How do you manage frustration?

[Caden's Mom]

I'm a bit worried about my parenting style. I try really hard to do GD with DS. I don't want to spank or inflict physical punishment or yell, but it is so hard for me to not to. I got so angry at him (an 11 month old!) because he kept spitting out his medicine and flax oil today. He wouldn't take it and he needs to take it.

I know I'm getting frustrated b/c I'm trying to impose my will on him and really you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. I know these things, I strive for GD, but I'm already falling short. I flicked DS in the cheek today when he spit out his medicine for the third time. I've never hurt him intentionally before and I did today.

I don't want to be an abusive parent. I want my son to feel unconditionally loved. I read the books, but crap, we're hardly at the starting gate and I'm already failing.

I don't think I have an anger management problem, but maybe I do. I feel like a freaking, farking failure.

Anyone have any tips? I can only imagine that a toddler is going to be more frustrating than a baby, and if I'm reacting this way now, what's going to happen then?

[AngelBee]

I too have trouble with my frustration I was raised in a loud Italian family :inncent I tend to yell alot

[Magella]

Take a deep breath. You aren't failing. You haven't failed. You made a mistake. People do that. You aren't alone in making a mistake or becoming angry.

Originally Posted by Caden's Mom

I'm a bit worried about my parenting style. I try really hard to do GD with DS. I don't want to spank or inflict physical punishment or yell, but it is so hard for me to not to. I got so angry at him (an 11 month old!) because he kept spitting out his medicine and flax oil today. He wouldn't take it and he needs to take it.

I know I'm getting frustrated b/c I'm trying to impose my will on him and really you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. I know these things, I strive for GD, but I'm already falling short. I flicked DS in the cheek today when he spit out his medicine for the third time.

During the medicine incident, were you not only frustrated b/c you were trying to impose your will on him and unable to do so, but also worried about his health? Maybe thinking along the lines of "I have to get this medicine in him so he'll stay healthy, and I have to do it right now"? Maybe a little, tiny bit of something along the lines of "if I don't get the medicine in him now, he'll think he doesn't have to take it, and if he gets away with spitting it out now, he'll never take it and that's not okay b/c he needs it to stay healthy"? Or a little bit of something like "if I can't get this medicine in him, he'll get sick and I'll be a bad mom?" Not those things exactly, I'm sure, but anything like that?

I ask b/c I find that my frustration and anger really always has to do with how I'm thinking about a situation along with my own unmet needs or my own values. Particularly freaking out about "having" to do something "right now" because "it is so important" and "something bad" will happen if I don't. Fear is behind a lot of my anger. Frustration too. Worry. And a whole host of other things-thoughts, assumptions, misunderstanding, misperception. I have found that parenting is largely about self-discipline, which includes self-awareness and self-care in addition to cultivating awareness and understanding of my children.

I find that it helps to try to notice when I'm just beginning to feel frustrated or worried or overwhelmed or whatever--and to notice at that point what's going on within myself, take a break (even just to stay where I am, stop talking and doing, close my eyes for a second, and take a breath to calm myself). Pausing helps so much. Get a drink. Decide to deal with the problem later-1 minute later, 5 minutes later, and hour later, whatever-and get calm first. If I don't notice my feelings and remember to stop until I'm already angry, okay, no problem, just do the same: stop, breathe, calm, do it later. There is nothing that can't wait, nothing so urgent I need to risk hurting my child. So it's okay to decide "later, let it go right now."

When I'm calm, and aware of what's behind my anger, then I'll be free to work with and let go of whatever's behind my anger and find other ways of dealing with the problem. And if I do lose it and do something I regret (and I have), then all there is to do is learn from it, apologize to and reconnect with my child, and move on a bit wiser. Parenting his hard. We make mistakes. We're learning and growing right along with our kids. The idea isn't to be perfect (we can't be), but to be doing our best and to be growing.

[DevaMajka]

I have issues too. I've never had anger problems with anyone, but dangit! I can get soooo frustrated and mad at ds.
I am so wholly dedicated to GD, and have been from the time he was 6mos old. Anti-spanking, anti-punishment, etc etc. And...I've spanked him. It was idiotic, and I was so frustrated it just happened (it was because he was harassing a friend's dog- way to teach a lesson, right?) he was young. I'm sure dp was appalled. I've "hand smacked" a time or two.
I hate hate hate to admit that, especially here. But I'm saying it to let you know that it doesn't mean you can't be gd.
Now, with ds as a toddler, I have a much better grip on myself. It's gotten easier, not worse. Because I'm more in touch with me. I still find myself saying slightly shaming things to him, or taking out my frustration on him for something that happened an hour ago. (geez, I sound like a fruit loop!). BUT I catch it, and fix myself.
I was frustrated yesterday, about something stupid (he wanted a nap, but wouldn't go to sleep, so I was stuck in bed for an hour and had other things to do). I found myself taking it out on him, by refusing to play trains. It only took me a minute to know that I had to re-set myself.
I had to reconnect with him, either with a hug, or a game, or reading, or anything that would just let me reconnect. That's the biggest thing, after you calm down, is reconnecting.

This is going to sound really stupid, but sometimes I can stop myself from using shaming words or whatever, by thinking about if I'd want to post that interaction on this board. lol. If I wouldn't want to post it, I best not do it!!! lol
I have a few catch phrases- discipline ideals that I really wholeheartedly believe in. Honor the impulse, assume the best of intentions, mutually agreeable solutions. Just thinking of those phrases really helps me see when the situation needs a drastic overhaul.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by sledg

There is nothing that can't wait, nothing so urgent I need to risk hurting my child. So it's okay to decide "later, let it go right now."

Thank you for saying this :

I realized my frustration usually comes from fear of not meeting other peoples expectations. Ex: Being late.....something I have been teased about my whole life. It is not worth my childrens self esteem. I MUST stop yelling

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by Deva33mommy

This is going to sound really stupid, but sometimes I can stop myself from using shaming words or whatever, by thinking about if I'd want to post that interaction on this board. lol. If I wouldn't want to post it, I best not do it!!! lol

I do this too. Or imagine Jesus sitting in the room

[northcountrymamma]

Not feeling so gd these days

whoa...don't know how this ended up here...was trying to start a new thread!

[oxana]

I too have trouble with my frustration. No way to how to control it.





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[carmel23]

I've noticed that certain things set me off--like when my kids dump food out on the kitchen floor after I've mopped it I know they don't mean to spill so much (well, most of the time ). But sometimes I forget they don;t always do it intentionally ...

My dh has issues with poop--he tends to loose his cool if our 2 year old poops in the bathtub , so I just laugh and take care of it...

but certain things might get under your skin ... my five year old makes this really obnoxious sound(s) ...and it is almost like an involuntary response. I just have to keep this situations in mind and not let them sneak up on me (like someone knowing that they don't like to be late and just being aware of that and keeping your responses in check)..

And trying to get a lot of sleep--I tend to have a short fuse when I'm tired