I'm new to this forum. I want my children to grow up and be the individuals they are. There are some things that I will not budge on but I usually try to compromise when possible. When it isn't possible and something where you absolutely see no "happy medium", AND have the father fighting you in every way, how do you deal? My DD's father and I have been apart since she was 8 months old. My husband and I have been together since she was 10 mo. old. He has the same values as I and things seemed to go pretty smoothly until she was about 4 and her father really started coming into the picture (long story there in itself). He loves her but he is so selfish that he behaves more like a teenage brother/baby sister relationship. He was never taught self control or consequence and it is still apparent today as what is supposed to be an adult.
He has had no rules for what she is/was allowed to listen to on her stereo, including his CD’s(VERY inappropriate for children), or what she was allowed to watch on her TV (cable) in her room since about age 4-5 yrs. old. He doesn't supervise at all. She has begun to resent and rebel against me now because I do not allow those things that he does. I have had parent/teacher conferences about why my child at age 5 was dancing inappropriately (he bought Britney Spears concert on PPV for her at age 5) and referred to a boy in her class as "big pimp" (his friends referred to him that way in front of her). She began singing songs (hip-hop) talking explicitly about sex by age 6 and has involved her in all his relationships (1 live-in GF, married & divorced two different women and has a child with his current live-in GF he won’t marry). She now acts as you would expect a 15-17 yr old to behave. She is only 11 years old and though she tries to behave older, she is still very emotionally immature-because he has placed her in that environment years before she was emotionally or mentally ready, I think. I know all teens will try to push the limits a bit but I have dealt with a "teen" so to speak for the past 6 years - what's left to go through in the next 7 yrs?
I struggle with my own anger because I feel as though he has taken my baby from me. At age 4 he began to mold her into this selfish, materialistic monster. What hurts the most is this is truly not her nature - she is very emotional, sensitive and sympathetic. So much so, she cries anytime she sees someone else cry - even a stranger. She intentionally tries to behave this way because she thinks it is "cool" because “they dress like this on “MTV” and the more I try to teach her different, the more she pushes but I can’t allow my daughter to basically raise herself, as she seems to think I should and watch her spiral out of control. Example: she had a CD she'd brought home from his house and was listening to it. I asked what she was listening to. The rule - no listening to the CD's she brings home until I have been able to sit and listen to it to be sure it isn’t inappropriate. She actually told me she'd bought that CD with her money(from his house), so she should be able to listen to it if she wants! It wasn’t that big a deal, just one exhibit of how she truly feels she shouldn’t have rules.
He has successfully confused her of what it is to be an adult and a child for that matter and I am beginning to feel SO helpless – especially when I think of how I hate that she is around these things as it is, and then she comes home and my other daughters (8 & 3) look up to her like she looks at her father, and want to do everything she does. I have tried to talk to him several times and it does no good – she is suffering the most from all this 1. through the example he sets and what she’s learning from them, and 2. from the confusion it has caused her to go back and forth with nothing even near consistent.
Any ideas of how I can help her through this and NOT make matters worse or harder on her than they have to be?
He has had no rules for what she is/was allowed to listen to on her stereo, including his CD’s(VERY inappropriate for children), or what she was allowed to watch on her TV (cable) in her room since about age 4-5 yrs. old. He doesn't supervise at all. She has begun to resent and rebel against me now because I do not allow those things that he does. I have had parent/teacher conferences about why my child at age 5 was dancing inappropriately (he bought Britney Spears concert on PPV for her at age 5) and referred to a boy in her class as "big pimp" (his friends referred to him that way in front of her). She began singing songs (hip-hop) talking explicitly about sex by age 6 and has involved her in all his relationships (1 live-in GF, married & divorced two different women and has a child with his current live-in GF he won’t marry). She now acts as you would expect a 15-17 yr old to behave. She is only 11 years old and though she tries to behave older, she is still very emotionally immature-because he has placed her in that environment years before she was emotionally or mentally ready, I think. I know all teens will try to push the limits a bit but I have dealt with a "teen" so to speak for the past 6 years - what's left to go through in the next 7 yrs?
I struggle with my own anger because I feel as though he has taken my baby from me. At age 4 he began to mold her into this selfish, materialistic monster. What hurts the most is this is truly not her nature - she is very emotional, sensitive and sympathetic. So much so, she cries anytime she sees someone else cry - even a stranger. She intentionally tries to behave this way because she thinks it is "cool" because “they dress like this on “MTV” and the more I try to teach her different, the more she pushes but I can’t allow my daughter to basically raise herself, as she seems to think I should and watch her spiral out of control. Example: she had a CD she'd brought home from his house and was listening to it. I asked what she was listening to. The rule - no listening to the CD's she brings home until I have been able to sit and listen to it to be sure it isn’t inappropriate. She actually told me she'd bought that CD with her money(from his house), so she should be able to listen to it if she wants! It wasn’t that big a deal, just one exhibit of how she truly feels she shouldn’t have rules.
He has successfully confused her of what it is to be an adult and a child for that matter and I am beginning to feel SO helpless – especially when I think of how I hate that she is around these things as it is, and then she comes home and my other daughters (8 & 3) look up to her like she looks at her father, and want to do everything she does. I have tried to talk to him several times and it does no good – she is suffering the most from all this 1. through the example he sets and what she’s learning from them, and 2. from the confusion it has caused her to go back and forth with nothing even near consistent.
Any ideas of how I can help her through this and NOT make matters worse or harder on her than they have to be?
? There's a book called "the explosive child" (
