Hi all,
This is turning me into a basket case. My 3.5 year old DS and I have 1:1 playdates three times/week (for two hours), when his baby sister is with a babysitter. In those moments, I am amazed at how obvious it is to me that my son is just a little boy, a precious boy who is gentle, loving, engaged, needing-his-Mama, curious, etc. Too, I can really "see" those aspects of my son when his sister is napping, which is for longer stretches these days, thank goodness. I absolutely adore my son. Truly.
And yet, when I am with both my DS and my daughter -- which is a lot of the time -- I feel like I undo all of the positive, present, warm, engaged moments that I have with my son because I'm so filled with anxiety about how he engages her and how much I cannot be fully "there" for either of them. I myself struggle to know how much attention my DD needs in a given moment (I was very engaged, on-the-ground-playing-with-my-baby with DS and feel lots of guilt that I can't do that as easily with my DD) and I know that DS picks up on those feelings of anxiety and distraction.
I KNOW that when I'm less "involved" in their interaction as I cook or clean or, god forbid read the newspaper, they do better. In these moments, they can spend lots of time just doing their own thing -- playing with blocks, my DD at her leapfrog table, DS playing cars, etc. I know it, but still feel like I'm neglecting my daughter if I don't play with her in those moments -- like, all of the time I'm with both of them, she doesn't get my attention? And is the solution to their issues resolved by my not playing with them, not being the vied-for-third person in the play? That goes against all of my other instincts, which are to play with my kids, etc.
And I KNOW he is struggling with intense feelings -- if I am, man, I'm certain he is -- jealousy, wanting a space that is free from the baby ... etc. I try so hard to help DS give voice to those feelings, to validate them, to give him space to tell me he doesn't want the baby around, wants his special toys protected. I do all of those things -- and honestly, those come pretty naturally, to me. The validating of feelings, the protecting of his toys, etc.
BUT ... and here's the big rub: I am totally inconsistent about how to handle his borderline physical aggression towards DD. I say "borderline" because sometimes she doesn't actually get hurt, but he does things to her face, grabs toys aggressively from her, pulls her body parts, roars in her face, etc. that make me so anxious that she will get hurt, that violate her bodily integrity -- and it is clear that he is doing those things to express those complex feelings (he has clenched teeth, looking fierce when he does them). Here are the range of inconsistent things I do and I'd love feed-back on them all -- and then, I need some real help in developing consistency. I really hate how my image of my DS transforms from the loving little boy in need of grown-up help into an aggressive "danger-zone" for my DD. It is so unfair to him.
1. Sometimes, I am able to respond matter-of-factly to the actions and separate them a bit. In those moments, I'm able to say, "we don't play with faces, Sweetie. Gentle." Or, "when she starts to complain, you need to stop, Sweetie" or "maybe what you are trying to tell me is that you want space or want me to play with you?" And then I try to give him space or play. I VERY MUCH AGREE with Naomi Alport's position on sibling aggression ... I just wish I could act on it more and at the same time, wish it didn't mean not paying attention to my baby in those moments of aggression.
2. But other times ... I just can't get there. I will say "Elijah" with an annoyed or shaming voice and remove him to take a break and pay attention to DD. I tell him that he can come back as soon as he can be gentle ... which means he is up within 10 seconds saying, "I'm ready." And then he does it again, very soon thereafter.
3. Still, other times, on the theory that he may feel guilt and needs to know that he can "fix" whatever has happened and so that he doesn't carry unresolved guilt (this is when he has actually hurt DD). I've tried to enlist him in thinking about things he can do to "fix" it and have tried to permit that to happen "when he is ready" -- but in practice, it has become a meaningless, ritualized (preschool inculcated?) "I'm sorry." I don't know how to make the "fixing" feel real to him -- is he too young for that?
