another "strangle the MIL" thread

[mamatoady]

ok, I've about had it. What to do in this situation.

My dd was completely doted on by in-laws when she was the only grandchild. They bought things for her constantly (unnecessary, but nice) they spent one entire day a week with her every single week and she absolutely loved it.

Fast Forward, SIL and myself both have baby boys 2 weeks apart, about 9.5 months ago. Everything was fine until MIL started doing daycare for my nephew. Then, the visits with dd stopped, the only things they give to my ds was a just born package and 3-4 things that they gave him because they DIDN'T FIT my nephew (a good 4 pounds bigger than my son) and of course they were sure to tell me they were originally for my nephew.

And to top it all off, when we visit, they completely fawn all over nephew and talk about him incessently, even though we are right there. She even proclaimed while holding my nephew, "Yep, he's our little cutie, to be honest, we don't know what we'd do without him!"

I'm sorry, but why is it that my kids totally get the shaft now? My mother doesn't play favorites with any of her 7 grandkids...my dad and step-mom don't play favorites with their 10 grandkids.

I mostly feel bad for my daughter. I remember when we would go visit initially when nephew was being daycared and MIL wouldn't even put the kid down (in grandpas lap or wherever!) to give her a hug. At one point I even said, (as dd was starting hopefully at MIL for 5 minutes) I think dd would like a hug!

AARRGGGHHHH! I'm even considering moving 2 hours away just so I don't have to deal with it anymore and can be closer to either set of MY parents!

sarah

[firemommaof1]

Totally feel for you!!! No real advice but I would feel exactly the same way as you. Maybe its because its her daughters child?? You may love your in-laws but they will always be in-laws... believe me I know!
It is so unfair for grandparents to favor one child over the other for any reason. Your dd doesn't know anything different then the attention shes been getting and now that its taken away is just to sad. You should try to calmly express your emotions to your MIL without sounding jealous yourself. I don't think she'll admit to favoring her new grandson but it might draw attention to the situation and she'll try to give you dd some more of the attention she used to.
Family is so difficult sometimes!!! Hang in there...

[beansavi]

My mother in law is from Hell. She takes back presents to give to her step-granddaughter. What is wrong with people!

[ledzepplon]

Can I play devil's advocate for a sec? : It's normal that she would be more bonded to nephew if she cares for him all the time. And she's likely worn out from that, so she doesn't visit as often. Just a guess . . .

It still sucks that she isn't treating everyone fairly. Some people are just clueless. Maybe you could facilitate this--like ask if you could watch nephew and your son for a couple hours while she takes dd out for ice cream? And perhaps tell her that dd misses their special time together?

[Patchfire]

Some people - I just don't get. I was one of those suddenly abandoned kids. I had to grow up and put twenty years' distance between us before I felt I could really reconnect with that relative. I hate hate hate how people assume that kids won't realize or remember - they do.

Dd is about to get the shaft come June - my "evil" SIL is pregnant and it's already clear that that child will be muchly preferred by MIL. Of course, part of is also that SIL does things the "normal" way - i.e. no "crazy" homebirthing, circ "to prevent infection" and bascially everything that could possibly affirm MIL's childbearing & raising experience. So I do wonder sometimes how much of these things is a reaction to parenting styles and perceived slights via choosing different routes... but I know that doesn't explain all of it.

[rainyday]

Can your husband talk to her? I wouldn't want to say anything to my MIL about something like that directly, and I think she'd be more receptive if it were DH.

[mamatoady]

Originally Posted by ledzepplon

ask if you could watch nephew and your son for a couple hours while she takes dd out for ice cream?

OMG, I didn't even write about this! Nephew is pretty uncomfortable with anyone new--he takes major adjustment. Every time (not often) I saw him I'd keep my distance, but talk to him so he knew I liked him and could be trusted. Well, my own dd is shy and I know what helps is if she gets one-on0one time with the new person--that way no one is watching her (makes things worse), so I asked to hold him. MIL hands him over and says "OK, but it won't last for long"

so I take him and we go to the christmas tree and I jingle a little bell and softly sing jingle bells...he is doing good...we go over to the door and i shake those bells for him and sing again...he's doing fine....MIL comes over (to see how he's doing: ) and gets all up in his face and begs the question "are you ok?" so, of course he takes her tone and starts to cry...she wins and takes him back.

SOOOO FF to xmas, nephew is in the other room sleeping (b/c that's where baby's sleep: ) and I reach over to put my ds in exercauser and accidentally hit ds's head on a chair. I take him into the living room to comfort him and MIL proudly announces "SEE, MAYBE THAT'S WHY (nephew) DOESN'T LIKE YOU!"

WTF? I gave her the dirtiest look and I hope she was embarrassed, but she didn't say anything. So, frankly she doesn't even want him to form attachments with anyone but her...it's sick I think.

sarah
ETA: my dh is spineless when it comes to his parents. When I vent to him he just says "that was my life growing up."

[MsChatsAlot]

It is unfortunate, to say the least. Some people have difficulty being close to more than one child at a time.

Probably the fact that it's her daughter's child does have an impact. I also think that because she watches him all the time, she's bonded with him and gotten to know him in a more intense manner and she likely feels quite motherly towards him...where she feels a bit more detached from your children.

If you think she'd hear it....you could approach her with an "DD is really missing some of that special Grandma time. Is there some way we could schedule something?" I'd just be proactive with her.

