gd help for dummies!!

[northcountrymamma]

So I am a pretty calm mamma...I don't raise my voice, would NEVER spank, I don't talk down to dd, BUT I am having a really hard time being the kind of parent I know I can be lately...

Dd is almost 3, she is wonderful...but I am seeing the bad in myself from some new behaviours she is demonstrating. I didn't even realize I gave her ultimatums, until yesterday she gave me one and I wondered where she learned something like that. I thought I was giving her choices of appropriate behaviours...turns out NOPE they were ultimatums and I have been in a pretty frusterated state of mind lately.

I don't think I am a bad parent...just going through a bad patch. I just cant seem to think of what I am supposed to be doing right now.

For example...if she says I wont do it...what do I say? Okay don't do it and this is what will happen when it isn't done...or do I say I think you should do it and make it into a littl game...or am I completely forgetting what this is all about.

For a while I needed to do nothing, but then I started working and now things are in turmoil, our routine is thrown off. It used to be that we would just flow together and there was never issue with anything...now it seems that there is issue with everything!!

I need some reading material again...positive parenting just isnt' giving me the answers I need today!

[northcountrymamma]

beuller???

[mamaduck]

Just waking up here. Sorry -- I would have answered sooner, but its really early in the morning, at least where I live. Sometimes it takes a few hours to start getting responses.

Isn't it great when our kids reflect back our worst habits? Well, great in the sense that we have an opportunity to recognize it and make a change. They also tend to reflect our nice habits sometimes too.

One thing that helped me, was to adjust my language from the "If...... Then......." paradigm by reframing to "When...... Then......" "If" sounds like a threat, and it sounds like what you want done is optional. It presents the opportunity for a clash of wills. But "when, then" states an inevitability, and teaches that there is a flow and an order to the sequence of events in life. It teaches that there are certain things that need to happen before we can move on to other things. There is no implicit threat. I am not saying that you might never get that nice next thing. I'm just saying -- it won't be until after this thing happens.

Also, its an easy jump for you to make in terms of habitual phrasing. Just a small thing, really.

Another suggestion -- try depersonalizing what you ask. When something occurs, instead of "when you do it."

For example, here are 4 phrases. Which one would be the least provoking and most constructive?

1) If you don't pick up the toys, you can't go outside.
2) If you pick up the toys, you can go outside.
3) When you pick up the toys, you can go outside.
4) When the toys are picked up, we will go outside.

I like the last option. It uses "when, then" and it is nuetral instead of commanding. "When the toys are picked up," allows for some creativity in how that job might be accomplished. It allows that she might ask for your help. Finally, it allows you to do it FOR her, and move on, without backing down on anything you've asserted. That is a useful "out" to keep on the back burner, because you don't want to spend an hour locked in a power struggle over toys on the floor, kwim?

Gosh, I hope some of this was coherent. I'm still working on my first cup of coffee.

[northcountrymamma]

Greatly helpful...I think just changing those few words is enough to make a huge difference...just something I couldn't get straight on my own.

Great intention to set for my day!!! Thanks, you must be amazing after coffee cuz that's pretty darn articulate for before it!

[gaialice]

Originally Posted by northcountrymamma

For example...if she says I wont do it...what do I say? Okay don't do it and this is what will happen when it isn't done...or do I say I think you should do it and make it into a littl game...or am I completely forgetting what this is all about...

Well, the answer is that there is NO WAY you can make her do things she does not want to do! And, that is just human nature, it does not make you a bad parent at all, just the opposite!!

I just re-read an article about non-violent communication and the author makes this point very clearly, that people will resist very strongly outside pressure directed at making them do something, even if it is a small request and even if they would otherwise have done it, if they feel that the other person is taking away from them their freedom of choosing their behaviours independently.

Nevertheless, obviously, there will be things that need to get done. I really struggle with that a lot. Recently there was a thread on this forum that I learnt a lot from about encouraging kids to help out in the house. Some great ideas were:
- to make cleaning up part of the plan of the day,
- not asking to do something right now but asking for an indication of when dc wants to do that
- making it into a game
- concentrate your communication on how you would like to do clean up so that you would have lots of room to play, rather than how you are yourseld finding that you need and have to clean up although you feel it is ever so unpleasant etc.
Well, we've tried some things out and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but I am really trying to respect their autonomy and let them choose a way how to help out and things have improved a bit... HTH

[mamaduck]

Hm. I'm in school, too. Maybe I should try writing my papers early in the morning before my coffee.



Or NOT!!

[WuWei]

I agree with gaialice, the NVC tools of effective communication help me to state observations, explore feelings, express needs and make requests in a "power with", rather than "power over" dynamic. I especially like this article, “compassionate connection: attachment parenting and nonviolent communication”

http://www.cnvc.org/motherin.htm


Pat