Hitting ---> Nervous Breakdown!!!!

[Bisou]

I am seriously on the verge of a breakdown, and I am (though ashamed to admit this) starting to feel like I can't stand my son. I need HELP!

(Sorry, this is a little long, but there IS a discipline question in here!)

A little background: I am a single mom of an 18 month old boy. Right before my son was born, I lost my job teaching at a community college, which was a complete shock. No longer able to support us (since his father disappeared and we don't have any financial support), I then had to move in with my parents, who I don't get along with at all, and leave the city I loved to move to a small hick town where they live. I am extremely isolated, depressed, and live in my pajamas because I rarely leave the house. The nearest town is 30 minutes away, but there's nothing to do there aside from go to the grocery store. On top of this, I also came down with a serious incurable skin disease after having my son (which causes extreme pain, disfigurement and scarring, can lead to permanent disability), and I was told it could very well be related to the pregnancy.

I know none of this is my son's fault, but it's hard not to think that if I never had him, I wouldn't be in this situation--wouldn't have to live with my parents who are incredibly mean, wouldn't live in the middle of nowhere and have no life, wouldn't have this skin disease that may prevent me from ever being in another relationship again. I was told I could never have children, so he was a suprise and a miracle, but I didn't expect my whole life to turn upside down after making the decision to have him. This has been a million times harder than I ever expected.

On top of a situation that would be hard no matter what child I was given, I have a "spirited" child. He has been extremely active from the time he was born. Every activity is a struggle. He fights every diaper change, every meal time (hates the high chair), every car ride. He will scream and cry for hours non-stop in the car, even when he is fed, dry, and has toys, snacks, music, and other entertainment. I have made every attempt to make these activities entertaining and upbeat, to no avail.

Within the last month or two, he has started a hitting, kicking, and head-butting phase. Sometimes it's in response to being unhappy because he wants to do something he can't (write on the counter with a pen), or doesn't want to do something I want him to do (change his diaper), but it can also be completely random. He has seriously injured me several times. Even playing he is rough. He has given me several bruises on my face, a black eye, and three split lips. He gave my mom (grandma) a bloody nose. He slaps my face, headbutts me if he can, and kicks as hard as his little legs can manage. Thank god he hasn't discovered biting yet. I try to be calm during this, even though I can feel my temper flare, and tell him calmly, "No hitting" and gently hold his arms to prevent him from doing so, but as soon as I release them, he hits me again.

Every diaper change and meal is a fight. He also throws books or toys at my head at random times. It has gotten to the point that I cover my face and flinch when he walks up to me, and I don't want to be reacting to him this way.

I used to simply and calmly tell him, "Gentle. Don't hit Mommy. That hurts Mommy. Touch Mommy nicely," and then I would demonstrate how to touch me softly, but that didn't work. The behavior has gotten worse. Recently, I have been trying time outs, but it's not working too well. As soon as he is done with the time out, he often immediately hits me again. It seems like this is becoming a power struggle. He hits, I sit him in time out. He hits again; more time out. (I am giving him a minute in time out and I sit there with him because he won't stay there on his own.) I have also tried walking away from him when he hits or asking him what he needs or why he is hitting or upset, but this doesn't work either. (He's not too verbal at this point, though he does sign some things.)

I am also trying to wean from breastfeeding due to medication I need to take for my medical condition (which is very serious), and I am doing it very slowly, but I wonder if this is contributing to his sour mood.

I am home with him all day, all the time, and he is held and played with constantly. I hardly even do anything around the house because if I try to wash a dish or two, he has a fit and just stands there and hits my legs. I am hardly even eating lately because it's just too hard and I am too exhausted and frustrated to deal with him and try to make myself lunch or dinner.

I need help figuring out how to deal with his behavior, which is making an already bad situation worse. I feel so trapped and depressed, and having him hit me and fight me all day isn't helping. I don't want to feel angry toward him, and I am starting to feel like I just don't want to be around him anymore. I don't want to feel this way. I am ashamed to even admit this, but I am desperate for help.

