4 year old DS does not talk about "feelings"

[TripMom]

I am wondering how "normal" this is - or should I be concerned. My 4 year old DS just will not talk about how he feels. When I engage him in these convos - he looks very uncomfortable, won't make eye contact, tries to change the subject as fast as possible, etc. Am I doing something wrong? Should I push it? Should I push "gently"? How worried should I be . . . .

PS - Another fact about DS is that he won't really talk about anything in "the past" at all. For instance - its like pulling teeth to get him to tell me anything about his day at preschool, or his playdate with his friend next door, etc.

[~member~]

Have you taught him what feelings are and how they feel? Does he even have the vocabulary or comprehension, yet?

As for the second part, that is totally normal. It's still the same way with my 10 yr olds. Kids want to talk about what THEY want to talk about, not always what you are interested in hearing.

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by MamaInTheBoonies

Have you taught him what feelings are and how they feel? Does he even have the vocabulary or comprehension, yet?

I would - if he'd even acknowledge the conversation I am trying to have . . . .that is where we are it with it.

[LynnS6]

I would read stories about feelings and work on basic emotion identification first -- happy, sad, angry, scared, silly, embarrased. Ask your children's librarian for books, there are some good ones.

Our son is an introvert and getting him to talk about feelings is pretty much useless. "How did you feel?" "I dunno."

I also sing different versions of "if you're happy and you know it..." "If you're silly and you know it (do something silly)..." "If your grumpy and you know it say "grrrrrr"...." My kids both love it.

I also recently bought some cards at a educational supply store that have pictures of kids with different emotions -- we'll take them out and discuss one or two a day over the next several months. Dd is fascinated by emotions, and I can have ds help "teach" her (and thus learn himself).

Some days ds will talk about his day, others not. Usually what he wants to tell me is the different emergency vehicles he saw drive by school. Any other info I get is a bonus. I do find, however, that I get more out of him if I tell him first what I did that day. "I had a really busy day today. I taught my class, and then 6 students needed to talk to me after class. Then 3 students came to advising hours, and 3 more to my office hourrs, and then I had meetings with thesis students. I didn't even get to eat my lunch until after 3 o'clock. I was super hungry!" or "Boy was I cranky this afternoon. I stayed late so that 2 students could come see me, and you know what - neither one of them showed up!! Boy that makes me mad when I go out of my way to be helpful and then they don't show up."

Assuming he's developing typically, plays with you and his friends, and seems to react appropriately in most situations, I wouldn't worry. He's just going to need a lot more time and help to talk about these things.

[TripMom]

Thanks for the replies so far . . .it just never occurs to me that he may not be able to identify his emotions - and so not able to answer my questions about feelings.

When the babies were younger, he was acting out with a lot of aggression - so I bought a book about emotions. We read it for awhile and he seemed OK with it, then it seemed like he was just appeasing me, and finally he would refuse to choose that book for story time altogether.

Maybe the flashcard idea . . .or the song would help?

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Our son is an introvert and getting him to talk about feelings is pretty much useless. "How did you feel?" "I dunno."

My ds is an introvert, too. One thing that he'll always do is give a thumbs up or thumbs down. Sometimes it's 2 thumbs up and sometimes 2 thumbs down. I'll ask him for a thumb guage and I can at least respond - "Oh, I'm sorry you had a bad day. You seem sad." I always ask if he wants to talk about it then and respect it when he says that he doesn't.

He'll usually talk about his day at bedtime. It takes about this long for him to process it and be ready to talk about it. We kind of walk through his day and many times he'll fill in the details and sometimes he won't. Sometimes I'll ask him if he wants to ask me questions.....anything to keep the conversation going!

[TripMom]

One of the things that boggle me is that DS is NOT an introvert in any other way? This makes me question whether it is something "I" am doing that causes him to clam up? But honestly cannot figure what it would be?

[Jessy1019]

My four year old is the same as far as emotions are concerned, and she is not at all an introvert. She just clams up and is visibly uncomfortable when I try to get her to talk about her feelings. I haven't been pushing it, but I do make more of an effort to identify feelings around her. I am hoping that will help her to start doing the same.

[ASusan]

Developmentally, four-year-olds shouldn't be expected to be able to talk about their feelings. They just aren't really good at identifying and/or reporting their inner emotions. It's just too abstract for them. Happy - Sad - Angry...that would be the extent I would expect from a typical 4-year-old. MAYBE "frustrated" IF this is something that a parent has taught consistently as an emotional label, but it's really too complex for a preschooler to be reliable about consistently.

The best you can expect is some basic labeling and/or the beginnings of appropriate emotional expression and self-control.

I would not try to engage in a "conversation" about it, asking him to report on how he feels. If he's not able to do it, he's just going to be increasingly uncomfortable because he can't do what you want.

1. I would use modeling - label your own emotions and appropriate emotional expressions. e.g., when you drop your purse and things spill, "Oh! What a mess - I have to clean this up and it will make me late for...I feel ____ (angry? upset?)" (I'm bad with examples, as I wrote that, I thought that maybe spilling a purse isn't something to get upset about but you can think of your own examples.)

