Having a hard time keeping my cool

[nova22]

I really don't know what's gotten into my children lately, but it has been really hard for me to handle their moods. They had one night a week ago when they stayed up really late because we were out, but after catching up on sleep, I can't imagine that it's what's causing this behavior. Everything else in their lives is the same, as far as I know.

My four year old DS and my three year old DD can be the best of friends one minute and then completely turn on each other. They had little spats in the past, as I'm sure most siblings do, but it has gotten really out of hand.

Earlier this evening DS was playing with trains. DD asked, "may I play too?" DS immediately snatched all the train pieces that were within her reach, and shouted "NO! These AREN'T FOR YOU!" She looked a little downcast but decided to keep watching instead of getting upset. She was sitting about a foot away from the tracks. When DS scooted past to move his trains, he purposely kicked her in the legs several times. She started crying and verbal guidance (from me) was not helping, so I picked her up and moved her next to me. We talked for a little while, then she went to the train drawer and got some different tracks to play with. DS actually helped her build a little track and they were playing really well. They moved on to the couch, where they piled the cushions on the floor (that is allowed in our house) and pretended to be frogs, jumping from the couch to the cushion pile. They were having a blast. But when DD fell off the cushion, she started screaming and kicking at DS. He retaliated by grabbing her shirt, pushing her to the floor, and pounding as hard as he could on her back.

During this whole incident, I was giving verbal guidance when applicable (reminding them to use "nice voices" when talking to each other, saying that yelling can hurt feelings, pointing out to one child when the other was upset to help them see how their actions/words affects the sibling's feelings, etc.). As I normally do, I try to let them work some things out on their own when I think they can handle it, and intervene if something begins to elevate or they can't come up with a reasonable solution. Usually that works really well with them, I don't know what's happened. :

Beyond that, I am completely lost. Like I mentioned in another post, I was an only child until I was 10, and we never got into physical combat with each other mainly because of the big age difference. I have no idea how to handle this gently; furthermore, I don't know what the root cause of this sudden onslaught of negative behavior is, and I don't know where they learned to physically hurt each other like that - is it innate?!? I don't know where they could have seen people doing that to each other.

Please be gentle with me, I'm so frustrated and lost right now.

[Magella]

I know what that's like. You know, I think siblings just get on each other's nerves sometimes. Mine seem to be going through a phase like this. I think that 1) it's easy to just take out any frustration and stress on siblings who are nearby, it's handy and 2) it's hard for kids to live closely with each other, they need to have private time and space (how much each child needs is different, and often they aren't in sync-so one wants to play but the other needs private time) and 3) at that age they're very much still learning how to handle their conflicts.

I think that no matter how wonderful a job you're doing (and it sounds like you are doing a great job), sometimes siblings are just going to have a hard time getting along. But the hitting, that really is problematic. I've found that it's best to make sure my kids have private time every day, time when they don't play with each other-even sometimes making sure they aren't in the same room. (This not only helps my kids get the private time they need, it helps me keep my sanity by preventing the squabbling that can get really loud and annoying to my ears, and gives me a break if they're in a phase where they need a lot of guidance.) If hitting is a phase someone is going through, we stay vigilant-keep them separate or closely supervised at all times. And sometimes distraction is a great tool, getting them thinking about something totally unrelated to the conflict can break the tension and turn the day (or hour) around. (I think a lot of kids hit without seeing others doing so, I think many kids just have aggressive urges-they communicate with their bodies when they can't access the words, and they use their bodies to exert power they feel they are lacking at the moment. It's that fight or flight response we all have when aroused to anger or fear, I think.)

Sometimes my kids just need some new tools, that can help in a frustrating phase of sibling conflict. One handy phrase my 3 year old is learning to use lately is "I need space" and she's learning to come get me if she asks for space and a sibling remains in her space. Sometimes this works really well, other times not so much. It's just a process, takes time. But it can be so frustrating.