4. Finally, still other times, I become a monster. Like today, when DH was gone, when we were all lying down and I was nursing DD on one side and reading a story to DS in my other arms before quiet time (yes, I do allow him to pretend nurse, by the way). DS wouldn't settle down and repeatedly got up onto my body to mess with DD's face. After asking him several times to stop it -- with as much patience as I could muster even though I've been down this road so often -- I forcefully insert my one free hand between them and push DS off my body, out of her face and back into his "space" on the bed. I hated doing it -- felt immediately like it was wrong, sent the opposite message I'm trying to send and yet, I've done it before. It is so impulsive - the only way I can quickly prevent DD from waking up and because I have only one hand, since DD is nursing. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
One thing you should know: we have a one-bedroom apartment in which we all use one family bed to sleep; DS doesn't like sleeping in his own toddler bed that is right next to ours; DD naps in the family bed. Often, I am able to space their naps so that they aren't needing the bed at the same time. But that isn't always possible ... like today, they both clearly needed a nap and if I put DS down first, there would be nobody to watch DD; and if I put DD down first, he'd wake her up when I brought him in to nap. At the time, it felt necessary to put them both down at once.
So ... there are my inconsistencies. And I have questions, too:
1) If your older child grabs a toy from DD, do you make them give it back? Or do you just continually reinforce the proper way to take a toy and to have older child find a replacement?
2) If your older child is playing roughly but your younger child doesn't seem to object (no crying or whimpering or efforts to get to me), do you let it go? e.g. -- DS pushing cheese against DD's face so that it rubs onto her? Or his sunglasses?
3) At what point do you actually articulate the feelings that you think your older child is expressing? In the moment? Afterwards, in calm times? MY DS is VERY verbal, but I think that even though he knows words, the emotions are still very hard to handle and sometimes, I worry that I'm over-talking things or over-analyzing them. Like a pressure cooker for him, KWIM?
Becca
This is turning me into a basket case. My 3.5 year old DS and I have 1:1 playdates three times/week (for two hours), when his baby sister is with a babysitter. In those moments, I am amazed at how obvious it is to me that my son is just a little boy, a precious boy who is gentle, loving, engaged, needing-his-Mama, curious, etc. Too, I can really "see" those aspects of my son when his sister is napping, which is for longer stretches these days, thank goodness. I absolutely adore my son. Truly.
And yet, when I am with both my DS and my daughter -- which is a lot of the time -- I feel like I undo all of the positive, present, warm, engaged moments that I have with my son because I'm so filled with anxiety about how he engages her and how much I cannot be fully "there" for either of them. I myself struggle to know how much attention my DD needs in a given moment (I was very engaged, on-the-ground-playing-with-my-baby with DS and feel lots of guilt that I can't do that as easily with my DD) and I know that DS picks up on those feelings of anxiety and distraction.
I KNOW that when I'm less "involved" in their interaction as I cook or clean or, god forbid read the newspaper, they do better. In these moments, they can spend lots of time just doing their own thing -- playing with blocks, my DD at her leapfrog table, DS playing cars, etc. I know it, but still feel like I'm neglecting my daughter if I don't play with her in those moments -- like, all of the time I'm with both of them, she doesn't get my attention? And is the solution to their issues resolved by my not playing with them, not being the vied-for-third person in the play? That goes against all of my other instincts, which are to play with my kids, etc.
And I KNOW he is struggling with intense feelings -- if I am, man, I'm certain he is -- jealousy, wanting a space that is free from the baby ... etc. I try so hard to help DS give voice to those feelings, to validate them, to give him space to tell me he doesn't want the baby around, wants his special toys protected. I do all of those things -- and honestly, those come pretty naturally, to me. The validating of feelings, the protecting of his toys, etc.
BUT ... and here's the big rub: I am totally inconsistent about how to handle his borderline physical aggression towards DD. I say "borderline" because sometimes she doesn't actually get hurt, but he does things to her face, grabs toys aggressively from her, pulls her body parts, roars in her face, etc. that make me so anxious that she will get hurt, that violate her bodily integrity -- and it is clear that he is doing those things to express those complex feelings (he has clenched teeth, looking fierce when he does them). Here are the range of inconsistent things I do and I'd love feed-back on them all -- and then, I need some real help in developing consistency. I really hate how my image of my DS transforms from the loving little boy in need of grown-up help into an aggressive "danger-zone" for my DD. It is so unfair to him.
