Car seat, hitting, 2 year old stuff

[mamaboobaAES]

Hi,

My 2.5 year old seems to be periodically testing me these days. When I take him to playgroups or outings with friends he inevitably ends up pushing or hitting - not hard, but enough to be inappropriate. He seems to think that is fun play because he sometimes does it to me or his dad. He tries to push the other kids / pick them up and move them out of his way. A lot of the time it seems like he is trying to play with them like a stuffed animal or a little baby or something, trying to pet and touch them but he doesn't treat them gently.

And today in the car he was climbing all over & didn't want to get out, and then when it was time to go he was climbing all over & wouldn't go in his car seat & he was literally up on top of the dash board and I had to wrestle him to strap him in. I felt guilty for physically forcing him but he was literally trying to climb all around the car, into the back of the SUV and I was more worried about his safety than anything else.

After I finally got him in the car seat, this lady who apparently had been watching me at Starbucks from inside walked out towards her car and told me I was "good."

I don't believe in hitting, and I do believe in time outs but I can't figure out how to administer a time out when I am out in public. Even at home it is hard because I feel guilty if I leave the room and shut the door, and if I stay in the room he just ignores me and tries to get down etc. I don't want to smother him during the time out but it seems ineffective to just put him somewhere if he isn't going to stay there.

And if he acts up in public I wait until he gets home I know that he will be confused because he won't remember what he did wrong and it won't be an immediate consequence.

In general I feel like I do a good job as a mom but when my son acts like this I am afraid I am failing. I don't want to be too controlling but I don't want him to learn the wrong way.

What is an appropriate age to expect better behavior?

I am also concerned that it could be food allergies but I have such a hard time getting him to eat anything other than very unhealthy "healthy" foods (I draw my line at total junk food) and breast milk.

I also got him some homeopathic stuff for eczema and he took it for two days but now refuses to take the medicine - and it is little pellets that taste like sugar so I totally don't get why he no longer will take it! He used to say YUMMY when he got it. LOL

I don't understand what I am supposed to do sometimes. He doesn't act like this all the time, just sometimes. Sometimes you would swear he is the perfect angel and other times he just totally embarrasses me.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

[abac]

I think the behavior you described is not abnormal for a 2.5 year old. When he is pushing or hitting, you could speak to him about appropriate ways to engage other children in play. Tell him things he can SAY to get what he wants. Try to remember that he is doing the best he can. You could also consider avoiding playgroups for a while. Not all children enjoy interaction with numerous other children.

And today in the car he was climbing all over & didn't want to get out, and then when it was time to go he was climbing all over & wouldn't go in his car seat & he was literally up on top of the dash board and I had to wrestle him to strap him in. I felt guilty for physically forcing him but he was literally trying to climb all around the car, into the back of the SUV and I was more worried about his safety than anything else.

(Bold mine.) It sounds like he wants to explore your car. Also, had he had enough physical activity that day? You should not do things that make you feel guilty. Listen to your instincts here. If it makes you feel guilty, don't do it!

I don't believe in hitting, and I do believe in time outs but I can't figure out how to administer a time out when I am out in public. Even at home it is hard because I feel guilty if I leave the room and shut the door, and if I stay in the room he just ignores me and tries to get down etc. I don't want to smother him during the time out but it seems ineffective to just put him somewhere if he isn't going to stay there. And if he acts up in public I wait until he gets home I know that he will be confused because he won't remember what he did wrong and it won't be an immediate consequence.

(Bold mine.) Again, listen to your instincts. If what you are doing makes you feel guilty, or if it is ineffective, don't do it. Rather than focusing on punishing him for his behavior, could youtry to figure out why he's behaving this way? Is he getting enough exercise? Is he well rested? Is he hungry? Has he had enough Mama time? Is he bored? Is he having a hard time communicating? Try to focus on the underlying issue, not the 'inappropriate' behavior.

[Blue Dragonfly]

I wonder if it would help if you reframed it to say "he is testing his limits." (rather than testing you). Then you may feel that its not about you, and your parenting, so much as it is about him trying to find out what behaviour is appropriate and what is not.

I find that if DS "challenging me" (and boy do I feel challenged some days ) that if I don't discuss things with him, but say what I need only once (maybe twice, depending how long it takes me to direct him into appropriate behaviour, he "acts up" less. Its when I am wishy-washy about something that he pushes more to find the limits.

With regard to the car seat thing, I would just say "this is not negotiable. Your carseat is the safest place for you and being in the front of the car is not safe for you because you are too small. You can go in the front when you are 12" (I also let DS have one pull on the "Jesus handle" before he gets in his seat to satisfy his need for play. - hope that term's not offensive to you.)

In the park, if he is pushing someone else, perhaps you could swoop in immediately and pick him up and put him on the bench beside you with a short talk about why he is acting inappropriately. Then have him sit beside you for as long as you feel he needs it. I kind of think this would get him to stop his pushing etc.

I hear your pain mama. Life with a 2 year old is definetly a learning experience!

[WuWei]

My questions would be does your son want to be at the playdate, or are you needing social time? Our son is an introvert and when tired becomes more sensory seeking. So, we avoid crowds, especially when nearing nap time. Having frequent snacks helps keep an even blood sugar, especially starting the day with protein affects his diet and behavior all day. Many snacks are high in artificial colors, flavors, preservatives and high fructose corn syrup. These significantly increase aggressive behaviors and sensory seeking (pushing, pulling, hugging, grabbing, head butting, bumping, kicking, etc.). Similarly, going to a crowded place would be overstimulating with noises, voices, lights, activity, especially nearing a nap. Could you arrange errands earlier in the day when more rested and just fed? We find one-on-one playdates work much better for ds. Again, early in the day, for about an hour only.

Oh, you can crush homeopathic tablets and place in water also. They are tasteless that way.

HTH, Pat