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Should you tell your child.. - Page 2

post #21 of 104
i say no because of my own personal experiences. i could not carry a tune if it was a bucket, i literally could not tell you what instrument is playing in any song, just NO musical talent. BUT in the 1st grade i wanted to sing 'i'm proud to be an american' at the school talent show' and i did iin front of 200 people and they all clapped for me and i thought i did a terrific job, years later seeing the tape you can tell that the pianist was having a hard time keeping up with me because sometimes i sang slooooow and sometimes really really fast .

2nd example; i love to dance and have taken Jazz and tap lessons for years and always participated in the recital every year. i always did okay could keep up with the routines but i NEVER knew that the music in background had something to do with the dance moves (my mom can relate an argument we got in about how i was convinced the music was totally unrelated) but you know what, i had a ball in dance class! so anyways, you can take away whatever you like from my stories just know that i was always a very confident kid.
post #22 of 104
My mom always said "it's not HOW you sing, it's THAT you sing." In my family, I couldn't even tell you who has a worse voice - mine, my mother's, or my father's. Well, I guess I'm going to go with my dad's.

Anyway, I would have been crushed if my mom told me I was a horrible singer. Obviously she never told me I was a good singer, either, cause I never had any such illusions.

I don't see the point unless a kid was actually submitting an application to American Idol or whatever.

Kids should sing. They should sing rhymes and sing along to CDs and they should sing in the choir and so on. They shouldn't feel embarrassed.

I don't see the point in telling a kid they can't sing. You bring up American Idol, how many kids perform on there every year anyway? Do you think your kid is likely to? Do you think you need to tell your kid they can't sing "just in case" they apply to perform on AI?

What if your kid had a hook nose or was 5 pounds overweight or something? Do you make sure to tell them they aren't "that" attractive, just in case they think about being Miss America?

Do you make sure to tell your kid they aren't "that" athletic, just in case they are dreaming of becoming the next Michael Jordan?

Sure, you protect them from the judgement of others before they actually take that leap, but no need to protect ALL kids from the very, very low chance that they will try to compete on a national level on their talent.

You may think this is unrelated, but my mom told me when I was a kid that my fat stomach made me look like I was pregnant. I was a thin kid who didn't have abs of steel, ok? When I actually "was" pregnant (started out at 119 pounds) and got a big belly I suddenly was able to enjoy my belly for the first and only time - I could wear a bathing suit, or a tight outfit. I'm not preggers anymore, so I'm back to covering a belly that probably looks perfectly normal. But my mom's words stuck with me for life.

Don't make your kid embarrased to sing, even alone in the car along to the radio, for the rest of his or her life just in case they are thinking about American Idol!!!!!!!!!!!
post #23 of 104
Now where would William Hung be if his mother had told him he sucked?

Just kidding. I think I would not encourage with false praise, but not discourage either. I also would get them voice lessons if they really loved singing.
post #24 of 104
Quote:
So many people on American Idol actually think that they can really sing well. It amazes me that not even their friends have told them that they are not particularly talented in singing. I mean so many of them are absolutely horrible singers. I think it's actually mean to let them make fools of themselves. If that happened to me, I would ask my friends/family why they didn't tell me the truth.
I think a lot of it, A LOT of it, is that people may be wonderful singers when they aren't scared to death. But singing in front of Simon, Paula and Randy (and wasn't Jewel there last night, too?) scares the pants off them. This is why I never made it in any high school musicals. I could sing in the car, in front of my parents, in front of my friends, in front of my mirror But I couldn't do it in front of an audience, or even the director of the play.

Now, to the subject at hand....my mom is a pretty decent artist. She went to art and design school after high school, but didn't graduate because my grandfather got hurt and she had to get a full time job to help with finances. Anytime I brought something home from art class, she'd tell me how I could ahve done it better.

Eventually, after art class, I'd just take whatever I'd made and wad it up in a heap in the bottom of my bookbag. I know now that I was secretly hoping my mom, who cleaned out my bookbag every night, would find it and figure out what was wrong. But no, she never said anything. She'd unwad them and tell me how I could have done it better.

I avoid most artistic pursuits like the plague now. I don't even like to color or draw with my daughter.

In high school, when I was in my school's chorus, and was up for a solo (which ended disastrously because of my aforementioned inability to sing solo in public ) I was singing the solo part for my mother and she told me it wasn't good enough and this is how I should do it. And then she butchered the song.

That was my senior year and I abandoned all vocal pursuits in college, despite my aunt, who had been a vocalist herself, telling me I should "do something" with my voice.

I'm not blaming anything on my mom. I really think she was just trying to help me excel at the things I'd chosen to do. But she really could have gone about it a bit differently.

