??? re: having unsupportive family member at midwife meeting...

[veganmomma]

Ok, here's the deal. We decided a few weeks ago to do a homebirth. MIL isn't happy so we decided to do an information meeting with MIL so that she can feel better about dh and I making this decision. I am ONLY doing this for her. I will have dh's twin sister there as she will be at the birth, and she's in the medical field as well and can help chill out MIL if need be.

Now, my OTHER SIL who I don't get along with and who seems to hate my guts for SOME reason has gotten the idea that she's been invited to this meeting. I do not want her there, but dh says he doesn't understand my reasoning. He thinks that it would be ok for her to be there as an educational thing for her. I personally could not give a cr*p if she's edcuated or not. She's been going on another message board and lying about things regarding me and my birth. And quite frankly I don't want to spend any time with her I don't have to. And on top of that she hasn't asked me ANYTHING about this birth or homebirth, she goes behind my back asking dh's twin and my MIL when things are and stuff like that.

So, my question is....Am I being unreasonable about not having her there? My midwife and some of my friends completely support me in this, but I'm just wondering what you all think?

[Yo Becca]

This is YOUR meeting with YOUR midwife - unless you announced it at a family dinner as an open invitation, I don't know why your SIL would assume she is invited. I assume you asked your MIl to come and your other SIL. If this SIL isn't in anyway involved in your birthplans (like, watching other DC, doing some task related to the birth), I see no reason for her to come. She will likely have questions or things she wants to talk about, but if answering her questions isn't a goal for you, I wouldn't have her there. Is there a reason your DH wants her there? if not, her assumption that she should come does not equal a valid reason.

Personally, I would act as though she's not invited, when you talk about it with MIL and the other SIL, talk about the meeting with just them. You didn't invite her - it's not your responsibility to un-invite her.

[ColoradoMama]

Originally Posted by Yo Becca

Personally, I would act as though she's not invited, when you talk about it with MIL and the other SIL, talk about the meeting with just them. You didn't invite her - it's not your responsibility to un-invite her.

: You're not being unreasonable.

[Gray's Mommy]

Originally Posted by Yo Becca

This is YOUR meeting with YOUR midwife - unless you announced it at a family dinner as an open invitation, I don't know why your SIL would assume she is invited. I assume you asked your MIl to come and your other SIL. If this SIL isn't in anyway involved in your birthplans (like, watching other DC, doing some task related to the birth), I see no reason for her to come. She will likely have questions or things she wants to talk about, but if answering her questions isn't a goal for you, I wouldn't have her there. Is there a reason your DH wants her there? if not, her assumption that she should come does not equal a valid reason.

Personally, I would act as though she's not invited, when you talk about it with MIL and the other SIL, talk about the meeting with just them. You didn't invite her - it's not your responsibility to un-invite her.

:

[saratchka]

Assuming that she is your DH's sister, it doesn't surprise me that she expects to be welcome at a meeting that both her mother and sister have been invited to, regarding the birth of her niece or nephew to be. This does *not* mean that you have to, or even should include her. But it's somewhat understandable that she is assuming that she's included.

This is just my advice, take it for whatever it's worth to you.

Here's how I would handle "uninviting" her. (And, though it may not be your responsibility, I would uninvite her, if only for your own sake. You don't want her showing up at the meeting because she didn't take the hint!)

I'd work this out with your DH first. Explain that you think she'll be a negative influence at the meeting and make it harder for your MIL to become comfortable with the idea of homebirth. If he shares your goals for this meeting, that should be important to him. If this is his sister, it's pretty critical to have him on your side before taking a public stand.

Has she specifically told you she's planning to come, or have you just heard this through the grapevine?

If she's told you she's coming, I'd contact her directly and explain that you're sorry she misunderstood, but you're only having people directly involved with the birth attend the meeting. If she has any questions you're more than happy to answer them for her and/or provide informational materials for her to read on the topic.

If you've just heard from others that she's planning to attend, I'd mention to them first that you're planning the meeting to include just those who will be directly involved with the birth and ask whether they think you should contact her to explain that. Perhaps they will offer to intercede, especially if they're the ones that gave her the impression she was invited. At worst, you'll still have to tell her yourself, but it cost you nothing to check and see if they'd do it for you.

This is all JMO, of course!

However you decide to handle it, good luck!