Despite my frustration and anger, I haven't yelled or screamed or hit (which I think is completely unacceptable, of course), even when my temper is flaring. I usually remain pretty calm, but inside I am thinking "I can't stand this! Get me out of here!" I know he can probably sense these feelings, and that probably doesn't help the situation. I feel like I am just going to collapse into a sobbing heap. :

Above all else, I want my son to feel loved and wanted. Can anyone help me work through this behavior?

[forthebest]

Hi Mama I'm so sorry for your feeling so bad, you must have a lot of patience to be dealing with all this in such a caring way. I have no real advice on how this behaviour can be sorted, your ds is pretty young and is probably also picking up on how low you are feeling at present and being really demanding for lots of reasons. It's dreadful that you should lose your job and have to move in with your mean parents to a place you don't want to be. And to have this skin diagnosis is just awful. You are doing so well, hopefully in time your wee one will sort his behaviour out but I really think you need some outside help to get your life on track to your benefit, like mom groups or just some help with child-care, I know not easy, I've never had help with that! You are doing the right thing anyway by staying calm with your ds, you must feel very frustrated and I hope you get some relief and some better help/advice.

[mom22girls]

I am so sorry you're going through this. I have a spirited one too, and I also dread diaper changes. There's always a struggle, and kicking and screaming - and this from a 2.5 year old!!!! Food is less of an issue, and I'd like to know what you do when he throws food. Do you say, "all done." and take it away? I know with my little "flinger" that worked as well as giving a bite on a plate at a time. My rule was, don't put down more than you want to scrape off the walls. He hates the highchair, what about a booster on a regular chair? Heck, sit him at his little table and give him a bite at a time (or move a little table to the kitchen. I've always been terrified of heights and my mom said I'd scream in my high chair too! However, this is just a symptom of more going on, right? You also need support and your little one needs to get out too. I know you said you live in po-dunk, but is there a WMCA or community center within a reasonable distance? You need other moms, and he needs some stimulation outside the home it sounds like. While he's too young for other kids to play with, he may enjoy playing AROUND them. Maybe look on the internet for a homeschool group, you might find moms with younger ones you could get together with. Like the other poster said, since he's spirited, he may be highly sensitive to your moods and that is adding fuel to the fire.

I think all mamas feel like their life gets turned upside down when they have a baby, yours also came with a job loss and skin disease. I wish I could do more to help. Please know you're in my thoughts.

Take care.

-H

[mamaduck]

Bisou, his violence could very well be a normal phase. Lots of kids at that age behave roughly, and don't understand their own strength. But I think its worth considering the possibility that your son is suffering from the same unhappiness and depression that you are, and this is way of acting it out. You are stuck in a very unpleasant situation.

I don't pretend it will be easy, but I think that you need to get unstuck. I don't know how. For me, my child's well being would be the one thing that could motivate me to herculean efforts and making change for the better.

Are there very small steps that you can take toward rejoing civilization? I know its too much to think about re-establishing yourself in the life that you used to have, now that you have a small child and a skin disease. But can you brainstorm a list of options for making small improvements? And then pick one. Joining a gym is a great idea, if there is even such an option available. I understand its a small town, but there must be schools and a newspaper. Can you volunteer in some capacity? You are a very articulate writer -- you strike me as someone who has a lot to offer.

I think that when you are a little happier, your son will be too. At least get dressed and take a walk every day, kwim?

As far as dealing directly with is violence -- babies/small children usually hit and lash out because they do not have the "words" to express their feelings. The best thing you can do for him at this age is to help him give his feelings form in words, and demonstrate that you understand what he is trying to communicate. So talk out loud, in simple terms, about his frustration, anger, sadness, or whatever he is displaying. Encourage him to use whatever few words he might have. I actually encouraged my toddlers to say "No" and "stop" and "don't." Those are good words -- they are more constructive than hitting and kicking.