2. As jessie119 suggests, I would label other's emotions - When you're watching TV or other children at the playground and an emotional thing happens, say, "That little boy fell down and is crying, I bet he feels sad."

3. After labeling the other's emotion, you can ask your son how he would feel.

4. When your son has an emotional event, you can label his emotion for him. An expansion of this is to label/ask at the same time. "It looks like you're struggling to get that toy to work, does that make you feel frustrated?" Obviously, you wouldn't want to do this unless your son is showing obvious signs of frustration. You don't want to suggest that working hard to get something to work should always lead to frustration.


Finally, a 4-year-old doesn't have the memory capacity to report what he did at school that day. A better approach is to ask him what his favorite thing he did that day was. Or, to ask if he did he have fun playing on the playground or who did he play with on the playground or did he use the slide on the playground. That way, you're providing the structure for the answer, instead of asking him to recall the information.

To help him develop his memory, when you tuck him in at night, review his routine for the day - first you got up, then you had breakfast, then mommy took you to preschool - you can decide on the level of detail, but you want to keep it relatively short. YOu can then ask him, "What did you do first at preschool?" or "Did you play with Susie at preschool today?" - and then continue to review the routine with him. Keep it short - about 1-2 minutes - and it's not a quiz, it's just the two of you review his life together. Also at that time, you can review the upcoming day, which is likely to be the same as what you just reviewed, but here's your chance to remind him of what may be different. "Tomorrow is Wednesday, and we always go to the library on Wednesday, so we have to remember to put your library books in the car when we go to preschool."

[Jessy1019]

I have to disagree about memory. We don't have any real routines, but dd can recite in detail her day -- if she wants to. I would believe that a child just home from school probably has other things on his mind and may not want to deconstruct his day . . . but I don't think Asusan is giving four year olds enough credit for their memories. Gosh, mine remembers things from almost two years ago, in detail. I don't think she's a huge freak, is she?

[mommy68]

Maybe it's just his personality. I have 3 children and they're all different in that aspect. My oldest used to hate it when I would pick him up from school (daycare before that) and ask how his day went. It would make him ill and he wouldn't want to talk. I'd have to wait til we got home, started on supper or something like that and give him time to unwind so to speak. Maybe that's the way your child is. He just wants to talk when HE feels comfortable doing so.

Finally, a 4-year-old doesn't have the memory capacity to report what he did at school that day.

not true. All 3 of my children have had great memories. My youngest DD now is 4.5 and she remembers things from 2 years ago!! She has a wonderful memory even better than my own.

[daniedb]

nak, so sorry..

wanted to add that i read a book recently written by a mom of boys re: communicating about tough/emotional topucs. one thing that stuck out at me was that females tend to want to talk about thosethings while engaged in eye contact, perhaps sitting down, without any distractions. males, otoh, in her studies, relayed difficult informtion better when engaged in another task. she suggests talking about those things while interacting side-by-side w/ your boys, like talking in brief sentences with leading questions while coloring, playing ball, etc. my just 3 yo can identify happy, sad, frustratred, but i have been ident8ifying and naming them since birth. weuse the phrase, "how does your heart feel?" as he gets older, we add more complex emotions...confused, disappointed, and explain what they mean and why they are usually provoked w/ dialogue like Asusan mentioned- "oh, you thought daddy was going to put on your boots and he put on your tennies instead. if that happened to me, i would feel confused, becuse i thought one thing was going to happen, and then a different thing happened."

[cdahlgrd]

Most 4 year olds can remember memorable events.

However, being able to tell a person what they did THAT DAY, is a much harder skill that not all 4 year olds have. A lot of 5 and 6 year olds can have trouble with it too. They just seem to live more in the moment and don't consider past or future.

[K's Mom!]

I do not have any advice for you. I just wanted to post to say that I have a friend who's boy is the same age and does the same thing. Hugs.

[4evermom]

My ds hates to be asked questions (even what he wants to eat) but usually he'll tell me spontaneously about something great that happened, after he gets home. Something that is bothering him might get confided to me at bedtime.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by daniedb

wanted to add that i read a book recently written by a mom of boys re: communicating about tough/emotional topucs. one thing that stuck out at me was that females tend to want to talk about thosethings while engaged in eye contact, perhaps sitting down, without any distractions. males, otoh, in her studies, relayed difficult informtion better when engaged in another task. she suggests talking about those things while interacting side-by-side w/ your boys, like talking in brief sentences with leading questions while coloring, playing ball, etc.

:

I'd forgotten this -- but it's so true. Ds hates to be quizzed or asked direct questions, but will sometimes share while doing something else. Next year he's going to move from going to daycare/kindergarten on campus with me to our local school -- I'm going to miss our drives home together. I may never know what's going on with him again!

[marieangela]

Two thoughts have come to my mind in reading this thread.

First, have any of you read "Raising Cain". I'm reading it right now and trying to figure out ways/find books to help my boys understand emotions.

Second, ds1 (who is 4 years old) has recently begun saying "MOOOO!" when someone asks him a question. I'm wondering if that has something to do with him perhaps being introverted (I sure am!).

[TripMom]

These replies have been very helpful. thank you all.