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post #101 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
What if they were physically abusive towards you? There is a situation in my extended family that involves an adult male physically and verbally abusing his mother as well as stealing from her. She is a wonderful woman who has done everything she can for him. Would she be wrong if she distanced herself from him in order to protect herself? I know this off topic from the OP, but I have seen quite a few post stating it is never ever ok to distance yourself from your child for any reason, even murder or rape, but I just wondered if anyone had considered physical abuse of the parent.
nak - what i was trying to get at before is it is different if a child is directly hurting you, vs. disapproving of their decisions. the first is about self protection, and you gotta do what you gotta do, IMO.
post #102 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
nak - what i was trying to get at before is it is different if a child is directly hurting you, vs. disapproving of their decisions. the first is about self protection, and you gotta do what you gotta do, IMO.
It's funny that you responded to my question. I didn't get that you were saying this in your earlier posts at all. You seemed to be clarifying the difference between a child hurting you or just making you feel hurt, but I never got the impression that for you either was an acceptable reason to distance yourself from your child. It seemed to me you were very emphatic that if a child sensed that you would ever do so for any reason, it would scar the child's soul. I guess I misunderstood.
post #103 of 106

Maybe distance could be a positive thing...just a little rambling

I was thinking more about this whole concept of distance, and I guess like just about everything else, I think one's opinion about it is strongly shaped by one's life experience. Obviously if you felt your parents distanced themselves in a punitive way from you for what you feel is some frivilous reason or a particular lifestyle choice you made, well then I can see why you would have extemely negative feelings about distancing yourself from your child. Of course, I am sure one could feel negatively about distance even without that life experience. However, I think distance can be a positive thing sometimes for everyone involved. I have relationships in my family where I think a little distance has actually made for a more peaceful and healthy relationship by reducing conflict.

As as far OPs question of whether I would distance myself from my child if they circ'ed their son, I can see where it may possibly be a good thing for everyone if I did so. I'm not sayng I necessarily would feel the need to do it, and I certainly wouldn't do it to punish them. However, if I was so upset about it that I would feel the need to give them a piece of my mind all the time, like some PPs have mentioned, especially everytime anything related to the subject came up, like a diaper change as a PP mentioned, then I think putting some distance between myself and the situation (and my child by default) would be better for everyone. Once the deed was done, me voicing my disapproval or frustration to my child would serve no purpose other than to allow me to vent my feelings and to upset my child about something they could not change. I sure as heck wouldn't want my mom here if she disapproved of some way I was choosing to raise my child and she couldn't keep it to herself AND get over it in her own mind. I would definitely rather her keep her distance.

I think it was on this thread that someone mentioned that they couldn't turn their love on and off. I agree, but I also feel one can't turn frustration and disappointment on and off like a faucet either. If that frustration and disappointment would lead to an unhealthy or tumultuous relationship, then distance may be necessary IMHO. I actually see it as a form of respect and love, not a withdrawl of love. I know everyone here is entitled to their own opinion and I am not trying to change anyone's mind. I'm just writing this to clarify things in my own mind really. Thanks if you read this rediculously long post in it's entirety.
post #104 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
Once the deed was done, me voicing my disapproval or frustration to my child would serve no purpose other than to allow me to vent my feelings and to upset my child about something they could not change.
I agree with most of your post, & to be sure, there is a fine line between educating & being a nudge, but I DO see a reason to not give up beyond venting- there may be other children, there may be grandchildren, friends to convince, etc.

Some of the most wonderfully effective intactivists are the regretful parents.

The only bad analogy I can come up with right now... Let's see. My dd is visiting, with her cats. I told her it would be a bad idea to let them outside in a strange place.

"OH mom." 20 yr olds always know better, yes? So she let a cat out, & it disappeared for a week, & she was devastated.

I had to tread that fine line- not in her face with a bunch of snide 'I TOLD you so's, but supportive of her grief & worry, while being close enough to her that she didn't have to hear it from me. She knew. People make mistakes, terrible mistakes sometimes, when they are figuring out the world.

She could tell me herself how she regretted not listening to me & that if she ever got her back, it wouldn't happen again. (btw, kitty came back collarless & starving last night. Yay! She has new tags in case she escapes, but is now an INDOOR cat.)

Being an attached parent doesn't stop when they give up the tit.

If she ever chose to do something stupid like circ a child, I think she is informed & bright enough to not think it is 'ok' afterwards, & I want to be the one she knows she can come to & grieve over her bad decision with. There are future children in the world to think of (& an old friend of hers just had a little boy, & I pray GOD my own dd's teenage intactivism sunk in with her).
post #105 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by TigerTail View Post
I agree with most of your post, & to be sure, there is a fine line between educating & being a nudge, but I DO see a reason to not give up beyond venting- there may be other children, there may be grandchildren, friends to convince, etc.

Some of the most wonderfully effective intactivists are the regretful parents.
ITA. I would definitely not give up. However, I would try and bite my tounge until I felt I could be a calm voice of reason.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TigerTail View Post
Being an attached parent doesn't stop when they give up the tit.
I love it. I never thought of it that way, but those are definitely words to live by.

BTW I'm glad to hear kitty is ok.
post #106 of 106
Well, this better never come up because I plan to raise them better than that, BUT if it did, I would let them know how horrible it was and exactly how we felt about it. I would have several good long talks about it with them. If they still did it, I would be livid. They would be physically and sexually abusing my grandchild. That's not ok. I wouldn't disown them or give them less money or anything like that, but they would for sure know that I did not approve and that I was extremely disappointed in them.
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