More Teen Computer Woes - Page 2

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

We recently had an incident that cemented it for me. My dd had a friend spend the night. This friend just turned 12 and is in 6th grade. Dd is 10 1/2. They took dd's dog for a walk after dinner. They had a walkie talkie with them and a medium sized dog that is very protective of my dd. They were very responsible and headed for home when it started getting dark. They were gone about 20 or 30 min. The 12yo's mom saw them out and was PISSED that her dd was out without an adult. They were about 4 blocks away. See, that's what got me thinking. At first I felt bad... then I realized that it's not up to me to know what my dd's friend's are allowed to do. That's between her and her mother. If she knew her mother wouldn't want her out walking the dog, then she should have spoken up. I would have walked with them or had them wait until morning when I take my daily walk. I have no problem helping a child adhere to their parent's expectations, but it's up to the parents to make sure their child knows what those expectations are. This girl is probably now grounded from spending the night at other's ppl's houses because she did something her mom considered dangerous.

I guess each person has their own idea of having responsiblity for another person's child. My children know what is expected of them and what is allowed as well as what is not allowed. I have had my younger brother and my niece spend the night before, as well as, other nieces and nephew for the day. I make it a point to find out what is acceptable and what is not. It isn't fair to put it completely on my child or anyone else's.

Example....my daughter spent the night with my SIL/BIL a couple of summer's ago when she was eight years old. My SIL is very knowledgle as to what we allow and don't allow. My daughter was as well. The next morning my SIL had a class at a local YMCA. She went to class and told the kids (my daughter and her son - 7 yrs old) to walk around the building while she spent the hour in class. This is totally unacceptable to us and she was well aware it was something we don't allow our children to do. She didn't want to pay for the childcare room, so she just lets her son wander the building while she is in class. My daughter was not comfortable, but my SIL said she wasn't allowed in the class. She attempted to stay with my nephew, but he liked to try to loose her in the building. She finally sat outside the room where the class was being held until my SIL finished. Even though my daughter knows the rules, it isn't always something that she has the option of following when instructed by another adult who she is staying with.

Maybe your daughter's friend was not comfortable saying anything to you. Maybe she wanted to do it even though she knew it was wrong.

If a child is in my care, I make it a point to be as informed as I can be about the child.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by Houdini

Maybe your daughter's friend was not comfortable saying anything to you. Maybe she wanted to do it even though she knew it was wrong.

If a child is in my care, I make it a point to be as informed as I can be about the child.

I do understand, but I didn't realize her mom was even more cautious than I...and her daughter is 18 months older than mine. I told the girl that from now one she is to call her mom before she does anything at my house. And she did (same overnight date but early the next day) and mom gave her permission to walk with my dd to get ice-cream.....well apparently the girl was supposed to call her mom before she left and when she got back, but she forgot..... the mom was ticked at me that her dd didn't call. I'm sorry but I don't spy on phonecalls...that's between her and her dd. I really feel that if my dd is mature enough to speak up or call me when there's a prob, she's not mature enough to spend the night away from me. And so far so good. She's called when she had a question about something and spoken up when something that I wouldn't approve of came up. I don't expect her to be perfect, but I do expect her to at least attempt to use good judgement.

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

I really feel that if my dd is mature enough to speak up or call me when there's a prob, she's not mature enough to spend the night away from me.

I don't agree that it is a maturity issue. I think it is a comfort level issue. In our case, my daughter didn't feel comfortable going against my SIL who insisted she was fine to go off wandering unsupervised. Honestly, there really wasn't anywhere she could have gone or a phone she could have called me with. She did tell me as soon as she got home and I have never let her stay there since. My SIL completely went against our wishes b/c she feels we are too protective. It was completely wrong of her to put my daughter in the position she did and we stop the overnights until SIL feels she can respect our wishes.

[moondiapers]

I think your dd acted very maturely. She couldn't find a phone...and didn't feel comfy speaking up to a family member....so she waited right outside her aunt's class and told you what happened when she got home. She showed great judgement.

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

I think your dd acted very maturely. She couldn't find a phone...and didn't feel comfy speaking up to a family member....so she waited right outside her aunt's class and told you what happened when she got home. She showed great judgement.

