Mother issues with homebirth

[BrownEyed]

Well I'm only 13 weeks right now but for years I've known that I wanted a home birth. It took a lot of convincing for my DH but he's on board right now and loves our midwife so much and they get along really well, so it's great to have him on my side. My DH was born in a homebirth as were his 5 other siblings so the in-laws love the idea.

Unfortunately my mom is absolutely against the idea. She says that she's worried and that I must give birth in a hospital and it upsets me. She goes on and on about how horrible it was to have us in the hospital and then says that's what I have to do. She doesn't think that homebirths are safe and thinks I'm crazy for even suggesting it. I try to reassure her that the only way I will procede is if everything is totally normal and I would never go against the wishes of my midwife, but at this time she won't hear any of it. Both me and my sister were high risk, so her concerns have a place, but so far(knock on wood) things couldn't be more perfect. I just keep telling her that this is a plan and there is no way this could be definite but she just yells at me.

This is my first pregnancy and I just wish my mother supported my wishes and it makes it 10 times harder when she's not on my side.

Any help or resources that could help to convince her would be great. Personal stories would be great as well with things like this. I'm about to pull my hair out and not even talk to her about the baby anymore.

[chaoticzenmom]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Ina May Gaskin's "Guide to Natural Childbirth" was wonderful for me. I'd read it and then let your mother read it. It's important for you to get her words out of your mind when you go into labor. You need to be able to relax. I'm not sure I would even let her near me during the weeks leading up to and during the birth if she's going to give you negative vibes.

It's awesome that you are so confident with your first birth...not many mom's have that confidence until the 2nd or later pregnancy.

Lisa
(mom to 3 wonderful children)

[SharonAnne]

I had a homebirth with my first (and plan on having homebirths with any subsequent children I'm lucky enough to have ) My mom was also TOTALLY against the idea of homebirth in the beginning.

Then, one day out of nowhere, she says to me, "Well, I think you're making a mistake, but if you want me there, I'll come."

Um. No. I never said anything about you being there. :

Anyway, she was eventually on board with the homebirth decision. Two things that helped; she started watching those maternity shows on TLC and Discovery channel, and saw what hospital birth is like these days (she had the world's most gentle ob, who was TOTALLY non-evasive. She assumed all ob's were that way. BWAHAHAHA) and she came with me to a few midwife appointments, and realized that my midwives were not weirdos, but were certified nurses and total professionals.

My midwife also helped my mother realize why we shouldn't circ our baby had it been a boy. It was a girl, so moot point, but still.

I find, with my mom, anyway, that "authority" figures go a long way. Once she regarded my midwives as professionals, and thus, "authorities" she had no problem listening to anything and everything they recommended.

She was still pissed off that I didn't let her be at the birth, though :

[BrownEyed]

Thank you! I think the reason it's so hard for me right now is because my mom and I are extremely close. I've been talking to my sister as well(who has battled infertility for 10 years and has no children) that the reason my mom may be so scared is because she has been so close to grandchildren many times and just doesn't want anything to go wrong.

I just think it's so ironic since my mom's favorite show is House of Babies on Discovery health. I may be willing to compromise in the future on having a birth center birth(as my midwife is part of one and only of my own choice) but I just wish my mom understood.

I will be picking up that book that was suggested!

[chantald]

We decidd late in this pregnancy to homebirth.. My mother's reaction was less than stellar.. She told me she hoped DH had good life insurance for me so my surving children could be well cared for.. and guess we only wanted 2 children anway..

nice huh..

She won't listen to any facts, refuses to read any info and is adamant that a hospital is the safest place (as is a ERCS)

My mom and I are also close, although this has really put a strain on our relationship.. It is really upsetting, but it isn't changing my mind. It did help me realize that she is NOT attending this birth..she will get a call when all is said and done..

For me, the best way to deal with this is to not speak about it with her.. She tries to bring birth things up and I say, nicely "mom.. I'm not speaking about thsi with you.. you have made your feelings on this perfectly clear and I've nothing more to say" and then I move to a more neutral topic.

It is hard.. when you don't have the support from those who are close to you. You need to surround yourself with support..


My MW offered to have my mom come over for some apps and to speak with her.. I decided it wasn't worth the stress for me.. Maybe something like that would help in your case..




Chantal

eta: You may also want to read or have her read Gentle Birth Choices... It outlines the different birthing options..and may help her see how they compare..

[Gray's Mommy]

Originally Posted by BrownEyed

I may be willing to compromise in the future on having a birth center birth(as my midwife is part of one and only of my own choice) but I just wish my mom understood.

