4 year old with bottomless cup -- vent

[RedWine]

I love my daughter. She's sweet, extremely intelligent, very energetic, and very nice to other kids (including her sister).

HOWEVER -- I need a break!!!! She has to have me around her all the time. I can be away from her for maybe 5 minutes (like, upstairs in the same house!) before she comes looking for me. I am frazzled.

I know she is spirited and very, very bright. I know this neediness comes with her temperament. I also do NOT believe in forcing a child into any kind of a daycare/preschool program for mom's convenience (we're homeschoolers anyway). I've tried doing a one day a week, two hour thing at the local nature center, but she cries and does not want me to leave (so I don't).

There's nothing to be done, I'm not writing for solutions (because I guess there aren't any).

I just wanted to vent vent vent vent. I would give a thousand dollars right now for a solid hour of peace and quiet. (My 22 month old is very independent and mellow).

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by RedWine

I would give a thousand dollars right now for a solid hour of peace and quiet

Whew! I know exactly how you feel.

It's harder when you are an Introvert...like me.

[4evermom]

My ds is at my heels all day, too, if there is no one else around. He still checks up on me if daddy is home, but not as often. It's part of why I spend so much time on the computer. He finds it really reasuring to have me be where he left me.

[canadiangranola]

I have the same thing exactly with my 3 1/2 yr old, and I am also an introvert. It is exhausting. He says he just "wants to be with me all the time" . By his own admission, he just wants me. And hes been freaking out big time if I leave , even if his dad is home. BLAH!

[Literate]

I can't get by the fact that "RedWine" posted a question about a "bottomless cup" in which the last word of the title looks like "venti" (and I don't even Starbucks).

I can't decide if I want a cup of coffee or wine!

Sorry, totally frivilous post. I hope your day today was better!

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by Literate

I can't get by the fact that "RedWine" posted a question about a "bottomless cup" in which the last word of the title looks like "venti" (and I don't even Starbucks).

I can't decide if I want a cup of coffee or wine!

Sorry, totally frivilous post. I hope your day today was better!

I could use some of my own username right now. We're all out.

She has chickenpox right now. There are pox all over her body. She STILL runs around the house, at my heels all day. Is it evil of me to slightly hope that she will feel bad for just one day, so she will lie in bed quietly for a while? Is that horrible of me, or is it just human...

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by RedWine

Is it evil of me to slightly hope that she will feel bad for just one day, so she will lie in bed quietly for a while? Is that horrible of me, or is it just human...

I rather enjoyed my ds' groggy state after he had an oral sedative at the dentist's when he was 3 1/2.

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

I rather enjoyed my ds' groggy state after he had an oral sedative at the dentist's when he was 3 1/2.

Hee hee -- good, that makes me feel better.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by RedWine

Is it evil of me to slightly hope that she will feel bad for just one day, so she will lie in bed quietly for a while? Is that horrible of me, or is it just human...

My now-four-year-old has had the stomach flu twice. Both times she basically lay in bed for 15 hours straight. It was ... nice? Less hectic? Yeah, it was easier.

Btw, both my 3 and my 4 year old follow me around, just to be near me. My four year old sticks her thumb in her mouth, grabs, my finger, and twiddles. It drives me batty, especially when I go down to the basement to do the laundry and they just stand on the landing ... watching me ... making sure I don't escape ...

I do enforce a quiet/rest time every day for 1.5 hours. All three kids must be in their rooms and be quiet. There is to be no checking on Momma. Of course they still do sometimes (disguised as potty breaks, but since they still don't shut the bathroom door, I know the potty is just a ruse because I don't hear the tell-tale tinkle), but for the most part I have 1.5 hours of uninterrupted time. Even though your daughter's personality is such that she wants to be near you, I think it's ok to do the same thing. My kids need down time and they need a break from each other. I need down and a break from them. It's ok to take care of yourself.

Namaste!

[CarrieMF]

My 4 & 5yo are like this but for different reasons, 1 is physical 1 is intellectual.

My 4yo is like this because she has been since birth. She has this odd need to sniff me for comfort. When she was 3 we put her into 3yo playschool(which was 1 day a week for 2 hours). She had some issues at first because as part of her Sensory issues dealing with 21 other kids was alot. They have awesome teachers & aides though and they helped her through it. This year she is in 4yo playschool(2 days, 2 hours) and she has adapted much better. The class size is the same, next year in K it should be 4 kids smaller but we'll have bigger issues. When she started at school she needed me more but has gradually decreased that.

