When mommy is mad

[asherah]

So I am pretty upset with my 4 1/2 year old right now, for reasons that don't really matter.

Here's the issue at hand:

He has gotten over what happened and now wants affection and attention.
While I want some down time to process what happened and to let go of my anger. I don't feel like being affectionate and snuggling. I am mad and I want space. And I want to think about what I should have done differently, to avoid getting to this point next time.

I am perfectly calm, and I have not lost my temper. I dealt with the situation appropriately, though not completely effectively, but I do not feel affectionate or happy in this moment.

Do I:
Tell him, mommy loves you, but mommy is upset and she needs a little bit of time and privacy right now.

or
Do I give him the attention he is seeking even though I am mad and full of resentment and really in need of some space to process?

or:
Do I do something else completely? If so, what?

Thanks for any kind input.

[babybugmama]

Can you speak more to what happened? I think that influences what you can do.

I do sometimes believe it is okay to ask for some time to regroup. But at 4 1/2 too much time isn't very fair since they aren't going to remember why you need the space in the first place and it can feel punitive. It's definitely, in my opinion, a tightrope walk...balancing between his and your needs. Do you have support around that could possiby give him the attention he needs? Although my guess is he's coming to you for reassurance and will just wait until he can have that.

[asherah]

It is hard to explain the situation without writing a gigantoid post.

In a nutshell:
We were on our way out to a restaurant, but ds refused to put on his shoes. So I said we could stay home and eat, because restaurants won't let you in without shoes. I was not at all mean about it and it was not meant to be punitive. But he had a meltdown, screaming "I want to go, I want to go," but refusing to put on his shoes.

I tried everything I could think of. I offered different pairs of shoes. I said he could wear his slippers. I offered to carry him until we got there. I tried a number of other things.. but still, he would not put on his shoes, or allow me to put them on for him, though he was still screaming that he wanted to go.

Finally, I told him that because we were all hungry and needed food, that I had to make a decision. And because we could not walk across the dark parking lot barefoot because that could hurt our feet, and because we could not go into the restaurant barefoot, it was better to eat at home.

Dh ordered in food. We were very gentle, not yelling, simply explaining our decision.

Meltdown continues.
I tell him I love him and that I am sorry he is so upset. I hug, I comfort, I try to play. Meltdown continues.

I finally withdraw and give him space to melt down. Meltdown ends. Now he wants Mommy time.

But mommy is very tired, and very concerned because this happens fairly frequently. Mommy needs a bit of downtime. So she's on the computer, while ds piles toy fish on the keyboard and says "please be happy mommy."

I don't think pretending to be happy when one is not happy is good modeling.
I think it is important for him to learn that we have different kinds of feelings and how to deal with them. But I am just not sure what to do right now.

[Aeress]

I think it is o.k. to repeat that you love him, give him a hug and then go back to the computer or whatever.

[babybugmama]

That sounds like a very frustrating situation. And one without a clear cut here's what you do.

I'll be honest with you, I'll tell you what I have done. But I don't know that it's the right thing to do or not. I don't know whether it falls within gentle discipline or AP or not. It's just what I've done to survive.

I think it's silly to pretend we aren't angry. We have our emotions for a reason. They give us information about situations and we use that information to guide our behavior. (many of us, me included, tend to let our emotions run our behavior, not guide). That said, you maintained your equilibrium which is fantastic. But, now you're angry. His choices and actions have caused dissonance for you and the family and you are needing time to regroup. Which to me is completely normal. I have in those situations said to my 4 year old, Mommy is very frustrated right now and I need some time to calm down. And then I took it. I did not take too much time and tried to actively calm myself versus distraction or other passive calming strategies (ie TV, computer time, reading). I talked myself down basically.

Once you are really calm I would revisit with ds his behavior and see if he has an understanding of why the shoes became so important. I was surprised at dd's insight about some acting out at dinner. She just said, I'm really excited about movie night (we watch a movie on sat nights) and I just want to get through dinner fast. I was so impressed with her insight and verbalization. I think likely we will be able to prevent future problems just by her being able to do that.

I hope that helps. I'm off to bed. I have a newborn and we're both sick. Blech.

[Mom4tot]

Asherah, fwiw, I think you handled that amazingly well. I agree with you that you shouldn't pretend to be happy when you aren't. I have tried to comfort in some of those situations, at times it has made me angrier and I realized I needed to step back again. Perhaps just being playful with the fish for a minute or two may alleviate some of his stress without having to reengage completely? Can he talk about what happened...like what he can do differently next time?