Thank you. I just wish she hadn't been put in the position in the first place.

I was so ticked at my SIL for quite awhile for that incident. I just couldn't believe she thought it was alright for kids that young to be wandering around a building with no supervision. If I had known about her class, I would have sent money for the childcare room.

[smillerhouse]

My daughter wil be 14 in April. My space is a big social netwroking tool. This is creative expression to my duahgter and part of the indiviation process. I choose my battles. I don't want to be paralzed by fear. I check her home page every month or so. My limits are no sexually suggestive photos, no alcohol or drugs mentioned, no profanity. She does say she is 14. I also will not allow her to say she is on there for a serous realtinship or dating. She has a private list and I make sure I know who all the freinds are. We take the computer away at night. It is in our office and I check in frewunetly, like every ten minutes. I also make sure she has many,many, many other involvemnts. My daughter loves to listen to music and get new music often on I Tunes. For me, it is about having an open reladtionship with my daughter. She will tell me what they are dong at a frend's and I beleinve her. I know that parents that totally forbid access , as soon as they are around a computer,they go nuts. I have seen this in several instances. Today my dausghter plans to go over to some frends (male) and game for a few hours. Computers are interactive. I try to look at the positives while being aware and responsive. I will not let her go back on X-Box live.
Also, I have her taking a web design class. My daughter loves computers. My son, 16 is taking a game desgn class.
Guidance is necessry, in my opnion but being over controlling with my daughter at this age sets me up for major power sturggles. It works better when I choose my battles. Sallie

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by smillerhouse

I will not let her go back on X-Box live.

Guidance is necessry, in my opnion but being over controlling with my daughter at this age sets me up for major power sturggles. It works better when I choose my battles. Sallie

I don't know much about X-Box live, but I was under illusion it also had a set-up with friends and such.

I agree about the power struggles when being over-controlled.

[smillerhouse]

My issue with x-box live was the game she was playing on (Halo) there was so much violence,racism, lying,putdowns etc. At the time my duahgter was in a transtion. She was loookng for friends. X-Box live started out as an interactive thing for my older son who loves strategy games. It ended up for awhile with my dauhter addicted to this. My son has x-box live again as he just got a 360. I really beleive my dd would rather run around and play. Last night she was running around with the kids. Oh, that was another thing there seemed to be little to no parental guidance. She would want to be up in the middle of the night becasue that is when the kids were on. Sallie

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by smillerhouse

My issue with x-box live was the game she was playing on (Halo) there was so much violence,racism, lying,putdowns etc. At the time my duahgter was in a transtion. She was loookng for friends. X-Box live started out as an interactive thing for my older son who loves strategy games. It ended up for awhile with my dauhter addicted to this. My son has x-box live again as he just got a 360. I really beleive my dd would rather run around and play. Last night she was running around with the kids. Oh, that was another thing there seemed to be little to no parental guidance. She would want to be up in the middle of the night becasue that is when the kids were on. Sallie

Honestly, the X-Box would have the same restrictions at my house as does the computer/GameCube (we don't have x-box). My crew get one hour of game system time (comp./GC/GameBoy) on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Their time is contingent on their week at school. If they get in trouble at school they loose twelve minutes per day they were in trouble. My oldest son's time is contingent on signatures from teachers about homework (he was not bringing any home and receiving poor grades). We do give them extra time some, but that is our call.

[MillingNome]

Well, I guess whether or not you want to let your dc online, they none the less need to be told in no uncertain guidelines for staying safe online. I personally let dd have a myspace. If I didn't, I know she would do it behind my back. At least this way, I can see what she is up to. We did talk about personal info online and especially being careful of leaving plans of meeting up friends irl on myspace. That is left best to email, where only the president can read it.

[Jessy1019]

I'm going to agree with Unschoolnma . . . that's how we intend to handle things when our kids are older. I would let them start with myspace or livejournal whenever they asked to set one up.

I also don't think you should tell your daughter's friends' parents about their profiles. I know profanity and even some flirtatious stuff would be fine with me, and as a parent, I would be annoyed at the assumption that I wasn't keeping up with my own kids.