Thoughts and Questions About Birthmothers

[Leta]

My grandfather was an orphan in Detroit during the Great Depression. He always spoke of his foster family as the people who saved his life, how he would've been in jail or dead if it weren't for them. (They wanted to adopt him, why they could not- thru no fault of their own- is another story.)

It is probably because of my grandpa's experiences that I've wanted to adopt children since I was old enough to want anything. I've always pictured myself adopting older children out of the foster system. If I did adopt an infant, I always thought I'd do that as an open adoption, too. However, I'm now in a position where I know of a woman who is six months pregnant and who claims she wants NOTHING to do with the baby she's carrying. She says she hates it. She has three other children. This situation is keeping me up nights. I have no idea if we even have a snowball's chance of adopting this baby, but the whole situation has left me with all kinds of questions.

I always thought that women who relinquished children to adoptive families did so because they felt they lacked the ability and resources to parent. Yet this women is already parenting several other children. I always thought that, sadly, much of what led women to become birthmothers was monetary. But this is not the case with this woman, either.

Part of me wants to wrap my arms around this baby and run away with it. Part of me wants to help this woman, to figure out why she's so convinced she can't parent this baby. Being as how this baby is a different race from our family, I would want it to know it's birthfamily, in particular it's siblings. Yet I fear that this mom would not allow such an arrangement. I always thought that birthmothers loved their children, regardless of whether they felt that they could parent. Yet this woman claims to hate the child she's carrying.

What leads to this type of situation? Why would a woman in her midthirties suddenly decide she's not able to parent after all? What really leads women to relinquish their children? I feel like I got it all wrong.

I know that every situation is different, but I'm sure that most birthmothers share many commonalities. I know there are some of you on this forum who are birthmothers. Can anyone help me to understand this?

[lifescholar]

My natural mother was kidnapped by her father when she was 3 years old. Over the years, she did see her mother, but their relationship was never very close. Her step-mother personified the term "evil step-mother".

Because she never felt "mothered", she had no faith in her ability to be a mother. When she became pregnant at 18, she could not conceive of becoming a parent. She wanted to have an abortion, but it was too late.

She ended up in a home for unwed mothers, and learned all about adoption. She says that she was never connected with me while she was pregnant.

After I was born, I went home with my natural father, where I stayed for almost almost 2 months. My natural mother visited, but she says that I cried every time she held me.

After a while, she gave up. She wanted me to be "mothered" the way that she never was, and she didn't feel that she could do that for me.


I think in this case, trying to find out more about why this woman feels so strongly towards this baby would be a great idea. If she's open to help, then your offer would probably be most welcome to her. Maybe her hatred is simply covering up a feeling of despair and hopelessness. Maybe she feels certain that she couldn't raise a fourth child. Perhaps you could look into the resources available, and present her with information about what she could expect if she DID keep the baby.

If you found that her feelings were real, and were not going to change, you could look into adoption. BUT, I would not let her know your intentions until after the baby was born, OR if she started seriously talking with another potential adopter.

I know many women who decided against adoption after their baby was born, but placed the child anyways because they felt that if they didn't, they would be betraying the adoptive parents, whom they had become very close to.

If you do let her know that you would be interested in adopting her baby, it would be helpful for you to really let her know that if she changed her mind, it would be okay with you.

If she said she didn't want any contact, you could still send her cards or letters, and let her know that she didn't need to respond if she didn't want to. By leaving the door open, she wouldn't feel pressured, and would be free to make the first move if and when she desired to. Explain to her your desire for the baby to know her and her other children.

I think you sound like a WONDERFUL potential adopter, you sound a lot like my mom. Being adopted isn't easy, but having parents who truly understand adoption, adoption loss, and the desire to know your roots makes a HUGE difference in the life of an adoptee.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do. And if you decide to walk away, that's okay, too! This is not your responsibility, and if the emotional price is too high to pay, then you need to back away to take care of yourself. Just by even THINKING about this, you have already proved that you are a very selfless person.

[SweetMamaMe]

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[Emilie]

I think you sound like a WONDERFUL potential adopter, you sound a lot like my mom. Being adopted isn't easy, but having parents who truly understand adoption, adoption loss, and the desire to know your roots makes a HUGE difference in the life of an adoptee.

I think you need to look further into adoption as a whole. Not just based on the experience your grandfather had. A good book is The Primal Wound.
Another I hear good reviews of is 20 Things Adopted Kids wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew.

Go get them on www.amazon.com

Adopting a child is not about becomind a hero and saving this child from the hell it would have being raised with a woman who professes to hate it.

I know you want to do the best thing for the child. Right now that would be doing as much research on adoption and adoptees( which is what your child would be). You may not be able to adopt this child but you may be able to in the future. If you are interested it is time to get real and get researching. Feel free to pm me anytime.