My 5yo is constantly coming at me for attention. Hers is very different reasons and after they were both in playschool last year(different days) I came to realize I disliked my 5yo's neediness much more than my 4yo's neediness. This one is academic(16 days into K she passed everything to go onto grade 1). She NEEDS to have continuous educational stimuli, it never ends. On her days off(she goes to all day every other day K) she is at me every 4.5 seconds with another question, though or comment that I swear half the time is just to hear herself talk. In 30seconds she can ask me 6 questions and move onto a different topic by the end of 30seconds never giving a chance to answer any of them. When she gets educational stimuli she isn't as needy.

My point is IME there is a reason for a kids neediness and there is never no solution. My kids never went to playschool for my benefit it was for theirs. Yes my 4yo had some issues but she will be able to better deal with K after having 2 years of playschool.

[Mere]

My almost 5yo is super needy too, and always has been. Especially when she was younger I was always tripping over her because she was one step behind me, and I couldn't even go upstairs for one minute without her crying (if I didn't warn her) or following me (if I told her). SIGH. It is better now that she is older, but still those issues persist.

Anyhow, I dealt with this by 1) getting out of the house A LOT, and 2) having quiet time when she gave up naps. The quiet time was tricky because to confine with her personality to her room by herself would have been pure torture - not my intent at all. So, I made the quiet time for MYSELF. I told her she could do whatever she wanted to - BY HERSELF - but that mommy was going to have quiet time on the couch with a book. She's not an independent player so it was hard at first, but she eventually got used to it and it gave me a much needed break!

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

My point is IME there is a reason for a kids neediness and there is never no solution. My kids never went to playschool for my benefit it was for theirs. Yes my 4yo had some issues but she will be able to better deal with K after having 2 years of playschool.

I'm glad that worked for your family. That own't work for mine -- sending them to playschool is pointless because we're homeschoolers. There's no need for her to be "better able to deal with K." Intellectually, she's at least a 2nd grader anyway. We have tons of edcuational stuff everywhere in our house -- the Periodic Table, world and country maps, art postcards, etc. -- they are everywhere, hanging at her eye level. She reads a lot. She wants to go go go when it comes to academics. To be honest, I don't think any kind of school situation would do her justice. I think they'd try to train her to sit down, stop fidgeting, be quiet, and conform to the mean. Right now she's begging me to do yet another science experiment. She wants to look at the pus from her chicken pox under one of our microscopes. I'm not kidding. The kid just turned 4 last month. My point is, she's not lacking for educational stimuli. She just wants ME to be the one explaining it all to her and helping her along. I don't think anyone else would have the patience to satisfy her constant curiosity. I'm doing the best I can, but my goodness she can wear me out. She also has high high high energy.

I don't know if there's a solution, frankly. It's just her temperament, I suppose. I like dharmamama's enforced quiet time. I may need to do that, though I'm not quite sure how I'll go about it.

[homemademomma]

Originally Posted by RedWine

I don't think anyone else would have the patience to satisfy her constant curiosity. I'm doing the best I can, but my goodness she can wear me out. She also has high high high energy.

I don't know if there's a solution, frankly. It's just her temperament, I suppose. I like dharmamama's enforced quiet time. I may need to do that, though I'm not quite sure how I'll go about it.

i understand that this is a vent,a nd you are not really looking for solutions per se. but i have s 3yo ds who sounds SO much like your dd. i have found that helping ds form strong relationships with other trusted caregivers has been the BEST thing for all of us. nak, but we all benefit from forming relationships w/other people. your dd will learn things she cant learn from you, and will benefit from having more adults that she trusts and loves! there might be resistance from her at first but if we never did anything we didnt want to do we would miss out on so much, kwim?

[bnhmama]

We're right there with you. He must be wherever I am at all times. And I am such an introvert. He also talks nonstop. There are times that I just want to say "Please stop talking!!" but I never, ever would. It just gets so overwhelming.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by bnhmama

There are times that I just want to say "Please stop talking!!" but I never, ever would.

I don't say "Please stop talking" but I do say, "I am trying to concentrate on this right now and I can't concentrate on it and you at the same time. If you let me work on this for a few minutes, then I will be able to give you my full attention." It doesn't always work, but sometimes I get a few minutes.