I will be picking up that book that was suggested!

I think that this is your birth & you need to do it how YOU & DH want to do it. Your mom is a very important person in your life, but you shouldn't have to compromise because SHE is uncomfortable with where you want to birth.

[momto l&a]

There are some people who just shouldn't know about plans to hb. IMO

SO IMO who cares what she thinks, do what you feel led to do.

[BrownEyed]

I think I'm just not going to talk about it with her for awhile, until the actual birth gets closer at least. The tension isn't good for anyone. I will bring her to my next appt just to show her that my MW is competent and knows what she's doing.

[Funny Face]

Just wanted to tell you I know how that feels.. sucky. I didn't plan a homebirth with dd but when I told my mother and family about going natural they laughed at me. They didn't support any of my choices and kept calling me 'eccentric' and thought I was doing it all for attention... then they wanted to attend the birth! Eventually after I made my Mom read some books on the subject (I told her it was mandatory if she wanted to be within 100 feet of me during labor) she came around. Unfortunately I think my families early doubts really affected me in labor and when they were saying "You can do it!" I didn't believe them, I kept thinking "You didn't think so!"

I'm hbing this time and I just couldn't see not telling people or lying to family about it, even if they don't agree.


I would suggest that if you want your mom on board or if you want her at the birth find some simple books on homebirthing with some good research in them. I tried to pick ones that weren't as emotional or 'out there' but rather ones that seemed to have the intent of educating a more 'mainstream' reader.

Good luck, Mama, I'm sorry things are rough right now!

[appleseed]

Yeah, BTDT here, too. I know how crappy it feels- I too am really close to my mom and her opinion means a lot to me- but I have to do what's best for MY family, and if she can't handle it, she doesn't have to be a part of it- when I told her she could either listen to me, suck it up and deal or not be involved, she came around pretty quick, even though she still tells me I'm weird I refuse to listen to horror stories or negativity, though, and my family has learned that if they aren't going to be positive or at least supportive, they get shut out... be firm, 'educate' if you must, but never let go of the goal you've set for YOU and your baby due to someone else's warped opinions.

Good luck mama!

[koru]

someone here posted a great thread with a short story called "no road to alpha" and it is really amazing! it's an analogy about homebirth & maybe you can start off by passing this your moms' way....(it's really long but worth it).

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ighlight=alpha

best of luck. you're really making the right decision!

[urbangoddess]

I just wanted to reply that we are NOT even telling my mother about our homebirth (which will be any day now) She was here yesterday for my dd's 2nd b-day and all of my friends got the am call of DO NOT mention our birth plans to my mom. I'm actually fairly close with my mom which is why I just know this was the decision we needed to make, when she asked where we were going to have this baby I simply replied a birth center, I figure when I'm in labor my livingroom will indeed be a center of birth. She asked the same one with dd? No a different one I replied. Anyhow, I'm just getting at as much as I love my mom, she would be incapable of sitting back and supporting our choice, she in fact would be a huge negative force, with power to potentially stall my labor, so as we are leaving it now, when I'm actively pushing, my dh will make the phone call, (she's about an hour away) and WHO can be a big neggy web when they arrive to a beautiful wiggly fresh new baby, and who will care at that point! So I'm sorry for what your going through I can totally feel you in an alternate reality where our well laid and protected plans have leeked.
Erykah

[Baby Hopes]

We withheld our homebirth plans from my ILs until the very last moment. I told myself I would never lie, but that I would also never volunteer information. When questioned I always referred to my midwife as our "care providor" etc...

However, had it been my Mom who was not onboard with my plans I would have handled it differently. Partially because of how close I am to my mother and partially because of how close (proximaty) we live from each other. In fact, at the time we were temporarily living WITH my parents.

My suggestion would be to sit down and have a frank conversation with your mom. Provide her with materials and resources for education, make it clear that you will be happy to talk to her about any reasonable fears she is having and then establish some firm boundaries.

"Mom, we are excited about this birth and want to include you in our plans. Dh and I have researched our options and we will be having a homebirth. I'll be happy to answer any questions you may have regarding the homebirth process, but after today I cannot tolerate any negative attitudes towards our birth choices. In order to continue to have you as an intergral part of this pregancy I need to know that you will support the decisions that Dh and I have made. If that's too much for you right now, then that's okay. It just means that I will not be able to discuss birth related topics with you.

It's just too important to this birth that I not allow doubt, negativity, and pessimism into the process.

