Spinoff: Would you distance yourself from (or disown) your child for circumcising? - Page 3

[thismama]

I am so disturbed by some of these responses. This is parental love expressed very conditionally. It is controlling. Yes, you think it's valid because in your opinion the issue is so serious, but parents do this kind of thing about issues they think are serious all the time. And the pain it causes the children is so real and so deep nothing can touch or heal it.

It's so ironic, because the people who say they would treat their children this way profess to be interested in protecting the wholeness of their grandbabies' genitals. But I believe our children's spirits are at least as important. Parents wield a lot of power, and the willingness to cut off your children or punish them with distance over *anything* will be something they will be able to feel as a possibility energetically IMO. And it will harm them, whether you actually do it or not.

This thread makes me want to :

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I would have a very hard time dealing with the fact they would choose to do something so horrific. But I would love them just the same

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by thismama

But I believe our children's spirits are at least as important. Parents wield a lot of power, and the willingness to cut off your children or punish them with distance over *anything* will be something they will be able to feel as a possibility energetically IMO. And it will harm them, whether you actually do it or not.

I'm not sure putting distance between someone who you feel has hurt you, and believe me if my child mutilated my grandchild it would hurt me, is necessarily done to "punish." Sometimes someone can hurt you so badly that it is just to painful to be around them. The distance may not necessarily punitive.

As far as what I would do, I can honeslty say I have absolutely no earthly idea. I cannot even fathom my child doing that. I actually saw the other thread about FGM before this one, and I had a visceral reaction just trying to imagine it, my blood pressure went up and my heart started pounding hard. I would hate to think of how I might react if it were not just a hypothetical.

ETA - I just wanted to make it clear that I would never ever "disown" my child for anything, no matter how bad. However, I can't say that there would never be cicumstances where I may need to distance myself though.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by TigerTail

When you've mass-murdered your way across a continent, your momma is supposed to come visit you on death row.

[TigerTail]

When I say 'unconditional', I mean 'unconditional'. God willing I never have to find out.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Fi.

I'm confused with all of these replies saying "My love is unconditional"

My question had nothing to do with how much you love your children or if you'd stop loving them.

I'd ask if you'd distance yourself from them. You can still love someone you distance yourself from.
.

"Disown" to me is synonymous with "conditional love."

(Guess I lived through too many threatened-disownings from my own parents to feel any differently.)

So no, because I love them unconditionally, I would not disown them for anything.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by TigerTail

God willing I never have to find out.

You and me both, sister, you and me both.

[JJsMomma]

Originally Posted by Greeneyes0506

I would be heartbroken. I think I wouldn't be able to speak to them very often if at all. And I wouldn't leave them any money. I plan to educate them so it won't be an issue.

I think if you're so quick to ditch your offspring over a decision they make that you don't agree with, you don't deserve to have children. These are the children that you created and you can only educate them so much before they need to venture out and make their own mistakes to learn from. My thinking is that if your child knows your presence in their life in conditional, your grandkids will be circ'd faster than you can say "Shmagma". :yes

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Quirky

Just wondering, seriously wondering here....what if anything could your child do to undermine your unconditional love? Speaking to anyone who wants to answer here.

.

My children have a book I read to them titled, "I'll always love you, no matter what." And they know I mean it.

No one else in my life--siblings, parents, spouse, friends, etc. -- no one else has this carte blanche that my children have. Everyone else I love somewhat conditionally (even my dh, whom I try to love mostly unconditionally). But I brought my children into the world, and that relationship is unique.


Of course, they're 4 and 9, so I have plenty of time to test my theory.


But I'll never forget when my brother got a girl pregnant out of wedlock, and my mom told me that she just didn't love my brother in the same way anymore. I don't want to be that kind of parent.

[JJsMomma]

Originally Posted by A&A

No one else in my life--siblings, parents, spouse, friends, etc. -- no one else has this carte blanche that my children have. Everyone else I love somewhat conditionally (even my dh, whom I try to love mostly unconditionally). But I brought my children into the world, and that relationship is unique.

You said that beautifully.

[Potty Diva]

Originally Posted by pdx.mothernurture

Thank you, TigerTail, for making this important distinction!

I will always love my son, but if he abuses his children I will loose a great deal-if not all-respect for him. I'd feel the same way if he took a kitchen shears to his daughter's labia.

Jen

Oh for gosh almighty! I think you know what I meant. Nice crap stirring though.

[thismama]

Originally Posted by riverscout

I'm not sure putting distance between someone who you feel has hurt you, and believe me if my child mutilated my grandchild it would hurt me, is necessarily done to "punish."

Well, but your child would in actual fact not be hurting you by circing their child. They would be hurting their child. You would *feel* hurt.

I feel like this kind of thing can be a self fulfilling prophecy. Because I feel like part of our children's job is to test our limits, and the limits of our love. If your love (as a verb, your demonstrated loving of them) has limits, they will find those limits IMO, more often than we would want them to.

[Potty Diva]

Originally Posted by JJsMomma

I think if you're so quick to ditch your offspring over a decision they make that you don't agree with, you don't deserve to have children. These are the children that you created and you can only educate them so much before they need to venture out and make their own mistakes to learn from. My thinking is that if your child knows your presence in their life in conditional, your grandkids will be circ'd faster than you can say "Shmagma". :yes

And YOU said THIS beautifully.

ThisMama~ As always you are at the center of my mind and heart. I love you mama

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by thismama

Well, but your child would in actual fact not be hurting you by circing their child. They would be hurting their child. You would *feel* hurt.

Semantics

[TigerTail]

Originally Posted by Potty Diva

Oh for gosh almighty! I think you know what I meant. Nice crap stirring though.

No crap-stirring, just glad to hear you clarify your position. It's Ethics class, semantics are important.

[riverscout]

nevermind

[mamakay]

I don't want to be overly optimistic, but I really don't think this will be an issue.
But weird stuff does happen, so if he were to, say, convert to some religion that demanded it or something, I'd mourn over it...it would really hurt my soul deeply...but I'd make myself get over it.
But loving him unconditionally is a personal value of mine that's probably at the very top priority wise over all the other priorities, eclipsing even values like intactivism.
My most basic sense of who and what I am in this universe is being his mother for as long as we're both alive. (Other things, too, of course, but his mother first and foremost).
And honestly, if he decides to do that to his kid, I think it will be the result of a failure on my part to raise him as a critical thinker and an empathetic human. But hopefully it won't ever even be an issue.
But I know I'm not perfect, and if I fail in that regard, I'll keep loving him in the exact same way.
But I really don't think it will be an issue.

EAT:
What a depressing subject to even try to wrap your head around...lol...

[thismama]

Originally Posted by Potty Diva

ThisMama~ As always you are at the center of my mind and heart. I love you mama

Thank you. I love you too.

[thismama]

Originally Posted by riverscout

Semantics

Not semantics at all, IMO, but a question of who holds responsibility for your feelings.

Your child may circ your grandchild because they convert to a different religion, new information is found (doubtful but you never know what's going to happen), or for some other reason dear to their heart that you may either not understand, or that you may understand and know to be wrong but they feel it is right.

The fact is, they are hurting their child, causing physical pain to their child. Your feelings as a result of that action are *your* feelings, not something they are doing to you.

[Ilaria]

Originally Posted by Quirky

Honestly, I don't know how I would feel. If my son or daughter grew up to be the kind of person who could cut their baby's genitals, I'm not sure if I could get over it. I think it would hurt so deeply I'm not sure I could recover, and I know for sure I'd never feel the same way again. I might still love them and want to be a part of their lives, but it would be tough.

Ditto. I'd feel like a didn't know them anymore.