Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage

[Trinitty]

Hi there!

I've been asking some of the wives and mothers over in Parenting as P. what they think of the original book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura, and I thought I'd check in and see what the SAHMS thought of her philosophy.

Have any of you picked up the new "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" book that she recently released?

How do you see your role as wife and mother?

Would you consider yourself a homemaker?

Do you consider being a SAHM a job?

Do you practice any of Dr. Laura's recommendations?

What do you think of her support of SAHMs?

BTW: I plan on being a SAHM, that's why I'm lurking!

[chinaKat]

I'll be honest and admit that I haven't read it... but Dr. Laura can bite me! I wouldn't buy her book if it was the last one left in the store.

No offense to the OP. But that woman is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

[Trinitty]

I don't agree with some of her opinions or methods, so I can imagine a few reasons why you dislike her. However, I didn't start the thread to have a debate about her own past or political views, or whatever.

I do want to discuss some of her recommendations and viewpoints on marriage and being a SAHM with people who have read them.

Trin.

[cjanelles]

I'm not a big fan of Dr. Laura...I don't care for her methods and her abrasiveness and I think that lots of times she's just downright wrong...

That being said, lots of times she's right on the money, too...and I can appreciate some of her forthrightness when it comes to stuff I consider to be common-sensical.

I bought "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" when it came out. Although I didn't agree with the whole book, I took a lot of valuable information away from it.

I intend to buy "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage", too, as soon as I can afford it...

[KimProbable]

I haven't bought it yet, but plan to. Maybe DH will buy it for my birthday. My mom actually gave me Proper Care And Feeding of Husbands for an engagement gift and I got a lot out of it even though it was a bit hard to get my ego out of the way at first.



How do you see your role as wife and mother? I see it as the most important thing in my life. My DH and kids come first above anyone or anything else. I'm here to care for my family (cooking, doing laundry, keeping track of appointments etc.). DH provides for us financially and I take care of things around the house with the exception of car things, outdoor things, and the dishes each night. I think my role as a wife is one where I take care of DH so he can take care of us. My role as a mother is to be there for my kids and raise them myself.

Would you consider yourself a homemaker? Sure. It's the box I usually check off on forms!

Do you consider being a SAHM a job? Absolutely. The house is my job and the kids are my job while DH is at work. When he's home we split the childcare duties.

Do you practice any of Dr. Laura's recommendations? Yes. I'm a SAHM. I strive to always treat DH lovingly and with respect. I recognize that my children's needs to have a healthy childhood come before anything else.

What do you think of her support of SAHMs? I love it and it's one of the main reasons why I subscribed to her program on Stream Link when my local station stopped airing her show. In a society where money and power are exalted and family values are belittled, I truly appreciate having her voice nattering at me throughout the day reminding me that I'm doing the most important job there is.

[AngelBee]

I want the book! :

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Trinitty

Have any of you picked up the new "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" book that she recently released?

no, I can't stand Dr. Laura and will not be reading her book

Would you consider yourself a homemaker?

Do you consider being a SAHM a job?

yes, a job, a call, an avocation. you can call it whatever you like

Do you practice any of Dr. Laura's recommendations?

if so, it is only a coincidence that she and I agree on something. Because I haven't read her show or read anything by her in about 10 years, I haven't got a clue what she is on about these days. If you want to discuss specific things she recommends and how I feel about them, you'll have to list them

What do you think of her support of SAHMs?

I don't like it because she has this little world view that everyone is supposed to fit into, and just don't buy that. It is my experience that different things work for different people. Being a SAHM is the right thing for me, but I cannot say what is right for anyone else.

[RedWine]

I can't buy the book because I won't give her any of my money. I dislike her for many reasons.

However, I have heard good things about that book itself, so I do plan to check it out of the library. I'll rejoin once I've read it.

[MamaBug]

Moved to Books and Media

[Trinitty]

Hi Mamma Bug,

Could you please move my thread back to the SAHM forum?

I posted it there specifically to get SAHM viewpoints on this book.

Is that okay?

Trin.

[cjanelles]

I don't think they'll move it back because the issue isn't just specific to SAHM's, even though that was your target audience...I've noticed some really specific rules regarding what posts are acceptable where, etc...

Anyway--I popped in here to say that I went grocery shopping today, and on my way home, stopped at Barnes & Noble and picked up this book.

I'll start reading it while I'm at my ob appointment this afternoon.

[Trinitty]

How was the book so far cjanelles?

[cjanelles]

Well, I finished it last night (I read fast)...and I have to say that it's pretty much like the rest of her books, especially "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".

Dr. L makes no bones about admitting that she thinks women are primarily responsible for the "troubles" in marriage...that if we're married to decent guys and still having major problems that are leading towards divorce or infidelity, then it is usually because the wife is selfish, unyeilding, nagging, withholding, etc., and that the husband's bad behavior is usually a result of those things.

That being said--she makes a few points (as usual) that I agree with wholeheartedly...such as:

If your marriage is shaky or unsatisfying or in trouble, stop focusing on what your spouse is doing "wrong" and start focusing on how YOU are contributing to the problem and then get to work on fixing it...because you can't change ANYONE BUT YOURSELF...so wasting all your time and energy on being mad at your spouse or trying to change your spouse is a waste of time, and likely you're just as responsible for the problem as they are...

