Weekly Thread ~ Jan 17-23rd - Page 2

[wombatclay]

Oh WhiteWax- that's horrible. I mean it...I don't know either of you IRL obviously, and relationships are such a huge hot button...but I've worked in women's shelters and I've heard your story before. This isn't a healthy situation for anyone, and without some changes happening it's going to remain unhealthy for you and your dd.

Would he consider seeing a counselor with you? There are some really wonderful family therapists out there, and many city/county services that provide counseling for free or reduced costs depending on income. So don't let cost stop you.

Please. (and feel free to tell me to mind my own beeswax, but really...your story sounds so familiar and these things just don't get better on their own, no matter how much you talk or want to talk with your partner. In some cases they NEED to hear it from someone else)

Big hugs mama...I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now...

[Jilian]

WhiteWax, I'm sorry he's so insensitive. It must be hard for you to deal with. I agree that therapy sounds like a good idea. He's setting a bad example for your child. You don't deserve to be treated like that and something has to be done to stop that behavior.

[WhiteWax]

the main thing I suppose is that he's not mean or malicious in the things he says... I'm a very sensitive person to begin with and being preggers certainly doesn't help...

When I mention the weight thing too it's not like I'm thin and he thinks I'm chuncky... I AM chunky (lol) (241 right now and only gain 6 lbs with pregnancy)...

I'm not trying to justify, just explain I suppose.... I would like to try the therepy thing, lol not sure he "could find the time", though he might try to make it. We are young still (22 each) and I just wish he could GROW UP and see what he has... I think i'm a pretty good catch! lol he's just making life miserable so it's hard to be a the "chipper cheerful" girl he use to know when he does nothing to make me chipper or chearful.

I dont get time to myself other than here and even now I need to be packing. we are moving Sunday and he was out of town Mon -Wed... worked all day Thurs, had the party at night and now is working today from 8am-about 9pm... they are having a "New Member Party" at the gym... I'm a "NEW MEMBER" and the psuedo"wife" of the assistant manager and I was neither invited nor told about it untill mid-fight last night.

Guys I'm really sorry to rant but your comments really make me feel better... even if it's just to know that some one is listening. THANKS

[GenomicsGirl]

WhiteWax, I'm sorry that you're feeling so hurt by his comments. Even if you are chunky, you don't need to be reminded of it - you see it every time you look at yourself, you know? No one deserves to be put down like that. No one deserves to feel like they're not beautiful and sexy - especially when they're pregnant.

I had my 20-week u/s on Wednesday. I have to have another in 4 weeks because they couldn't see the baby's stomach. Apparently, it probably just means that the baby hadn't swallowed much amniotic fluid in the last little while, but they still want to check it. The bladder was big, so I'm thinking that the stomach was just empty. Let's hope that this baby has a stomach! I'm sure she does

Oh, and we found out that we're having a girl! WooHoo! With two boys already, I thought I would only have boys, but we're blessed with a little girl now!

[54mama]

Whitewax-- So sorry about the frustrations you are feeling right now. I agree that some type of counseling could be helpful if that is something you and your partner can agree to work on together. In the mean time, be good to yourself and I hope that things smooth out soon.

[wombatclay]

Yay for girls!

I just got home from my doctor and had a really good visit. My OB is a total nut. She was really upset that the specialist I saw was such a dork, was totally unconcerned about my VBAC plans, and wrote me the most interesting Rx for the next 20 weeks.

Basically she told me I need to stop being a reference librarian and living in my head...that for the next 20 weeks she want me to focus on becoming the "juicy, orgasmic, loud, earth mama" that I need to be as a VBAC mama. She mimed giving birth complete with loud orgasmic cries (and mentioned a friend of hers who, while delivering, said "there's something big and hard in there and I LIKE big hard things!"), suggested that Dh and I practice "really letting go during orgasm", and said that when she sees me in a month she wants to hear that I've been getting outside every day to touch the earth, having lots and lots of uninhibited sex, and that I'm connecting with the earthy energies of birth and sex and the great unknown.

Apparently this is her standard Rx for VBAC mamas and Lesbian mamas with "limited vaginal experience" (her words)...since she feels that these two mama groups can have some real emotional (and even physical) issues surrounding the physicality of pushing a baby through the vaginal passage and she likes to see everyone get "good and juicy about having a big hard baby between their legs".

I told her my husband is going to love her "homework assignment".

On the down side, she asked me to try the GD diet for the next 20 weeks...and walk at least a mile a day and do some other exercise on top of that. So I may have less computer time. And since I'm doing all the spinning babies and optimal positioning stuff it means that not only do I no longer sit in my "comfy chair" or lean back into the couch...now I can't have my sugary treats either!

By June I'm either going to be disgustingly healthy, or ready to eat an entire gallon of ice cream and a few bags of fast food!

[54mama]

Originally Posted by wombatclay

By June I'm either going to be disgustingly healthy, or ready to eat an entire gallon of ice cream

Wait!!!! That doesn't count as being healthy?!?!

