3yo who kicks and hits, but won't let me leave.

[ShadowMom]

I recently separated from my DS' father (and consequently had to go back to work, which has affected him deeply), so part of this might be adjustment/abandonment issues.

But, I am not sure how to handle this situation when it comes up.

Sometimes if DS gets really mad (could be tired, could just be pissy, you know, various things) he will try to hit or kick me. The first time or two I will tell him that I don't let people hit or kick me, and I need him to stop.

If he persists (and he is a big 3yo, it hurts, and it's specifically targeted at me) I will generally get up and try to leave the situation (go into another room). Then he follows me and tries to hit/kick me again, etc.

After 20 minutes or so of this I start to get REALLY mad and frustrated with him, and I need to be by myself for a minute or two so I can regroup and not say/do something I will regret.

But, he will not let me do this. He will just follow me to wherever I'm at, crying and upset, and will hit and kick me some more. Even if I just go ahead and pick him up and try to soothe him, he persists with the hitting .

I have explained during these situations that I really need to be alone for just a moment, because I'm mad (you can imagine how effective it is explaining this to someone who's already completely distraught or tantruming).

I am not sure what to do. A few nights ago our little cycle just kept up and I finally locked myself in the bathroom for a minute. He kicked the door and cried for me the whole time. But I felt I had to get away.

I think he already has some serious abandonment issues from me going back to work. : So I think that's part of why he's unable to leave me even for a moment (even when he's not upset, he is still that way).

But I am not sure how to break this cycle of hitting/kicking without feeding into his fear/feelings of abandonment (by trying to get him to leave me alone for a few minutes).

Any ideas?

[**guest**]

dd is the same (less and less, as she is older) but when she is mad she wants to hurt me, and doesn't want me to leave.

i think this is how she is reaching out, and expresses her hurt, and loving her at those moments works the best. i keep telling her that i love her, and keep on telling 'gentle hands, relax your body, gentle hug' and try to get her calm down sufficiently to cuddle with her and give her a hug. essentially i try to be as loving and calming as possible, and validate her desire to be close to me, while expressing her frustrations.

i know that sometimes this is very hard to do, as i do get angry if i get hurt, it is a natural reaction for me, especially if she manages to hit me hard, even if by accident.

i feel that if i start in the right frame of mind -- that she needs my love the most when she is acting the worst -- then i am more successful and more at peace.

[heartmama]

If you are feeling angry and need to cool down, take of that need as best you can. I agree that is one of those very difficult situations--and I don't think you have done anything wrong. It might just be more of the same for awhile, until he accepts your need for momentary respite. You may find in the moment that you boomerang the same response "You may not hit me. I am going into my room until you stop. You can go to your room until you stop", and then repeat that as needed until either you have regrouped, or he tires out. You can try moving him out of reach of your body, but realistically, it's just easier if you move yourself if he's that hysterical.

I am really sorry there isn't another adult there to intervene. That is rough.

I'm sure it was very upsetting for you both to have a locked door between you, but I don't think you need to feel badly over what happened. It is your job to keep everyone safe no matter how out of control a person is behaving...and you did that, without spanking or shaming him. I'm sure that doesn't feel like a proud moment, but really, so many parents couldn't have done what you did there. If it's easier to stay connected to your desire to parent him without violence by physically defining a safe spot for yourself in those awful moments, then do it. It would be much, much worse for him if you remained present and lost it.

I think it's very important to have a mantra in those moments, whatever that might be for you. Really focus on your love for him right then. Seriously, it helps him too.

And prevention. Prevention is so key. When those moments pass, when things are calm again, then snuggle and reassure him that you will always love him no matter how angry he feels. Role play together ways he can get angry without hurting you. Really put your attention on that, perhaps develop a secret "code word" that means "hit the sofa instead" when he starts to lose it.

[mamaduck]

I just wanted to add that you need to try to balance your insight and concern regarding stress in his life, with the fact that he might be going through this anyway! I mean that the things you are worried about might well be affecting him, and its worth noting -- but when you react to him, try not to assume or read in more trauma/anxiety than is really there. If you are feeling guilty, try to set that aside when you teach and guide him, because it really won't help.

My sons did what you describe at age 4. It was a matter of learning how to express a newly experienced range of understanding and emotion. We had to work a lot on verbal expression of feelings. Maybe you have a child who is ahead developmentally.

[gaialice]

Many, many three and four year olds go through a stage of hitting when mad(my dd1 did too), so I agree with PP it may have happened just as well, so no need to feel guilty when you did what was best for the two of you.
I totally second the idea of loving him up, focussing very hard on all the happy times you had with him and visualizing how still small and vulnerable he still is. Do not get away from him and do not let him kick you either, continue telling him that you love him, you understand he is mad and want to help him get calmer.
I think it is also a good idea to talk to him when he is not upset and tell him that you love him very much and you love him very much even when he is upset, but that you need to find a way how he can express his anger without hurting others. You may ask him where he would like to be when he is upset, like your bed, his bed, the sofa. You can offer to hold him or to just sit by him until he is calmer. What would help him calm down? Screaming, hitting a pilllow, breathing, being stroked... It might help for him to recognize - when he has lost all control of his own actions and he is feeling so fragile - that in fact this is a situation that has been anticipated and that there is a framework idea...