What is going on with my toddler?

[jkg]

DS is going to be 2 years old next week. He has been a relatively easy-going, yet high needs (sensitive) child with a great sense of humor. Recently, he has started to test limits with DH and I. I appreciate that that is a part of growing up, and as we believe in gentle discipline, we try to respect this new behavior while still setting some boundaries. But there are a few things that we can't seem to figure out. One of them is that he has started hitting me when I don't give him what he wants right away. I tell him that hands are for helping, not hitting, and that I do not like to be hit. (We do not hit people or animals in our house). I have told him that if he is mad or frustrated, he can hit his drum or a pillow, but not Mommy. Still, he chooses to slap me every time he does not get his way. I try to be as attentive to his needs as possible, but things have become more difficult recently. I am 32 weeks pregnant, and carrying a 28 lb. toddler has become a challenge. So when it would not be difficult for him to walk (say, from the living room to the kitchen) I expect him to do so. But if he wants to be carried, he will hit me. Is this just a phase? How can I teach him that this behavior is not appropriate? Again, we do not spank and I would prefer not to use time-outs. But I am at a loss...any ideas? I should add that he does not hit anyone else, and he is especially gentle and patient with other children. Thank you!

[Bisou]

Mine Too!

Hi JKG:

My son is 18 months and has been in a hitting phase similar to yours for the last month or so. He even hits sometimes for no apparent reason, and also throws books and toys at my head. I have always been very gentle with him, so I am baffled. Let me know if anyone offers you good suggestions. Just know that I understand what you're going through! It's so frustrating!

Holly

[CeciMami]

Me too!

I have to add to the question as well. My 18 month old has started throwing his books on the floor and cares not when we talk about books belonging in their basket or on the table. When a toy goes skittering across the floor I ask him to bring it to me so that we can put it away and he just looks at me and then walks away. When I lead him by the hand so that we can pick it up and return it he fights to get free. It's turning into a power struggle and I don't want it to...any advice would be appreciated!!!

:

[LoveBeads]

Is your son speaking? If not, you might want to try teaching him some simple sign language. It sounds like he is frustrated.

[LoveBeads]

Originally Posted by CeciMami

I have to add to the question as well. My 18 month old has started throwing his books on the floor and cares not when we talk about books belonging in their basket or on the table. When a toy goes skittering across the floor I ask him to bring it to me so that we can put it away and he just looks at me and then walks away. When I lead him by the hand so that we can pick it up and return it he fights to get free. It's turning into a power struggle and I don't want it to...any advice would be appreciated!!!

:

I would offer to race him to the book and see who can be first to pick it up and put it in the basket.

[jkg]

Originally Posted by LoveBeads

Is your son speaking? If not, you might want to try teaching him some simple sign language. It sounds like he is frustrated.

He is speaking, in fact he is quite verbal for his age. But, I realize there are still some things he does not know how to express in words. We try to give him the words, saying, "I see you are frustrated", or something like that, and then asking what we can do to help. The problem seems to be more with the speed at which things get done for him, kwim? If , for example, he says he wants to go cook dinner with me, that is fine and I have age-appropriate ways for him to help, but if I don't take him into the kitchen with me IMMEDIATELY after his request (say, if I have my hands full and need to set something down first) he starts hitting and crying.

[jkg]

Originally Posted by CeciMami

I have to add to the question as well. My 18 month old has started throwing his books on the floor and cares not when we talk about books belonging in their basket or on the table. When a toy goes skittering across the floor I ask him to bring it to me so that we can put it away and he just looks at me and then walks away. When I lead him by the hand so that we can pick it up and return it he fights to get free. It's turning into a power struggle and I don't want it to...any advice would be appreciated!!!

:

We have the problem with throwing toys too, but one thing that works sometimes is, like the pp said, a game to see who can pick up the toys the fastest. Granted, they don't always get put away where they belong, but at least they are off the floor.

[mamaduck]

I think there are two issues here.

Sometimes there is throwing or hitting impulse that they need to satisfy. If they are hitting or throwing unrelated to angry feelings, its probably an impulse that needs to be honored. A skill they need to practice. You don't want them throwing books or hitting people, so you redirect to throwing bean bags, or hitting a drum. And thats great!

But if they are hitting/throwing because they are ANGRY, redirecting to appropriate hitting/throwing is not going to be satisfying. They don't want to hit a drum or throw a bean bag. They want to tell you how ticked off they feel with YOU. And hitting is the only way they know how to do that.

With a verbal 2 or 3 year old, it is important to remind yourself that they revert to a less mature state when they are very upset. Normally, he might be able to express himself easily with words. But in the heat of the moment, its hard for him to call on that skill. Heck, its hard for an adult. But pretty near impossible for a toddler. He needs coaching and help.

Its not going to be a quick or easy fix. Lots of mamas here will tell you that this phase may go on a while. But I would do, is to start helping him with simple phrases to use when he is angry. "Don't hit. Say, "I'M MAD AT YOU." Encouraging to him to go ahead and say that to you. Do NOT tell him to be nice, or quiet, etc. because screaming "I'm MAD," is great progress for a child who would rather be hitting you! (There are plenty of years ahead to refine tone of voice, etc.)

Also -- lots of empathy. I remember ds #1 wanting to be carried down the steps in the morning when I was pg. with #2, and he was just so angry and upset when I didn't. It was hard to deal with. But what finally helped was to just sit down beside him and take a few minutes to tell him that I understood how hard it was, and that he really wished I could carry him, and I really wished it too.

[annab]

He seems to really want your physical contact if he is so adamant about being carried. Can you compromise with a piggy back ride? My son was two when I was pregnant, and it was a solution that satisified everyone.

[jkg]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

I think there are two issues here.


Its not going to be a quick or easy fix. Lots of mamas here will tell you that this phase may go on a while. But I would do, is to start helping him with simple phrases to use when he is angry. "Don't hit. Say, "I'M MAD AT YOU." Encouraging to him to go ahead and say that to you. Do NOT tell him to be nice, or quiet, etc. because screaming "I'm MAD," is great progress for a child who would rather be hitting you! (There are plenty of years ahead to refine tone of voice, etc.)

VERY good point! I will try that.

[jkg]

Originally Posted by annab

He seems to really want your physical contact if he is so adamant about being carried. Can you compromise with a piggy back ride? My son was two when I was pregnant, and it was a solution that satisified everyone.

The thing is, we have tons of physical contact all day long. He nurses 4-5 times a day. I wore him in a sling until it became physically uncomfortable for me a couple months ago, and then I just carry him in my arms. I don't mind carrying him, but sometimes it gets to be a lot. For example, when he wants to be carried over to the kitchen table from the living room (maybe 100 feet away). I always offer to hold his hand, or play choo-choo (he stands behind me and holds my hands and we pretend to be a train), but lately he only wants to be carried everywhere. I really do try. Maybe he's feeling some anxiety over my pregnancy. I just wish I could make this better for all of us.

[Shaki]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

But if they are hitting/throwing because they are ANGRY, redirecting to appropriate hitting/throwing is not going to be satisfying. They don't want to hit a drum or throw a bean bag. They want to tell you how ticked off they feel with YOU. And hitting is the only way they know how to do that.
.

So true! I remember as a child when I was angry and striking out at my Mom (who was very GD for that time period), Mom would say "Don't hit me hit the pillow." Then offer a pillow to hit. This only made me madder ! I'd shout, "I don't want to hit the pillow! I want to hit you!" Oh lordy is that gonna come back and bite me in the a$$ or what?!