What coudl i have done different?

[abandbunk]

Ok i am feeling bad about this, meaning i *know* i could have done better, but still after thinking about it all night i still don't know *how* i could have done different.

My son is 4 yrs old, (and dd 2 1/2 yrs) we are at teh supermarket yesterday, and he wanted to go into the mall (it connects to the store) and i am trying to hurry and pick out dinner so we can get home, i know i should have made more of an effort to do something he likes while we were out (we didnt', we just went to three different stores), so anyway, instead of standing w/me at the seafood counter he RUNS OFF, he has never done this before, and i honestly didnt' know how to react, so i waited a moment to see if he was really going to "take off" and he went around the corner, i ran over (w/my 2 1/2 yr old) and he was right there, pushing the buttons on the ATM ( ) so i took his hand and got down on his level and said "you have two options, either hold my hand thru the store or we go to the car" UGH @@ I HATE saying things like this, but i really don't konw what i could have done differently.

I did think of a few things that may have helped 1. First off reconsider the request, when i look back, we spent at least 10 min "arguing" about this, in that amount of time he could have taken a couple quick rides on the lion (riding 25 cent toy thing) and that way he would have been happy and it STILL wouldn't have taken anylonger, so , in as in AK UP i should have "reconsidered the request" and it IS fair that he gets to do something too.... 2.i think another thing i could have done was to get a cart and have him help me push it....make him more involved......

so this is my problem, and it is MY problem, i feel when he puts his foot down and exerts his need for control, by saying "no i am going into the mall" my hackles go up and i immediatly need to "feel in control" EVEN THO I KNOW BETTER UGH, so if he had said "mom can we go ride the lion before we leave" i probably would have been fine w/that, but instead i get into a power struggle w/him (what a waste of time) which is so stupid, and i know better, but anyway, moral of the story, i guess i'm looking for any ideas or suggestions .....

[lactivist]

First I don't think what you did was terrible. I do think you probably could have avoided the situation by realizing that going to three different stores was probably a bit much without anything special for him. I don't want to pick apart what you did because I think you want to do differently and are working towards that and are very close to an ideal interaction. One suggestion I do have is that maybe instead of expecting him to just know how to ask properly you could use that moment of power struggle as a learning time. Instead of fighting with him about it and exerting your authority maybe you could get down to his level and say something to the effect of "i can see you want to go to mall and ride the lion but when you run away I get scared. Can you ask me to go instead of just telling me and then running" "I would like to go with you and have fun and when I get scared I can't have fun" "Would you be willing to stop and ask me and make sure that we are all having fun?" You get my drift. When you feel that moment of power struggle (when your hackles go up) take a deep breath and think about how you could use this as a teaching moment so that you can get what you want in the future. I do really think you are doing a great job.
Wendi

[mamaduck]

I also think you handled it well. Its a lot to expect yourself to survive three stores, in the afternoon, with 2 little kids. I don't think I would try that unless I had some sort of masochistic streak in me. :LOL But giving 2 limited options in response to VERY unsafe behavior is (IMO) a perfectly reasonable way to handle it.

You don't always have to do something fun for him when you are out. Its nice when you do. But errands are errands, and sometimes they aren't fun. But we need to eat. Talking about the connection between food shopping and having nice meals at home might be a worthwhile conversation. Though I'm sure you've tried that!

I have grocery shopped in the middle of the night before, while the kids were home sleeping.

[**guest**]

i'd try to connect first, before suggesting the options. i'd say something about his activity at the ATM, something affirming and easy going. something like: "cool, you see here you can punch in your code, and the machine bips to tell you it felt you press the button. and these buttons, feel them -- they are for people who can't see... blah blah"

and then validate that he was bored, and that he wanted to do fun stuff instead... but... here are the options...

and i'd hope that a little bit of connectig would have opened him enough to consider your feelings and needs and cooperate.

[abandbunk]

Great ideas mama's thank you so much for your imput i really really do appreciate it.
i agree mamaduck sometimes there really isn't time to play, i hate that, but it is true sometimes, that is when i have the hardest time w/them. (duh lol)and teh idea about food connection is great, i will try that, (have tried it before but it didn't work so well, but that was quite a while ago, he may be more understanding of that conecpt now that he is 4.) Thank you for your input!!
annabanana i really like your suggestion of connecting first, that really really makes sense to me, i don't konw why i didn't think of that, it seems so obvious, i will try to keep that in mind more often, thank you.
and thank you lactivist for reminding me to help him remember the right way to ask things lol, that seems so obvious now too but somehow i missed it, thank you for reminding me! i'm sure that if i had done that he would have mellowed out.

[scoutycat]

I find if there really isn't any time for play that if I warn dd before hand and explain that I really need her help to get through the store as fast as possible, that often helps. If I can point out that we can play something in the car after, or do something fun before we get in the car, even better. To keep kids eyes on shopping, I often write their own 'list' with pictures and stuff & they help find and pick out the items. I think it's easy to forget that kids don't usually have a sense of the master plan, so to them it's just an endless day of shopping - they have no idea when or where they're going to be able to eat, pee, let off steam etc. - jen