[veganmomma]

Originally Posted by Yo Becca

If this SIL isn't in anyway involved in your birthplans (like, watching other DC, doing some task related to the birth), I see no reason for her to come. She will likely have questions or things she wants to talk about, but if answering her questions isn't a goal for you, I wouldn't have her there. Is there a reason your DH wants her there? if not, her assumption that she should come does not equal a valid reason.

Personally, I would act as though she's not invited, when you talk about it with MIL and the other SIL, talk about the meeting with just them. You didn't invite her - it's not your responsibility to un-invite her.

She is definitely not involved in any part of my plans for this birth. She's been telling people that she is. She's telling people that she's going to be watching my kids, but I've never asked her to do that and I haven't even asked MIL to. Both kids have expressed interest in being at the birth and I will have people here to attend to them if need be.
I probably will just email her a note explaining that she isn't invited. DH doesn't want her there, he just doesn't understand why I don't want her there to help her be more informed. They funny thing is I told both MIL & SIL that she's not invited before any of this came up. MIL asked me point blank if SIL was invited and lo and behold suddenly SIL's planning on being there. I have a feeling that MIL wants someone else there on her side, b/c she told dh's twin( and yes the two SIL are dh's sisters)that I ambushed her when I told her we were having a homebirth...which was totally NOT the case.

Originally Posted by saratchka

Assuming that she is your DH's sister, it doesn't surprise me that she expects to be welcome at a meeting that both her mother and sister have been invited to, regarding the birth of her niece or nephew to be. This does *not* mean that you have to, or even should include her. But it's somewhat understandable that she is assuming that she's included.
Here's how I would handle "uninviting" her. (And, though it may not be your responsibility, I would uninvite her, if only for your own sake. You don't want her showing up at the meeting because she didn't take the hint!)

I'd work this out with your DH first. Explain that you think she'll be a negative influence at the meeting and make it harder for your MIL to become comfortable with the idea of homebirth. If he shares your goals for this meeting, that should be important to him. If this is his sister, it's pretty critical to have him on your side before taking a public stand.

Has she specifically told you she's planning to come, or have you just heard this through the grapevine?

If she's told you she's coming, I'd contact her directly and explain that you're sorry she misunderstood, but you're only having people directly involved with the birth attend the meeting. If she has any questions you're more than happy to answer them for her and/or provide informational materials for her to read on the topic.

If you've just heard from others that she's planning to attend, I'd mention to them first that you're planning the meeting to include just those who will be directly involved with the birth and ask whether they think you should contact her to explain that. Perhaps they will offer to intercede, especially if they're the ones that gave her the impression she was invited. At worst, you'll still have to tell her yourself, but it cost you nothing to check and see if they'd do it for you.

This is all JMO, of course!

However you decide to handle it, good luck!

THanks to everyone for your ideas!

I had a talk with dh tonight and he's 100% behind me on uninviting her. I really don't want her here at all. She's such a negative person, and while I'm not actually going to be giving birth Friday night I don't want the negativity from her to have any chance to start seeping my way. I'm only less that 5 weeks from my due date, and I want to focus on the positive.

She posted on another message board that she was coming to my meeting and also asked my other SIL what time the meeting was set for, which information my SIL didn't give her. She, the SIL invited to the meeting, suggested that I email her and let her know that she isn't invited. So, that's what I'm planning on doing.

I hope I made any sense. And thanks to all you guys for replying. DH was just making me doubt my own reasoning for not wanting her there. But he did say that maybe it's just a girl thing and is totally supporting me on this now.

[pamamidwife]

I'm so glad you did this! Right on, mama!

[mamaverdi]

Good for you!

[rere]

It's such a personal thing.I'm so glad that you're not going to let her bust in on your private meeting.

[Full Heart]

Wow, you are such a good person for even setting up an appt with your mw and your mil! I couldn't care less how my mil felt about my births . I think its a very generous thing for you to do. As far as your sil is concerned, she can go gather her own info if she is online. It doesn't sound like she wants to be there for info gathering purposes.

[momto l&a]

I personally wouldn't be inviting ANYBODY to a meeting with my mw.

I don't need to make anybody feel good or whatever about having a hb.

YOU have decided that YOU want a hb so go with it enjoy it and forget the people who don't like it! They don't matter. Only you and your dh must feel that hb is the right thing for your family.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by saratchka

If she's told you she's coming, I'd contact her directly and explain that you're sorry she misunderstood, but you're only having people directly involved with the birth attend the meeting.

Wait, does that mean that the MIL in question is coming to the birth?