guideline ideas for troubled 17 yo moving in

[boobybunny]

We (I) have a 17 year old "other" daughter who has blown up out of her mother's very unstable home and has asked to come live with me. She has been in 13 high schools in three years, because her mom has been that unstable and irresponsible. She is currently living in a place where my other daughter is supposed to be in school, but there is no bus going out there, and her natural mother is unable to get up and take her to school in the AM.

This is a child who's natural mother will buy her pot, and smoke it with her, gives her booze, and drinks it with her. And the kicker for me (not sure why) Her mom buys her cigarettes....: The others I guess my though is if you are going to do those things... I want you to be safe. (or at least as safe as possible) But I have not had to deal with those issues... and we do not smoke anything in this house, and have not for years.


The first set of ground rules I laid out was... no smoking, no drinking, and as long as you are going to school... you have a home with us. So dating, I know she is no virgin, and is not currently using birth control. (she really wants a family of her own) I think birth control is VERY important at this age. Her older sister is now pregnant.

We live in a college town, with a population of about 150K people... this child is used to living in the sticks, where there might be a small grocery store. So a bus pass, and a cell phone, full use of my bicycle, what else? We will be working on getting her DL and as she already rides motorcycles, we though we would try to get her a small motor bike or scooter type thing.

And this came from my husband, who has only met her a few times.... He wants us to adopt her when she turns 18. He thinks that formally acknowledging her existence in our (my) lives will help her in the future.

[grisandole]

I don't have much time to post, but I want to offer my support I think the no drinking/no smoking rule is great, and IMO you need to have a birth control talk and make sure that she is being responsible. Make sure she understands all of her options, and unitl she decides what she wants to use, provide her with condoms as well as foams/film/etc., and make sure she knows how to use them.

[Mama Dragon]

Sounds like you have smoked pot in the past and don't have much of a problem with it, my adivce would be, since she is close to being of age anyway, is to make the rule, none in your house. And ask her not to do them at all. This of course can backfire, but so can saying none at all. I think by 17, where she's already experienced those things, she needs to be respecting your home, but she's almost an "adult" by society's standards. She'll be able to buy cigarettes on her own soon, and in a few years, alcohol. Just my thoughts on that.

Don't make her take hormonal birth control. It can seriously backfire and make her be more irresponsible. Plus all the nasty side effects and if she's moking, it's dangerous. Give her a variety of condoms and insist every partner uses them every time.

I think the bus pass and DL and cell phone ideas are great! Sounds like you are giving her a decent mix of freedom and safety and I hope she does well with it. Your DH's idea is very sweet!

[teachermom]

I think that you and dh need to also talk seriously about how you will deal with it when she breaks every one of your rules. it is likely to happen if onely because she needs to prove to herself that you will love and accept her after seh pisses you off as much as she can.
I think overall your rules are good and fair....I'm just not sure how realistic they are given that she has had so much freedom thus far and is almost of age.

[pranamama]

I'll be following along

[boobybunny]

That is just it... not that she will know this until she breaks them all, but the only rule she could break and not be free to live in our home is the no school thing. Then she will be welcome, but she will have to pay 200 a month in rent. (the same rules as when we were growing up and over 18, same rules as the other children will have)

One of the things we have already done... a cell phone, an Ipod, a lap-top, There is no incentive to stay on the right tracks if you have nothing. The use of these will be a contract thing... with the payment in full being her high school diploma... and the knowledge that they are MINE, with her being able to use them until then. (kinda a lease to own thing) The day she has her credits and work done, they are all hers.

She is almost of age, that is true, but she is also an ADD kid, with a mom who has been an abuser of too many drugs to be stable. So her emotional IQ is fairly low at this time.

Yes, both my husband and I par took in the herbals while in school, and even for a few years after... but since I have had my oldest... I have only smoked twice in the ten years. We live in Eugene, and I am not so naive as to think kids don't do this, or don't have access to it here.

We have talked about the smoking of cigarettes, and she knows I am VERY against that one, and she has not smoked around us, or brought cigs to our home for visits. (she does not want her younger brother and sister finding out she smokes, even though they do "know" she does) She says she does this out of respect for me. (I really HATE cigarettes.)