I know you love me and that you care for the well being of both myself and this baby. This is why I am coming to you directly. I want you to know that I am aware of your reservations. I want to provide you with as much information you need to really educate yourself and feel comfortable with our choices. However, in the end this is a decision that is not yours to make. I cannot compromise the safety and health of this baby just so that you won't be uncomfortable. I know you wouldn't expect me to do that either.

If you don't think you can be on board with this birth, I will accept your decision. Please know that at any point, if you decide to change your mind, Dh and I will be excited to share with you the details of our plans."

[umami_mommy]

i wish i had a dollar for evertime i have written this in the past 5 years....

at some point you have to separate what you feel about your birth and what others feel about homebirth. and then you have to set a really firm boundary. i mean really fimr, if you waver one little bit it can go badly.

you have to say something like, "it's really important that i have only positive energy around me right now. how about you do some poking around into some real research, and after you have read a bunch of what is out there, then we can talk about it again, eh? until then, i think that maybe we need to not talk about this."

i hear you about the closeness thing, but sometimes what a birthing woman needs from her mom is a little space... since this is about you becoming a mom, not about her, and some moms have a really hard time letting go of their grown daughter's birthing experiences.

[habibekindheart]

It can be SO HARD when your mom isn't supportive during pregnancy, particularly for your first.

My mother rarely supports any of my decisions, and sometimes she only supports them after the fact or because I've drawn the line at what I'll allow her to control.

She wasn't worried about something happening to me at the birth so much as something happening to the baby, and 'what people would think.' That cracked me up...what will people THINK???

So I'd call her up and say "Yeah...we're all set for when I'm going to be delivering in the living room like a savage, we're excited!"

When she saw that we all came through better than okay for the first time (my 6th child was my first homebirth) and how completely homebirth changed my views on birth and parenting, it really floored her. I wouldn't say she supports homebirth now, but I don't hear a single negative word about it.

I should probably post my birth story with her...it's 4 years old but it might help someone

[umami_mommy]

all my mom asked me was "is this as safe as a hospital birth?" i told her not to worry, my mw carried O2 and drugs and if there was a problem the ER was 3 minutes from my house.

okay she said "i just don't want anything bad happening becuase you have to be different than everyone else." (uh, thanks mom, i think) then i said, "what do you think, i'm the mw's only client? there are others who choose this too, just becuase you haven't heard anything about it doesn't mean it doesn't happen every day." (i remind her a friend of mine she knows has had 4 homebirths too)

good point she conceedes and never says another word. and no i did not have her there. which was fine for both of us.

sometimes you don't need a huge thing about stats and research and conflict, just a little reassurance can go a long way. sometimes.

[habibekindheart]

I had to explain to my hypochondriac grandmother that I was having a UC. She may have been used to me and my 'crazy ideas', but she was still scared.

The clincher though was her saying 'What if something goes wrong?' With no hesitation I said 'The hospital is 10 minutes from here and they have one of the best NICUs in the world.'

'Oh', she said. 'I guess you have a point.'

Homebirth doesn't mean you can't go to a hospital if something goes wrong...it just means that you're not anticipating anything will go wrong without you or your midwife knowing about it and making responsible decisions.

It is possible to make responsible decisions in childbirth without having a medical degree. That's what gets people

[umami_mommy]

Originally Posted by habibekindheart

It is possible to make responsible decisions in childbirth without having a medical degree. That's what gets people

yeah, my mom is from the "doctors are gods" era too (though less so now that she has seen firsthand how dead wrong they can be).

but my mom never had a baby (i'm adopted) she has never even been pregnant, so she really didn't have a clue.

then her cousin's daughter was butchered at her birth in boston and my mom found out first hand what the *hell* i was talking about. it was a horrendous birthrape, and my mom's eyes were finally opened.

[ColoradoMama]

How about giving your mom info or books like others suggested, and then tell her flat out, "After you've done your research, I'd be glad to discuss it then. I'm not willing to argue with you when you don't know the facts."

[laohaire]

Though it worked out great, I was totally stupid when I announced my plans to my mother. I actually didn't even consider how she would react. And my mom is a nurse! I don't know what I was thinking...

Anyway, I guess I was thinking I knew my mom, and though we'd never discussed home birth even as an abstraction she totally supported me, and in fact attended the birth and was a very helpful and supportive presence.

If she hadn't been supportive, I'm pretty sure I would have lied and told her I changed my mind. And then just had the birth my way. Birthing is too important of an experience to have someone else ruin it for you, for their own selfish intents. I'd lie without reservation, and never feel a smudge of guilt for it. I would do it to protect my baby from the stress during pregnancy, and from the risks of a reserved and fearful labor.