[MuesliMama]

I can't give you much hands-on help, because we're just starting to struggle with some of the same issues, but here are some ideas:

You could try journaling the sweet, positive moments you've had with DS each day, just so that you concentrate on the good moments.

Also, try going to the library for parenting books ~ I've gotten a lot of great suggestions on MDC for books (especially in this forum), and I can't tell you how much guidance I've already gotten from them.

And definitely try to find some other moms in your area so you can get some more support! Good luck to you and big hugs.

[newmommy]

The behavior you described is very normal and my DS did ALL those things you describe.

18 Months was a VERY hard age for me. But it DOES get better, I promise you! I felt just like you (like I was barely surviving).

Sounds like leaving him home with your Parents is not an option?

Is it anyway you can take a Full Day to yourself?

[FLmom_3]

Just curious but do you have psoriasis? I have recently been diagnosed with this and it can lead to psoriatic arthritis, which is on occasion beginning to set in (my luck!) If not the same, it does cause scarring & pain as well, and is extremely difficult to keep under control. The effects can be mentally overwhelming and cause severe stress and anxiety (oddly enough, they say stress is also a factor that could cause a "flare up")! Either way, if you ever need to talk, feel free to contact me just to vent, if you'd like. I know the stress of mine alone can affect my temperament and cause feelings of depression at times. I work from home so I do not have to worry about going in public much when I do feel it is at its worst, but it also keeps me from going to many of my "mommy meet up groups" I am a member of to try and get out of the house some.

I feel for you and am here for you should you need me.

[sweetieface]

Sorry no advice, My little guy 2yrs went through this phase also it does get better eventually. It's great that you have been able to remain calm, that's one thing I've had to really work on. Especially with my little guy he can be very sensitive. hang in there!

[Fiddlemom]

so sorry you are struggling....we are here with you and sending

[GuildJenn]

Hey there. This is my first post but I felt for you so much I had to just go for it.

My son is almost the same age and I find with him what helps a LOT is getting outside - no where fancy, just in the yard and on the sidewalk. He seems to need us to "explore together" every day and it seems to redirect some of his frustration. I wondered if getting out into nature every day might help your spirits too, and it's free and everywhere. I know this is a lousy season for it but that might help.

[WuWei]

My two main suggestions are eliminate dairy from your diets. And have you considered sharing a house/apt. with another single mama? Co-abode is an organization which helps single mamas combine their childcare and homecare together. You can be very selective. Perhaps, even working out an exchange with another mama for childcare while she works, and/or you work while she provides childcare. You can consider mamas in areas all over the country. The link is available in the single parenting forum. http://www.co-abode.com/

Here is a copy of an old post of mine with info about many variables that can influence hitting.

Our son has huge dietary issues related to behavior. We live consensually so he is allowed to eat whatever he wants. But he is agreeable to avoiding dairy, soy, wheat, artificial colors, flavors and preservatives because he feels better when he does. I don't know if you are familiar with "The Feingold Diet"? If you can find or order the book Why Won't My Child Behave? and/or Is This Your Child?, they both talk about children who sound just like yours, just like mine when he eats dairy, too much soy, wheat or artificial ingredients or too much salicylates from natural foods.

It requires vigilant awareness but is worth every bit of effort. Our son goes from 0-100 (well over the sanity limit) approximately 60 minutes after consuming dairy. He would become aggressive, hitting, kicking, screaming and it lasts for 1-6 hours depending on quantity of consumption. Same thing with artificial ingredients. Needless to say, we avoid them like the Plague. We have avoided all of these since a very, very early age and he has outgrown many of his food intolerances and behavioral responses. Now he can eat dairy several times a week, wheat daily and soy a few times a week without any reactions. We do try to have a lot of physical outlets for him after consumption though. He is sensory seeking, probably ADHD, and SID, but these are irrelevant labels to us as we homeschool. But in a school situation, I imagine that his physical needs would interfere with sitting for long durations. Anyway, btdt. It can and will get better.

