please help regarding 4 year old and making faces

[RedWine]

A little background -- I am a first generation GDer. I've come a long, long way. Now I'm running up against something that really, really pushes my buttons:

My dd (age 4) makes mean and ugly faces at me in response to pretty much everything I say or do. She does this ALL. THE. TIME.

I have tried:
a) saying, "I don't like those faces, please stop."

b) saying, "Nice faces only, please."

c) asking her why she is making faces.

d) asking her if something is wrong.

e) redirecting.

f) sending her to her room (please no flames, I did this in anger and I know that is not a GD approach).

Nothing is working. These faces have been going on for over a month. They REALLY push my buttons, as they show a distinct lack of respect.

These past two days I have really lost it and yelled at her. Yelling doesn't work, either.

Suggestions, please? Can someone tell me what to do here? I am at a loss. Also, can someone please talk some sense into me so I do not become so angry?

Thanks, ladies.

[WuWei]

I imagine she is doing it *for* your reaction. Have you considered just addressing what you believe are her concerns and your needs without being attached to her 'not making faces'? I am of the philosophy of "If you make it an issue, it becomes an issue".

Another possibility is to defuse the face making by being silly together. If connection and engagement are what she desires, I'd work to create positive connection over the face making, rather than negative. And then offer her an alternative way to engage you, such as "mama, let's make funny faces together". And then meet that constructive request with playful engagement so that she understands the way that we can make faces playfully without imposing on others. Again the "tell what to do, rather than what not to do" works here.

Pat

[HollyBearsMom]

Tell her face will stick like that.
























Just kidding!!

I agree w/ the PP that she is looking for a reaction. Try not give her one by ignoring it and going on w/ the request or conversation.

You: Please go set the table
Her: nasty face
You: (Ignore) Oh, don't forget chopsticks because we are having Chinese food, or there are clean napkins in the laundry basket, etc
Her: ugh-another nasty face
You: Go back to what you are doing

If it keeps on going on just ignore it, leave the room if you need to. It might take a while but if it gets no reaction it most likely will stop. The other option is use humor. Start making your on faces

You: Please go set the table
Her: nasty face
You: OOOh tha is a horrible face. I can do better! (Make horrible face)
Her: gets mad
You: starting jumping around making faces saying look at me! look at me!
Her: start to giggle (hopefully)

[RedWine]

Thanks, Ladies. I have also tried doing the silly faces together approach.

I will try to ignore it from now on. It will be difficult for me, because it really does make me angry. But I do see and agree with your points.

[mamaduck]

Awesome suggestions! By ignoring it, or by making a game out of it -- you will deflate its purpose. It will stop when it no longer serves her purpose.

The expression on her face falls very distinctly into the catagory of "things you can't control." Also very distinctly into the catagory of "things she has power over." Which is something kids capitalize on because they lack power in so many other ways.

The fact that it presses your buttons makes it *your problem.* Its great that you recognize that you are being triggered. The next step is to work it out internally, without exerting control over her, so that it no longer affects you in the same way.

[georgia]

ITA For me, the biggest issue is uncovering why it is bothering me---what need of mine is going unmet? Is it respect? If so, I might consider reframing the facemaking into normal cause/effect experimentation on dd's part rather than disrespectful-she's trying-to-drive-me-crazy behavior I hope it blows over soon

[ShaggyDaddy]

I think a 4 year old is still learnign non-verbal communication. Reading and preparing facial expressions to show emotion is something we all do subconsciously all the time. For a young child, they are still learning. I would compare it to a toddler clapping to show excitement, I mean really are you really that excited? probably not, but we exagerate our expressions to them, so that is what they do to us.

I personally would acknowledge it as a way she is trying to communicate with you. When I scrunch up my eyebrows my DW asks me if I am o.k. when I sigh, my friend asks me if I am bored. If I do either of those in an exagerated way they will react negativly and say "Yeah I get it you are bored" or "Yes your majesty, can I help you" If you would prefer some other way of communicating I would acknowledge that the face lets you know what she is feeling and ask her to discuss it with you.

[mamaduck]

I do remember being four, and being told to "wipe that look" off my face, and having no idea what my parents were talking about. I was just not aware of my facial expressions.

[RedWine]

Thanks, mamaduck. Great points. I will take them to heart.

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by georgia

ITA For me, the biggest issue is uncovering why it is bothering me---what need of mine is going unmet? Is it respect? If so, I might consider reframing the facemaking into normal cause/effect experimentation on dd's part rather than disrespectful-she's trying-to-drive-me-crazy behavior I hope it blows over soon

Yes -- I agree this is MY issue, not hers. I needed to hear this from you wise mamas.