Considering Time Outs

[beka1977]

I have a 3.5 yo son, who has always been very sweet and gentle. Since the birth of his sister he has started hitting, fake biting, kicking, head butting, growling, and tackling the cats. We have been dealing with this for 2 mos now - which I know is a very short time to expect a toddler to adjust to a new sib. I have been trying to prevent, redirect, explain, get out of the house, etc. I have been very focused on meeting his needs - special playtime, time outside, time with friends, quiet time, book time, one on one, etc. I feel that right now his needs are being met above those of the new baby, my husband, or myself. Short of sending back the baby - clearly not an option - I do not know what else to do.

I feel like I cannot keep us all safe. The minute that I am not watching, he is tackling a cat. I have tried putting the cats away all day - he would let them out and then try to hurt them. So we put a lock on the door. He figured out a way in... I am also conflicted because it doesn't seem fair to the poor cats that they have to be confined all day. Anyway, today I went to the bathroom, he let the cats out, and then hurt one of them enough to cause her to scratch him across the eyelid. I do not blame the cat at all. This feels like the final straw to me because we know someone who's child is blind in one eye because of a cat scratch.

The current situation isn't fair to anyone - DS, cats, baby, husband, me. Moreover I find myself really resenting my son because I can't relax around him, half the time I am flinching.

Please help! I am considering time outs for "hurting" behavior.

[Mama Poot]

I think time out would not be effective in your situation and might make his behavior worse. By making him go in time out, you are further separating him from you and the rest of the family, something he is feeling on a constant basis right now already because of the new baby. My experience with getting a child to adjust to a sibling is radically different than yours because my firstborn was just shy of his first birthday when his brother came into the world. He was pretty angry for about two weeks, and then life went back to normal. 12 month olds adjust faster to things than a 3.5 year old like your child. Right now, I would continue doing everything you mentioned, the special time with Mama, redirection, etc... Give your child some more time to adjust.

[MammaKoz]

:

When we do TO's in our house it's not a punishment tactic. It's more about taking time out to calm down, talk etc. When I give a TO to DD or DS I have them sit down either with me or beside me on the floor until they calm down, stop fighting, hurting the animals etc. I don't isolate them from me, they are always right beside me wherever we are in the house.

Have you thought of getting your DS involved more with the baby and helping? I was almost 4 when my little brother was born and apparently I was a hellion afterwards. Then my mom got me super involved and gave me little jobs and made me feel important as her little helper and she said that solved it right there. Just little things like holding the diaper when she was changing him, helping at bath time, helping with dishes and just basically making me her shadow and special helper. But I guess according to her she made a big deal out of it and how much she appreciated my help etc etc.

It sounds like he is going through a huge adjustment and as frustrating as it is, it will just take time to help him through it. He doesn't know how to verbalize how he is feeling about the whole situation so it is coming through in his actions.

Be careful with time outs since that could make him feel even more isolated and then it will backfire on you. Get him helping you around the house and with the baby as much as possible so that rather than be jealous of the baby he feels more nurturing and responsible (as much as a 3 y/o can, but you know what I mean).

Hang in there, this won't last forever!