[asherah]

Sorry you are sick, Babybug.
Thanks for the support, everyone.
It IS frustrating, and he can't really explain what is going on yet when he does this.
So I am doing the best I can. I am pretty good at staying gentle, but not always good at coming up with effective strategies. And it takes so much effort and energy to stay engaged when you are so frustrated and baffled, kwim?

[thismama]

He is looking for confirmation of your love IMO. I think if you can genuinely engage with him and enjoy it, that is ideal. Don't fake it, he will know, that is what he is trying to test. I think it is perfectly fine to tell him you love him dearly and want to be by yourself for a bit.

[asherah]

Thanks, that's pretty much what I did. I told him I loved him but that I needed to be alone for a little while. I told him I was disappointed we couldn't go to the restaurant, and that I wanted to talk about it after I took some time to calm down.

He is watching his dolphin video with dh now.

And I am having a much-needed glass of merlot.

[thismama]

Yay, good for you asherah! Enjoy that merlot! I probably would not have done nearly as well as you did.

[Aeress]

I think you have a very good handle on how he is feeling. You said you were baffled and so was he. You said he couldn't explain why he was upset and neither could you. All very real feelings but so hard to handle.

My oldest went through a rough patch of time when this similiar things would happen. I think it really was hormonal and not really about anything specific. I know she really wasn't mad about the shoes (well, i don't think she was) and she just seemed so out of control. It was like she just needed to vent, did it and then was fine.

I think you handled it well. It is hard to see our children so upset and not be able to help but you offerred to help him, be there for him and didn't tell him how he was feeling was wrong. You did great! *hug*

[GooeyRN]

I think you did an EXCELLENT job in handling the situation. I'm not one to fake happiness, either. Adults are allowed to have emotions and feelings, too. :

[babybugmama]

You really seem to have a strong intuitive sense for what to do. I must admit I envy your naturalness. You really handled the situation fantastically!

Thanks for the "sorrys" As you can see sleeping didn't last long...we'll see how long till he falls asleep now.

[newmommy]

asherah, I'm glad everything worked out well

DS does this...get angry/have meltdown and then want mommy time.

He wants to reassurred that I still love him. I just hug him and kiss him and go back to my feelings.

[wemoon]

You handled it much better than I would have! Did you two end up talking about it then? How did that go?

[MamaBug]

Moving this to Childhood Years

[AuntNi]

I think you handled that better than I would have. DD went through a period where she had meltdowns like this a lot. It always made me angry, too.

What's worked for us is for me to tell her, "Mama always loves you, no matter what. Even when we're angry with each other, Mama still loves you." That really seemed to click with her. So while she's still uncomfortable when I'm angry, as long as I reassure her I still love her, she can give me a little space to cool off.

[Christine&men]

Originally Posted by asherah

Do I:
Tell him, mommy loves you, but mommy is upset and she needs a little bit of time and privacy right now.

That seems right for me. Everyone needs space at some point ...

[angel1895]

I think that you handled it well also... I would do the same

[lesley&grace]

Hi,
I think you handled the situation very well, that your ds would not put on his shoes and that the logical consequences of that was that you would not go to the restaurant.

In the actual in-the-moment situation what I may have done differently is when the melt-down started I would have said "I realize you are upset right now. I will give you some time to calm down and when you have, we will talk about your choice." Then walked away.

I find that giving attention to meltdowns feeds them and gives them power, which is the opposite of what you want since when meltdowns have power the child will continue to use them. We went through a period of horrible meltdowns with my dss, some which would last for hours, and when we made the decision to simply not give them attention he learned quite quickly that it was not an effective strategy.

That said...I do think it is totally ok for you to tell your son that you need time to yourself to calm down, and if possible remove yourself from where he can get to you (my "hiding place" is the tub). I do think it is important that children see that adults (which will translate into seeing all people) have emotions just like he does and he can see you modelling an appropriate way to deal with your upset. He does not see you crying and drumming your feet on the floor...he sees you calming yourself in other ways which can show him that he too can go to a quiet place to calm down. The idea that we need to hide our emotions from our children does not help them on their journey to becoming emotionally stable adults. He will also learn to respect other's emotions, as you show him that you respect his and let him know he needs to respect yours.

No one ever said this mommy thing was easy.