How to tell a 9 yr old about sex/babies

[StarChild]

Hi,
I have a 9 yr old daughter and my sister was recently pregnant. DD asked me how you get a baby...Do you just wish for one? I told her that you can wish for one, but that doesn't always mean you'll get it. I thought maybe that was it, but she has been pushing for more lately.
She is a very young 9, very sheltered from media, etc. She doesn't really have any friends outside of our Waldorf school...so I don't think she has heard much from outside sources.
What do you think is appropriate to tell her? I don't want to give too much and freak her out.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[browneyedsol]

I'm curious about others' responses. I have a ten year old boy in the same position. It's time, and I would like to teach him holistically--yet not reveal more than he needs to know at this point. Why isn't there more readily available good advice on this very common issue? Just questioning the Universe. :-)

[orangefoot]

My 10 year old knows as doe my 13 year old but we have had 2 babies in the last 4 years so we have been talking about it for a while now.

Maybe you could work backwards: she knows there's a baby in the belly. Ask her where in the belly? Not the stomach or intestines, women have a uterus to grow the baby in... it grows from an egg...where does the egg come from? How does the baby get out? Where is that? This can lead to how the sperm got in.

Start her off with some questions then see where she goes with her questions. Be as honest and as straightforward as you can and think of what she might ask so you are prepared with some simple answers. It may be that this takes weeks with her asking you more as she thinks of more things to ask.

I don't think its too shocking because its a process which is relatively easy to understand if you already talk about plants and flowers and growth and development that's why the euphemisms of the birds and the bees came about!

I'm just talking about the basics: all the things about relationships and different contexts will come later when she begins to wonder about them so I wouldn't worry about getting that in at the start.

[MizLiz]

Originally Posted by orangefoot

I don't think its too shocking because its a process which is relatively easy to understand if you already talk about plants and flowers and growth and development that's why the euphemisms of the birds and the bees came about!

I'm just talking about the basics: all the things about relationships and different contexts will come later when she begins to wonder about them so I wouldn't worry about getting that in at the start.

: Both of my kids know technically how a baby is made... my four-year-old loves to talk about sperm and eggs, the same as she likes to talk about digestion and other biological functions... I'd suggest getting a book (such as the Usborne flip-flap Body Book) that you can look at with your dd about this subject, particularly if you have no idea where to start.

My ds (11 yrs) talks to me more about why people want to have relationships in the first place (he has a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of spouses at this point!). He has known all about the biological aspects of pregnancy for quite some time... he still has lots to learn about the 'people' side of it but it will come!

[MamaChicken]

I bought my DS (8 yo) the book "It's So Amazing" when I got pregnant a few months ago. Although it does not give details about sexual intercourse, it does mention it and leads to good conversations.

http://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing...e=UTF8&s=books

I can't say enought good things about it.

[PiePie]

ok, it's not about sex, but it will give tweens the info they should know about the human body: the book called "some body!" by p. rowan. you peel back vinyl pages for an anatomy lesson.

[oldcrunchymom]

My 8yo (almost 9) was just asking about this the other day. She asked about my period and the conversation moved on from there. I tried to explain it all correctly but I could tell she was kind of : about the whole thing. I have the book "A Child is Born" and I'm going to try showing her that. Actual photos are probably more helpful than my ramblings.

[Jessy1019]

I would just be straightforward (well, that's what I have done with my four year old). I explained sex as something that people do both for pleasure and to make babies, and went through the "steps" explaining vaginal intercourse, and how sometimes the egg and sperm connect, implant in the uterus, and a fetus begins growing. I was pregnant when dd was 3.5, so it was a great chance to talk about all of it.

[zinemama]

Definitely be straightforward. Your dd will only be "freaked out" if you convey the impression that her question is freaking YOU out and that there is anything embarrassing about what you are telling her.

Like pp, my 7yo has known all about the penis going into the vagina since he was 4. Now that he's older, he understands that there are emotional issues attached to sex, but back then, it was strictly the mechanics. At 9, your dd is ready to hear about both aspects.

I highly second or third the recommedation of It's So Amazing, which is really a terrific book.

[Mama2-4]

I had the "talk" with my DD about 16 months ago, right after the baby was born. I am a nurse and have always been very frank and honest about things with her so it wasn't that bad. She also attended the birth of our middle son, so that helped a lot!! Anyway, to get the conversation going we used the book that American Girl puts out called The Care and keeping of You. It is nice and basic. She reads it from time to time and feels very comfortable coming to me with questions.

