dad's birthday on monday

[LdyBluNH@aol]

i suspect some of the readers here will wonder why this is 'noteworthy' afterall my dad died in 1998.

january of 1998 my dad was *FINALLY* (after much screweing about by the doctors) diagnosed with cancer, but they couldnt find the primary site. a few weeks later i peed on a stick and it turned blue.

dh and i had been on the verge of separation so there was a lot for us to consider with this unexpected news. this was weighed against the fact that we didnt have a lot of time left to include my dad. if i was going to keep his first grandchild, he had to know about it soon.

the tears of joy on his face when he was told was a moment i will hold in my heart forever. it was one of those images that transcends all words.

in their continuing incompetence, the dr's told us that wtihout any treatment he's have four months; with treatment we could double that if not more.

well he did get treatment and he died three months later; about two weeks before my first ultrasound appointment, so he never actually saw the baby.

we had recorded the heartbeat while at the dr's office and put it on his computer. he played that for *every* single person that walked thru the door!!!!!

so here we are about to hit the four year anniversary and monday is his birthday. god i miss the hell out of dad!!

i also so regret that we never went camping/fishing. dad never asked for much and we just never did it for no reason at all.

[sunmountain]

{{{{{LdyBluNH@aol}}}}}

This sounds like a very trying time for everyone involved. I hope things have settled down for you and your dh, and that you can find the support you need. Can you go out and celebrate his birthday with some other family members? You know...to honor him in some way? Just a thought, and don't worry about it's "noteworthiness". I still miss my grandmother every Sunday, when I used to call her, she died in 1991, and never got to see my beautiful children, but I definately feel her presence sometimes and know that she knows them, somehow.

[Dr.Worm]

I am so very sorry for you! My dad died in 1994 and I miss him every day. I was 17. He also had cancer. I didn't get to even say goodbye but at least I told him I love him that morning before school, not knowing that would be the last time I'd see him alive. When Julia was born, I began to miss him more. I wish he was still here to see her. At least you can take comfort in the fact that your dad was happy and looking forward to seeing his grandchild. You brought him joy at the end of his life and that is the greatest thing you could have done. If you need to talk, you can pm me. Sometimes it is nice to talk to someone who really gets it.

[lisamarie]

You never, I think, get over the loss of a loved one. Anniverseries, birthdays and holidays can overwhem us with grief again. Especially when we "thought" we were doing just fine.

As others mentioned here, can you find a way to honor your feelings for your dad and honor his memory? We put a memorium in the paper on Christmas every year (my dh died 1/5). I also tell my ds stories about his dad & also made a small photo album of just pictures of him & his dad together. We do this to try to keep his memory alive.

Be gentle with yourself and your feeings. And know that we are here to listen.

Hugs~

Lisa

[Grasshopper]

My dad crossed over last May. He had pancreatic cancer. We found out on a Tuesday and he died 9 days later. I was more accepting of it than I thought I would be. I knew that the first year would be tough. The first Christmas, the first Father's Day, his first B-day going by (his was Jan. 3rd). But it was the next 40+ yrs AFTER the first year that I knew would be the toughest.

Heck, I can go one yr without him but how the he// do I go 40? KWIM? Of course you do.

One thing I like to do is send Dad a balloon on special occassions. I just buy one, take it out back and send it up to him. I tell him "Happy _______ " (insert holiday). It helps me to include him in the day. I try to do this with my little 3 yr old nephew who was his best buddy.

I think what has helped me more than anything is realizing that he is with me everyday. He sees everything and is aware of my daily life. He's not missing a thing. I used to like to show him things I made. I work as a furniture finisher and I was always glad to show him my work. Now when I'm at work and I've completed something I think is pretty nice looking, I say, "So, Dad, whattya think of that?"

Another thing that helps me is knowing that he is having a great time where he is and compared to life here, I'd rather he be there. I know I'll see him again, when it's the right time. He wants me to continue on doing my thing and not think of him or grieve for him.

A parent only wants their child to be happy. That doesn't change when the parent passes on.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[Happy Mom]

Hugs are sent to everyone who has replied.

Dr. Worm: I can relate. Today would have been my mother's birthday. She passed away on Easter morning (April 3) in 1994 (ovarian cancer). I was just 17 years old. One month later, on Mother's Day, I found out that I was pregnant. (Yes, an early age) However, my son Sebastian has brought us so much joy. I have enjoyed "growing with him" and still feel in my heart that he was a gift to me. He is my life.

I loved my mom before I could speak any words, now I love my mom more than words can speak.....

(Happy Birthday Mom, I love You!)

[lisamarie]

Happy Mom~

Thank you for sharing your mom's beautiful memory and life with us. Obviously she truly enriched your life~she must have been such a gentle soul here on this earth. Happy Birthday to Happy Mom's MOMMY.

Hugs to You~

Lisa

[Greaseball]

Happy birthday Harley

Well, Harley's birthday was on the 16th. He would have been 21. DH drove me to the lake where he died, but I don't think we'll make the drive again next year. It was snowing and the roads were covered with packed snow and we saw a few people slide off the road. It was scary. There was several feet of snow at the lodge when we got to the lake, and we didn't want to take DD out in a boat, so I just stayed on the shore and tossed stuff in the lake - birthday card with photos of dh and dd, a cheese-and-mustard sandwich, apple juice, a marshmallow chick, and some flowers. Then I collected some of the water in a little jar. We had to leave sooner than I wanted to because dd didn't like the snow flying in her face, but maybe we'll be able to go again in the summer.

Also I put an ad in the paper with a photo. It said "Happy birthday Harley, you're always my little brother. Be nice to Fluffy. (My cat that died a year or so before Harley.) But the editor for some reason put quotes around Harley's name! I don't know why. So I will try to get my money back. I paid $85 for that ad space; they could have at least done it right. But the photo looked good, at least.

So it was OK, I guess. Although I didn't feel this wonderful sense of serenity and peace or anything like that.

[Len]

I have a story to share…

When I was born, my dad was 68 years old; he lived to be 90 and I was 22. Ever since he died I had a secret wish to have a child for what would have been his 100th birthday anniversary, 1999, and I did! Now for the story: On my dad's 100th birthday, Dec. 28/99, we were eating at a restaurant with DS, back then 5 months old, and suddenly and out of nowhere there's this old man at the window, waving and smiling at the baby; he reminded me of my dear father for the way he was dressed and his general looks and then he went away. A few minutes later, though, this man came into the restaurant, and approached our table, started to talk and sing to my DS and he (the baby) was happy and smiling back. He spent a few minutes holding the baby and talking to him about how life is good and how he's going to have a good life, etc. Before leaving, he gave DS a box of chocolates that he said he had brought for a date but wanted to give them to him instead. Everyone else at our table only thought it was fun, but I am positive somehow my father's spirit came and met with his grandchild on this very special day.
Thanks for letting me share, my keyboard is wet with tears now… time to go

[lisamarie]

Greaseball~

Good to hear from you. I know you had alot of deep feelings with his b-day approaching. It sounds like you really honored your brother and your feelings.

Len~Your story gave me a morning smile and tingles. Thank you for sharing!

Hugs~

Lisa