free pass automatically just because *he* knows he's a good guy.

IMO that's part of what makes a good guy--not wanting to push women's limits.
:
post #89 of 343
I would meet the child who wants to babysit. I would talk to him and have him interact with my kids while I'm there. I'd do a trial 15min me stepping outside, w/ my cell phone. I'd make sure he knows how to call my cell phone. I'd want to know if his parent/caregiver would be at home during the time he was with my kids.

My dh is the SAHP in this house. My dad was the emotional caregiver of my family growing up (and I have 3 older brothers, all very loving, responsible and kind). I work with 5th graders (10yo-11yo) and the yolk of "responsible" isn't associated with gender.

Notwithstanding the "fact" that there are child predators in the world, it saddens me that all young men are seemingly suspects to some of you. My 11yo ds is so amazingly good with his youngest brother, helps in the nursery at church and just generally loves to play with young children whereever they are. He's not the most responsible type, so babysitting isn't in his immediate future. But he's so wonderful and hands-on with the kids. He's a total AP-dad-in-training.

So anyway, if he seemed responsible, calm and interactive with my kids-- yes, I'd let him babysit.
post #90 of 343
I'm not getting the judgment toward mamas who don't trust male caregivers. I mean, what else would you have us do? Yk? It sounds crappy in theory, I recognize that. But my reality is that about *half*, fully 1 in 2, at *least* 1 in 3, of my female friends and lovers were molested. By fathers, brothers, male neighbours both grown and not yet grown. And most of them have long lasting issues related to that, issues that deeply affect their sexual lives, and their lives more generally. Big, deep, life-interrupting, soul-crushing pain.

I have a 3 year old daughter. My daughter, my baby. The child in this world I am chosen to guide and protect. Beautiful new soul, shining and radiant and vulnerable and lovely. You mamas know how it is.

How could I be asked to not use my life experiences and the information I have, to protect her in this way? Because people don't want their boys judged? It just does not compute, I feel that I would be failing in my duty if, knowing what I do, I did not take extra steps to guard my child against this very present danger.

This is theory, vs. my girl. I pick my girlie every single time.
post #91 of 343
I did not unsub and I would ask that all mothers here listen deeply to their hearts and souls and DO WHAT IS RIGHT by your child. NOt what is pc.
post #92 of 343
Thread Starter 
I just wanted to clarify that I don't see this as "protecting boys' feelings" vs. "protecting girls." I have two little boys, and my concern at this point is not hurting their feelings, but keeping them safe, as boys are molested as well. Which is obviously why I had to think twice about hiring a male babysitter. Of course, to be fair, I have never left them with anyone other than family or a very trusted friend, male or female. So for me this I guess this comes down to an issue of trust in general, whether it be male or female, with a little extra concern when the person is male. (And to get back to my OP, the fact that he is only 13 concerns me as well.)

Dh is definitely less likely to trust a male caregiver. And like a pp mentioned, he has no issues with someone not being trusting of him just because he is male. He gets why that is, and knows it's not anything personal.

However, the subtle messages we give our children on both sides of this issue really bug me: boys are dangerous and cannot be trusted, and girls are victims in need of protection. I feel like these can be self fulfilling prophecies.
post #93 of 343
Just to clarify, I would have the same issues with a male caregiver if/when I have a male child. Unfortunately men in this culture frequently perp against those who are vulnerable.
post #94 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post
A little off topic, but I can I ask why you didn't tell her? I am very curious about this. It's a big discussion dh and I after reading the Gift of Fear. He talks about having the kind of relationship with your child that lets your child feel safe telling you the truth, but we were both still so afraid that our children wouldn't tell us.
If you have ever been molested, you would understand why she said no. People often think and say, why did you not say something, or why did it take you so long to tell someone, not a easy question to answer unless you have been molested.
post #95 of 343
I haven't read the other posts (in a hurry), but I wanted to say I let a 13 yr old watch my children when they were younger.
I was in a unique situation, with a child in a wheelchair and his twin sister (not in a wheelchair), and could not find anyone to watch them when I needed to work on weekends, because my boy was in a wheelchair.

I knew the 13 yr old(s) who watched my children, well. It was actually 2 - 13 yr olds, but they watch them every other weekend, switching off. These kids used to hang out at my house when their parents were off doing whatever, leaving the kids home alone at late hours. I took them in so they would have somewhere to go with adult supervision, and we became fast friends. I'm still best friends with one of them who is now 24 yrs old.

ANyway, they did a superb job watching my young ones, and my daughter still has fond memories of being read to by them.
post #96 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post
Actually, if we're talking statistics, it's very likely you will get into a car accident tomorrow, far more likely than your child being molested or kidnapped.


I completely agree with this. That's what I meant when I said instinctual fear vs. hysterical fear.
Insn't the statistic 1 in 4 for girls being molested in their childhoods??

I was molested by a 12 year old male babysitter when I was 5. I would NOT let a teen boy babysit my child.

Lisa
post #97 of 343
gender would not be an issue for me. it woudl be age and maturity.
post #98 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by momof4peppers View Post
I did/do use a 13 year old neighbor (and his 15 year old sister) and my son LOVES it. HE plays soccer and baseball and basketball with them, where his sister usually plays more with our daughters. At 13, he's more of "mothers helper" in that I don't leave them for long periods of time, and our kids are VERY verbal about who they like/don't like in sitters.

I did read Gavin de Becker, and honestly, in my gut, I trust this family. I do have a son, and don't want him to feel like ALL men are abusers. A good friend of mine was abused by a female sitter, so I tend to go more on my gut rather than on the sex of the sitter.
Thank G-d for this statement! man, some of these posts are scaring me for the future of my 3 sons.
post #99 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by wemoon View Post
I've used 13 year olds as babysitters, but they have been all girls. I think that at that age, girls are more mature than boys are. I have used older boy sitters, they were about 16/17 years old. I was completely comfortable with it and they did a great job.
i think that is generally true, BUT not always the case. I would have NEVER left my baby with my 13 stepdaughter. she was not mature enough. I babysat when i was 11+ and was a pretty good babysitter....but i have met many boys that are much more mature at 13 than my stepdaughter.
post #100 of 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post

However, the subtle messages we give our children on both sides of this issue really bug me: boys are dangerous and cannot be trusted, and girls are victims in need of protection. I feel like these can be self fulfilling prophecies.
Yep.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Would you let a 13yo boy babysit?