1. Sometimes, I am able to respond matter-of-factly to the actions and separate them a bit. In those moments, I'm able to say, "we don't play with faces, Sweetie. Gentle." Or, "when she starts to complain, you need to stop, Sweetie" or "maybe what you are trying to tell me is that you want space or want me to play with you?" And then I try to give him space or play. I VERY MUCH AGREE with Naomi Alport's position on sibling aggression ... I just wish I could act on it more and at the same time, wish it didn't mean not paying attention to my baby in those moments of aggression.
2. But other times ... I just can't get there. I will say "Elijah" with an annoyed or shaming voice and remove him to take a break and pay attention to DD. I tell him that he can come back as soon as he can be gentle ... which means he is up within 10 seconds saying, "I'm ready." And then he does it again, very soon thereafter.
3. Still, other times, on the theory that he may feel guilt and needs to know that he can "fix" whatever has happened and so that he doesn't carry unresolved guilt (this is when he has actually hurt DD). I've tried to enlist him in thinking about things he can do to "fix" it and have tried to permit that to happen "when he is ready" -- but in practice, it has become a meaningless, ritualized (preschool inculcated?) "I'm sorry." I don't know how to make the "fixing" feel real to him -- is he too young for that?
4. Finally, still other times, I become a monster. Like today, when DH was gone, when we were all lying down and I was nursing DD on one side and reading a story to DS in my other arms before quiet time (yes, I do allow him to pretend nurse, by the way). DS wouldn't settle down and repeatedly got up onto my body to mess with DD's face. After asking him several times to stop it -- with as much patience as I could muster even though I've been down this road so often -- I forcefully insert my one free hand between them and push DS off my body, out of her face and back into his "space" on the bed. I hated doing it -- felt immediately like it was wrong, sent the opposite message I'm trying to send and yet, I've done it before. It is so impulsive - the only way I can quickly prevent DD from waking up and because I have only one hand, since DD is nursing. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
One thing you should know: we have a one-bedroom apartment in which we all use one family bed to sleep; DS doesn't like sleeping in his own toddler bed that is right next to ours; DD naps in the family bed. Often, I am able to space their naps so that they aren't needing the bed at the same time. But that isn't always possible ... like today, they both clearly needed a nap and if I put DS down first, there would be nobody to watch DD; and if I put DD down first, he'd wake her up when I brought him in to nap. At the time, it felt necessary to put them both down at once.
So ... there are my inconsistencies. And I have questions, too:
1) If your older child grabs a toy from DD, do you make them give it back? Or do you just continually reinforce the proper way to take a toy and to have older child find a replacement?
2) If your older child is playing roughly but your younger child doesn't seem to object (no crying or whimpering or efforts to get to me), do you let it go? e.g. -- DS pushing cheese against DD's face so that it rubs onto her? Or his sunglasses?
3) At what point do you actually articulate the feelings that you think your older child is expressing? In the moment? Afterwards, in calm times? MY DS is VERY verbal, but I think that even though he knows words, the emotions are still very hard to handle and sometimes, I worry that I'm over-talking things or over-analyzing them. Like a pressure cooker for him, KWIM?
Becca
, you read "Our Babies, Our Selves" which talks about cultural differences in child rearing and how our desire to entertain, interact, etc. with our children is very much an artifact of our society and culture. Whether it's necessary for the child is very much up for debate. The one-on-one pair of mother and child is a relatively new invention of the 20th century. Most children don't get that (they have a set of caregivers, of which mom is one, especially after infancy).
: were when he deliberately his sister (pushed her down a stairs, for example)). The way around this is to respond before it gets out of hand.
: I am having very similar trouble. I do think that alot of mine is PPD, SAD, or Bipolar (all of which I have been diagnosed with and treated for in the past) I have np real advice, but I want to give you hugs, and I will be watching this thread
