Caring for do's of parents who spank

[PaxMamma]

we have friends who spank "on occasion". now, i'm steadily trying to influence them out of that behavior. however, i sometimes watch their children and the first ? they always ask when they pick up their kiddos is "did they behave?" i always say something like, 'oh, we had a great time." which is often met w/ "are you sure? i WANT you to tell me if he didn't."

first of all, it's as though they're expecting their kids to misbehave. we've never had a problem and don't think we will, but what if there is? i'm afraid of telling them the kids were anything but angels for fear they'll get spanked. i don't want to lie to the parents, but what if something happens that i can't avoid telling them?

i had this same dilemma when i was a teacher. anyone else deal w/this?

[4evermom]

Maybe you could say something like "Well, we had a bit of a problem but we sat down together and came up with solution that satisfied everyone." That sort of statement could be about two kids wanting the same toy or fighting or a ton of other things.

[mamatoady]

I really like pp response and I'd use it.

How old are the kids? Of all the spankers I know, none of them would spank the child (to my knowledge/instinct) way after the fact. Usually they do it to get the child to do xy & z. It would be pretty pointless to spank later in the day. This would seem especially true for a small child....but I can't see you writing this post if it was a 9 year old.

then again, I don't spank, so maybe some moms/dads spank their kids when they find out their child didn't sleep at daycare? I dunno:

sarah

[mavery]

How old are the children? I've had that kind of question from a friend who doesn't spank, but who views her son's behaviour quite differently than I would. This child is 4 and I can't imagine casting the things he does as "misbehaviour" - sure, sometimes he does something that's not safe or appropriate, or he doesn't do something I ask him to do and I deal with it as I see fit, usually through some kind of negotiation, finding an alternative way to satisfy whatever it is he wanted to do. When she asks me if he "behaved" I have no problem saying yes, even if some of the things he did might have been regarded differently by her.

Also, in my experience, most kids don't do the kind of power-struggle, directly defiant "misbehaviour" when they're not with their own parents - because they don't need to. Any problems that arise are far more likely to be due to them not understanding the "rules" in your house, or being overexcited and less careful or thoughtful than they might be. And I think for children of any age I wouldn't consider that to be "misbehaviour". So you might never have to face this issue.

[PaxMamma]

we both have two boys, 3 and 1ish. we definitely have different definitions of "misbehavior". when she thinks her son is being "bad", i think he's just being 3, totally age appropriate. and i don't think kids can/should be perfect all the time (actually, no one is but she seems to demand absolute perfection.

[mommy2abigail]

I would tell them exactly what you wrote. That you feel very uncomfortable telling on the kids for fear that they will get spanked. And that that is probably how the kids feel x 10. That there are many different ways to solve or resolve problems, without resorting to hitting. I would be very upfron with them. But that depends on what your relationship is with them, and how you think they would handle it. HTH

[PaxMamma]

they are very open to learning new parenting skills. she actually asked to borrow my copy of UP! so maybe this won't be a concern much longer w/this particular couple, but we have the same siutation w/a some other friends.

[warriorprincess]

I have this issue with working in my church nursery. There have been a few kids, even if the kids had slapped me and torn up the place,I would not tell the parents for fear of the spanking. Other kids, I make sure to take care of it- often by dialougue- with some parents, it's better for me to have given a kid a time out or an older kid, lines, so it's taken care of than for the kid to get a whupping in the car. I work hard to tailor discipline of individual kids to their parents philosophies. It sounds like you're talking of younger kids, though.

[mcng]

Most parents that do spank do it in the moment, I seriously doubt they'll spank their kids when they get home for something they did in someone else's house. But just in case you can tell them you talked about it and everything was fine.

[lara1828]

Hmm..I watch some friends' children on occasion and I never report misbehavior. Generally, I've dealt with it and it's over. It seems like "telling" on the child would undermine his trust in me and not really accomplish anything constructive.

I suppose it's possible I'd talk to the parent if I had an ongoing issue that was really problematic, but I'd probably approach it sideways, if you know what I mean (i.e. "boy, my dc is doing a lot of grabbing lately, how do you handle that with your dc?" out of earshot, of course. Wait, that just an example, I wouldn't usually consider grabbing really problematic).

In fact, I did once have a child I was watching on a regular basis expressing a lot of anger (bad words, pushing, etc.). I knew he was having a stressful time at home, so I never mentioned it to his mom - I thought it would just add to the stress. It passed.

[PaxMamma]

i don't "tell" on the kids, but when it's the first question when they come in the door, i'm addressed w/it up front.

[lara1828]

My pp got interrupted by a needful baby, so wasn't as polished as I would like.

My friend does ask when she comes to pick up her ds if he "was good." I always say something general and positive even if there was an "incident" of some sort. Again, I just can't see what would be gained by repeating something to her that is over and done with. I want the child to feel that he can trust me to be fair - embarrassing him or getting him in trouble a second time for whatever happened wouldn't be so.

I reread your original post, it seems you're concerned about lying to the parents. I wouldn't consider it lying to have dealt with, forgiven, and forgotten a normal sort of kid behavior (which is not always perfect).

Short of a black eye on yourself or the house burned to the ground, what couldn't you avoid telling them?