Sounds like you guys are in for some fun for the next 20 weeks!

[wombatclay]

The thing that gets me is there are plenty of "goodies" on the market for diabetics that are sweet/yummy/indulgent but low carb/no sugar. BUT these things contain all the "random chemicals" I'm trying to avoid as a pregnant mama. So they're not really an option. Argh!

I'm not giving up my one square of chocolate a day till the pry it out of my hand. The comfy chair...the general sugars and carb dense foods...the "happily not walking a mile in the snow" memories...these I can accept. But the chocolate? The chocolate STAYS!

[Corri]

Whitewax, I'm sorry you're having a hard go of it with DH. I understand what it feels like to be constantly put down because of your weight or looks - it's not my DH in my case, but my mother, and it's so, so tough to get past their image of you and create a new image that you own for yourself.

The thing that finally worked for me was 'fake it 'till you make it' - not too evolved, I guess, but based on the idea that we create our own realities - the more I tell myself that I am a hot bombshell, the more that becomes entrenched in my own thought patterns - EVEN WHEN I didn't believe a word of it at the beginning. It's like taking all of those riverbeds he's carved into your mind over time and filling them with new water of your own.

Try practicing this phrase, for the next time he pulls something like that: "I'm sorry you don't like it, but I do." And don't change clothes. You know what you like, and you know what suits you - honestly, you do! Trust yourself, trust your own judgement, and stand your ground! And if he doesn't like it, tough nuts to him. My practiced phrase was "tough to be you, because I love how I look," but my mother responds more to tough talk than to me being polite and sweet.

We can't control what other people do - you can't make him go to counselling - but we can control our own reactions to their behaviour. I hope you can find your peace.

I am drinking my pregnancy tea right now and it is sooo yummy.

What is pregnancy tea?

[Neve]

Hi All!

I'm new to the forum. This is my first pregnancy. I had my level 2 u/s last week and we are having a little baby girl! I'm 37 years old, so I was also relieved that no indicators showed up for downs etc. Everything looked perfect!

The only issues I'm having are legs & hip falling asleep if I sit or sleep in a weird position for too long. Underwear at night is a big no-no because it puts my legs to sleep! I guess I need to bite the bullet and get some preggo panties. Also thinking of investing in two body pillows.

Also having Braxton Hicks throughout the day, but no other problems. If I move around & stay real hydrated & empty my bladder asap they go away pretty fast. I'm glad to see other folks are getting them too at 20 weeks. My doctor seems to think they might be related to the two fibroids I have in and around my uterus (both walnut sized)??

Feeling pretty good overall, but trying not to over do it. Does anyone else feel like a couch potato---what with Winter and with big belly?!

Pre-natal yoga has been great though. I try to do it at my local yoga studio 2 times a week. Feels sooooooo good. I highly recommend it. And apparently there is almost no yoga posture that pregnant women can't do, but the pre-natal is great because it's slower and you hold postures for much longer in order to get you ready for labor.

Thanks for listening and chatting!

[Neve]

Originally Posted by Corri

What is pregnancy tea?

My friend gave me pregnancy tea--it has raspberry leaf and other soothing herbs in it. It tastes good, but I prefer good old organic chamomile. Tastes like liquid honey.

But of course my baby seems to like chocolate as she gets all excited every time I eat it (which, ahem, is a lot). Like mother like daughter! hehehe

[herbmama3-7]

Whitewax, so sorry you are going through these : times right now. I don't think any women should "put up" with those actions from any man, honestly what right does he have to take you home and make you change clothes? I am sorry, I take these things very seriously, please stand up for yourself and realize that you are a beautiful women who deserves beautiful treatment. I am sorry to be so straight forward, it just breaks my heart to hear this. I also agree that counseling is a good idea, even if you are the only one who goes. Hang in there, don't blow it off, as a pp said these type of things don't get better with time! I truely say all this out of love to a fellow beautiful pregnant mama due in June

[willoLevin]

WhiteWax--I, too, hope you can learn to take better care of yourself. You can never make your DP change, but you can learn to love yourself without reservation, and you deserve to do so. Consider taking the counselling on your own. It can't hurt. It might help--a lot.

In other news, I had my u/s today. Baby clearly heard my warnings that photos were due, because s/he covered it all up. I get another surprise this time.

Wombat--I love the advice from your OB, although, of course, you'll need to find your own way of getting earthy. (She does sound like a nut.) I think I am usually a very "in my head" person, but I certainly found my way into my body very effectively for DS's birth. I think that's why I've had all these urges to travel and get away lately. I think I'm trying to fight for my OWN space again, which is much harder for me with DS to care for.

--willo

[mataji4]

white wax- your dp might have some good qualities- he must- but somehow he missed out on a very important lesson in life- RESPECT. But it also sounds like you missed out on the value of SELF-RESPECT. so nobody is respecting you in your relationship. Your husband suggested/told you to go home and change, but you were the one who drove home and changed!! i think counseling for YOU would be a great place to start. sometimes with a disrespectful/difficult partner, it's easy to complain about them and feel wounded/the victim, but it takes two to tango, and there are changes/tools/ a different level of awareness that counseling can give you to create a different reality for yourself!
i know you are moving, but it's just a couple of phone calls to set up an appointment and have something positive to look forward to. also, the book "Nonviolent Communication" is great...helped me a LOT, with my kids too.


in other news, we're all good.