I have learned tons about diet and behavior. Here are some resources.

Here are links to the two books I mentioned:
http://www.feingold.org/bookstore-pg.html
http://www.feingold.org/bookstore-pg.html

Here is a link to "The Feingold Diet" organization. I didn't join and get there list of approved foods that are additive free. My friend did so have seen the info which is helpful. I shop at EarthFare which doesn't have any of the ingredients that they say to avoid. Basically you need to do an elimination diet for a minimum of a week to see a difference. Some people can see a significantly happier child in 24 hours! To completely eliminate dairy you need closer to a week though, 3 weeks ideally. And there is dairy, casein and whey in many processed foods. It is an effort, but so worth it. Our son can negotiate and consider other's needs and honor other's personal boundaries. But he had much harder of a time when he accidently consumed dairy, or artificial vanilla, or nitrates, or some yellow food color, for instance.
http://www.feingold.org/indexx.html

Here is a brief list of the foods to avoid. There are tons of foods, and brands that can be consumed. The list looks daunting. But, you just eliminate all you can and then gradually test by adding one food at a time back to the diet. Many people find a gluten free diet helps. That is a bit more comprehensive than just wheat free. But there are a lot of dairy and wheat substitutes.
http://www.kroger.com/hn/Diet/Feingold_Diet.htm

Here is a thread about "Healing the Gut". Basically, eliminating all the foods that cause intolerances and allowing the gut to heal. There are stickies and links about what to do. I believe this is what has significantly helped our son, in addition to classical homeopathy. We avoided all of the culprit foods for a long time. He is now 5, and can eat most everything except artificial ingredients.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=493103

Here are some concrete suggestions from another thread that I posted on:

1. Fill love tank. See "The Five Love Languages for Children". The author suggests that the five are: acts of service, physical touch, gifts, affirmation, quality time. We generally value all; but there is usually a primary 'love language' and each adult or child feels more full of love, or empty of love, if their love language isn't being "spoken" to them consistently, daily.

2. Eye contact when speaking with child.

3. Validation of feelings. The "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, How to Listen so Kids will Talk" discusses pratical communication skills for increasing the dialogue effectiveness.

4. "Siblings Without Rivalry" helps discuss allowing the "ugly" feelings about a sibling or situation to be voiced and validated. This helps the child work through them so that he can move away from carrying them alone. And then he can gain perspective once these are not such a heavy burden.

5. "The Explosive Child" discusses 'picking your battles'. Basically, it has a "Basket" criteria of degrees of battle. Basket "A" is safety issues. These are critical to health and worth making an issue over. Basket "C" are little things that won't matter tomorrow, next week or next month. These are ignored and dealt with without creating an issue/battle or power struggle.

Basket "B" are the important but negotiable items which need buy-in. Most things are here. But the issue is to determine 'Is this critical to the family's happiness *today* to create a power struggle?' What other ways can this issue be tackled together as a team?

6. Food intolerances: dairy causes aggression in our son. We see his behavior change about one hour after consumption and lasts 1-6 hours depending on quantity consumed. Also, high fructose corn syrup (not sugar), artificial colors: red and yellow. See "The Feingold Diet" on-line.

7. 'Meet the underlying needs' is my mantra. Focus on working to solve the need, rather than focusing on eliminating the behavior


I strongly and firstly recommend The Explosive Child for tools of "choosing your battles". It can change the dynamics to just essential safety issues, instead of having everything be a battle. I forgot about high fructose corn syrup. Ds can NOT consume this at all. Occasionally he does. Then, we all have a very tough several hours. Eliminate this from your lives. It is seriously associated with violent and aggressive behaviors.