[terrordactyl]

i'd be straight forward about it. soon enough 'i was 11' she will get her moon and needs to know what will happen

[mamakarata]

my dd was 9 when i gave her a book on it. she was very grateful for it. after an afternoon of reading it, she was all alight with knowledge and felt rellieved she said, because friends were full of answers at school and she was ready for detailed facts.

i had a wise teacher whom i respected give advice on this, and she had said to answer what they ask, but no more and no less. that the child will ask further if they want further. and early on (like 3 or something) it went something "where do babies come from?" answer "from the mamas egg and the dad seed"- pause (for like days, weeks or months) "how does it get in the belly?" answer "dads and moms seed comes together when they feel much love together and get very close (pause for days or weeks) etc-

now this started very young (like when they first saw a pregnant belly or something) and it seems to work. my son's eyes start glazing over if i give him too long of an answer, so if he presses, i go further. it is like child led learning!

he pressed at about 4yo and got to the penis/vagina answer, very matter of fact, and i haven't heard a word for about a year now. like my daughter did, he'll come back for more when he is ready i am sure. i think since everyone is different, it will be a different time line of course, but for sure they have led the charge so far.

[moondiapers]

Whatever you do, do it soon.....my dd and her friends talked and giggled about sex in 2nd grade at her waldorf school.

[dukeswalker]

It's Not the Stork is a great book!

[StarChild]

Thanks for all the great responses everyone! I got "It's So Amazing" out of the library and she has been looking through it. She isn't the best reader yet, but she's getting there. She looked at it a bit and asked a few questions.
She has mainly been interested in the nude drawings of age progression in there.
I heard from another parent in our class, back in the fall, that one girl in her class was telling many of the others about sex. DD never mentioned anything about it and I casually asked a little to see if she wanted to offer anything at the time, but she didn't. She did not seem embarassed about anything in the book so far though, so that is good.
I don't remember my mom telling us anything and I got my first period at nine! I learned some at school, but was very private and didn't want to talk to my mom about it all.
DD is a lot thinner than I was, and no development at all so far...so I hope she still has a few years until she starts hers.
I am trying to be as open and casual about it as possible, so she will feel free to talk to me about anything she wants. I am nervous though!

[Ruthla]

I think a 9yo is old enough for the basic details- sperm comes out the penis, is deposited in the vagina, where the sperm travels up the fallopian tubes and meets up with an egg, which implants in the uterus....

I woudln't give more details about erections or sexual conduct or STDs or anything like that unless asked. Well, for a boy I'd probably explain that an erection is needed to put the penis in the vagina, since I assume he's already familiar with having erections, but I woudln't volunteer that for a girl who wasn't already familiar with the concept (maybe from watching little brothers in the bathtub?).

[operamommy]

Originally Posted by MizLiz

My ds (11 yrs) talks to me more about why people want to have relationships in the first place (he has a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of spouses at this point!).

My 11 year old ds has told me before that if he ever wants kids he'll just clone himself - that way he won't have to get married or have sex. :

StarChild, I think most parents are nervous about discussing the topic of sex, etc. I've always been very matter-of-fact with my kids, and like pp said, just gave them the answers to what they asked without adding anything extra. My ds1 was 4 when he asked, "But HOW does the seed get to the egg?" My dd didn't ask till just this year, and she's almost 9.

[2mama]

DD 9 asked about this last summer (at 8) when we told her we were expecting #3. She is very sheltered as well, we don't have a t.v. and they don't teach that in the magic tree house books! During my last pregnancy (when she was 6-7) I told her that mommy and daddy love each other very much and decided to have another baby. So together we put daddy's fishy with mommies egg and let it grow into a baby in mommy's uterous. We explained the organs and their functions at that time. This timearound it wasn't that easy and one day she asked exacty how does the sperm get into the uterous? I tried betting around the bush but it was no use. So I very matter of factly told her that when a mommy and daddy want to have a baby the daddy puts his penis inside the mommy's vagina and the fishes come out and swim up to the uterous where that baby is made and grows. She was initally grossed out by this... Then the questions began flying, some of which I answered and some of which I DID NOT!! (like where do you do that and how does the daddy get his penis in there, do you have to spread your legs) I left those ?'s unanswered a rediected quickly!!!

Good luck! I'm glad I'm done with that for now!!

[Individuation]

I second the reccomendation for "It's So Amazing." And I follow it up with a funny story:

A good friend's DD recently asked her mom how babies were made, and was given a full and complete answer. Well, the next day, another friend arrived at the playground with her six kids in tow and you could SEE my friend's DD's eyes popping out of her head, and the wheels turning in her brain as she counted the children. She barely waited until she was out of earshot to run to her mom and say "Mommy... does this mean she had SIX sexes?"

[snowyowl]

My daughter is 9. She's known about sex and conception since she was about 5 and her aunt was pregnant. I followed her lead in terms of how much she wanted to know and she wanted all the details : I tried to answer her questions in as age-appropriate a way as I could.

She's had the American Girl book The Care and Keeping of You for a couple of years now. I told her if she was ever too shy to ask a question about something she read in it (or anything she heard from friends) she could put a post-it note with her question on the relevant page and leave it on my bed and I would either talk to her or send a note back, whichever she preferred. It's a little embarrassing sometimes but it's really important to me that she knows we can talk about anything she has questions about. My mom is a nurse so I got excellent medical information when I was that age but I also got the message that "nice" little girls don't talk about stuff like that.