For those of you that didn't tell your parents

[lhowlett]

That sounds like we're kids, sorry. Anyway, I was at my mom's last night and we were talking casually about labor and such (she had all 3 of her deliveries naturally with the last one in a birth center) and she said "oh I would NEVER support a birth outside of a medical facility!". : BTW, she's a nurse practitioner, very medical minded.
I said "why?" and she just gave medial excuses like it's dangerous and they don't have any training or equitment. Obviously she's wrong on all sides and doesn't understand hb midwives carry anything a birth center does. It is so interesting how even though we've both had natural deliveries we have such different feelings on labor and birth. She just didn't want a needle in her back, that was it. I on the other hand object to the drugs and the cascade of interventions that follow and all the other bad things that come with intervened labors.
Anyway, I've had 2 hospital deliveries, 1 very intervened and this last one very natural. I'm not pregnant right now and haven't let her know I'm interested in a hb, but after last night's comment, I feel like I'd have to keep it a secret if I wanted to hb. I would like to have her there, but I couldn't because of her attitude right now.
So, a novel later, for those of you who kept it a secret from parents or other very close family, how did it go after the birth? Did you call them up and say "hey come over to our house, we have a surprise!"? How did they react? I don't want to deceive anyone. I feel like that hides homebirth and says that it is risky, I want to be proud of it.

[Gray's Mommy]

I am not sure how old you mom is, but that may have quite a bit to make her more pro hospital birth.

My mom didn't bat an eye when I told her our hb plans. She was more concerned if I was going to UC or not

[Lynski]

We just called to announce she was here. When they asked questions like "what hospital are you at?" We said none, we had her at home. There was a lot of shock and disbelief. : My stepmom is a nurse and very medical minded, she was upset we didn't tell her before until I told her we didn't want to worry anyone. She actually agreed that she would have been extremely worried and we did the right thing to not tell her in advance. Quite the shock.

[Snowdrift]

Oh, the drama. Let's see. My mother hates homebirth. The first time I was pg (I miscarried) she had lots of negative things to say about homebirththe first time I mentioned the word 'midwife.'

With my second pg we just lied to her. I figure if she doesn't want to lied to then she shouldn't make other people's lives a misery to them when they disagree with her. If she's gonna be insufferable, I'm gonna lie. It worked fine until they called up to say hi when I was in labor, started interrogating me about which birth center I was going to (like asking the street address and such). Since I wasn't actually birthing there and was IN LABOR I didn't remember that stuff. So later on in labor my DH called them up and basically told them we'd lied and that we had done so bc we were doing what we were doing and we didn't feel liek putting up with BS and they could suck it up and be nice or they could just pout and not show up to see the baby.

They never said another word

[lhowlett]

My mom is mid 40's. My youngest brother is 15 and I think she was like early 30's when he was born.

I think it would be so hard to not tell anyone. Even though it isn't her birth and isn't her buisness I enjoy sharing the anticipation and emotional experience. I enjoy talking about it and not being able to sounds kind of lonely

[ericswifey27]

I told my mom even though I know she hates the idea. I thought after my sister had a beautiful, healthy baby at home I could finally get some peace from her but nope.

oh well, I don't care. I have never really cared what my mother thinks. She is very negative and I have learned to ignore it. I have done lots of research- if she wants to continue to be ignorant that is her problem.

I did tell her the baby is due later than he really is That way by the time she starts bugging me hopefully the baby will be born already.

[MotheringHeart]

We did not tell my ILs for two BIG reasons. The first one was that I knew they would not be supportive AT ALL and I just didn't want to hear the lectures and know that mil was talking about me behind my back. The second one was that mil has no boundaries and would have been calling every day to see if the baby was there yet. (We also didn't tell them when I went into labor, we just called once the baby was born) I'm not sure it is really anyone else's business but you and DHs. If they aren't going to be supportive, just don't answer their questions.

After DS was born (he was the first homebirth) she called and said in a very snide and rude voice "well aren't you just sooo brave." It made me sick and I still hate talking to her about it.

