Would we ever be eligible to adopt?

[snuggly mama]

At this point, we are not actively pursuing adoption, but I would like to consider it in the future, maybe 2-5 years from now. I have done a little bit of research and lurked around here a bit, so I have some sense of adoption options, but I am worried that we might have a hard time because of our situation. We have 3 bio children, our youngest has special needs that are fairly significant. We are considering either state adoption of a child or international adoption of a child with SN. Would the situation with our dd make that more difficult in any way? Would we be eliminated from any programs?

Like I said, we are a ways off from pursuing this idea, but I'd like to have a heads up about things we need to think about.

[queencarr]

I don't think it would be an automatic disqualification for most programs; you would be mroe likely to be dq'd for a "large" family size . You would probably need to be prepared to show how you could meet additional lifelong $ expenses of another SN child in addition to your current SN child, as well as resources, programs etc. that would be available to you. Be sure to state your experiences wth a positive spin, i.e. "we are famliar with the X programs in our area having worked with them in the past to meet dc3 needs" , "we are comfortable providing this level of home care, and have demonstrated through our experiences with dc3 that we are more than capable of meeting them." I would be prepared to also show a strong support system for you and your emotional needs, as well as those of your other children. Good luck!

[Sierra]

Of course, we are (hopefully!) adopting a second time now, so it may make a difference that we are already in the "system..." no way to tell, but at least in terms of special needs, the fact that ds has special needs was in many ways seen as an asset because we knew how to get services, we had relationships with a variety of service providers, we knew of therapies even they didn't know about...basically, they knew we could handle anything that would come up in our kidos.

With a special needs adoption (which includes almost all state adoptions but is not limited to state adoptions), you can apply for adoption support through your state, which is essentially financial support in covering the therapeutic needs of the child until s/he reaches 18. They do ask on the application basically how you will cover the needs of the child on your own, but you can specify that you will use a variety of resources such as Early Intervention, your family's health insurance, etc. That all counts-- they don't expect you to show that you can pay for every little bit out of pocket.

The biggest issue if we want to adopt again after this one (and dfd's birthmother is pregnant again, so we may have to seriously discuss this with them in May) is the size of our family vs. the size of our house.

[Starr]

As long as you don't have your heart set on a speciifc program I think you will be fine. I'm sure there are certain countries who may look closely at your current situation, more than others. But I certainly don't see how you would be disqualified for every program. Alot of the issues you mentioned would be covered in your homestudy and how they write it up and protray you. We had a red flag because of our age, 21 at the time, but our social worker wrote it up in a way that made it look positive for us. Good luck.

[RedOakMomma]

I posted something similar a year ago--

We have three bio kids, and the two oldest are twins with pretty severe developmental delays (they have seizures, cognitive delays, physical delays, and are non-verbal). We were worried that we might get turned away by international agencies.

We first pursued an adoption in China through the Great Wall agency. They were very, very helpful. They can talk about your specific situation with the CCAA (Chinese adoption authorities) before you put any money down... they can't give 100% assurances, but they can give you a pretty good idea of whether you'll be accepted or not. In the end, we couldn't go with China because we didn't make enough money (10K per person in the family).

We then looked to Korea. We found an agency in Michigan that works with out-of-state couples. The nice thing about this agency is it's the US-based social workers that match babies to families, so it's very easy for a person that knows your family (your social worker) to have a clear idea if you'll be able to parent a baby while having other special needs kids. In this case, it's your social worker (the person conducting your homestudy) that makes the decision if you'll be a good adoptive family or not--and that's nice, because then you don't need to worry about some international office on the other side of the world saying "NO" just because they see you have special needs kids.

Our homestudy was a little different, possibly, than the homestudy of a more typical family. We had to get a letter from the boys' special ed teacher about how we are as a family (in terms of supporting kids with special needs). Where we talked about Ian and James' special needs the most was in our homestudy autobiographies--about how their special needs have changed our lives, and changed us as parents. Honestly, the social worker didn't even blink at the thought of placing a baby with a family that had two special needs kiddos...I think (like previous posters mentioned) she sees it as making us stronger, better parents. It's important to be upfront and open about your child's disabilities and how it's changed you as a family, and it's important to have life insurance and will, and they will want to know you've discussed guardianship and financial resources for the future--but you don't have to show that you're "perfectly" prepared or anything. We also wanted to show the SW that, just because our boys are disabled, that doesn't prevent us from getting out and about with them. We were very sure to talk about how active we are as a family, and how we make very special efforts at doing fun things as a family.

Another place where our boys' needs came up was in the homestudy session where we talked about our marriage and our relationship... we talked about how families with special needs kids have higher divorce rates, and how we're being proactive about keeping our marriage strong despite the stresses. We were very open with her about going for marriage therapy, and about what we've worked on in therapy, and about how we work with the stress. (That being said, it's important to realize that you're working to portray yourself in an honest, but GOOD way...you can talk about therapy, but the homestudy isn't a therapy session, if you know what I mean.)

PM me if you have any questions, or if I can be of any help. I think, in most programs, being the parents of a kiddo with special needs will probably reflect very well on you as parents. It might help if you can find an agency that does the placement matching here in the US, rather than overseas, but even that isn't really necessary. Remember--a lot of adoptive parents adopt multiple special needs children, or some special needs and some typically developing children--so agencies are used to seeing families with kids that have special needs.

Good luck! This has been a great, positive experience for our family so far--I hope it is for yours, too!

[sak9645]

I've heard of many adoptive families like yours. Your situation doesn't absolutely deny you the right to adopt. However, it may pose barriers, depending on specific circumstances.

The larger your family, the fewer your options will be. Some countries, such as China, Korea, Nepal, etc., have family size restrictions. And many American birthmothers prefer to place their newborns with childless couples or families with one or two children.

If you have an existing child with significant special needs, the homestudy social worker will need to determine that:

a) You have the money and insurance to provide for the special care that he/she requires, while still parenting any healthy children you may have and meeting the needs of any new healthy or special needs child that you adopt.

b) You have the time to provide the special care that he/she requires, while still parenting any healthy children you have and meeting the needs of any new or special needs child that you adopt.

c) The existing child's special needs do not make him a threat to the health or safety of your other children or any children you may adopt. As an example, a child with serious emotional disorders could physically harm a baby; a child who is a carrier of HIV could infect other family members who come into contact with his/her bodily fluids.

If you have the money and time to raise an additional child, and a home that is safe and loving, I would strongly urge you to find a program that will accept you. There ARE agencies that are supportive of larger families, and especially families willing to accept children with special needs.

Sharon

[plates]

I really don't think it will matter. I see stories on tv all the time about large families who have adopted ALL special needs children and do just fine! I know of one family who just adopted their 13th baby!! through private adoption.

Also if you personally pursue private infant adoption, it won't matter at all! You put the word out that you are looking to adopt and through word of mouth, find a birthmom looking for an adoptive family. It doesn't have to be expensive. Agency fees are expensive. But private adoption doesn't have to be. Our only expense was attorney fees to file paperwork and travel expenses to pick up dd when she was born. Then we received it ALL back when we filed taxes! I did all the legwork though, to find a birthmom. Network, network, network. Tell everyone that you want to adopt and you never know! It can take years for some people--took only months for me! Timing is everything.

We lived in a state where it was against the law to give birthmom money for anything so it was not expensive for us. Some states do allow it.

The birthmother chooses the adoptive family for her child. You might find a birthmom who has close ties to a special needs child that picks your family. Or just clicks with you right away. It most likely won't be an issue at all!