Unconditional Scout Leading

[Patchfire]

Or something like that!

I refuse to use punitive discipline systems in my Girl Scout troop. The problem is... only my dd is used to 'my' way of doing things. If the girls come to me with a problem, I try to talk them through it: "Who is impacted by this? You and So-and-so. I would like you to calming tell so and so how you feel and what you need." This inevitably seems to go straight to "You are BAD because you..." You you you you. These are first and second grade girls and I only have them for an hour a week - not enough time to revamp their entire approach to things. Any great tips for QUICKLY imparting some wisdom - the idea being that I don't have to 'discipline,' but rather teach them to work conflict out between themselves. Help!

[georgia]

Perhaps a brief chat about personal responsibility for their own feelings, needs and actions? Mentioning how labeling someone as "bad" is most likely to hurt feelings rather than solve problems. Namecalling is getting in the way of understanding each other...oh, and the whole "I statement" approach to conflict resolution might be fairly quick to explain And that you trust them and believe they are capable of working things out together. HTH some

I remember being a Brownie

[mamaduck]

Patchfire -- what sort of scenerio are you talking about? Is this when a child misbehaves in some way (breaks a rule?) Or are you talking about disputes/disagreements/fights/bickering between scouts?

I really think that getting in the middle by trying to coach them through the process is counter productive. Particularly for normal kid bickering. (If someone is truly very angry, it might be worth helping them to express those feelings and deal with them -- but I'm guessing that you are dealing more with run of the mill normal spats and drama.)

For normal bickering, I think they will learn to work it out independently by doing just that -- working it out independently. Once you put yourself in the role of negotiator, they will be vying to get you on their side instead of actually trying to come to any terms.

If they are going to hurt each other physically or using very rude language, then I would separate them, and ask them to "hold" their dispute until a later time because it is affecting the group.

If it is only a matter of disrupting the group, I would give the kids in question the choice to separate into a dyad, away from the group, to try to work it out, or to "hold" their disput until later and sit apart from each other in the meantime. You might give the other group memebers a chance to voice their feelings about the disruption -- sometimes kids can "hear" each other much more readily than they can "hear" the adult leader. "I wish you two would just knock it off so that we can have fun," might be something a child could learn from, if it comes from a peer.

If you want to work on teaching them self-expression and negotiation skills, then I would approach that as a "lesson" that is independent of personal roles and strong feelings. Of course, strong feelings could arise in the course of the disscussion -- and that is okay.

[Patchfire]

It's mainly bickering amongst the group, but also 'normal' things in a large group of girls - talking while other people are talking, that sort of thing. The main problem with the bickering is that it does disrupt the entire group, and since most of these girls have micro-managing parents, they ALL stop whatever we're doing, and look at me to "comfort" one girl and "punish" the other. Further, I've actually gotten a couple of comments that make me think a few of the girls can't see why they should not talk while others are talking or whatever, because there's no "consequence" if they don't follow through. These are great girls but I'm frustrated because they're already conditioned (at six, seven, and eight) to only do something because of the potential punishment if they don't.

When I leave them to work bickering out on their own... well. My standard response is "This does not affect me. You need to talk to the person/people involved." Then they start yelling at each other, rather than talking. At which point we have to separate them and they glare at each other for five minutes. Because we meet at my home, I don't have an option of sending girls outside the room to chat. (Okay, I could, but I like the stuff that's in the next room, and the typical offenders are also the ones who will rummage through my stuff - another issue, I know.)

It's very frustrating to my co-leader, as well, even though she's not GD...

[mamaduck]

Hmm. Have the girls participated in setting the ground rules? Kids (well, people in generall, really) are more likely to buy into a set of rule if they have helped to set them. Maybe you did this already, but how about having the girls set some groundrules, have them right them up on a poster board, and hang it in the room where you meet? Perhaps even take 5 min. at the beginning of each meeting to go over it again. I'm thinking you could steer them in the direction of make rules like, "Take turns talking." or "Wait your turn to talk."

Help them restate "don't" rules into "do" rules, KWIM? If you frame a rule in the positive, its easier to follow, and you focus on what is positive instead of what is negative.

Another thought -- with 2 leaders, you could break up into two smaller groups. Smaller groups might be much easier to manage.

[EnviroBecca]

Smaller groups often help. Particularly for brainstorming or other discussion, I like to split the troop into groups of no more than 6 and have each group make a list of their ideas, or collect facts about a sub-topic and make a poster, or whatever, and return to the full troop with their "report".

We improved interpersonal relations in our troop last year by earning the Try-Its "Working It Out" and "People Are Talking". All that conscious thinking about how we say things and how that affects others rubbed off on the girls' general behavior, and I think that being given opportunities to role-play the "wrong" way to do things got some of it out of their systems.

We also made great strides with "Ashley", whose volatile moods had been very disruptive, by twice presenting an issue she'd had at the previous meeting to the group as a problem to solve. The first time, she'd felt wounded by other girls' behavior, so we talked about how we could make it up to her. The second time, she'd railed against a troop policy as "unfair", so we talked about what should be our policy and why, ultimately settling on a moderate revision. Ashley appreciated feeling heard and both times seemed thrilled by the realization that her initial reaction had been the "wrong way" and that there was a better way to address and resolve each problem!

"I would like you to calming tell so and so how you feel and what you need." This inevitably seems to go straight to "You are BAD because you..."

"Stop. Tell her how YOU feel." Make sure you use "I" statements when disciplining, too, for example: "I get upset when you interrupt me. I have lots to tell you about fun things we're going to do. I want everyone to be able to hear. I get frustrated when people ask questions that I already answered when they weren't listening." ()

When in doubt, invoke the Girl Scout Law! Ask a girl who is misbehaving, "Are you being considerate and caring?" or whichever part of the Law is most relevant. "What could you do that would be more considerate and caring?" If girls ask what is the punishment for breaking the Law (I have had this question!), explain that the Law is a matter of personal integrity: You will do your best at all these things because you are a good person and these are the right things to do. If someone else is breaking the Law, that doesn't mean you get to break it back at her; it motivates you to try even harder to do your best.

If you have problems with particular pairs of girls getting into it again and again, and/or cliques or strong pairs of best friends, I recommend random assignment (draw names) every time you split into pairs or smaller groups. Being forced to work with everyone at one time or another helps them find ways to appreciate each other.

Good luck!