[Leta]

Thank you, lifescholar. Your post gave me insight.

Emilie, I have read the Primal Wound. I know that nobody is ever a substitute for the woman who carried you. But I also know that it's not a perfect world, and that some children cannot be raised by their natural parents. I'll read the other book you recomended.

[Amris]

I gave my son up for adoption.

I have to be absolutely straight with you. There's no possible way for me to help you understand this woman, because I cannot remotely relate at all.

Not even in the smallest way. I cannot imagine hating my baby- either of them.

No, not all birthmothers have things in common. Now you have absolute proof of that. I don't have a single thing in common with that woman, except that (if she does), I gave my baby up for someone else to raise, and so did she.

In fact, I find the prejudice in your "you must all be like her" to be offensive in the extreme. I have nothing in common with any person who hates their child (born or unborn).

I loved my son so much I wanted to die when I gave him up, because I missed him and I still to this day weep on his birthday and around holidays. It's been 13 years.

So before you go around telling people that they must be like someone like this, do yourself a favor and THINK about what you're really saying. And furthermore, the adoptive parents didn't save my child, I DID. They didn't rescue him, I CHOSE THEM to raise him.

I repeat, I find your assertion that all of us are alike to be offensive and incredibly ugly.

[Leta]

From the OP: "I'm sure that most birthmothers share many commonalities."

Most. Many. Not all. Not everything.

I'm glad that you love your son. It revives my faith in how this all usually works.

I don't want to save anyone. I just want to help. If I can't do anything to help, then I just want to know that I'm powerless.

That's why I'm so torn up about this situation. I know that people on opposite sides of the adoption triad look at each other as enemies, and that's so sad. Yes, I would love to adopt. Yes, I would take this baby in a heartbeat. But I feel like if I'm honest about that, I lose all credibility. I don't want to steal this baby from it's mama. I just want it's mama to love it. And, if for whatever reason, she can't raise this child, yes, I'd like to be considered a potential adopter.

I'm sad because I don't want to be seen as only getting involved in order to get a baby. That's not how I feel AT ALL. I believe that I'll get the children I'm meant to have. And I'm lucky in that neither myself nor DH has any fertility troubles, so my desire to adopt is not rooted in wanting to "fix" anything.

Amris, I'm sorry if I hurt or offended you. I'm just trying hard to put myself in another's shoes.

[Amris]

In this case, I would get involved personally just to love the baby. Everyone deserves to be loved. If the mother is willing to let someone love it, why not you? Who cares if you "just want a baby" or not, if the little one grows up loved and wanted?

You have love to give. Baby has a need to be loved. It's obvious, no?

Semantics aside of judgement on why you get involved, which is more important, what people think of you, or your child feeling loved?

You will have to raise baby to believe that you heard about his mommy pregnant with him, and you wanted him SO MUCH! That you waited every day for his birth until you could hold him in your arms.

You can teach him that his mother wasn't able to give love at the time he was born, but that, in her wisdom, she knew that and wanted him to have the love she didn't KNOW HOW to offer.

The way you say some things is more important than the fact that they have to be said. Until he's old enough to ask, "Why?" you can tell him simply that you chose him and loved him from before he was even born. You can project your love towards him while he's in the other woman's womb.

To hell with what anyone might think of you for wanting him (or her). The gift of love is more important than anyone else's prejudice or stupid judgements.

Tell her, "I would love to adopt your baby, if you're willing to let me." If she asks why, tell her that you want a child to love, that you want a child in your life.

Just never tell the child you "saved her" from her birthmother or from a horrible life. Just tell her that you "brought her into" your own life. That she brings you joy and love, and you bring her joy and love.

There's no need to be enemies... we both have one desire... that our children be loved and raised as well as possible. You only become enemies if you make it so.

Those who adopted my son made me their enemy by lying to me about promising to send pictures and keep in touch. That was their choice. It doesn't have to be like that.

I didn't see them as enemies prior to that, I saw them as people who could offer me that which I most wanted.... safety and a good life for my son. Had they not lied to me, there would be NO animosity towards them from me at all, in fact, to the contrary. I would be grateful to their gift to me of allowing me to watch my son grow up in a strong family.



Edit to add: If the mother allows you to adopt, then she does love him/her. Because if she genuinely hates baby, she'll keep baby just to harm and hurt baby. If she cares at all, she'll allow someone who can love baby take him/her. So teach baby that just the very action of letting someone capable of giving love do so, was an act of love.

Whether you see it that way or not doesn't matter... baby's self-worth is at stake.

[Leta]

Amris, I am so, so sorry that your son's adoptive parents lied to you and betrayed not only your trust, but your son's trust.

From what I understand, people need to know their origins. To deny an adopted child access to his first parents is to deprive him of a basic human right. I hope someday the law will reflect this.

