What can I do???

[faerierose]

Ok, my dh and I are having some issues w/ our parenting choices, I am very AP, I was raised AP and I just can't see any other way to raise our kids, my dh was raised in a very "command and obey" type household. We are doing our best to work together and he has come around to my way of parenting in many ways. We are having quite a few disagreements on how to handle our 4 year old dd (my dd from a previous marriage although she knows him as daddy). She is a very quircky child, she has some sensory issues, and melts down easily. She does not handle the way he speaks well because he sounds confrontational and or confusing even when he isn't trying to be so whenever he asks her to do something like clean up her play dough because we need to set the table she freaks out and comes running to me. I have tried to explain to dh that he needs to learn other ways of communicating w/ her. Many times she is just confused and frustrated because of the way he phrases things, for instance she tends to talk very loudly, I will remind her to use an inside voice and she will, he will say something like "You know you CAN talk quietly" which doesn't do much because she knows she CAN but he didn't say that he would like her to right now so she doesn't. (She takes things very literally) So we are always head to head on this, he thinks I should be harder on her and I think he needs to accept how she is and learn better ways to talk to her. How can we handle this? I don't know what to do.

[chfriend]

Would he be willing to read something like the Highly Sensitive Child or the Out of Sync child?

[faerierose]

Originally Posted by chfriend

Would he be willing to read something like the Highly Sensitive Child or the Out of Sync child?

He says he will but it doesn't really happen. I've given him articles and shown him some of the stuff discussed on the board but it he doesn't really apply it irl. He has seen first hand what a difference how you say things makes, when he says "you need to clean up the play room" he ends up with crying children, I say "let's get ready to vacuum" (they love vacuuming) they run to pick up the toys happily :-) He has commented on this, I know he sees it, he just doesn't apply it. Also I don't think he believes that she is as sensitive as she is...I get the impression he thinks she is being manipulative or something but he doesn't actually say that.

[chfriend]

I haven't seen it...but I wonder if the dvd format of the Unconditional Parenting video would be good...I don't know how it would play with someone transitioning from more mainstream thinking.

This has to be so hard for all of you.....

I'll keep thinking.

[WuWei]

I agree with the UP-DVD suggestion. I understand that visual media is more approachable for many spouses. Also, have you read about "Highly Sensitive Person/Children"? http://www.hsperson.com/ You might find some articles to share with dh about sensitivities. Or from Jan Hunt's site "The Natural Child Project". http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/ Both my dh and ds are highly sensitive, especially auditory sensitivity. Of course, whoever is BEING loud doesn't feel as loud as he who is *hearing* the loudness. I saw that you have four children and are working very hard to be respectful and connected to your children. Could you consider trusting that your modeling WILL make a difference with dh's interactions? Speak up for the kids from their pov by validating their needs and suggesting alternatives that might work for both, him and the kids too. 'DD it sounds like you are enjoying singing loudly. Dh is trying to read. Where else could you sing that won't be so loud in this room?' And share what works for you, when asked. His way sounds difficult, certainly if you are non-judgmental (and not defensive about the children-harder said than done), he'll feel more comfortable asking for your input, when he feels frustrated.

I find it helps to ask dh for his suggestions on how to meet a goal of mine such as 'using a gentle voice when I am tired', 'not praising while celebrating with our son', 'stating my needs clearly when I am otherwise occupied', etc. And asking for him to help remind me if I start sounding frustrated or impatient. This conveys *my* goals and allows him to be involved in developing a shared parenting practice. It is interesting to hear him using my own words over time to engage our son in a more cooperative process that addresses ds's desires AND his own.

HTH, Pat