No, I wouldn't give my daughter false praise. But I wouldn't be too hard on her, either. And I refuse to EVER tell my children that they "CAN'T" do something. The word isn't in my vocabulary. If it's something she's committed to, she certainly CAN. And I'll help anyway I can.
post #25 of 104
Quote:
I wouldn't tell them they were BAD at it, but I also wouldn't give them false hope by complimenting their talents, etc.
I agree.

I think you can tell your child they don't have the talent for something without coming right out and saying it.

If I make a huge fuss about how great she is at X, but don't say too much when she does Y, the message comes across that she is better at X. Without coming out and hurting her feelings by saying "you stink at Y".

I think the problem is when parents praise EVERYTHING their child does, no matter how good or bad it is.
post #26 of 104
Slightly OT....but I was struck by the one 16 year old kid who was turned down, went outside, started crying, and then said "But I wanted to start out famous!" and his Mom patted his back and said "you will be famous. you will be."

Um, is that really a realistic goal? Just to be 'famous'??? Eh, I"m not wording this exactly how I want it - but it just struck me that even more than wanting to sing, etc, etc, he wanted to be famous, and AI does seem to attract that. Kinda sad imo.
post #27 of 104
Here was/is my situation I have a 15yr old who is a big muscular kid 6ft & 170 who plays football ( 9th grade) He starts as a defensive end and center. All through is junior league years he was really good. My 12 yr old isnt built like that he is more a runners build but he loves football to. Now if he grows 6 inches and gains 50lbs he could be really good but as it is he is average. He asked what I though about him playing highschool football in 2 yrs. I told him if he really wanted to it would be great but if he wanted to check out the cross country track I thought he would be really good at that too since he usually has the best time when running the mile in PE.

I mean I didnt want to say .... YES play football I think you'd be great because unless he grows ALOT he will get crushed and maybe get 2nd or 3rd string. IF he chooses to run I know he will be good and get to have more participation time.

Yes I would tell my children if they needed to redirect their efforts.
post #28 of 104
I wouldn't discourage my child from singing especially if he loved it, and I'd let him know that *I* liked to hear him sing, but I would not fill him with false hopes like many parents on AI and SYTYCD do. Everyone remember Dave Kenneth Soller?
post #29 of 104
False hopes. Yes, exactly.
post #30 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tapioca View Post
Slightly OT....but I was struck by the one 16 year old kid who was turned down, went outside, started crying, and then said "But I wanted to start out famous!" and his Mom patted his back and said "you will be famous. you will be."

Um, is that really a realistic goal? Just to be 'famous'??? Eh, I"m not wording this exactly how I want it - but it just struck me that even more than wanting to sing, etc, etc, he wanted to be famous, and AI does seem to attract that. Kinda sad imo.
That is exactly the situation I was going to bring up! Why oh why would that mother comfort her son by telling him he would be famous??? That's just demented in my opinion - the first thing I thought of was the profile for mass murderers that I saw on PBS once - young men who have the "go west young man and make your way" idiology - then for whatever reason their expectations aren't met and they go and shoot up a McDonalds. (That is obviously the condensed version.)

Couldn't she have said something more comforting and realistic, like sayyyy "fame isn't everything - you're great in my book and your family loves you". The false praise is just so so wrong.

Also - I don't think my dd has the best singing voice - but I think she should try whatever she wants to. If she wants to sing in a talent show I'm only going to encourage her. It's good for her to have confidence and to learn what it's like to be on stage. Would I tell her she's got a better voice than the others in the competition? No. Also - she can hear and she knows a good singer when she hears one.
post #31 of 104
The real issue is not that you should tell your child they are bad at singing, but why judge their singing at all?
post #32 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2tadpoles View Post
On a show like American Idol, it has a lot to do with it.
Actually, it has a lot more to do with looks...that much is obvious.

I was referring to younger children than appear on American Idol, fwiw.
post #33 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tapioca View Post
Slightly OT....but I was struck by the one 16 year old kid who was turned down, went outside, started crying, and then said "But I wanted to start out famous!" and his Mom patted his back and said "you will be famous. you will be."

Um, is that really a realistic goal? Just to be 'famous'??? Eh, I"m not wording this exactly how I want it - but it just struck me that even more than wanting to sing, etc, etc, he wanted to be famous, and AI does seem to attract that. Kinda sad imo.
i thought the exact same thing and thought "what on earth is missing from these kids' lives?" maybe a stretch but it sounds like perhaps some of these people (not all, obviously, maybe just a mere few) are yearning for attention so badly that they want nothing more than to "be famous" to fill some void in their life. i think some would enter any competition for any talent just to be given a shot at getting some attention. it made me really sad.
post #34 of 104
I think most of the people with really over-the-top reactions are faking. I really do. The "I want to be famous" guy, Lion Girl, the first girl who loved Jewel, and the Biggest AI Fan - all seemed very fake to me.