[bobandjess99]

Originally Posted by MotheringHeart

After DS was born (he was the first homebirth) she called and said in a very snide and rude voice "well aren't you just sooo brave." It made me sick and I still hate talking to her about it.

WOW...my response would have been "You've just lost your first month's worth of visiting rights. Wanna try for two?"

[saratchka]

Originally Posted by MotheringHeart

After DS was born (he was the first homebirth) she called and said in a very snide and rude voice "well aren't you just sooo brave." It made me sick and I still hate talking to her about it.

How horrid! I probably would have just said "No, not really," and hung up. Then again, I don't really care that much about being liked by my IL's. I actually like my IL's very much, but I've grown tired of trying to be the DIL they want rather than the person I am. And there's friction about my parenting choices, lately. Right now MIL isn't talking to me, and I'm pretty much okay with that.

To the OP, I went ahead and told family members whom I knew would not approve. Learning after the fact would have caused a much bigger rift than telling ahead of time would. Most took it better than I'd expected, though the occasional snide comment is certainly not unkown. (My sister refers to my MW as "the fake doctor" and reminds me frequently and pointedly that she's praying for me - DH and I are atheists.) The only person we're not telling is my father's mother. She would literally worry herself sick over it. I don't plan to tell her afterward, either. But our families are all quite far away, so we don't see them all that often, which makes things easier.

[Belle]

I'm having kedyboared probledms, so pledase forgived any misspellings.

Wed told our parednts that wed were having a homebirth. Noboedy said anything about it. My MIL saw hedr younger brother born at home when she was a girl, so she was very supportive. My mom, who is vedry medical, was more concedrneed that wed wedrn't going to have a boy circeed than having thed baby at homed.

We lost that child ina miscarriaged aned I hedmmorrhaged, my mom is now vedry antaogonistic to my miedwiveds. Shed thinks that they ediscourageed med from going to thed hospital as soon as I found out i was miscarrying. So I don't think I'll tedll her about any future homedbirths. I think I'll just call her after the baby's born.

[urbangoddess]

We're not telling my mom, I'm 39 weeks now, she'll just get the phone call to come over to our apartment after the birth. When she asked where I was having the baby I simply relpied a birth center. Technically wherever I am giving birth will be a birth center for that moment!

I could also totally see my mom being the type to retort with snide aren't you soo brave!

[Josette Marie]

I was gradually working my way into telling my family, when I miscarried.
In my family, it's like a rite of passage, once you have lost then no one questions your methods.

Now, I am very open with my plans. I figure, I am the one in labor, I am going through all this pain if they are so concerned they can research it themselves.

My mom and dad are very fine with it. My husbands parents don't know yet....
When I told them we don't vaccinate his mom was very interested but his dad seemed alittle ...unbelieving of our research (dr.Sherri Tenpenny). So, I don't know if we should tell them or wait until he/she is born.
I'd rather wait.

[hrutledge]

We didn't tellmany people until after dd ws born. When we called to say she was born we said and oh by the way we're at home We didn't hide it so much because we were worried about what they would say. I was more concerned with people stopping by during labor. Although we have received some strange comments about homebirth that I'm glad I didn't have to deal with while I was preg. At least afterward I was too tired to focus much on what they were saying

[BeckiB]

We have told our parents we'll either birth at home, or at a freestanding birthing center, and luckily we haven't encountered resistance. Since I'm still seeing if DH would be comfortable with a homebirth, their support was very important.

[ClassiclyAmber]

Both of our parents knew...but we did NOT tell my grandparents! When my MamMaw (dad's mom) found out that I had switched over to a midwife for prenatal care (while preggo with Nolan), she said, "You better NOT be havin' that baby at home!! The ONLY safe place to have a baby is the HOSPITAL!!" and I just let it slide...and did NOT come out and tell her our plans. My idea was that she would just have to wait and see the truth for herself.