It does suck when other people aren't equal with their time and attention to all their kids or grandkids or whatever. I've had my share of that in my family too, but it's really about them and their loss. If it's bothering my kids, I suggest ways for them to spend time together.

[Nanners]

If it is because your nephew is her daughter's child, I don't think that in ANY WAY makes any of this okay, at all. I'm living a similar situation right now w/ my MIL, and I feel horrible for your poor little girl... and my own poor little boy. :

Also? She can feel, deep down, however she likes, as long as she doesn't slight ANY of her grandchildren, or bestow affection unevenly, esp when they are all together. I mean, how hard is that, really? My sister and niece lived w/ my parents for my niece's first year, then right next door, whereas I live about 10 minutes away. Do they feel a bit "differently" about my niece than my sons? Possibly differently, but definitely not less. Also, you would never know it from seeing them all interact.

[oliversmum2000]

i would definitely put a big distance between yourselves and the in-laws, both emotionally and geographically. rejection like that can stay with a child a lifetime.

[hbmomof5]

I agree you should probably think about moving for several reasons. First I think it isnt healthy for you , your children, and it sounds think especially your husband to spend a lot of time around this woman.She is on a mission to steal your joy. People like that very rarely change and it seems shes been doing this for a long time(your husbands response).
Second it would be good for your kids to be closer to relatives that will show them that isnt the way normal people act when there is more than one child around.It sounds more like grade school crap(I've got one friend, i dont need you).
Third, everyone needs support when they are parenting not someone draining you emotionally. Even if you still have to put up with her occasionally it wont be as devestating.
Rainee

[mamatoady]

I have to especially thank those of you who support my thoughts of moving. I have mentioned it to friends before and they say things like "you're not going to let that woman drive you out are you?" etc.etc.

I talked to dh last night and he seems pretty in favor of moving to one of two towns south of us. One would be 45 min. from my dad and the other 45 min. from my mom--either one would also enable me to finish my degree, which I cannot do here without starting all over. another plus!

I think we should have a "strangle the in-law" smilie....who's with me????
sarah

[ewe+lamb]

My sis has the same sort of problem with her MIL, she LOVES and DOTES on my sis's first born, he gets everything imaginable anything he wants, it's always new etc., the other two get little second hand trinkets from the thrift shops!! I'm sure it'll all change when her MIL's DIL has her first baby with the favourite son - i.e. not my sis's dh!! They just don't have a clue. :

[KentuckyDoulaMama]

Put a stop to it ASAP. Dh needs to do it, clearly and firmly.

MIL playing favorites with the children within our own family almost cost dh & I our marriage.

[TinkerBelle]

Call her out on it. I mean really. This is affecting your child emotionally and otherwise. It is wrong.

I don't care if she does the daycare for DN. I don't care if she is more "bonded" to him. My own MIL has done daycare for grandchildren (not our kids) and does not appear to play favorites. If she can act decently for 30 or so grands and great-grands, then your MIL has NO excuse whatsoever.

If she doesn't grow up and act decently, then I would move and not give her another thought, another call, another anything. Let her have her wish.

Of course that might affect your daughter, but IMO it would be better to have her affected temporarily, than basically discarded and treated like second class by her grandma for life.

[mamatoady]

[QUOTE=TinkerBelle;7019415]

If she doesn't grow up and act decently, then I would move and not give her another thought, another call, another anything. Let her have her wish.

QUOTE]

I try not to be vindictive, but this sounds soooooo good. She doesn't respect anything we do parenting wise ("breastfeeding is gross", "not circumcising is unclean" etc.etc.) and of course SIL parents the SAME way (God help DN)....

I think if I brought anything up, it would just make matters worse, better to move and be "scarce".

I called her out in June for arguing with dh in front of dd when I went to a doctor appointment. I called her on the phone that night and gave her hell. Apparently she just berated my dh about his finances and he didn't stand up for himself or dd . She ended up coming and TAKING BACK A CHAIR THEY HAD GIVEN US 4 YEARS GO TO ROCK DD IN. They claimed they were going to have it reapholstered and were going to keep it....well, they kept it, it sits unappolstered and I had no rocking chair for my newborn for 3 months...nice, right?

Is this the in-law from hell or what? We need a new post.....ok, I'll go do it...look for it in a minute in this forum...."give your worst in-law story"
sarah

[TinkerBelle]

[QUOTE=mamatoady;7019774]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

If she doesn't grow up and act decently, then I would move and not give her another thought, another call, another anything. Let her have her wish.

QUOTE]

I try not to be vindictive, but this sounds soooooo good. She doesn't respect anything we do parenting wise ("breastfeeding is gross", "not circumcising is unclean" etc.etc.) and of course SIL parents the SAME way (God help DN)....

I think if I brought anything up, it would just make matters worse, better to move and be "scarce".

I called her out in June for arguing with dh in front of dd when I went to a doctor appointment. I called her on the phone that night and gave her hell. Apparently she just berated my dh about his finances and he didn't stand up for himself or dd . She ended up coming and TAKING BACK A CHAIR THEY HAD GIVEN US 4 YEARS GO TO ROCK DD IN. They claimed they were going to have it reapholstered and were going to keep it....well, they kept it, it sits unappolstered and I had no rocking chair for my newborn for 3 months...nice, right?

Is this the in-law from hell or what? We need a new post.....ok, I'll go do it...look for it in a minute in this forum...."give your worst in-law story"
sarah

Quite frankly, the chair incident would have been the deal-breaker for me.