She also mentions a lot of times about how women--especially SAHMs--have a tendency to forget that the world doesn't revolve around them--that it is very easy to get frustrated and wrapped up in the struggles of being a SAHM and expect the husband to swoop in after an equally long/difficult day of work to fix the problems and cater to his wife...which, according to Dr. L, is unreasonable.

She does spend a lot of time on my favorite pro-marriage commandment, though...and that is that you and your spouse are a team--it's the two of you against the world, not the two of you against each other...and as long as you remember that and act accordingly to that principle, you (as a couple) should be able to overcome anything...and I have totally noticed that in so many marriages (mine included, at the beginning) spouses are going at each other for positions of power and dominance, being "right" and so on, and looking at the other as someone trying to usurp their position...rather than looking to each other as a team, willing to work together to accomplish the peace and harmony each family deserves.

Oh! And the other thing that I can always stand to be reminded of...Happiness requires attention and work...happy marriages require attention and work. So many people seem to expect that they simply deserve happiness to follow them around or fall into their laps because they exist...or because they endured a difficult childhood...or because they're "not bad people"...but they forget that in order to be happy, you have to be willing to do the work...and she talks about that...

All in all, she didn't say anything she hasn't said before...nor did she say anything that I found particularly profound or new. Still, as a SAHM who has virtually no complaints about my marriage or my husband and couldn't imagine a better life for me, my spouse or my kids, it's not a bad thing to read to just help keep some everyday stuff from creeping into our lives and upsetting the apple cart, so to speak.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by cjanelles

Dr. L makes no bones about admitting that she thinks women are primarily responsible for the "troubles" in marriage...that if we're married to decent guys and still having major problems that are leading towards divorce or infidelity, then it is usually because the wife is selfish, unyeilding, nagging, withholding, etc., and that the husband's bad behavior is usually a result of those things.

yeah, right. Women are responsible for their husband's bad behavoir. Because we have absolute control. (Actually, I think it would be nice if that were true. )

it is very easy to get frustrated and wrapped up in the struggles of being a SAHM and expect the husband to swoop in after an equally long/difficult day of work to fix the problems and cater to his wife.

I don't expect him to fix anything, but I do expect him to worship at my feet. Which he does, so things are OK here

but they forget that in order to be happy, you have to be willing to do the work.

I think that being happy is more about letting go rather than working at it. I think finding *happy* is sort of the opposite of working. It is often about slowing down enough to appreciate what is really going on, noticing the little things. When both people are busy working -- even busy working on home/family stuff, they can really lose themselves and each other.

Thank you for sharing!

[phathui5]

I have it on my request list at the library. Still waiting...

[cjanelles]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

yeah, right. Women are responsible for their husband's bad behavoir. Because we have absolute control. (Actually, I think it would be nice if that were true. )

Actually...I don't know how often you listen to her or read her stuff, but she pretty much does believe that women "have the power" and that men are easily manipulated (my word, not her's) by adoration, praise, sex, etc...

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think that being happy is more about letting go rather than working at it. I think finding *happy* is sort of the opposite of working. It is often about slowing down enough to appreciate what is really going on, noticing the little things. When both people are busy working -- even busy working on home/family stuff, they can really lose themselves and each other.

I think that kind of letting go - taking the time to notice things, and appreciate what's going on around you - is working at being happy. It's working at keeping your focus where it does you the most good.

I see a lot of women (irl - I can't really tell for sure when it's people I only know online) who expend enormous energy on cataloging all of their husband's faults, and complaining about the fact that he won't do this or that. I think they could actually work at being happy, but expend less energy in the process. I really think it involves a huge shift in perceptions. I know two women in particular who seem to have a deep need to be unhappy in their marriages. They won't see anything their husbands do right, and aren't ever satisfied with anything. I don't get it. I don't think either of them have the World's Greatest Husband (in fact, I know they don't - because I do )...but they don't have the World's Worst Husband, either (my ex is a contender, but still not champion).

I haven't read either of Dr. Laura's books. It does sound as though she over-simplifies things greatly...but it also sounds as though she has some valid points.

[cjanelles]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I see a lot of women (irl - I can't really tell for sure when it's people I only know online) who expend enormous energy on cataloging all of their husband's faults, and complaining about the fact that he won't do this or that. I think they could actually work at being happy, but expend less energy in the process. I really think it involves a huge shift in perceptions. I know two women in particular who seem to have a deep need to be unhappy in their marriages. They won't see anything their husbands do right, and aren't ever satisfied with anything. I don't get it.

This is something I notice often, too, and I find myself thinking, "God, if you put as much energy into finding things to praise and be happy about (re: your decent guy husband who has the same faults any human being has), as you do finding things to complain and bitch and be unhappy about, you'd have to most amazing marriage in the world!"

[phathui5]

http://video.msn.com/v/us/msnbc.htm?.../16442606/&fg=

Dr Laura on the Today show talking about the book.

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_vi...ml?id=2329623n

The Early Show

[Tijja]

I LOVED this book and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Before I read the first book I considered myself a feminist...now I consider myself a recovered feminist. I ended up agreeing with 99.9% of the book. If I can recall I only disagreed with how she handled one caller and how she called a woman selfish cause she wanted a cat. BUT other then that I put all of her suggestions into practice and my marriage...that was about to end in divorce...was totally rejuvinated and we are entering our 9th year and feel like newlyweds.

I really don't care about Dr. Laura's personal opinions on other issues or her abrasiveness because it has nothing to do with the good advice in her book. Modern woman have a tendency to be VERY selfish and this book blows the whistle on that.

The second book was much more tame in my opinion but a good read.