Here are two on-going threads that will help to support you and let you know you are not alone: "My Challenge, My Love". These women will and do understand. They are living your life. Here is your life line. They have BTDT and are helping each other on their path of a peaceful family with a challenging child.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=328627

This thread is "Parenting & Rage". These women have many suggestions on taking care of yourself so that you are not overwhelmed by the work of parenting your child. It is work. They have helped me to recognize how I need to provide self-care to *me*, in addition to caring for everyone else. They remind me how important a calm mama is to a calm family.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=394579


I hope this helps you see a light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, and let me know if you need info about homeopathy. Here is one link: http://www.healing-arts.org/children...homeopathy.htm We use classical homeopathy rather than acute. But, it does help to address the digestive and immunology aspects of food and behavior. I highly recommend considering it. I was leery at first but am evangelical about homeopathy now.

OH, and there are Bach Flower remedies!! These help when nothing else will. You can choose according to symptoms. These are available at any natural food store. Rescue Remedy, Elm, Cherry Plum, Beech are must haves, imo.

http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx

http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm

http://www.bachflower.com/38_Essences.htm

http://www.abchomeopathy.com/c.php/3

I hope you find some peace soon. I do agree that 18 months is a common age for exploring emotions, power, and large motor skills.

HTH,
Pat

[Bisou]

Wow! Thanks!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to offer such wonderful advice. It has really helped me regroup.

Unfortunately, I did have a terrible day with him two days ago, right after I wrote the first posting, which (as terrible and guilty as I feel about the incident) has also helped me focus on the kind of parent I want to be. I don't know why I am sharing this moment of poor parenting, but here goes. He was fighting a diaper change (even though I try all kinds of ways to make it interesting---offering unusual toys, singing, goofy games), and then he slapped me hard two times on the face. I (in an uncharacteristically harsh reaction) yelled at him "NO HITTING," and then he looked at me right in the eyes and slapped me again. I realize he is testing limits and doesn't really understand what he's doing, but I simply couldn't take it. I yelled, "I said NO HITTING! Fine! Just don't wear your damn diaper then!" and plopped him down on the floor and left the room. I was then really upset with myself for acting like that, because it doesn't fit my parenting philosophy AT ALL. I am still feeling very guilty about it, but I am giving him as much love and hugs as he will take right now trying to make up for it.

I am definitely in a bad situation here, living with my parents who were physically and verbally abusive to me as a child and teen. I left at 18, never to return. . . or so I thought. When I unexpectedly became pregnant, then lost my job, I ended up here because I really didn't want to put my son in daycare. Before deciding to move, I had had a wonderful babysitter (a close friend) for three months, and I was trying to work enough to support us, but then my work fell through and she was moving, so I threw in the towel, thinking moving in with my parents would work out ok, and I thought I could save some money and prevent my son from being in daycare 24-7.

They had seemingly changed (and had apologized for the previous abuse multiple times), but once I was on their turf, all bets were off. They were fairly kind and respectful when I had my own place, but in their place, it's a completely different story. They don't respect the way I want to raise my son, often telling him NO a million times a day for every little thing. They also turn the TV on (to news and other adult programs), when I have a strict no TV policy for him. When I try to mention calmly to my father that I'd like him to do this or that a certain way with my son, he says things like, "You don't know everything. You think you do, but you don't." In short, it's a terrible situation.

I am so wary of daycare, and even if I can find a good one, I don't want to have him in daycare 50 hours a week while I struggle to support us. This is what led me to move in with my parents. I could've worked more, but the combination of not knowing any good nannies or daycares and not wanting him raised by strangers led me here. Now I feel like we are in a toxic environment, but I fear that moving could place us in an equally bad or worse situation. I am so afraid I will cause him immense stress by moving suddenly and dropping him into full time daycare when he has been used to being with me constantly. I always planned on being married/partnered and arranging my schedule with my partner so one of us could always be home. Unfortunately, my son's father simply disappeared.