Thank you so much for your insight into this situation. What you said especially about not "saving" and about the mama "not being able to give love at the time" really resonated with me. I will be sure to always remember that.

I'm praying for this mama and her baby.

[Emilie]

I hope you did not take my comments to offense. I think it is commendable that if you have this opputunity you take it.
My aparents did not do right by me. So I am a bit touchy about it.
Good luck to you and please keep us posted. I ususally do not come to this forum but caught in on new posts.

GOOD LUCK. I wish you the best and hope some good comes for the baby.

I do not see my moms as advasaries, there are just complex emotions. Big time.

[Leta]

Oh, man, I do not want anyone on this thread to feel like I am ungrateful for her post! Thank you ALL for posting. I need to hear this stuff, I need to know.

Adoption isn't always the perfect arrangement it's made out to be. Sometimes it isn't pretty. I feel like I must acknowledge that if I am ever to be a decent adoptive parent. And, I trust in my heart that I will be. If not now, then someday.

I feel like adoptions of the past have had two main things working against them: 1) Secrecy, and 2) Coerced Moms. If we can be open and honest, and the mamas are truly giving their children, rather than being forced, I think that adoption can truly bloom into the miracle it was meant to be.

I want to understand this situation so that I can try to help. If I am meant to parent this child, understanding can only help me in that regard. I want to go into this with open eyes, rather than just an open heart. I want to be a good parent, not just a loving one.

And if I am not meant to raise this baby, I at least want to help the situation so that the baby is loved and well taken care of.

So please, share your thoughts! I have already been given such insight from what has been written here.

[Potty Diva]

I'm a birthmom.

I had my first son at 18 and was emotinally immature and had no resources for being a good parent. I wanted to be with friends and have fun. Things my parents never let me do when I lived with them (as a kid I went to one movie with a friend and that is when i was 17- I got yelled at when I got home because I was 20 minutes late).

I moved out of my parents house 3 weeks after my son was born. I was thoughtless and ignorant of the efforts needed for parenting. I was easily frustrated.

When my son was nearly two I enlisted in the Army. I was attending a community college and my son went to an inhome childcare. I often came late to pick him up- sometimes I was with my "boyfriend". I feel so shameful when I think about it. It really makes a physical change in me to realize I sucked s a mother. So I enlisted in the Army, was discharged a few months later because I failed my PT test a couple of times (no upper body strength). When I came home I lived with a friend and my parents wanted to adopt my son. I said yes. I feigned sadness and that was that. Though my parents did not allow me to take him anywhere (for fear I would tae him to see his natural father- which I would never do) I didn't really put up a fight over it. This isn't entirely true though. I missed him like heck. Ok so maybe I am getting this wrong. Right now I miss him like crazy and hate that I gave him away, that I ouldn't think of anything else to do. That no one offered any resources for me.

Anyway, when I was 22 I gave birth two fraternal twins (my son was 3). I wanted to keep them. Was still living with the friend I moved in with after returning from the Army. She was morally apposed to abortions and wouldnt let me live with her if I kept the babes. felt trapped once again. By this time I am sure I knew I couldn't be a parent, so why try.

My dad made me ask the adoptive parents who are wonderful and kind- for money. They gave me 2500 dollars to cover "medical and living expenses" which I spent quickly on junk- a stereo comes to mind.

What in the heck has happened to me? How could all of this happen? I don't know.

Did I hate my children? Never. Could I say "I hate this baby" to cover up my fear and saddness? I think it is possible.

I remember when my younger sister found out she was pregnant and she actually said while crying "I don't want it!" She was hysterical. But, she kept and is raising her daughter (she now has two more children and is married to the younger two children's father). She had resources though. She had my stepmother and father. I had no one.

[Emilie]

[Buddhamom]

As a parent three times over (2 bio 1 adopted) I can't fathom not loving my child. However, our adoption sit. is not your happy, open adoption where everyone becomes involved. We knew basics when we adopted our baby, but when we sat down and read the SW's notes and what b-mom had said about the preg. and the baby we were shocked. The hard part is someday, we will have to tell Drihan all about this because it is written out and I would rather tell her than have her read this in her records. You can't always shelter them from harsh truths and it sucks. Perhaps there are circumstances surrounding this preg. that are hurtful to the mother that she hasn't made you aware of. If you are serious about adopting, you could discuss it with her, find out if private adoption is legal in your state (if not get her to work with an agency) and get your homestudy done.

[CrazyCatLady]

Here's my thought as a birth mom who went through the same feelings that it sounds like she's going through. I honestly doubt that she truely "hates" the baby. She probably hates that she's pregnant right now. Hates being pregnant. Hates that she doesn't even want her own child (you have no idea how low of a person that makes you feel like). Probably hates that she either couldn't or didn't just have an abortion. I bet she's dreading the birth and everything that she'll have to go through afterwards (either parenting or placing the child). She sounds like a scared mom who is just misplacing her anger and saying that she hates the child when I doubt that she really does.