I don't think I'd ever tell my child she wasn't good at something, but I also wouldn't encourage her to put all her efforts into something she obviously just wasn't cut out for. You don't do your kids any favors when you buy into or feed their unrealistic dreams. I am seeing this with a few younger kids I know right now - the pagent girl who is never going to make it as a model, no matter how many "model conventions" and expensive photo sessions her mom pays for (at the expense of things like oh say, the light bill) and the pretty-good-for-local football player who is never going to play pro (or even college) but has totally ignored his education because, hey, he's going to be on Cribs one day!

I think this is the kind of issue that's a bigger deal in a small town. There are SO MANY moms here trying to groom baby pop stars, little pro ballers, or child models. If your child is just entering local tallent shows for fun, GREAT! EVERYONE should do what they enjoy for the fun of it!!! However, if your short unphotogenic kid is skipping class to go to modeling conventions, you have a problem.
post #35 of 104
Quote:
i think some would enter any competition for any talent just to be given a shot at getting some attention.
This is very true. If you watch many of these shows (or just keep up vai something like televisionwithoutpity), so many of these people have been on multiple unrealted "reality" shows. I think it's just a drive for fame, and if you have no tallent - well, there are always dating shows and Big Brother. I mean, when comics from Last Standing show up on AI...

On the first season of AI, there was a girl who had washed out on both seasons of Pop Idol and that All American show with Geri Halliwell.

All this to say, I think so many of these people are trying to fill huge voids where their self-worth ought to be.
post #36 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by boingo82
I wouldn't discourage my child from singing especially if he loved it, and I'd let him know that *I* liked to hear him sing, but I would not fill him with false hopes like many parents on AI and SYTYCD do.
ITA. The one young man that juggled last night while he sang was truly awful, but what was even more awful was him crying to his mom (I assume?) and his mom saying, "You will be famous. Do you hear me? You will be famous." I'm not saying he won't, but his fame won't be b/c of his voice or dancing abilities (or juggling for that matter). Encouraging is one thing, but really pushing for something that is unattainable is sad. And that's what I see many folks doing on shows like AI.
post #37 of 104
I wouldn't feed into the false hopes that you see on AI (I've only watched it once, but I assume it was a fairly typical episode). I'll admit that I hadn't thought about the effect of nerves on the voice, which is funny, as I can't sing in public at all and I'm an okay singer when nobody can hear me.

But, I would never, ever, ever tell my child that they can't do something. I don't think adults realize how much power we often have over a child's dreams and self-image. When I was in fifth grade, our art class had to do a pencil sketch of one of the girls in our class. Then, our teacher showed them all to everyone on the overhead projector. I took one look at my "awful" sketch and never tried to draw anything again. I look back now, and my sketch was just like everyone else's - a first attempt by someone with no particular talent...but it wasn't a first attempt by somebody who was completely untalented.

I joined a choir in September. This is the first time I've sung in front of anyone but my spouse or my kids since I was 12. There's another woman in the choir who told me on the first night that she was told in grade three that she shouldn't sing out loud at choir, because she was so bad. She didn't sing again, and is now in the choir to just enjoy singing. This is a new thing for her...and she's at least 50.

I don't want my children to publicly humiliate themselves on AI...but I don't want them to be that lady in my choir, or even me, either.
post #38 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnysideup View Post
The real issue is not that you should tell your child they are bad at singing, but why judge their singing at all?
Well I guess it really depends of if they're just singing around the house or are an older child that wants to make a career out of it or go on national television, like in the case of AI. Because if they are putting themselves out there, someone IS going to be judging them. And if that's the case, which is better, being told gently by mom that your not AI material but are really amazing at whatever that child's particular strengths are, or being insulted and humiliated on national television? Personally, I'd choose being told oplitely by someone that cares about me.
post #39 of 104
but singing is so subjective. I can't stand Mariah Carey's voice, yet she is supposedly such an "amazing singer".


g,
another raspy tom waits fan.
post #40 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikel1979 View Post
Well I guess it really depends of if they're just singing around the house or are an older child that wants to make a career out of it or go on national television, like in the case of AI. Because if they are putting themselves out there, someone IS going to be judging them. And if that's the case, which is better, being told gently by mom that your not AI material but are really amazing at whatever that child's particular strengths are, or being insulted and humiliated on national television? Personally, I'd choose being told oplitely by someone that cares about me.
I think kids get to that place by being hit with the constant false praise from their parents. It's the 3yo that can't just sing around the house without being told "you're such a good singer!" that grows into the older child humiliating himself on AI.
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