This is quite long-winded. I appreciate you all bearing with me. I may be going too far afield of the discipline issue here, but I really need and appreciate the support. Any other thoughts would be much appreciated.

I have started looking into daycares. Any suggestions for how do choose a good one? I am so afraid of him being abused, molested, or just simply broken through neglect or having his spirit crushed. He's a very high energy, intense kid, and I also worry about him being labeled as difficult. Maybe I am worrying too much. I want everything to be perfect for him, as so many mothers do. I want him to grow up to feel loved and secure, which is not how I grew up.

I will be moving back to Portland, OR once I move out of my parents' place. If anyone knows of any good daycares there, let me know!

I am just trying so hard to do what's best for my son. It's so hard to balance my needs and what I need to stay sane with what's best for him.

[Bisou]

WuWei:
You are amazing! Thanks so much for all those wonderful resources and ideas. I really really appreciate it.

[Bisou]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Hey there. This is my first post but I felt for you so much I had to just go for it.

My son is almost the same age and I find with him what helps a LOT is getting outside - no where fancy, just in the yard and on the sidewalk. He seems to need us to "explore together" every day and it seems to redirect some of his frustration. I wondered if getting out into nature every day might help your spirits too, and it's free and everywhere. I know this is a lousy season for it but that might help.

Hi Jenn: I find that being outside helps him too, but we've had tons of snow, and it's been terrible here, so that's kept us inside more than I'd like lately. I try taking him out sometimes, but he won't wear gloves or a hat (though I put them on repeatedly) and I worry about frostbite. I think it's warming up a bit though, so that should really help. Thanks for your kind support. I need all of the ideas and support I can get.

[Bisou]

Good ideas

Originally Posted by MuesliMama

I can't give you much hands-on help, because we're just starting to struggle with some of the same issues, but here are some ideas:

You could try journaling the sweet, positive moments you've had with DS each day, just so that you concentrate on the good moments.

Also, try going to the library for parenting books ~ I've gotten a lot of great suggestions on MDC for books (especially in this forum), and I can't tell you how much guidance I've already gotten from them.

And definitely try to find some other moms in your area so you can get some more support! Good luck to you and big hugs.

Hi: Thanks for reminding me to focus on the positive. He does do many cute and sweet things throughout the day, and I don't want to cast him in such a negative light (in my mind or others'). He's a wonderful, smart, funny boy who sometimes (unfortunately) hits really hard! I do need to focus on the wonderful things he's doing.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

Sorry your going through this, can't really offer any advice just hugs

[forthebest]

Hi mama, I reckon hard as it may be you need to move out of the parents house and get your own space again which will help no end, it's way to hard raising dc around people who don't support your parenting choices. I think you are amazing going through all this and am glad the pp's have offered advice, hugs, words, links, support, women are amazing. I have been a single mom for long time, hurt by the lack of care of kids fathers, poverty etc but feel so much more content now.Being on your own can be empowering. Wish I could have seen that at first. My ds was and still is quite hyper, it's hard work, it must be really hard with your ds slapping you and playing up all time. He seems to be laying it all on you, as they do. I hope you can get help with your health as that must make things so much harder to deal with, yet you are dealing with it all , very admirably imo.I'm thinking there must be food herbs remedies that could be of some help in making things more bearable. Here's wishing you and your ds some good outcomes asap on your difficulties and progression towards the kinda life you deserve.

[Bisou]

Somewhat Better Day

I had a terrible day with my parents yesterday and today. My mom is suicidal and being really terrible and verbally abusive. She refuses help, saying counseling and medication never works, but she hasn't tried it. She really sunk into a deep depression when my Grandma died two years ago (this month) and she seems to be getting worse.