[AnoriensMom]

Originally Posted by wombatclay

She mimed giving birth complete with loud orgasmic cries

my birth instructor with my first pregnancy did that. very loud, and alot of howling! I am pretty introverted and semi-loud when I am enjoying sex ,
but I was a little worried that I was going to have to become this wild crazed howling slut in order to have a successful birth. I was in the "zone" and am not sure exactly what noises I was making, but I don't think they were orgasmic cries!!

Well, its official. I can no longer sit straight up by myself. I have to roll completely on my side and push up with my hands! I am so much bigger this time around. Will I be even bigger at 20 weeks with subsequent pregnancies?
by #5 will I look fully pregnant at week 10?

not looking forward to the waddle walk...

[willoLevin]

Originally Posted by AnoriensMom

my birth instructor with my first pregnancy did that. very loud, and alot of howling! I am pretty introverted and semi-loud when I am enjoying sex ,
but I was a little worried that I was going to have to become this wild crazed howling slut in order to have a successful birth. I was in the "zone" and am not sure exactly what noises I was making, but I don't think they were orgasmic cries!!

I'm with you on this. I think it is important to ALLOW yourself to make whatever noise will help, but equally important to follow your own body and do what helps YOU, not your midwife, doula, mother, best friend, or the official birth howl of motheringdotcommune.

I happily kept my own chosen birthing gown on during the birth, though many others feel most comfortable naked. I know I cursed, but I don't think I screamed. I also said weird little jokes that I have with my husband ("monkey monkey"), but you can get away with almost anything in labor. I got really mad when other people tried to count, because I count to myself as a stress-reliever.

--willo

[wombatclay]

I know for a fact I was VERY looud when laboring with dd...I didn't realize it till later when someone mentioned they could hear me in the sitting area. Which was one room door, one hallway, two double crash doors, and a second hallway away from the birthing tub I was in!

I did labor for 32 hours (drug free for most of that) with dd before the c/s and my OB knows this...but I never got to push. So the goal of the various exercises is to encourage "opening" vocally, vaginally, and emotionally.

VBAC mamas often "live in their heads" in terms of pregnancy, labor, delivery. We often have to fight the medical establishment (AND the natural birth community in many cases if a mama wants to VBAC with a single layer suture), we're labeled high risk, many birth centers and midwives wont take VBAC mamas (though of course many will!), we're given the "dead baby" speech and the "your uterus will rip open" speech a lot, etc. So a lot of VBAC mamas research all the time...statistics and numbers and chances of rupture...new studies on suture types, scar massage, the importance of this or that labor support technique on vbac success.

And there's always the fear that something will change...the only VBAC provider suddenly decides that "if you go past 40 weeks we operate". Or the only local hopsital to offer VBAC decides they're no longer offering the service and you'll need to drive 3-4 hours to another hospital. Or the local birth center can no longer take VBAC mamas due to insurance issues. Or your homebirth midwife has a bad delivery and asks you to reconsider your HBAC plans. And of course in the back of your head is the fact that you DIDN'T manage to give birth last time. And maybe c/s was the only way it could have happened, but maybe not, and now you're stuck dealing with the very real "what if" questions that every mama faces...only this time you have personal experience of what can happen.

It's a real emotional and psychological minefield and many VBAC mamas psych themselves right out of the game...one reason working through a previous c/s can be such a big help, and why communities like the VBAC support forum here at mdc are so crucial.

I think my OB is right on in her assessment and while her "Rx" is a bit funny (I'll have to add it to babymort's baby box!) I know what she's trying to get at!

[WhiteWax]

Thanks every one...

I love "Fake it till you make it"
and mataji4 thanks for pointing out the huge part that I can do in this to help things out!

I just got my mediciad all straightened out so I will make that phone call to see who I or we can see on Monday!

Thanks mamas, you all are so sweet and helpful!

[Marvelleaux]

Good luck WhiteWax--we're all rootin' for ya

Ok, so on the topic of nesting... It just occurred to me that perhaps my urge to go buy stuff is a nesting instinct. Actually, it must be. I went to Target and bought curtains and rods for the dining room yesterday and spent about $150. I didn't think I was nesting because I wasn't doing baby-related spending, but I guess this counts, huh? Looks like I need to pick a long-term project, like a quilt or something, before DH takes away my AmEx and I find myself in big trouble...

[Corri]

If you sew, Marvel, how about a mai tei for yourself? I just made one for a frind who's due in March from Jan Andrea's fantastic patterns - http://www.sleepingbaby.net/jan/Baby/asian.html.

She's got instructions for making a sling, but that wouldn't eat as much of your time. Actually, the mai tei only took about an hour and a half over two days; I was really impressed.