You can't change how she feels and you'll never probably understand. Just offer to be an ear when she needs one. If you want to adopt the baby, let her know that you're an option if that's what she chooses to do. But mention it once sincerely, and then drop it. Nothing worse to a birthmom than having everyone that she knows pestering her to give them your baby (people seem to get really tacky in this situation). And if she doesn't end up choosing you in the end, don't make her feel terrible about it. That's the best way to be a good friend here. You could also offer to help her find therapy or whatever she needs if she want's it.

There was one book that I thought was very important for both birth and adoptive families to read. It applies to open adoptions, closed, and is even good for extended families to read imo. I can't remember the name of it, but I'll be back with it in a bit.

[Mom2lilpeeps]

Just want to jump in and say Melaya I always love reading your posts. You offer wonderful insight and seem to be such a gentle loving spirit. I know it's off the topic... sorry to OP.

Peace,
Candy

[Emilie]

Thanks birthmoms for being so honest here. It is very helpful for me.
Mybmom does not like me. But that is okay. I know it is not really me she is mad at.
It is sad though.

[aja-belly]

Originally Posted by Melaya

There was one book that I thought was very important for both birth and adoptive families to read. It applies to open adoptions, closed, and is even good for extended families to read imo. I can't remember the name of it, but I'll be back with it in a bit.

if it's the book you recommended to me it's "children of open adoption and their families" by silber and dorner. http://www.amazon.com/Children-Open-.../dp/0931722780

it is a great book with alot of insight and info on open adoptions, and adresses alot of issues with raising an adopted child.

[Leta]

Originally Posted by Melaya

If you want to adopt the baby, let her know that you're an option if that's what she chooses to do. But mention it once sincerely, and then drop it. Nothing worse to a birthmom than having everyone that she knows pestering her to give them your baby (people seem to get really tacky in this situation). And if she doesn't end up choosing you in the end, don't make her feel terrible about it. That's the best way to be a good friend here.

This is what I needed to hear. Thank you. Your whole post was great. I don't want to make her feel like a bad person because I know she's already beating herself up. And I don't want to be obnoxious.

[CrazyCatLady]

I always thought that women who relinquished children to adoptive families did so because they felt they lacked the ability and resources to parent. Yet this women is already parenting several other children. I always thought that, sadly, much of what led women to become birthmothers was monetary. But this is not the case with this woman, either.

What leads to this type of situation? Why would a woman in her midthirties suddenly decide she's not able to parent after all? What really leads women to relinquish their children? I feel like I got it all wrong.

Even though I see why other bmom's took offense to your post, I'm not going to beat you up here. You sound like a very kind person who honestly just doesn't know much about this topic (though it seems that you're being forced to learn fast). I had money and was parenting another child just fine when I placed my daughter for adoption. My biggest wish I guess would be that sometimes people stop harping on the "why" of the situation once a birth moms decision is good and final. Even if you knew, you probably still wouldn't relate. Then there's a good chance that she'll never tell you or anybody the whole truth anyway. People still don't really know my reason's for placing my baby. I figure the only person who really needs to know will be my birth daughter, and I'll handle that when the time comes.

Just so you can get an idea, here are some other reasons that bmoms choose to place their kids that have nothing to do with money the lack of ability to parent.

-Health issues that they might not have told friends/family about yet

-Emotionl/mental struggles that they don't feel will be worked out enough in time to raise a baby

-Maybe a mom was just getting ready to start school or go back to work or something and they want to continue that plan verses raising another little one (and it's not always easy or possible to do both).

-Fear that another child is more than they can handle should there be a huge crisis (some moms are starting to worry about all sorts of things with our current political climate and drastic weather changes).

-Maybe they were raped (even by a boyfriend or husband) and they're afraid that she won't be able to love the child because of the way that they were conceived.

-Maybe a mom just doesn't like being a mom that much and wants this child to have a better life than she knows that they'll get by living with her. It's kind of tough, you don't really know how you'll be or do as a parent until you are one and then it's too late.

Obviously there can be a million other reasons. And I know that people are going to read the list above and think "well that's stupid" or "how selfish" or even "but you can still do that and raise a baby". Even if they're right, every mom has their own capabilities and knows their own limits. The crazy amounts of judgement does nothing to help the birth moms or the innocent babies that end up being placed for adoption.

I'm by no means any kind of expert or anything. But since placing my baby, I've started hanging out with a lot of other bmoms (online and in person). So I kind of get an insiders view to all of this. Also this wasn't only directed at you, so please don't feel like I'm lecturing you or something. You just had the same questions that I see asked time and time again. I hope this helps you some and good luck with everything.