It sounds contradictory to call this a better day, but all the strife and turmoil going on caused me to focus on how I want to treat my son, and I gave him every bit of strength, humor, joy, and energy I had today---despite staying up until three in the morning last night looking for apartments and childcare on the internet. My son was much more sweet, kind, and loving today--didn't fight the diaper changes as much and gave me lots of hugs, pats, and kisses. I am trying a suggestion from Dr Sears' Discipline Book which was to direct undesirable behavior, like hitting, into something acceptable, like high fives. This seems to be helping. I also have abandoned time outs for the time being, which also is helping I think. The time outs seemed to only be creating a power struggle. I just prevent him from hitting me, if I can, and try to be so silly and entertaining that he's laughing instead of slapping. Boy, this takes a LOT of energy!!!!!!!

As far as moving, which I think I need to do, I am just so afraid! I am an adjunct (part-time) college English teacher. Those of us who work this way have to piece an income together from several different colleges. Sometimes they don't have classes to offer you due to low enrollment, or sometimes classes get canceled at the last minute and they don't have anything else to offer you. Class schedules change every three months also. I worry most of all about having my classes canceled and then not knowing how I will support us for three months. I also worry about trying to arrange childcare with such a random work schedule. I also don't want him in childcare more than 15-20 hours a week, at the MOST!

Does anyone else feel the way I do about childcare? Any suggestions?

I have no savings and no child support or other income. My son's dad is terrible, so I decided it would be better if he didn't see my son. He abandoned me during my pregnancy, said the baby wasn't his, and didn't show up again until my son was 8 months old. He's never seen him or given him a penny.

On top of the financial worries, I also worry about how I will transition him from living with grandma and grandpa to just us. Despite my parents' problems, they are wonderful and loving with him the majority of the time, and he adores them. They just have severe emotional issues and refuse to go along with most of my parenting philosophies. This probably sounds contradictory to what I've said about them above, but I just want to be fair in my representation of them. It's not all fighting and turmoil, and my mom's whole breakdown today was done out of my son's sight. Still, I know what's going on, which stresses me out, and this translates to him. I think he also picks up on the extreme tension in the household---the body language and avoidance going on.

Anyway, I am ever the long-winded one.

Thanks for listening to me and offering me such wonderful support during this crappy time. I don't have any friends where I live and no social life. I have some friends in Portland, but it's a 3-4 hour round-trip to visit them, depending on traffic, and often that's more than I can handle with the screaming baby in the car.

Again though, thank you.

[mom22girls]

What about a student in an early childhood education program to watch your son while you teach? Do any of the colleges have a co-op (for their students to work at/get hours) with a daycare facility? At least you'd have some notion of who the staff are? Just a suggestion. Your parents' household seems toxic, I'm praying you find a housing alternative!


-H

[thismama]

Oh my gosh, I so feel for you! I can really relate to having your life turn upside down, having things turn out so differently than intended, and feeling stuck and trapped after having a child. My situation is not to the level yours is, but I had planned to have a child with my very dear longterm friend, and things went sour after she was born becoz he didn't want to take responsibility, but wants to be involved. So now I'm stuck dealing with this man I'm intimidated by and living in this crappy town, I lost my job while I was pg and went on welfare, etc etc on and on.

It's really hard! I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, having an illness from your pregnancy and having to live with your abusive parents. So many s to you.

I have no advice really, I struggle with GD myself, and yes I completely understand not wanting to put him in childcare. I stayed home with my daughter til she was 2.5, and would have for longer if I felt she needed it, and even now she is only in care 12 hours/week.

You are doing so great! You are raising your child yourself, under really difficult circumstances, and he sounds very challenging right now. And still you are able to be clear about how you want to raise him and work toward that. Good for you!

Sometimes when I feel totally trapped I remember that it will get easier, my child will grow and need me less, and I will be freer. In your case, one day he will be big enough for daycare or school and you will be able to work and get away from your folks.

In the meantime is there anyway you can go to playgroups or something, hook up with other mamas, get something to do every day? That really kept me sane.

I'm sending you lots of love and support.