Namaste!

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by homemademomma

i understand that this is a vent,a nd you are not really looking for solutions per se. but i have s 3yo ds who sounds SO much like your dd. i have found that helping ds form strong relationships with other trusted caregivers has been the BEST thing for all of us. nak, but we all benefit from forming relationships w/other people. your dd will learn things she cant learn from you, and will benefit from having more adults that she trusts and loves! there might be resistance from her at first but if we never did anything we didnt want to do we would miss out on so much, kwim?

She has relationships with other, trusted caregivers and lots of kids of all ages (hooray for homeschooling coops!). Lack of other relationships is not an issue. However, at this point in her development I must be within easy distance, so she can come and find me anytime she wants (she usually checks in with me every 5 to 10 minutes).

Thanks for sharing what has worked for your family, but that will not work for mine. Yes, she would eventually not cry and try to blend in, but at what enormous cost? FOR MY DAUGHTER, the lessons would be a) mama doesn't want to be around me anymore, b) I am supposed to fit in with these kids who are intellecutally years behind, c) I am supposed to be quiet and follow idiotic rules that are designed for crowd-control and not for my individual development, etc. etc. etc. Yes, she understands the concept of preschool/school and has NO desire to be there. I also don't want her there. She has needs -- gift, I suppose, really, that would be either ridiculed are snuffed.

Dharamama -- thanks again for sharing what works for you and yours. I will implement your suggestions pronto.

[CarrieMF]

Honestly, I think you're making excuses. It sounds like she needs more stimulation that you can give. Homeschooling is good, but it sounds like her needs are not being met by homeschooling. She is NOT going to think you don't want her around if you leave her in a playgroup, intellectually she may be ahead but it sounds like emotionally she isn't and could benefit from being around more kids her own age. The playgroups/schools we have been to are NOT making kids sit still and be quiet and these are regular public stuff. Have you looked into a montessori group where they are allowed to roam free and work at their level? Just because she is ahead on an intellectual level does not mean she can't benefit or won't play with kids her own age, younger or older.

Not only would it do her good to go into a playgroup more often(with the other homeschooling people you know so there is a varied age of kids) but since you are burnt out it would do you good too to have a bit of a break.

[Marsupialmom]

When your partner comes home go for a walk.....to the liquor store

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

Honestly, I think you're making excuses. It sounds like she needs more stimulation that you can give. Homeschooling is good, but it sounds like her needs are not being met by homeschooling. She is NOT going to think you don't want her around if you leave her in a playgroup, intellectually she may be ahead but it sounds like emotionally she isn't and could benefit from being around more kids her own age. The playgroups/schools we have been to are NOT making kids sit still and be quiet and these are regular public stuff. Have you looked into a montessori group where they are allowed to roam free and work at their level? Just because she is ahead on an intellectual level does not mean she can't benefit or won't play with kids her own age, younger or older.

Not only would it do her good to go into a playgroup more often(with the other homeschooling people you know so there is a varied age of kids) but since you are burnt out it would do you good too to have a bit of a break.

Excuses for what? What is it that you think I want besides doing what's best for my daughter?

She IS around kids her own age -- and kids of other ages -- often. I don't think you're getting that. We are far from isolated.

Yes, before we looked into homeschooling, we looked into Montessori. More than one. The kids in each school we looked at were not allowed to play with the set of things designed for older kids. So yes, they were allowed to wander around, etc., but there was still a limit on what they were allowed to absorb intellectually. WTF?

I think you have this vision that we are at home all day, every day. We are probably out more often, with more stimulation, than those kids who are sent off to preschool.

The issue is not stimulation really. She kas plenty of that. The issue is, bottom-line -- that she is naturally a high-needs kid (has been since birth) and I need a break during each day so that I can recharge. She is very happy with me, or when I'm close-by when we're out. She is a very happy kid, with lots of intellectual gifts and needs which I am doing a great job of fulfilling. The bottom-line issue is, again, that I need a break each day to recharge. I really like dharamama's suggestions and feel they will take care of my feeling burnt-out.

Maybe you have the whole "what about socialization" thing going on in your head? For that, I'll direct you to two of the gazillion related threads in Mothering:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=socialization

and

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=socialization

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

When your partner comes home go for a walk.....to the liquor store

I do go for a walk at the end of the day most days. That is a nice way to unwind. And yes, once I even went to a bar and had a beer.