Well, we DID have a totally awesome HB, and Nolan even ended up being surprise frank breech! You can read his birth story here:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=597800

Anyway, my grandmothers - especially - were just shocked and dumbfounded when they found out that I had had Nolan at home...and especially when they heard his birth story!! I will never forget that day! My MawMaw and PawPaw came to see Nolan, and MawMaw was asking tons of questions and very curious. She sat across from me on the chair and said, "Well...I certainly was wrong!! You would have had to have a major abdominal surgery if you had been in the hospital giving birth. Wow!" and she has totally changed her tune ever since. That is saying a LOT, too, since MawMaw is very negative minded and set in her ways. My last birth experience has impacted everyone around me for the positive, and people that I know who didn't think it could be done were proven wrong...and are starting to see childbirth differently.

I love it!!

[Einen]

Originally Posted by ClassiclyAmber

Anyway, my grandmothers - especially - were just shocked and dumbfounded when they found out that I had had Nolan at home...and especially when they heard his birth story!! I will never forget that day! My MawMaw and PawPaw came to see Nolan, and MawMaw was asking tons of questions and very curious. She sat across from me on the chair and said, "Well...I certainly was wrong!! You would have had to have a major abdominal surgery if you had been in the hospital giving birth. Wow!" and she has totally changed her tune ever since. That is saying a LOT, too, since MawMaw is very negative minded and set in her ways. My last birth experience has impacted everyone around me for the positive, and people that I know who didn't think it could be done were proven wrong...and are starting to see childbirth differently.

I love it!!

How wonderful!

We didn't tell my parents about the homebirth, before or after. They would have been against it and would have WORRIED my whole pregnancy.

We told them we were having the baby at a birth center (they weren't very happy about that) and that you can go home a few hours after the birth. We didn't call until after the baby was born and they live 2 hours away so they couldn't come see us immediately.

I'm not sure if we'll tell for this next baby or not.

[Jilian]

I told my mom, but only because I need her to watch DS during labor. She isn't very supportive but hasn't said anything bad about it either - I'm just waiting for her anti-HB campaign to start.

We did not tell DP's mother or anyone else in the family. I don't plan on telling anyone until after. I really don't feel like hearing all of their horror stories or lectures. I don't feel like explaining myself, they will never agree that HB is safe and it is just a waste of my time trying to convince them.

[Full Heart]

My parents are totally supportive. My ils are totally uninformed so I don't think it mattered to them how or where we did anything. Now my bils and sils are a different story. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. If you ask you can't say anything negative about their response and if you tell be prepared for any amount of criticism that comes. It works for us. Basically we have very shallow relationship with them.

Obviously for us its not gonna strain cause its about as strained as it can get. But that would be something to consider. I don't care who knows what and I have no problem debating anything with them, but I don't think they want to hear it so they keep quiet. I respect that and don't say anything either.

[lrlittle]

I didn't have a homebirth, but we did hide the fact that we planned on having DS vaginal breech, albeit in a hospital. We were stressed enough as it was with having to research everything, change providers last minute and I didn't have it in me to explain and argue with all my family members that NO the doctors don't know best and NO having him breech isn't going to kill anyone.

I'd say things haven't been the same in our family since his birth. : But I'd also say I'd do it the same way over again. I didn't have the energy to try and educate my family. But my family is SO dramatic and in your face. So I'm "forced" to go the passive agressive route. And I'm good at it Not a good situation to be in, but I stand by my choice. Good luck with yours!

[StacyL]

We had an attempted UC in our first that ended in an emergency transfer, so we DID NOT tell our inlaws for our second that we were having (a midwife attended) homebirth.

We let them assume we were going to the hospital.

About 4 hours after the birth, we called them and told them the baby was born and that it was at home and that everything was great and they were totally amazed. My FIL said I sounded like a million bucks and not like I had just had a baby! The baby was 10 lbs. 2 oz. , BTW. We explained we hadn't told them so they wouldn't be worried during the pregnancy.

That very night they saw an episode of Dateline NBC where a woman died with (baby too) after being induced at the hospital, and they called the next morning to say how happy they were we had the baby at home! Unbelievable!