I guess I want to help her make adult decisions, and help her with those decisions, and NOT be detrimental to her ability to succeed.

Condoms... we have a jelly jar full of them on my kitchen shelf.... but i will go out and get some foam and the like. I taught her how to roll condoms on a banana when she was 12... kinda young, so she knows the sex rules with us.

My MIL has a 40 acre property, with a garden that needs to be worked in, prepped for the growing season, they logged their property last fall, and there is lots of "work" that my other daughter will be able to do for 10.00 an hour. A good friend owns a wake boarding school... and has said that my girl can come clean the boat after lessons. We wake board and have a boat as well... so that would be a good tie in with our family activities.

[teachermom]

sounds like you have a good plan in place. I wasn't trying to be discouraging just wanting you to be prepared. I hope everything goes smoothly.

[pranamama]

if an extra car showed up, what would be your reasoning on a drivers license and insurance? I like what I've read so far

[Mama Dragon]

That sounds excellent!

Originally Posted by boobybunny

That is just it... not that she will know this until she breaks them all, but the only rule she could break and not be free to live in our home is the no school thing. Then she will be welcome, but she will have to pay 200 a month in rent. (the same rules as when we were growing up and over 18, same rules as the other children will have)

One of the things we have already done... a cell phone, an Ipod, a lap-top, There is no incentive to stay on the right tracks if you have nothing. The use of these will be a contract thing... with the payment in full being her high school diploma... and the knowledge that they are MINE, with her being able to use them until then. (kinda a lease to own thing) The day she has her credits and work done, they are all hers.

She is almost of age, that is true, but she is also an ADD kid, with a mom who has been an abuser of too many drugs to be stable. So her emotional IQ is fairly low at this time.

Yes, both my husband and I par took in the herbals while in school, and even for a few years after... but since I have had my oldest... I have only smoked twice in the ten years. We live in Eugene, and I am not so naive as to think kids don't do this, or don't have access to it here.

We have talked about the smoking of cigarettes, and she knows I am VERY against that one, and she has not smoked around us, or brought cigs to our home for visits. (she does not want her younger brother and sister finding out she smokes, even though they do "know" she does) She says she does this out of respect for me. (I really HATE cigarettes.)


I guess I want to help her make adult decisions, and help her with those decisions, and NOT be detrimental to her ability to succeed.

Condoms... we have a jelly jar full of them on my kitchen shelf.... but i will go out and get some foam and the like. I taught her how to roll condoms on a banana when she was 12... kinda young, so she knows the sex rules with us.

My MIL has a 40 acre property, with a garden that needs to be worked in, prepped for the growing season, they logged their property last fall, and there is lots of "work" that my other daughter will be able to do for 10.00 an hour. A good friend owns a wake boarding school... and has said that my girl can come clean the boat after lessons. We wake board and have a boat as well... so that would be a good tie in with our family activities.

[PiePie]

i would get her health, dental, and psych screenings asap to see if there are any issues there you can get professional help with. the sooner you know, the better.

also definitely get her records from her old schools -- to establish continuity, make sure she is placed in the right place, and talents (or areas for improvement) identified earlier aren't lost in the shuffle.

i would x-post on the adoptive/foster parents thread -- i have found that foster parents often are a great source of knowledge about these things.

[boobybunny]

Originally Posted by PiePie

i would get her health, dental, and psych screenings asap to see if there are any issues there you can get professional help with. the sooner you know, the better.

also definitely get her records from her old schools -- to establish continuity, make sure she is placed in the right place, and talents (or areas for improvement) identified earlier aren't lost in the shuffle.

i would x-post on the adoptive/foster parents thread -- i have found that foster parents often are a great source of knowledge about these things.

I know she has an issue with her wisdom teeth, and I have asked her mom for all her medical card stuff... (she is N.A. and has tribal insurance)

The whole DL thing is just helping her grow to be an adult. PLUS, there might just be a car in her future.

[pranamama]

If she's like my teen a psych eval would greatly offend her.

[boobybunny]

Not with her, she knows that mental health is important. She has been living with a mother that every five years goes completely off her mental axis. She knows the value of talk therapy.

She's a great kid, just has had to put up with too much crap in her young years.